Give and Take...

Physics teaches that for each action there is an equal and opposite reaction. The corresponding cultural axiom is the concept of give and take. Society is balanced because there are givers and takers. Unfortunately, it is not a healthy balance, for the takers prey on the givers and will take and take until the givers have nothing left. We call them by all sorts of names; Type A personalities, go-getters, ambitious, focused, or the other extereme, soft, enablers, patsies... For most of my life I was a loner; emotionally closed off from society, self-imposed walls to protect myself from myself and others. It wasn't until these last five years or so, as I have consciously tried to be more open and authentic, that I have ventured from behind those walls. For you see, I'm a giver, and I know what it is to be taken advantage of...
An example: I've often helped out people in need. Whether family or friend, or sometimes even a complete stranger, I have been willing to share the blessings God has given me with those in need. Usually, especially if a significant amount, those I've helped have repaid the debt. Yet I've developed the mindset that when I lend I must be willing to accept that money as gone, that it may never be repaid, because money is never worth a friendship or relationship. Well, I heard of a young couple who had a need and I offered to help them out if they wanted. One day I received a call from them and they set up a meeting. The bottom line was they asked for three times the amount of money I had originally offered to help them. And I gave it to them, because they said it was what they needed to kick-start his "second" career and give them the life they envisioned. They promised to repay- it was a loan and they would make good, if I would only trust them.
A year has gone by and I have attempted to keep in touch, writing a number of times and asking how things are going. I see his website for his new career, and can see he's doing pretty good, and yet I haven't heard a word from them. They've totally ignored me, made no effort to repay the many hundreds of dollars they took with the promise to repay. Takers. The money isn't the issue; I lent it knowing I may not get it back. What hurts is their total lack of response, their severing of relational ties with their silence for the sake of money.
I find that being a giver can be relationally devestating too. I know how to give, how to determine needs and desires then seek out ways to meet them. But I find that relationships flow like rivers- most often it's one way. I know there are things I need, want, and desire within the context of a relationship, but attempting to communicate those things to a taker is like trying to swim upstream against the current. It's no wonder I spent much of my life behind my walls- I'm learning it's much less painful to not expect anything from people than to put myself out there just to have hopes disappointed... Sorry, but tonight I'm very disillusioned and somewhat pessimistic towards my fellow man (and woman)...

3-D Love...

It seems appropo that, with my thoughts running around the importance of relationships, that the topic at my church this weekend is on seeing others with the same eyes as Jesus did. And he was all about relationships. I've shared a number of times with people, (some extemely close to me), that true love is not an emotion, rather it is a choice. I'm not sure that all have agreed with that but I truly believe it. Tonight I heard a really cool definition of Jesus' love, of true love.

Jesus loved in 3-D. And the three "D"s were, first, "Decision". He chose to love. We need to choose to love to experience the real thing. It's not a feeling, it's a choice. The second "D" is "Demonstration". Jesus acted on his love. It was compassion from deep within him. It was active. The last "D" is "Difference". True love makes a difference in those lives we choose to love. We impact.

It was enlightening, as I sat and listened tonight, because I have someone who is very special to me. Early on in our relationship I knew how special she was and would continue to be and I shared with her my feelings about love being a choice. Early on she pooh-poohed me and said I didn't know her well enough to love her. As time went on she continued to be uneasy with the idea, the concept that I could love her, but that didn't change my feelings. Now, after a year, she's heard the words, and seen the actions, the physical acts that could only be explained as acts of love, and it is increasingly more difficult for her to deny my love. And on a few occassions she's even declared her love for me. But it still makes her uncomfortable.

I was struck, as I pondered this yet again, at how closely my relationship with her seems to parallel so often our relationship with God. How often do we wonder how God could ever love a sinner like us, and how often do we pull away because of our own insecurities, our own doubts about our worthiness? How many times do we rob ourselves of His love because we stubbornly cling to our own ideas that love must be earned? And all the while he is there, just waiting for us to come around, just loving us with his perfect love, not dependent at all on our decision to recognize or accept it. It is real, it is true, and it is there, and no doubts or rejections on our part will change his desire to love us.

Now I don't claim to love perfectly, as Jesus does, but in my own imperfect way I know my love does not waver, it is not conditional on acceptance, and it does not change if it's not relected back. My love is a choice; it is active, it is demonstrative, it makes a difference in the loved one's life. So, on a personal note, Sweetheart, I love you, whether you choose to believe it or not, whether you choose to accept it or not. You know, because you have seen, because you do see, my love is active for you. I love you in 3-D.

Are we a hostage?

It had been quite a while since I last blogged, that is before yesterday, and I was pleasantly surprised to hear from several "old friends" or past readers / penpals. Thanks for keeping an eye on me and dropping me the e-mails- it was really heartwarming to hear from you. Thank-you sincerely.

As I continued to ponder my train of thoughts from yesterday's blogging my thoughts turned to our propensity to hide behind walls- emotional barriers we erect to protect our hearts from the possibility of future hurt based on our past experiences... We think we are protecting ourselves when the reality we either fail to see or steadfastly deny is that by walling ourselves off emotionally we aren't just keeping others at bay, we are also restricting our own ability to experience love, and affection, and ultimately the true happiness that comes from unfettered community with others, the very thing we were created for.

It doesn't occur to us that as long as we restrict our vulnerability, as long as we stay behind those barriers, we are hostages to our past and can never fully experience the full joy of our present or the full potential of our future. To bottom line it, we learn from past hurts to distrust. Distrust, the opposite of trust, which the most critical element in experiencing true love. In essence, by remaining hostage to our past, by refusing the choice of being vulnerable we choose by default to deny ourselves the possibility of true love, true friendship, andultimately deny ourselves happiness and gratification.

It is this phenomena, this misconceived desire to protect our heart, that leads us to seek gratification through "things" rather than relationships. We seek to fill that void, that longing, the unhappiness we feel from a lack of community, or fellowship or friendship with others with the trappings of our world, trying to accumulate more, or nicer, toys to make us "happy", yet that gratification is so fleeting, so temporary. We end up alone, sitting in a houseful of gadgets, wishing for something, someone to fill that void, without a clue on how to find relief. We just refuse to believe that it is as easy as stepping out and taking a chance on a fellow human being. Being vulnerable is the key that releases the shackles of our past... But I ramble long enough...

The Beauty of a Cannonball...

It's been too long. I've missed writing, but then writing needs a clearer head than I've had for the past month or so. A quick update, on a personal note- my surgeries went well and there seems to be some good improvements. The only drawback came about a week and a half back; I woke up with a swollen jaw and it didn't go away. Turned out to be an impacted wisdom tooth that decided to abcess... But last week it too went away, and after a couple days recovery I'm none the worse for wear...

I was hit this morning with a thought that I really felt worth sharing. So often we focus on things, we prioritize our "things" in our lives that really aren't important, and end up squeezing out those things that are important. The thought I had was that "things" are so unimportant in the larger scheme yet we lose focus as we concentrate on our convoluted sense of what we seem to think is important. What is really important is people, is relationships. After all, when it's all said and done what can "things" do for us that can ever compare with what we get from a well-developed relationship? How important is that promotion, that new car, the nice house full of all the latest gadgets, if we are alone, if we have no one to share with? We were designed for fellowship, for community, and too often we've lost that focus as we try to accumulate wealth, as we stockpile "things".

Nothing is more important than relationships. Is it better to have a clean house, or a best friend? Is that promomotion, and all the extra hours of work worth the cost of the marital relationship? Is there really any "thing" that can compare to the value of a true friend, a confidant? What can compare to the comfort of knowing that there is someone who is always in your corner, no matter what stupid thing you might do or say? That is a friend. Yet we steadfastly work away from developing such friendships, such bonds. Why? Bescause we've become a society of people who play in the shallow end of the pool. We fear the deep end, because in the deep end we are vulnerable, there is risk, there is danger that we could get hurt, so we find contentment in the shallow end where there is no risk, but no depth either.

When we decide to plum the depths of the deep end of life, of relationships, we find ourselves facing the possibility of hurt, of rejection, of disappointment, but the rewards are so much more satisfying. We experience depths to our relationships, in our giving, and receiving, that far outweigh our fears of failure. We will find disappointments, but just one true friend is worth a pool full of shallow-enders. The deep end is life, the shallow end is existence. But to live life we must be willing to be vulnerable, we must be willing to invest in others so that they in turn will learn to invest in us. Someone has to be willing to jump in first, to test the waters, so others might follow. I pray that I am brave enough to be willing to do that first cannonball, and who knows, one day we might just bump into each other somewhere in the deep end...