Listen Your Way to a Better Relationship...

I was watching a few minutes of "Two and a Half Men" last night, as I was surfing between ballgames, and noticed that the guest star, a young girl whose name I don't recall, talked incessently. No one could get a word in edgewise when she was talking. This morning, as I recalled that memory, I was again impacted by the thought that people love to be listened to, yet there are so few people who really know how to listen from their heart...

Listening is an art- the giving of one's full attention to another, taking in theire words, their tone, their body language without some part of our mind formulating responses and wanting to interupt, to interject... Listening without judgement is a lost art. But learning to listen from the heart has dual impact- listening and feeling listened to promotes intimacy and closer relationship. And who today doesn't want better relationships? Begin by becoming a better listener...
Food for thought...

Relationally challenged...

I've never been shy about admitting my being relationally challenged, but it's taken some time for me to figure out why there are times I just prefer to be alone than in a relationship. I've been divorced some time now and while single I have participated in several relationships, each in turn running its course. I finally figured out that which I dislike most about relationships: I hate the feeling I get when I disappoint. It doesn't matter if I've not been "wrong", per se, to cause that rotten feeling, it just matters that I failed to perform in such a way that pleased my mate... It's those times, when I felt I tried, but it wasn't good enough, that I found little pleasure in my relationship... It's those times that I felt it better to be alone...

From time to time I've shared my feelings on relationships, on occassion my opinion has been sought out by those dealing with difficulties of one kind or another, but this time, as I seek answers, who will answer me? Why does feeling that I've disappointed make me feel like a failure? Even those times I've tried, but still disappointed, when my best efforts were not enough and met with disappointment, I feel terrible. Why? Shouldn't the effort to please be acknowledged, isn't that attitude of disappointment a selfish reaction from my mate?

Perhaps for some only the end product is all that matters, the destination more important than the journey. Perhaps that is a difference, for I've found that life is in the journey...

In a Nutshell...

I was describing myself today, sort of tongue-in-cheek, to someone, and said, "I'm a simple man, yet complex in my simplicity. I am an enigma, wrapped in a conundrum. That's me, in a nutshell". The response was, "What kind of nutshell?, and after a moment's thought I replied, "Walnut". When pressed why walnut, I explained that walnut shells are somewhat unique in their rough exteriors, but house a pretty good nut inside... They're a little rough, and sometimes tough to crack, but what's inside is usually worth the effort...

That got me thinking about others, and how, in reality, we all wrap ourselves in one sort of shell or another. We all tend to protect our inner selves, to insulate ourselves from the potential hurt of others by hiding in or behind our emotional shells. Some call them walls, and the reality is, to really experience community with others, to meet that emotional void that only community can fill, we need to let others in, we need to allow others to crack our shell and get to the meat of who we really are.

Unfortunately, in all too many cases, who we really are is not someone we ourselves like. And if we cannot like ourselves, much less love ourselves, how can we expect another person to like or love us? Self-worth, self esteem is so important in creating an environment that fosters the trust that another can like, and even love, us for who and what we are. Until we can learn to love ourselves we cannot truly love another, nor can we feel the confidence that they truly love us. Self-acceptance is the first step toward a truly loving relationship with another person. Self-acceptance is the cornerstone for any successful friendship or relationship.

The key to total acceptance, whether for self or others, learning to dispense grace. To accept is to forgive, for we all do wrong, to ourselves, to others. Grace is unmerited forgiveness. God forgives us though we've done nothing to deserve it, and if we can truly accept this fact then we can in turn forgive both our wrongs as well as the wrongs of others. Dispensing grace is as enriching for the dispensor as for the dispensee, for in emulating one of God's attributes we can come to more fully appreciate what He has done for us. Dispensing grace can be a completely humbling act...

Food for thought...

Our Well of Insecurity and Inadaquacy...

Warning: This blog is personal, and may well get personal, so if you don't want personal change channels now.

I was out doing leaves again today, for yard work often gives me time to think, and my thoughts turned to my blog and the fact that I haven't blogged in a while. As is often my way I questioned myself on why I haven't written and I came to the conclusion that I really didn't have anything good to say, and I didn't want to write some drivel just to be writing. It occured to me that I write because some people like it, and by extention they might like me. I realized that I, so often the loner, really do want to be liked. Why?

Self-examination, or introspection, is often scary, and sometimes painful. It isn't something anyone really enjoys doing, for there's a place that we all know, that we've all experienced at one time or another, and most people try to avoid it... Did you ever see the movie "The Ring"? Remember that scary well? We all have one of those, that penetrates deep in our soul. It's that place most try to avoid, for to visit there, to gaze in its depths, is to visit the realization of how damaged we are. Every one of us, no exceptions. And most people don't like to acknowledge our damaged state. The deeper we go into that well the more exposed are our inadaquacies and insecurities. The terror of the depths is [almost] overwhelming. It's the reason why we work so hard, play so fast, sometimes push ourselves to the brink of ehaustion. We strive to keep busy for to slow down is to expose ourselves to that one person that knows us best- ourselves. As long as we stay busy, as long as we are working on the "who" we are,  we don't have the time, or the effort, to consider "what" we are. And that "what" is broken, damaged goods. We are all flawed. We are all left wanting. There's a hole in our soul that we long to fill, but no amount of busyness can fill it, nothing we can do can take away that insecurity, that feeling of inadaquacy we have when faced with the reality of ourselves. The deeper we descend into that well the more depressing it gets, so people try to do anything to keep from facing their well. Why is depression so rampant among those who have been hurt, hospitalized, laid up? Because of the misfourtune that has befallen them? Possibly, but more likely because they can no longer "do", for a time they must just "be". When unable to do we find ourselves faced with the reality of who and what we are, and that is a depressing scary thing.

What is this hole, that we can not ourselves fill? It is our separation from our purpose, our severence from our reason for our creation. It is seperation from our Creator, our God. But there is hope, especially when we dare to descend into our well, into our insecurity and inadaquacy, for when we are at our lowest, when we find ourselves most vulnerable, we only have to look and Jesus is there. He always meets us where we are, and he's always there to meet us in our hour of greatest need. A personal relationship with Him fills that hole that we can never fill alone. He gives reason for living, that no amount of hustle and bustle can ever fill. Even now, in my life, I sometimes find wrapped up in my own flaws and insecurities, descending down that well, and there, at my lowest, I find him, waiting, watching for me to acknowledge Him, to allow Him to give me strength and purpose that this world never can.

I went to see Bill Cosby last week and he spoke of his belief in the Bible and in God. Then he said, "I really feel sorry for atheists. They've left themselves no wiggle room. What are they gonna say to God when it turns out they're wrong?" I think he's absolutely right though, for we were created for community with God, and only God can fill that void. No goal, no amount of hustle, no bar scene or busyness can ever fill God's spot. I believe people choose not to believe in God because it helps them ignore their own flawed state' If there's no God then there's no rason to go near their own well, to gaze into their brokenness, to admit they're damaged goods. Only God fixes broken, only God restores damaged- no matter how hard we try. Food for thought...

Disillusionment: The Key to Community

The other night I expressed how deeply flawed I was, how disillussioned I was with myself, for I knew me, and I know how flawed and wrong I am and can be. Although I was reassured by my friend that certainly it isn't so I knew in my heart how right I was in my innermost feelings. I knew and recognized my feelings, yet I did not fully understand them, or their reasons for existing. Tonight I read a passage from "Life Together" by Dietrich Bonhoeffer that said' "God is not a God of the emotions but a God of truth. Only that fellowship that faces such disillusionment, with all its unhappy and ugly aspects,begins to be what it should be in God's sight, begins to grasp in faith the promise given to it. The sooner the shock of disillusionment comes to an indiviual and to a community the better for both." It was like a lightswitch was thrown- an answer, an understanding to my feelings of inadequacy and disillusionment with who and what I am.
     For me to enter into community with God, through my relationship with his son Jesus Christ, I must be stripped of all illusions of who I think God wants me to be, be stripped of all illusions of who I think I should be, and freed from all illusions and visions of how I think community with him should be. Bonhoeffer says later, "God hates visionary dreaming. It makes the dreamer proud and pretentious. The man who fashions a visionary ideal of community demands that it be realized by God, by others, and by himself. He enters the community of Christians with his own demands, sets up his own law, and judges the brethren and God himself accordingly." The point here is it is not for us to dream, to try and determine what community with God and other Christians should look like. It is just for us to enter into it, to allow God to work in his model of community, not ours. He already has brought us into fellowship with him, through the blood and mediation of his son, and we are already ready to live in community with him if we can only cast aside our visions of what that should be and just enter in with him...

    As I reflect on past experiences, both personal and observed, I can't help but see the truth that Bonhoeffer was so eloquently describing. In my past was I not guilty of spiritual pride? Did I not hold others to my own exacting standards, did I not sit in condemnation of others who didn't measure up? I was wrong, for I was inflicting my visions, my standards on others, and I was woefully prideful in my own "goodness". And what of the larger model of community, the church? I cannot recall attending even one local church that did not have a "vision" or visions of what they wanted to be and/or what they desired to accomplish. I think back on past, and even recent, cutbacks of staff and programs in churches I've attended and now ask myself, "Were they striving to meet their own 'vision' or were they laying aside all their illusions and just living in community with God and allowing him to direct the direction and 'vsion' of the church?" I can't help but wonder that if God were really directing things would there ever be a need for a cutback or layoff? Are we, as local bodies of Christ (churches) guilty of being visionaries?

     "For he himself is our peace..." (Eph. 2:14). When we come into community with God, through Jesus Christ, and do so without our visions, our illusions, we find peace, I find peace. We find peace with God, whatever the circumstance, and we find peace with our Christian brothers also living in community with God. Community is a gift of grace from God, pure and undistorted, if we only enter in in our dissillusionment... Food for thought...

Relationship Enrichers...

I often think that, as a society, we should get back to simplier, less complicated ways in our lives. We live life at breakneck speed, often going from dawn to dusk, without pause to realize that life is happening now, as we fly right by in our quests to accomplish. Occassionally slowing down, even stopping, to enjoy the moment can add untold riches to our lives, if only we realized...

This morning I was pondering the eloquence of three simple words, and the thought then occured to me that there are quite a number of three word phrases that could enrich and enhance our lives if we only chose to regularly practice them. For example:

I was wrong.

You go first.

I miss you.

May I help?

I am sorry.

Thank-you for____.
I appreciate you.
You're the best.
Please help me.
Simple phrases, surely, but packed with power. Relationship enrichers...
But the most powerful of all the simple phrases, the most incredibly impactful one is simply,
"I Love You"...
Food for thought...

Shooting from the Hip...

I'm feeling a bit random tonight... I've learned several truths that I fell worthy to put down in print...

We experience pain in our lives; we must go through it to conquer it, and yet all too often we try to go around it... Going around it just prolongs it.

We cannot compartmentalize anger- holding on to our anger in one area will inveritably allow it to spill over in to other areas and relationships... Especially in relationships. When anger is held on to it robs us of the opportunity to dispense grace. We all want and need grace, why are we so hesitant to dispense it? My mom said something very profound today- she said that over time we all want others to recognize that we've grown, or changed, but sometimes we fail to recognize that change in one who's hurt us. We may have moved on in our life, but if we recognize that they have too we must dispense grace, and allow that they may have changed too... That's pretty tough for many to do...

I learned from Bonhoeffer today an interesting concept. He says, in essence, that the questions we ask are, :Is there a God?" and , "Do we need the Church today?", but the questions are wrong. The Church exists, and God exists, so it is actually we who should be questioned. What we should be asking is, "are we willing to be of service, for God needs us".It is interesting to ponder the question from the absolute that God does and always  has existed, for from that perspective the responsibility falls completely on us as to whether we as individuals will answer God's call or ultimately reject Him. It is no longer a question of His existence, it is a question of our obedience. Much more disquieting to our spirits... /Much more difficult to accept. As a people, the vast majority tend to shun responsibility rather than accepting it...

A little white lie is still a lie, and if truth is an absolute than lying is absolutely wrong. Unfortunately all too many don't believe in absolute truth any more, thereby laying the foundation for the acceptance of lies. I've actually heard people say that a lie is okay if it is told to spare someone's feelings, or to keep from hurting someone. What kind of reasoning is that? If the truth hurts now, won't it hurt more when it finally comes out, for it will have been buried in lies. The truth may hurt, but getting caught in a lie always does. Getting caught in a lie destroys trust, the very foundation to any successful relationship...

Finally, in closing, I've learned that I'm not always politically correct, and you know what? -I don't want to be. I think I'm fed up with all this BS about not wanting to step on anyone's toes... And I'm really tired of all the government handouts. I work for a living, so should everyone else. For all these people who want to collect welfare I say let them earn it. Let them pick up trash in our parks or along our roadway, let them earn that government check. It would do two things; First, it allows people to feel like they're earning their check, which in turn raises self worth. And a prerequisite to receiving a check should be that each recipient passes a drug screen. We might just save a ton on welfare and begin to lower our national debt with the money we save. And my last thought- If you don't pay any taxes you don't have the right to vote. No taxes, no vote. fifty one percent of Americans paid no federal income tax in 2010. If they don't have any money in the pot then they shouldn't have the right to vote on who and how we spend it... That would reslly scare the liberal left!

Food for thought, shooting  from the hip...

Love's Opposite...

I made a fire on the deck tonight. As it burned I couldn't help but notice how all-consuming fire is. I also noticed the it burned differently, depending on the wood. I had a couple of pieces of oak, solid, heavy wood that was still burning when I came in at midnight. Several pieces of Aspen burned quick and bright, but didn't last long at all. I had some pine that flared up nice, but also burned quickly...

I got to thinking that fire is alot like some of our emotions. Those emotions that are powerful, strong, are like fire. Love is fire. It can start out slow, small, and not real hot, but in time it grows, in size, in heat, in intensity. Like different kinds of wood we can also experience love differently, from a stable long-burning emotion, to the white-hot flare up that recedes and leaves us sometimes confused and spent...

But love is not alone in being an intense emotion. Hate is also a fire. Often hate is thought to be the opposite of love, but it is not. It is perhaps better described as love's cousin, for it is very similar to love in it's characteristics. It can start slow, and build. It can become intense and all-consuming... Relationally, becuase they are so similar in their intensity, people often fluctuate between these powerful emotions within the relationship. Factor in the powerful emotion of anger as the catalyst between the two and it's easy to understand the concept of a love-hate relationship.

So what is the opposite of love? The opposite of love is indifference.Like a fire, love needs to be fed, to be fueled if it is going to grow, in heat and intensity. Failure to feed the fire allows the fire to die, and the fault is ours, for like fire, it needs our attention to survive and to grow. Indifference is like wet wood- there's no way fire will ever be able to consume it, for it is incapable of allowing even the smallest spark to take hold. Indifference is the antithesis of love; it is the killer of love. Food for thought...

Fun: From whence it flows...

Fun: -noun- 1. something that provides mirth or amusement.

2. enjoyment or playfulness.

-verb- 3. Informal. joke; kid.

-adjective- 4.Informal. of or pertaining to fun, especially social fun.

5. Informal. whimsical, flamboyant.

I've dabbled in the world of on-line dating recently (at least reading profiles and perhaps exchanging an e-mail or two. My dating drought has now reached more than a year. I'm learning patience, right Lord?) and one of the common threads that seem to permeate so many searches is the search for fun. People want to enjoy themselves, they want to enjoy life, especially so many of these who now find themselves alone and not liking it. And yet, even though the definition of fun calls it a "thing" I beg to differ. You could take a dozen people to a specific activity (say like a farmer's market) and some might find it fun while others may be completely bored. The activity is constant, the reaction is not, so we can conclude that the activity itself is not "fun". therefore "fun" is found within the person.

We've all probably met someone who seems to be at ease in any circumstance, who seems to promote a good time with all who interact, who livens up any social setting. These are "fun" people. Any activity can go from dull to fun with the injection of the right person/people. So fun isn't really a thing. Fun comes from within us.

Usually people who aren't neccessarily known as "fun" can still have fun. It usually comes in the context of sharing similar likes with another. Similar activity preferences can lead to fun. So to all those people who seek fun in their mate I offer this advice: Look inside yourself first, for that which you enjoy, then seek those who enjoy similar, and you will find fun. It isn't everyone who is lucky enough to find someone who's just naturally "fun" in most all circumstances. I'm lucky; I'm one of the "fun"ones!

Blame...

One of the basest and most difficult emotions we deal with is guilt, (and I will blog on that very emotion at a later time). The most common response to guilt- from our earliest days to the end of our days- is the casting of blame. Casting the responsibility of our actions on another to avoid negative consequenses seems to be bred into our DNA. Children seem equally adept as adults in blaming another when caught violating a social law or tenet.

It is interesting to note that very often when someone is caught in a wrong the desire and resulting action is to channel the blame for those actions toward the party that was wronged, especially in relational settings. How many times have you heard something to the effect as, "I wouldn't have done ____ if only you were more ____, or you hadn't done ____". The rationalization is that if wronged party caused the wrong then casting the responsibility for those wrong actions on them in essence "balances the scales" of justice or moral rightness. Both parties feel guilty then, and both parties are wrong.

It isn't true, of course, for casting of blame never allieviates guilt; it only suppresses it until such a time that it overwhelms us and must be dealt with. Relationally, learning to accept responsibility for our own wrong doings will do more good than harm, for we show our mate that honesty and responsibility and the welfare of our mate are most important to us. By not casting blame we save the other from hurt, indignation, defensiveness, and emotional distress. It's time we learn to man up and face the music... Food for thought...

Listening: The Lost Art of Communicating

Though she's often rude, brash, and incredibly egotistical, I still find myself liking Judge Judy Scheinlin. She has some favorite sayings she uses to those who appear in front of her bench. Two of my favorites are: "Put on your listening ears", and, "God gave you two ears and one mouth for a reason". Judge Judy reminds us all that the art of listening is a lost art at best. Why do so few know how to really listen?

One reason is because we've learned to operate within our own agenda. We don't really care what others are saying if it doesn't impact or further our agenda. We learn to "tune out" those things we consider unimportant.

We operate in such a fast-paced world that we have become calloused to those around us, as we run through our days and nights, until we finally stop, exhausted and only wanting to rest, communication the furthest thing from our minds...

When we do take the time to listen to another all too often we hear something that catches our attention and immediately begin to form a mental response, impatiently waiting to voice our thoughts. All that is said after that which piqued our interest and started our mental train running is lost.

Listening is half of the art of communication. So many people today complain that communication is lacking in their relationships, usually meaning that their mate isn't sharing. Yet how well are they listening? Listening takes practice. We must develop the practice of actually concentrating on what is being said to us, and patience to wait until what is said is complete before forming and verbalizing our responses. I would venture to guess many of those complaining of lack of communication in their relationship, those who want their mate to talk more, need to learn to listen.

Listening properly adds great value and deminsion to a relationship. When you listen intently to what is said you are saying to your mate, "I care about what you think, about what you say". Without ever saying a word you are communicating that they are important to you, that you respect them enough to listen to what they say. Good listening makes the speaker feel important, valued. And what relationship couldn't use that?

Food for thought...

Causes of Failed Relationships...

Why do relationships fail? We question ourselves, and even assess blame (often to ourselves) for relalationships that fail. We wonder what went wrong, how could we have avoided failure, what could we have done differently. We beat ourselves up and vow not to make the same mistakes again. Unfortunately, there's one undeniable fact that seems to prove itself over and over: We do not learn from our mistakes, and history is destined to repeat itself. So the next time, despite our best efforts, we fail again. Why?
Relationships can fail for a variety of reasons; infidelity, apathy, abuse, destruction of trust, alienation of affections, anger issues, and the list goes on. But are these reasons, or symptoms, symptoms that manifest themselves because the relationship is built on faulty foundations? I believe that there is a base reason that relationships fail, and that is selfishness. We enter relationships with the (sometimes subconsciously) hope of meeting our own needs and desires. The relationship grows or falters as our needs are met or denied. When one or both in a relationship consistently puts themselves first the relationship is destined for trouble, and likely failure.
So how do we find success in relationships? First, we have to commit to our mate, 100%, to their happiness, their success. Paul wrote that wives should "submit" to their husbands- but that's actually a loose translation. What he said was the wife should get behind and lift up her husband in all he does. And the husband's command? Love your wife as Christ loved His bride, the Church. The husband is to sacrifice everything, even to the extent of his own life, for the sake and well-being of his wife. Who commits like that today? Who loves with complete self-sacrifice? And yet, what an awesome relationship that would make! Two people committed to the happiness of the other.

The key is, especially when the relationship hits a bump in the road, is to remember this: You and your spouse/mate are on the same side, even in an argument. It is important to remember, especially in the passion of the moment, that your desire is to be one in spirit with your mate, and you should have the mindset of "what do I have to do to restore our relationship?". If you think like this then there is nothing to big or difficult to do if it leads to restoration, because your focus is on your mate. If they share a like mindset then they will do whatever necessary to restore the relationship to you. And yet, in the passion of the moment we tend to put ourselves first, and attack, or get defensive, to validate our position. And the problem grows. We need to remember our bottom line, and that is our desire is to have a happy and harmonious relationship with our mate. If that is our desire then no action is too great to do to acheive our bottom line. Food for thought...

Feelings...

"Feelings. Nothing more than than feelings. Trying to forget my feelings of love. Teardrops rolling down on my face, trying to forget my feelings of love... Feelings, feelings like I never lost you, and feelings like I never had you, again in my heart." When Morris Albert first recorded the song "Feelings" in 1974 he touched upon the dichotomy that is our emotions, our feelings.

Emotions are a real conundrum, for we rely on our feelings to guide us, yet there is nothing more unstable, and often faulty as our emotions. All too often we act, not on logic or fact, but on our feelings. We do what feels right, we get in relationships because it feels rights, or we act because our "gut" tells us to. Sometimes we get pensive, even afraid to act, even though logic dictates that is the correct choice. Sometimes we are ambushed by our feelings...

Relationally, we must realize that feelings have validity. Whether right or wrong, if one feels a certain way those feelings are valid and must be addressed. A common mistake, when confronted with "faulty feelings" from our partner, is to get defensive or to point out the error of those feelings. Wrong tactic! Something has triggered those feelings and first the feelings need to be validated, then dealt with (ie. "I'm sorry you feel angry/hurt/betrayed. What did I do that made you feel that way, so I can try to avoid doing so in the future?"). Acknowledging and dealing with the feelings can allow one to get past them to the core issue that truly caused them. Feelings are often a symptom of a deeper core issue or fear that may not even be related to our relationship, but certain words or actions can trigger the faulty response. We can learn these triggers and avoid them (and potential future conflict) by validating feelings and dealing with them effectively.

Recognizing that our own feelings may sometimes mislead us can be huge in both personal and relational growth. Seeing ourselves realistically doesn't make us less of a person, indeed it can help us grow exponentially as a person, helping us to better reach our potential, personally, relationally, and within our own personal world. Food for thought...

Relationships...

I wrote a couple of blogs on inequitable relationships and I am amazed at how many people visit my blog specifically searching out information on just that subject. For many, for the most part, relationships seem to be difficult and yet they really shouldn't be. Yes, relationships take effort, but they shouldn't be difficult, they shouldn't be so much work. So why are they?

I believe relationships tend to be difficult because one or both parties tend to be self-focused, even selfish in what they want out of the relationship. The focus is ME, and how can I meet my needs. When the basis of the relationship is self centered one or both sides get emotionally drained or starved and ultimately the relationship fails. And yet we try again, and again. Why? Because we are afraid to be alone.

Our society breeds loneliness, for it moves at such at rapid, self-gratification pace that we don't take the time to learn how to properly develop relationships. And yet we are social creatures, created for community, so we crave the company of others. We crave intimacy, and yet we don't know how to nurture it. We long to meet our most basic desires without the proper skills for success. We even sometimes find ourselves staying in relationships that are harmful to us because the fear of being lonely is greater than the fear of being abused. And yet, we never learn that there is a difference in being alone and being lonely, for all too often we can find ourselves "lonely" within the context of a relationaship...

So what is the key to a successful relationship? It is the very thing that can create inequitable relationships, if one party or the other remains "self" centered. The key to success is to be "other" centered, to put the good will of the other ahead of ourselves. This is where it takes effort, for we've been programed by society to look out for "me" first. It feels foreign to put another ahead of our wants, but when we learn to do just that we learn how immensely satisfying it can be. There is a certain joy in giving, a satisfaction that is fulfilling. When both parties in a relationship are "other" oriented our needs are unselfishly met, even as we unselfishly meet the needs of our partner. As the relationship grows it becomes increasingly easier to give, especially when we are given to, and the effort becomes easier, rather than more difficult... Relationships don't have to be difficult, if we learn to adjust and adapt our focus off ourselves.

The most successful person in history at relationships was selfless, giving beyond measure, even to the point of sacrificing his very life out of his love for us. There is no greater teacher than Jesus Christ, and emulating Him in our relationships is a receipe for success... Food for thought,,,

Battle of the Sexes...

My educational background is in Human Relations (Psychology/Sociology) and even from early on in my studies I have been fascinated by relationships, and even more so, why they fail. I think there’s some general differences between the sexes that if understood might dramatically increase the potential for success in relationships. Of course, wisdom often comes through experience, and the most acute experience is often a result of failure, at least that’s my experience...

Speaking generally now, I believe that women fail to understand perhaps the most basic flaw in men, and that is that men tend to be very linear. Women can operate on several different levels at once, are more diverse emotionally, and entirely more complex than men. Men focus on only one or two things at a time. They tend to develop along those lines and what you see is what you get. Women prioritize needs and desires and seek to fulfill those most important first. One of the most basic needs in a woman is for security, safety in their home[front]. They often seek men who are go-getters, workaholics who seem most capable of meeting those security/home needs. And those needs are met. But then they move on to wanting to meet those deeper, more emotional needs, to connect more spiritually. Much deeper drive in women overall. Suddenly they find that the spouse they’ve chosen is distant, always gone working, too busy collecting “things” rather than paying attention to those needs that are now in the forefront... And women get discontented, and the relationship suffers.

In men’s defense, they’re usually clueless, which is difficult for women to understand. Are men really such idiots? In a word, yes. I’ve heard many men simply confounded because they worked their butt off giving a nice home and cars, and all the trappings, and “suddenly” their wife is leaving or has left them. What did they do wrong? (They met the initial need, but failed to develop emotionally to keep pace with their spouse). Women need to view men like a smorgasbord- lots of different kinds but you only get to pick one or two attributes from the selection. Do you want security? A go-getter, a workaholic type. Are you interested in emotional needs met? Then you might have to sacrifice drive in a man to get one willing to stay home and pay attention to you... Bottom line, if women could focus long-term on what will make them happy they might choose entirely different in the near-term, because with men what you see is what you get. You probably won’t change them, and if you do you might not like the result...

Sometimes men are capable of change, but usually it takes a traumatic event in their life- like a divorce (or in my personal case, a heart attack)- to wake them up or shake up their priorities. (And their "ex" says, who is this guy? He wasn't like that when we were married)... I think one of the biggest causes in the surge of homosexuality and lesbianism is not because of a perverse sexual urge, but because of an overwhelming desire to be understood, to be with someone who "gets it", and who better than one of our own sex...


If you really want to be with someone who "gets you" who will love and appreciate you, who will understand you, learn to not be afraid to tell what you want, and don't settle for less than what makes you happy. Communicate! Don't be with someone with the hope you can change them- odds are you will lose that battle and be hurt and frustrated in the process. Figure out what you want long term and make that your aim. Also, you get out of a relationship what you are willing to put in, so if you want love and respect (for example) you need to be willing to give the same, for the measure you give it is in that measure it will be returned to you. And remember- if you leave your happiness in the hands of a man you might be in for some "I'm sorry" times... Food for thought...

Love vs Geography...

A friend recently wrote me that her "Physics teacher tried to tell me love is geographical. I challenged him on that, and spent many years trying to prove him wrong." I gave this alot of thought as I was out mowing the grass today. I found that I could make a convincing argument for either position and that left me feeling very dissatisfied... So I removed myself from the argument and examined the merits of each viewpoint to see if I could reach a conclusion in my own mind. These are my thoughts:

I don't believe that "love" is geographical. I believe we can find that special person, that connection, that chemistry anywhere or anytime. Love is not bound by time, space, or distance. The concept of love comes directly from God, for it is the very definition of God ("God is love"). The concept, like God, is infinite, and is not bound by finite boundaries that limit us. I also believe that while love is not geographical, when we experience love with another person that geography definitely plays a role in the growth and health of that love, because, unlike God's love for us, we are bound by finite limitations. Love needs to be fed, to be nurtured, and that is done by giving it our attentions, by speaking our partner's love language. Distance prohibits the personal attention that the healthy growth of love requires... So the reality is, love with another person is not geographical, but for it to grow, to be a healthy, vibrant entity in our lives, we need connection, and that requires a geographical closeness because we have finite limitations. A starved relationship is ultimately a dead one...

With that said I examined my last significant relationship, which was somewhat of a long-distance relationship, although unique in many ways. I think that possibly this very concept played into the demise of the relationship, for my partner was very closed off emotionally. As I mowed today I couldn't help but wonder if the fear of the distance played into her inability to open up, to be willing to be vulnerable. I heard a number of times, "I wish you were closer; I wish you were here tonight"... Perhaps if we were closer the relationship might have grown in a different manner than it did, which ultimately starved... (I don't pretend to have the answers for all long-distance relationships, I can only venture a viewpoint based on my experiences)... Food for thought...

A Broken Heart- The final Chapter...

This past week I was reading through some of my past blogs and ran across one from last February 24th, (2008) entitled "A Broken Heart"... I was amazed to read my feelings in that blog were exactly then where I found myself just a few weeks ago- same feelings, same relationship. Only this time I called it quits. This time it was time to walk away. After two years in a relationship with someone who was emotionally closed off, who is afraid to be vulnerable, who is afraid to love, I called it a day. But I've learned...



I learned that no matter how hard you might want a relationship to work, no matter how much you might love, there is no guarantee of success if the feelings aren't mutual. No matter how hard you might try, no matter how much you might give, it will never be enough if your mate, your partner is not willing to invest emotionally also.



It was difficult to walk away, because our relationship was built on a great friendship. I will sorely miss that friendship, and indeed, I was asked if we could continue that friendship when I said I thought it was time for me to move on- but alas, as good as that friendship was the reality is it cannot continue, at least the way it was. You see, a relationship built on a great friendship is on rock solid ground, but a friendship that evolves into a relationship rarely survives, because one cannot go back, and once you've allowed yourself to be vulnerable with another, to love another, it hurts far too much to try and "just be friends", especially when one or both moves on to another relationship. So the reality is it will wither and eventually die. But I am at peace with my decision, for the time has come for me to protect my heart, to search for one who is willing to give, as well as receive, love.



Sometimes things just don't work out how we want them to. Sometimes you can have two really good people, who really like each other, who get along great, who seem so compatible, and still not have it work. It comes down to a willingness to be vulnerable- by both...

I think I need to start writing more consistently again...

Self Examination...

I think most people have a good capacity for unbiased judgement in most areas, but as a people we tend to allow our emotions, our biases, to affect our judgements of those things or people most dear to us. And no one is closer to us than we are to ourselves. I think this is why we have such difficulty in seeing ourselves as others see us. We see ourselves as informed; others see us as a gossip or know-it-all. We tell ourselves we are social, others see us as flirty, or a threat to their relationship. We might see ourselves as funny or witty, others see us as crude or obnoxious. Whatever the case we tend to hold ourselves in the best possible light in our own mind, which is good for healthy self-esteeem.

We run into problems relationally however, when our perception of ourselves and the reality of how another views us is in conflict. We tend to passionately defend our own view of ourself while (sometimes passionately) dismissing the opposing view as inaccurate, or wrong. Our capacity for unbiased self-examination is clouded by our emotions; our defensiveness at having our very being ""attacked", our desire not to acknowledge we might be "wrong" or different that we percieve ourselves to be, our fear that we might somehow be less [appealing] than we think we are. The causal effect is relational disharmony. And we tend to blame the other party because, after all, we see ourselves differently than they do. Our truth can be radically different than their truth. And in the end, the relationship pays the price. I think this was the principle the Apostle Paul wrote about when he said there may be many things you personally find acceptable, but if your actions cause a brother to stumble then don't do it, for you are wrong, not him for inability to accept it.

If we could develop the ability to listen to our mates, (or spouses, or partners, or companions-name them as you will), and try to see ourselves as they see us, through the lens of their experiences, we might find that the very things we find acceptable within ourselves are highly stressful to our partner and may be creating avoidable stress that might ultimately destroy the relationship. If it is damaging to one we love is it not concievable that we consider modifying whatever that stressor is for the good of the other and our relationship? Yet our world is filled with failed relationships, and almost universally it was the other person's fault for the failure of the relationship. Why? We only see us, our side, and then we don't have to shoulder blame or failure. And for the most part we are a selfish, self-centered society, which teaches us that you grab for all you can get and try to hang on; certainly not the idea of putting others first, even if that other is one you claim to love.

Personally, I have tried to go back and examine my past relationships, especially those that failed, and own my responsibility for those failures. I have found it to be a growth experience. I have also found that unless two parties are willing to communicate openly and be receptive to [what we might feel are criticisms] from our mate in areas of stress the relationship is in trouble. An example would be if one person had trust issues stemming from infidelites against them in the past and the other partner consistently acted in a manner that tested that trust but did no "wrong" then where is the fault when the relationship ultimately stumbles and falls? Is it the partner who had trouble trusting, or is it the partner who seemed to repeatedly test the trust by flirting or acting in a manner that seemed inappropriate to the other? The reality is both will walk away blaming the other for the failure, when in light of that reality if the other person was more important that our own need to be right the relationship could have easily been saved. But communication is key, as is our willingness to put aside our own egos and be willing to view ourself as another sees us. Then, if that person, that relationship is important enough to us, we might be willing to take whatever steps necessary to save it.

But the question remains: Can we put aside ourselves for the greater good of our relationships, and how do we do that without becoming a "relational doormat"? There's a fine line that we have to be careful of crossing, where we become enablers. The only way for a relationship to work properly, to be sufficient for both parties, is if both parties are willing to put the other first. Then it becomes mutually fulfilling. Anything less is ultimately doomed to failure.

Our Most Precious Commodity...

We shouldn't be surprised, all things considered, to find ourselves and our society in the mess we're in... We have lost perspective, as a people, as to what is really important. We have lost perspective as to how to achieve satisfaction, how to find fulfillment...
We have become an impatient people- lives filled with fast food, drive throughs, microwave meals, instant coffee, direct deposits, speed dating, radar detectors, road rage... We have learned not to appreciate things that take time, for time is a commodity we seem to have lost. All of our "fast food" mentality should give us more time but we seem to be busier than ever. Why?
Our pursuit is for more "things"... We seek success, we seek toys: cars, boats, big screem TVs, bigger homes, second homes, cruises, vacations, more, more, more... We seek to find satisfaction in things, but the feeling is fleeting, for things cannot fill that hole in our heart that causes us longing... There is something that fulfills us though, and that something is relationships. It is people, not things. Relationships fill our deeepest needs, our most intense and personal longings- it fills our need and desire to be loved and accepted. It gives us fellowship and community, for man was not created solitary, but is a social creature.
We often fail in our relationships, even in the pursuit if them, because, contrary to our lifestyle, relationships take time. They need to be nurtured, cared for. With a little work and a little time they grow more and more fulfilling. They allow us the experience of emotions that "things" can neve trigger. Things are only things and can be easily attained or replaced. People are a priceless commodity- each unique, each precious in their own way. Each of us is irreplaceable.
If we must choose to protect our most precious thing let that thing be our relationships. Take time to grow yours today. The fruits they produce- laughter, grace, patience, forgiveness, joy, satisfaction to name a few- so outweigh the cost of your time investment.

3-D Love...

It seems appropo that, with my thoughts running around the importance of relationships, that the topic at my church this weekend is on seeing others with the same eyes as Jesus did. And he was all about relationships. I've shared a number of times with people, (some extemely close to me), that true love is not an emotion, rather it is a choice. I'm not sure that all have agreed with that but I truly believe it. Tonight I heard a really cool definition of Jesus' love, of true love.

Jesus loved in 3-D. And the three "D"s were, first, "Decision". He chose to love. We need to choose to love to experience the real thing. It's not a feeling, it's a choice. The second "D" is "Demonstration". Jesus acted on his love. It was compassion from deep within him. It was active. The last "D" is "Difference". True love makes a difference in those lives we choose to love. We impact.

It was enlightening, as I sat and listened tonight, because I have someone who is very special to me. Early on in our relationship I knew how special she was and would continue to be and I shared with her my feelings about love being a choice. Early on she pooh-poohed me and said I didn't know her well enough to love her. As time went on she continued to be uneasy with the idea, the concept that I could love her, but that didn't change my feelings. Now, after a year, she's heard the words, and seen the actions, the physical acts that could only be explained as acts of love, and it is increasingly more difficult for her to deny my love. And on a few occassions she's even declared her love for me. But it still makes her uncomfortable.

I was struck, as I pondered this yet again, at how closely my relationship with her seems to parallel so often our relationship with God. How often do we wonder how God could ever love a sinner like us, and how often do we pull away because of our own insecurities, our own doubts about our worthiness? How many times do we rob ourselves of His love because we stubbornly cling to our own ideas that love must be earned? And all the while he is there, just waiting for us to come around, just loving us with his perfect love, not dependent at all on our decision to recognize or accept it. It is real, it is true, and it is there, and no doubts or rejections on our part will change his desire to love us.

Now I don't claim to love perfectly, as Jesus does, but in my own imperfect way I know my love does not waver, it is not conditional on acceptance, and it does not change if it's not relected back. My love is a choice; it is active, it is demonstrative, it makes a difference in the loved one's life. So, on a personal note, Sweetheart, I love you, whether you choose to believe it or not, whether you choose to accept it or not. You know, because you have seen, because you do see, my love is active for you. I love you in 3-D.