Our Well of Insecurity and Inadaquacy...

Warning: This blog is personal, and may well get personal, so if you don't want personal change channels now.

I was out doing leaves again today, for yard work often gives me time to think, and my thoughts turned to my blog and the fact that I haven't blogged in a while. As is often my way I questioned myself on why I haven't written and I came to the conclusion that I really didn't have anything good to say, and I didn't want to write some drivel just to be writing. It occured to me that I write because some people like it, and by extention they might like me. I realized that I, so often the loner, really do want to be liked. Why?

Self-examination, or introspection, is often scary, and sometimes painful. It isn't something anyone really enjoys doing, for there's a place that we all know, that we've all experienced at one time or another, and most people try to avoid it... Did you ever see the movie "The Ring"? Remember that scary well? We all have one of those, that penetrates deep in our soul. It's that place most try to avoid, for to visit there, to gaze in its depths, is to visit the realization of how damaged we are. Every one of us, no exceptions. And most people don't like to acknowledge our damaged state. The deeper we go into that well the more exposed are our inadaquacies and insecurities. The terror of the depths is [almost] overwhelming. It's the reason why we work so hard, play so fast, sometimes push ourselves to the brink of ehaustion. We strive to keep busy for to slow down is to expose ourselves to that one person that knows us best- ourselves. As long as we stay busy, as long as we are working on the "who" we are,  we don't have the time, or the effort, to consider "what" we are. And that "what" is broken, damaged goods. We are all flawed. We are all left wanting. There's a hole in our soul that we long to fill, but no amount of busyness can fill it, nothing we can do can take away that insecurity, that feeling of inadaquacy we have when faced with the reality of ourselves. The deeper we descend into that well the more depressing it gets, so people try to do anything to keep from facing their well. Why is depression so rampant among those who have been hurt, hospitalized, laid up? Because of the misfourtune that has befallen them? Possibly, but more likely because they can no longer "do", for a time they must just "be". When unable to do we find ourselves faced with the reality of who and what we are, and that is a depressing scary thing.

What is this hole, that we can not ourselves fill? It is our separation from our purpose, our severence from our reason for our creation. It is seperation from our Creator, our God. But there is hope, especially when we dare to descend into our well, into our insecurity and inadaquacy, for when we are at our lowest, when we find ourselves most vulnerable, we only have to look and Jesus is there. He always meets us where we are, and he's always there to meet us in our hour of greatest need. A personal relationship with Him fills that hole that we can never fill alone. He gives reason for living, that no amount of hustle and bustle can ever fill. Even now, in my life, I sometimes find wrapped up in my own flaws and insecurities, descending down that well, and there, at my lowest, I find him, waiting, watching for me to acknowledge Him, to allow Him to give me strength and purpose that this world never can.

I went to see Bill Cosby last week and he spoke of his belief in the Bible and in God. Then he said, "I really feel sorry for atheists. They've left themselves no wiggle room. What are they gonna say to God when it turns out they're wrong?" I think he's absolutely right though, for we were created for community with God, and only God can fill that void. No goal, no amount of hustle, no bar scene or busyness can ever fill God's spot. I believe people choose not to believe in God because it helps them ignore their own flawed state' If there's no God then there's no rason to go near their own well, to gaze into their brokenness, to admit they're damaged goods. Only God fixes broken, only God restores damaged- no matter how hard we try. Food for thought...