Listen Your Way to a Better Relationship...

I was watching a few minutes of "Two and a Half Men" last night, as I was surfing between ballgames, and noticed that the guest star, a young girl whose name I don't recall, talked incessently. No one could get a word in edgewise when she was talking. This morning, as I recalled that memory, I was again impacted by the thought that people love to be listened to, yet there are so few people who really know how to listen from their heart...

Listening is an art- the giving of one's full attention to another, taking in theire words, their tone, their body language without some part of our mind formulating responses and wanting to interupt, to interject... Listening without judgement is a lost art. But learning to listen from the heart has dual impact- listening and feeling listened to promotes intimacy and closer relationship. And who today doesn't want better relationships? Begin by becoming a better listener...
Food for thought...

In a Nutshell...

I was describing myself today, sort of tongue-in-cheek, to someone, and said, "I'm a simple man, yet complex in my simplicity. I am an enigma, wrapped in a conundrum. That's me, in a nutshell". The response was, "What kind of nutshell?, and after a moment's thought I replied, "Walnut". When pressed why walnut, I explained that walnut shells are somewhat unique in their rough exteriors, but house a pretty good nut inside... They're a little rough, and sometimes tough to crack, but what's inside is usually worth the effort...

That got me thinking about others, and how, in reality, we all wrap ourselves in one sort of shell or another. We all tend to protect our inner selves, to insulate ourselves from the potential hurt of others by hiding in or behind our emotional shells. Some call them walls, and the reality is, to really experience community with others, to meet that emotional void that only community can fill, we need to let others in, we need to allow others to crack our shell and get to the meat of who we really are.

Unfortunately, in all too many cases, who we really are is not someone we ourselves like. And if we cannot like ourselves, much less love ourselves, how can we expect another person to like or love us? Self-worth, self esteem is so important in creating an environment that fosters the trust that another can like, and even love, us for who and what we are. Until we can learn to love ourselves we cannot truly love another, nor can we feel the confidence that they truly love us. Self-acceptance is the first step toward a truly loving relationship with another person. Self-acceptance is the cornerstone for any successful friendship or relationship.

The key to total acceptance, whether for self or others, learning to dispense grace. To accept is to forgive, for we all do wrong, to ourselves, to others. Grace is unmerited forgiveness. God forgives us though we've done nothing to deserve it, and if we can truly accept this fact then we can in turn forgive both our wrongs as well as the wrongs of others. Dispensing grace is as enriching for the dispensor as for the dispensee, for in emulating one of God's attributes we can come to more fully appreciate what He has done for us. Dispensing grace can be a completely humbling act...

Food for thought...

Epiphanies...

It's no secret that the economy has been in the dumpster for a long time now (since July of 2008 for my busimess), but somehow we're making ends meet and staying open. We,ve become lean and mean, and with the exception of not laying off our last two full-time employees my partner and I have cut just about everywhere possible. (We decided that it was better to keep on two guys with family obligations and take less pay ourselves than to lay them off and do it all ourselves again). Still, there are times when things get stretched pretty tight. This past week was just such a time...

We have monies in receivables that should be regularly coming in, but for some reason there were no checks in the mail all week- well, truth be told I did get one small check. I told my partner I need about $5000 by Friday to meet our obligations that week or my only option was to borrow against our line of credit. I prayed about it but still, all week, I had less than a thousand dollars come in. I was pretty stressed and decided that if nothing of substance came in Friday's mail (usually a light mail day) I would callt the bank and borrow money. Friday's mail was later than usual and my stress was climbing. But then it arrived, and there was just over $4000 in it. I ran the totals and had several hundred dollars more than I needed.

I also received a reminder of an automatic withdrawal of $134 coming out of my account and the overage in my account covered it... Now the painful confession: The first thing I did was say a prayer of thanks to my God, for supplying our needs. Then I said a prayer of grumbling, asking my Father why he had to wait to the very last second to meet my needs when trickling it in throughout the week would have allieviated my stress considerably...

I didn't give it a lot of thought after that, but this morning, as I was singing in the shower, a thought was strongly impressed upon me- an epiphany, if you will. And an epiphany I believe from God. Suddenly the thought was there that answered my grumbling prayer of why checks didn't trickle in throughout the week. If the checks would have trickled in then it wouldn't have been a "God thing". My stress was my failure to trust, to believe properly. My stress was my fault if I indeed believed and trusted God to meet my needs. Ideally I would have just trusted Him and not worried about it...

Then I started thinking about epiphanies. Personally, I believe they come from God. How else can we rationally explain suddenly knowing what was previously unknown? If not from God then from whence do they come? The case for God is strong: Who better to impart knowledge than the All-Knowing? who better to impart wisdom than He who is all-wise? Certainly the Uncreated can impart His wisdom in any way He desires, but what fun to implant an idea, so suddenly, that His created are amazed and excited by it? I imagine our Heavenly Father gets the same joy and satisfaction out of watching his children "discover" new truths as I did watching my children learn and discover "new" things as they grew up (until they were teenagers- then they knew everything, as the case often is with that age group!) Thanks to my Heavenly  Father, for His patience with me, for allowing me to continue to learn, even so far long in my life... Food for thought...

Our Well of Insecurity and Inadaquacy...

Warning: This blog is personal, and may well get personal, so if you don't want personal change channels now.

I was out doing leaves again today, for yard work often gives me time to think, and my thoughts turned to my blog and the fact that I haven't blogged in a while. As is often my way I questioned myself on why I haven't written and I came to the conclusion that I really didn't have anything good to say, and I didn't want to write some drivel just to be writing. It occured to me that I write because some people like it, and by extention they might like me. I realized that I, so often the loner, really do want to be liked. Why?

Self-examination, or introspection, is often scary, and sometimes painful. It isn't something anyone really enjoys doing, for there's a place that we all know, that we've all experienced at one time or another, and most people try to avoid it... Did you ever see the movie "The Ring"? Remember that scary well? We all have one of those, that penetrates deep in our soul. It's that place most try to avoid, for to visit there, to gaze in its depths, is to visit the realization of how damaged we are. Every one of us, no exceptions. And most people don't like to acknowledge our damaged state. The deeper we go into that well the more exposed are our inadaquacies and insecurities. The terror of the depths is [almost] overwhelming. It's the reason why we work so hard, play so fast, sometimes push ourselves to the brink of ehaustion. We strive to keep busy for to slow down is to expose ourselves to that one person that knows us best- ourselves. As long as we stay busy, as long as we are working on the "who" we are,  we don't have the time, or the effort, to consider "what" we are. And that "what" is broken, damaged goods. We are all flawed. We are all left wanting. There's a hole in our soul that we long to fill, but no amount of busyness can fill it, nothing we can do can take away that insecurity, that feeling of inadaquacy we have when faced with the reality of ourselves. The deeper we descend into that well the more depressing it gets, so people try to do anything to keep from facing their well. Why is depression so rampant among those who have been hurt, hospitalized, laid up? Because of the misfourtune that has befallen them? Possibly, but more likely because they can no longer "do", for a time they must just "be". When unable to do we find ourselves faced with the reality of who and what we are, and that is a depressing scary thing.

What is this hole, that we can not ourselves fill? It is our separation from our purpose, our severence from our reason for our creation. It is seperation from our Creator, our God. But there is hope, especially when we dare to descend into our well, into our insecurity and inadaquacy, for when we are at our lowest, when we find ourselves most vulnerable, we only have to look and Jesus is there. He always meets us where we are, and he's always there to meet us in our hour of greatest need. A personal relationship with Him fills that hole that we can never fill alone. He gives reason for living, that no amount of hustle and bustle can ever fill. Even now, in my life, I sometimes find wrapped up in my own flaws and insecurities, descending down that well, and there, at my lowest, I find him, waiting, watching for me to acknowledge Him, to allow Him to give me strength and purpose that this world never can.

I went to see Bill Cosby last week and he spoke of his belief in the Bible and in God. Then he said, "I really feel sorry for atheists. They've left themselves no wiggle room. What are they gonna say to God when it turns out they're wrong?" I think he's absolutely right though, for we were created for community with God, and only God can fill that void. No goal, no amount of hustle, no bar scene or busyness can ever fill God's spot. I believe people choose not to believe in God because it helps them ignore their own flawed state' If there's no God then there's no rason to go near their own well, to gaze into their brokenness, to admit they're damaged goods. Only God fixes broken, only God restores damaged- no matter how hard we try. Food for thought...

Disillusionment: The Key to Community

The other night I expressed how deeply flawed I was, how disillussioned I was with myself, for I knew me, and I know how flawed and wrong I am and can be. Although I was reassured by my friend that certainly it isn't so I knew in my heart how right I was in my innermost feelings. I knew and recognized my feelings, yet I did not fully understand them, or their reasons for existing. Tonight I read a passage from "Life Together" by Dietrich Bonhoeffer that said' "God is not a God of the emotions but a God of truth. Only that fellowship that faces such disillusionment, with all its unhappy and ugly aspects,begins to be what it should be in God's sight, begins to grasp in faith the promise given to it. The sooner the shock of disillusionment comes to an indiviual and to a community the better for both." It was like a lightswitch was thrown- an answer, an understanding to my feelings of inadequacy and disillusionment with who and what I am.
     For me to enter into community with God, through my relationship with his son Jesus Christ, I must be stripped of all illusions of who I think God wants me to be, be stripped of all illusions of who I think I should be, and freed from all illusions and visions of how I think community with him should be. Bonhoeffer says later, "God hates visionary dreaming. It makes the dreamer proud and pretentious. The man who fashions a visionary ideal of community demands that it be realized by God, by others, and by himself. He enters the community of Christians with his own demands, sets up his own law, and judges the brethren and God himself accordingly." The point here is it is not for us to dream, to try and determine what community with God and other Christians should look like. It is just for us to enter into it, to allow God to work in his model of community, not ours. He already has brought us into fellowship with him, through the blood and mediation of his son, and we are already ready to live in community with him if we can only cast aside our visions of what that should be and just enter in with him...

    As I reflect on past experiences, both personal and observed, I can't help but see the truth that Bonhoeffer was so eloquently describing. In my past was I not guilty of spiritual pride? Did I not hold others to my own exacting standards, did I not sit in condemnation of others who didn't measure up? I was wrong, for I was inflicting my visions, my standards on others, and I was woefully prideful in my own "goodness". And what of the larger model of community, the church? I cannot recall attending even one local church that did not have a "vision" or visions of what they wanted to be and/or what they desired to accomplish. I think back on past, and even recent, cutbacks of staff and programs in churches I've attended and now ask myself, "Were they striving to meet their own 'vision' or were they laying aside all their illusions and just living in community with God and allowing him to direct the direction and 'vsion' of the church?" I can't help but wonder that if God were really directing things would there ever be a need for a cutback or layoff? Are we, as local bodies of Christ (churches) guilty of being visionaries?

     "For he himself is our peace..." (Eph. 2:14). When we come into community with God, through Jesus Christ, and do so without our visions, our illusions, we find peace, I find peace. We find peace with God, whatever the circumstance, and we find peace with our Christian brothers also living in community with God. Community is a gift of grace from God, pure and undistorted, if we only enter in in our dissillusionment... Food for thought...

Shooting from the Hip...

I'm feeling a bit random tonight... I've learned several truths that I fell worthy to put down in print...

We experience pain in our lives; we must go through it to conquer it, and yet all too often we try to go around it... Going around it just prolongs it.

We cannot compartmentalize anger- holding on to our anger in one area will inveritably allow it to spill over in to other areas and relationships... Especially in relationships. When anger is held on to it robs us of the opportunity to dispense grace. We all want and need grace, why are we so hesitant to dispense it? My mom said something very profound today- she said that over time we all want others to recognize that we've grown, or changed, but sometimes we fail to recognize that change in one who's hurt us. We may have moved on in our life, but if we recognize that they have too we must dispense grace, and allow that they may have changed too... That's pretty tough for many to do...

I learned from Bonhoeffer today an interesting concept. He says, in essence, that the questions we ask are, :Is there a God?" and , "Do we need the Church today?", but the questions are wrong. The Church exists, and God exists, so it is actually we who should be questioned. What we should be asking is, "are we willing to be of service, for God needs us".It is interesting to ponder the question from the absolute that God does and always  has existed, for from that perspective the responsibility falls completely on us as to whether we as individuals will answer God's call or ultimately reject Him. It is no longer a question of His existence, it is a question of our obedience. Much more disquieting to our spirits... /Much more difficult to accept. As a people, the vast majority tend to shun responsibility rather than accepting it...

A little white lie is still a lie, and if truth is an absolute than lying is absolutely wrong. Unfortunately all too many don't believe in absolute truth any more, thereby laying the foundation for the acceptance of lies. I've actually heard people say that a lie is okay if it is told to spare someone's feelings, or to keep from hurting someone. What kind of reasoning is that? If the truth hurts now, won't it hurt more when it finally comes out, for it will have been buried in lies. The truth may hurt, but getting caught in a lie always does. Getting caught in a lie destroys trust, the very foundation to any successful relationship...

Finally, in closing, I've learned that I'm not always politically correct, and you know what? -I don't want to be. I think I'm fed up with all this BS about not wanting to step on anyone's toes... And I'm really tired of all the government handouts. I work for a living, so should everyone else. For all these people who want to collect welfare I say let them earn it. Let them pick up trash in our parks or along our roadway, let them earn that government check. It would do two things; First, it allows people to feel like they're earning their check, which in turn raises self worth. And a prerequisite to receiving a check should be that each recipient passes a drug screen. We might just save a ton on welfare and begin to lower our national debt with the money we save. And my last thought- If you don't pay any taxes you don't have the right to vote. No taxes, no vote. fifty one percent of Americans paid no federal income tax in 2010. If they don't have any money in the pot then they shouldn't have the right to vote on who and how we spend it... That would reslly scare the liberal left!

Food for thought, shooting  from the hip...

The Failproof Relationship...

It seems like I've been alone a long time now. In reality, it's only been since June, when my daughter got married and moved out and my best little pal died... Relationally it's been much longer, close to a year and a half. Occassionally, when I start to feel down, the memories tend to remind me being alone isn't as bad as being with the wrong person, no matter how much I might have cared. After all, that's the lesson learned- it is better to be alone than to be with the wrong person. I know that goes against societal wisdom, which seems to push us into relationships whether we're ready or not, and often before we know if we even like the other...

I had brunch with my folks Sunday after church. They moved into a new condo about 3 months ago so I've made it a habit of dropping in 3-4 times a week to check on them, help out if needed, etc. Occassionally we have a meal together. I think they really enjoy my company, not just as a son but as a person, for I meet in each of them a different need, a different desire. As we were leaving the restaurant Mom turned to me and said, "We're sure glad you don't have anyone in your life right now. It makes more time for us." I tease her a lot about praying for me, and my relational status, for she is ever vigilant about praying for the right person for me, but I told her I now understand what she's praying for- no woman so I can spend time with them! We laughed, but usually in jest there is underlying truth, if we choose to seek it out. This truth- I'm extremely lucky to have both parents still living and active at my age and theirs, and these are precious memories we're all making for those times when we won't have each other. I'm glad I can recognize the importance of each visit... I pray that my kids will realize sooner, rather than later, or too late, the importance of family, and relationships (not that they don't know now necessarily, but everyone's so busy that sometimes relationships are sacrificed for more "important things" like work, sports, commitments,etc)...

I miss having a hand to hold, eyes to gaze into, lips to kiss, a person to love. I miss companionship. But, I don't miss drama, anger, unrealized expectations. I don't miss the unrelenting pain of being betrayed, no matter what the form. I don't miss the hurt, the agony when my vulnerability is violated... I watch movies now, and if I get emotional at a well-played drama I am not ridiculed for my emotions, for I am alone. I can be completely me, free and easy, with no one or no desire to impress. I don't hurt my feelings, don't forget important dates, I am not insensitive to myself. Sometimes I let myself down, but I'm forgiving of myself, for I know how flawed and broken I am... But I don't have someone with which to share, someone to laugh with, to cry with, to snuggle in the cold, to chase on the beach... For I am alone. The scales swing back and forth...

It's important to realize that being alone is different than being lonely. Society teaches that those who are alone are probably lonely. But I beg to differ. One can be in the middle of a thousand people, be in the midst of a relationship, and be completely lonely while never being alone. Lonely is unmet needs, lonely is unrealized desire. Lonely is recognizing the hole in one's heart and not knowing how to fill it.That happens when relationships are wanting. Alone is not lonely... While ocassionally I feel lonely the feeling passes, for I am never alone. Most of my relationships may be flawed or fail, but I have one that never fails me, no matter how often I fail it. It is my relationship with Jesus Christ. He never lets me down... Food for thought...

Relationship Killers #5: Failure to Communicate...

Breakdowns in communication are often a major factor in the failure of relationships. The question isn't so much why communication breaks down, rather what is the reasons behind the lack of communication, for anyone can learn to communicate- it becomes a matter of the will to do so. Communication is not just learning to say how you feel or what you think, it is also learning to constructively listen to our mate and respond appropriately. Communication can be learned, but it isn't effective until desired.

People handle their emotions in different ways. Some wear their emotions on their sleeve, and need to address issues immediately. They're usually the "exploders", who go off and then feel better. Then there's the "stuffers", who just take everything in and compact it, like a trash compactor, until it's too full and garbage can't help but leak out... And there's the "stealth bomber", who takes all the heat, then, usually on the way out, takes a shot back and disappears... None are healthy ways to deal with our emotions, and all lead to a failure to effectively communicate.

To effectively communicate we need to get past the emotions of the situation and deal with the issue. Sometimes that means just walking away for a time, to let emotions cool, and then attempting to address the issue when things are calmer. But it isn't healthy to just walk away without communicating anything- that could be misconstrued as you are walking out on the relationship/ issue/ person... It needs to be clearly stated that, for the good of our rellationship, perhaps we need a couple hours to cool off, or a day, weekend, etc. Everyone cools off differently, but trying to address an emotion-charged issue is almost always a lose-lose proposition...

Anyone can learn to communicate effectively. It is a choice to learn to do so, or else to continue to fail in this critical area. People who choose not to learn to listen, and to share their feelings are usually demonstrating a passive aggression towards their mate and relationship, which will ultimately result in failure... Food for thought...

Relationship Killers #4: Lying...

That lying is wrong is virtually a universally accepted tenent, and yet it is  violated by virtually everyone. Little white lies, lies of ommission, lies about our past, lies to cover actions, lies to try to avoid trouble- no matter what the form a lie is a lie. It is an untruth, and it erodes the very foundation of any relationship. For truth must be part of the foundation for any relationship to be successful. 

So why do we lie? The first lie was told in the Garden of Eden, when Satan first approached Eve and tempted her with the forbidden fruit. "You will be like God", he said, "if you only eat of the fruit. God forbid it because He didn't want you to be like Him". A crafty lie, and a crafty argument. After all, who wouldn't want to be like God? And that first lie destroyed a relationship, between man and God. God later restored it, but it remains in a broken state as long as we live in a broken world...

Ever since that first lie the art of lying has destroyed relationship after relationship, because you can't trust a liar, for you can never be sure they're telling you the truth. And without the inability to trust the relationship is dead, or soon will be. Our world is full of lies. Our courts, our politicians, our advertising, TV, our workplaces- we are bombarded by lies all day long. Is it no wonder people find it easier to lie than to be truthful? Lies cover up; truth reveals.

The beauty of telling the truth, and this is a lesson so few have learned, is that you don't have to remember anything when you're honest. The truth is the truth- there's nothing to remember. And yet when we lie we must remember the lie, for more often than not we end up building on it. Lie upon lie, until one day the house of lies we built comes crashing down when we stumble or get caught in one of our untruths... Lies cover up- truth reveals. To live an open and ahthentic life is one of the greatest and most rewarding challenges we face today. And yet so few are willing to step up and meet that challenge. I will, and I hope you will too.

Food for thought....

Relationship Killers #3: Anger...

Anger is not wrong. Everyone gets angry at something or someone, sooner or later. It is an often misunderstood emotion, for it is not a bad in itself. Unbridaled anger however, uncontroled anger, is a bad thing and can destroy a relationship. When we allow our anger to run unbridled we say things, and do things that can't be undone. Yes, we can forgive anger, but we really don't forget the intentional hurtful things said  or done out of anger. As I've written in the past, once a word is said that's when it begins to live.

 Uncontrolled anger will drive a couple further apart, and will make reconcilliation that much more difficult. If our desire is to be together, to live in a harmonious relationship then uncontroled anger is our enemy. So what's the solution? Anger management. Learn to control your temper and you won't regret your words or actions- even if you're angry. Sometimes it means walking away for a while, to regain control. Sometimes it means choosing not to respond to hurtful things said while emotions are running high. And yet, when one partner can't control their anger, their tongue, they are emotionally abusive, and no one deserves to be abused. The end of the relationship should be near when anger controls a person, for their right to express anger inappropriately ends where your nose begins. Food for thought...

Relationship Killers #2: Emotional Blackmail...

Another thing that can be deadly to a relationship is Emotional Blackmail. This would include saying things like, "If you really loved me..." or, "Just back me on this if you really care for me..." or, If you really valued our relationship..." or, "What are we gonna tell the kids?" or any other of a myrid of statements that shift the focus from the real issue to your relationship. When one tries to make the relationship more important than the issue at hand that diversion is emotional blackmail.

The reality is, the one who makes such statements is actually threatening you, and you need to protect yourself, at least mentally. And the first step to protecting yourself is to be clear as to what is happening. You need to ask yourself, "If I don't yield to this veiled threat will they really harm our relationship?" Is my love/affection really being challenged, or is it a ploy to manipulate me into a desired action/reaction by my mate? You need to refocus the attention back onto the issue at hand, and take the relationship aspect off the table.

You might want to respond with something like, "My love/affection (etc.) has nothing to do with the issue at hand. The problem is..." Restating the issue can and refusing to yield to blackmail will either make you stronger, or possibly elict a very negative reaction from your mate, even to the point that they sever the relationship. If something that extreme happens because you stand up to their emotional blackmail the odds are strong that that was a very unhealthy relationship to start with and wouldn't have withstood the test of time. People who use this tactic are emotional bullies, and usually prey upon those who are co-dependent, or suffer from low self-esteem. Don't give in to emotional blackmail- it's never worth sacrificing your core values or beliefs just to appease your mate. The truth is, if they really loved you they wouldn't stoop to such tactics... Food for thought...

Do-Overs...

I've had several correspondences lately with a friend, and the subject of "do overs" was discussed- originally I thought I would do somethings differently if the chance were presented, and relationally, I still would probably try to correct errors I made, but after much thought I don't think I would change any of the "major" events in my life, for the ripple effects may cause more harm than good, the "butterfly effect" if you will, might rob me of those things I hold most precious today. If, for example, I lost my kids then nothing in my past is worth changing...

After deeper introspection I cam to the realization that I will gladly play out the hand dealt to me here on this earth, including all the errors, mistakes, and blunders I have made, for in the grander scheme of things I realize that my life is a mere breath. In the larger picture my life leaves no more impression than the hole I leave when I pull my finger out of a bucket of water... For what is three score and ten, or four score years that we are given in the face of Eternity? After I endure my errors of this life I will be given that life that I've been promised... I believe in Eternal Life, for everyone actually. Only some will have theirs in Heaven, and those who choose to reject Him here, in this briefest of lives, will have theirs in Hell... Food for thought...

Uniquely Unequal Love...

I read somewhere, that we do not love others equally, and as a father my first thought was of my children, and how I love them all the same. Yet deeper introspection made me realize that I do not love all my children the same; I can honestly say that I love each with all my heart- in that they are equal, but that's where it ends. I came to realize that each child has impacted me differently, and with each one I have a unique relationship, and that causes me to love them uniquely different from each other. I don't love one neccessarily "better" than another, just differently.

After I was able to come to terms with this epiphany I began to do a little reminicing about past relationships, both within my family and those of a romantic nature. I came to realize that not only do I love those I care or have cared about differently, that love has also changed through the course of the relationship and time... I also came to realize, especially in those of a romantic nature, that sometimes the ability to love was held captive by the past. I found that, especially in one instance, my partner was convinced that she's met "the love of her life", the relationship failed and there would never be another. She'd had a long term relationship after her marraige that also failed, and she wasn't going to put herself out there again and be hurt again.

I realize now that her desire was to experience that "first love" sensation that she once had, and you just can't duplicate love or the experience of love. That's why her second relationship failed. And the ensuing pain didn't allow her to try again- and our relationship failed. Each love relationship is unique, and to try to get it to conform to past ideals dooms it to failure. Let it live, let it grow, experience the new and unique relationship- it's unique to you and your mate, and no one else. It is yours, to share together.

One lady I was with asked me about my past and was surprised to hear me say that I still love my ex-wife. And I still do, and always will. And I love each woman God has brought into my life still, to this day, even though I have been terribly hurt by some- been lied to, decieved, robbed, rejected- it doesn't matter about the bad stuff in the end. Those are just the things that assure me we weren't made to be together forever. But each one loved me uniquely, for a time, as I did them, and those memories allow me to remember why I loved them, and allow me to continue to love them for who they were to me... Memories are subjective, and we can choose to hang on to the good ones, and remember why we loved. And that makes each and every relationship worthy, no matter how it ended. Perhaps one day I will meet my "forever lady", and when I do I will love her completely and uniquely, because those who were before helped teach me to love. Food for thought...

Failed Relationships...

I was corresponding with a relatively new friend this morning when some thoughts I shared seemed good enough to share and expand upon via blog... My comment was that much of the pain we experience in life is caused by relationships, and yet most of our healing is found in them too...

The problem with a failed relationship is that in many ways it's like experiencing a death; we need time to grieve and we need time to heal. The old adage, "Time heals all wounds" is from this very concept. (however, when we don't learn to effectively release our anger we tend to confuse the adage with our desire and our wish becomes, "Time wounds all heels"). But back to the thought at hand- emotionally, we must allow time to do its work. The problem is, unlike in death, our "ex" still exists and often resurfaces in our lives, stirring up old hurts and emotions and the healing process is stymied for a time. Rarely, especially if we are the "wronged party" in the relationship, is there the finality that death offers.

And yet, we need to teach ourselves to treat that severed relationship in a like manner as death; we need to remember the good, move past the bad, and stop "digging up" the hurts time and again in our minds. We need to bury the pain we feel because we were wronged, for to hold onto that pain gives it power over us and robs us of the ability and opportunity to move on in our lives. We stand the risk of becoming walled off emotionally, afraid to allow another in for fear that we hurt again. In essence we become an emotional cripple, and rob ourselves the of the ability to love fully and completely again.
It  is imperative that we deal with our hurts in a healthy manner, or unpack our baggage if you will, so we don't carry it into our next relationship and allow it to interfere with our ability to be be vulnerable again, to love again and be loved...

 Too often we tend to want to jump into a new relationship before we've properly healed from the hurts of the last. The thinking is that a new relationship can fix what the old one was lacking, but it won't, for the old one isn't properly "buried" yet. If there's still baggage from the old relationship it is difficult for the new one to measure up for it is viewed through the critical eye of what went wrong before, and that one didn't make it. Time needs time to heal. Recognize time as our friend, not our adversary. Food for thought...

The Receipe for Good Deeds...

There is something inherently satisfying about doing a good deed for another, without any thought or desire to be repaid... There's a satisfaction that comes from giving- from the heart- that is all the reward you need. Yet in today's world we tend to rush through our days, intent on our own jobs, hobbies, and pursuits- living our lives at such a hectic pace that doing for another just doesn't occur to us as practical or even possible. All too often we work so hard today with our focus on tomorrow that we miss out on life. Life is that thing that is happening while we're rehashing yesterday and worrying about tomorrow...
Learning to slow down and appreciate the day allows one to see what is happening around them. We often look, but it's a rare few who actually see. When we do see others, and step out of our comfort zone and help someone out, the satisfaction extends far beyond the "thank-you". We begin to develop a reputation as a good neighbor, a good friend, a nice person- but even more, someone who can be relied upon... And we feel good about ourselves, and we build self-esteem, and we build the desire to do more. It's called learning to live in community, learning to be self-less, instesd of selfish... It's a good thing. Trust me. Food for thought...

Guilt...

I indicated, a few days ago, that I would blog on guilt, for it is something we all experience to some degree, and all have to learn to deal with. Guilt is a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, be it real or imagined. We all have built into us a moral compass, called a conscience, which directs us and helps us navigate through social circumstances. We all have, at one time or another, chosen to ignore our compass, and the result is that feeling of remorse for violating that which we knew was right.
The problem comes in when we choose to ignore our compass on a consistent basis, for we become callous to the remorse, to the warnings of our conscience. The more calloused we become the harder to hear our conscience, and yet there remains in us that feeling of responsibilty that we continue to bury until we can't stuff it any more and we're forced to deal with it. We all deal with it differently. Some go to counseling, some confess in church, some break down, some blow up, angry at who or whatever gets in their way.
The Bible talks about this phenomena, particularly King David, who writes about it in the Psalms 32. Here's the scene:

David is out on the palace balcony and looks down to the roof below where he sees Bathsheeba taking a bath. Well, it isn't enough for ole Dave to just watch, he's consumed with lust so he sends for her and has sex with her. Now Bathsheeba is married, and this little tryst with the King results in her getting pregnant. She tells David and he recalls her husband from the wars, for he serves David in his army. Well, the husband, Uriah, comes home, meets with Dave, who sends him home to see his wife before heading back to battle, but Uriah chooses not to sleep with her (foiling David's plan) because his men were still on the battlefield and didn't share the opportunity for the same luxury. So David sends word to his General to send Uriah and his men into the thickest of the battle, then draw back and not support him. They follow orders and Uriah is killed in battle. David marries Bathsheeba and in time, is racked with guilt.

The interesting thing is not that David is plagued by his sin- lust, infidelity, murder-  but that it's the guilt of his sin that eats away at him. He writes,"When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me, my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer. Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover my iniquity. I said, 'I will confess my transgressions to the Lord'- and you forgave the guilt of my sin." Note that it is the guilt of his sin, not the sin itself that ate David up. Why? Because he screwed up his moral compass, and needed to set it right. If we are children of God our sins are forgiven, for Jesus paid that price on the cross, but we still need to confess our sins, to God and to each other, to reset our moral compass, to ease our conscience... Satan knows your sins are forgiven, so he can only convict you through the guilt of your sin. That's why confession is so important- it offsets the dibilitating effects of guilt. So whether it's to a counselor, at church, or in the confidences of a friend, conferss that which troubles you. And be set free from the guilt of your sin... Food for thought...

Chimes - God's doorbell...

I think most people today want to know that there's a God, that things aren't just happenstance, or accidental, but that there is a greater power in control. The problem I believe they face, as they search to validate the existance of God in their world, is that they look for the miraculous sign that screams out, "Here I am! I am God!". God doesn't (usually) work that way however. The best illustration I can think of is found in I Kings 19, when the Lord appeared to Elijah.

Elijah was instructed to go stand on the mountain and the presence of the Lord would pass by. He did, and first there was a powerful wind, that shattered rocks and tore the mountain apart. But God was not in the wind. Then there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After that there was a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. After the fire came a gentle breeze, and Elijah covered his face, for the Lord was in the gentle breeze...

We want God to show Himself in grandeous ways, so that we can have no doubt as to His existence and presence; He expresses Himself in small. quiet ways, and we have to choose to except Him on faith, that those small, quiet events are Him and of Him, or they're not... There's little need for faith when we witness a miracle.

I want to be reminded of how God works, so I've hung up 3 or 4 sets of chimes on my deck, small chimes that tinkle so pretty at the slightest breeze, for God is in the gentle breeze... Food for thought. -

Pharisees- an undying breed...

I've written in the past that I am a Christ-follower but that I detest all the do's aand don'ts of religion. Perhaps I am doing "religion" a disservice, for it is not really a specific religion that I detest, rather it is those who choose to have a narrow-minded view of right and wrong, of sin and righteousness, and usually of their own "moral superiority", even if it only exists in their minds... In Jesus' day they were called Pharisees, those Jewish spitiual leaders who thought they had all the right answers and held others accountable to their own standards... They still exist today...

I attend a non-denominal local church and we're pretty big, so we have small group meetings called "Growth Groups" during the week to help build community, discuss the message, etc. I attend one such group and, last Monday night  found a modern day Pharisee attends my group too. We discussed a number of subjects during the course of the meeting, and I could see some of my comments really ground on him. I commented on how many times a sermon will be prepared and then scripture added to support it- even if it didn't always fit. Or how some sermons are never heard- like how Jesus was going to attend a wedding party when he performed his first miracle. The Bible is clear that Jesus was going to celebrate, and back in his day a wedding party could go for days. The host would serve his best wine and when everyone got snockerd they'd bring out the cheaper stuff 'cause people wouldn't notice. When Jesus, at his mother's request, turned the water into wine it created a stir, because it was better than the good stuff already consumed! Obviously the party was in the "who cares" stage... Ever hear a sermon about Jesus' partying? When I commented that Paul said, "a little wine is good for the stomach", my Pharisee friend said I was just making excuses for social drinking (I don't imbibe at all, but I don't mind or judge those who do!).

Later, after the meeting was officially over I was talking with another guy about the possibility of other life in the universe. I said with all the knowledge out there that we don't know it would be sheer human arrogance to assume we are alone. My Pharisee piped in and said the creation account is clear- we are the only creation of God. So when I said let's look at Genesis and see, and I proceeded to quote the account, specifically where the Bible says God seperated the waters from the waters with an expense that He called "heaven", and then gathered the waters together under the expanse and called them seas, and the dry ground he called land. And then I asked, what did God do with the waters on the other side of the heavens? Without a hesitation he said "Water vapor", like God had given him some Divine insight. I asked if the possibility could exist that God created another creation and he answered, "No, this one is perfect. God doesn't make mistakes". So I asked him to explain the verses that speak of the earth groaning in its brokenness, or if this creation is perfect why is there sin?

I asked about dinasaurs, and if the Biblical account is all encompassing why aren't they mentioned, outside of the leviathan, a sea creature of old? He asked what I thought and I said I don't know, but perhaps it's possible that God created them and destroyed them via flood. He told Noah he would never flood the earth again which suggests that perhaps He'd done so in the past... I now offended my Pharisee, for I suggested (in his mind) that God had created a mistake and destroyed it- and God doesn't make mistakes (and yet our world is so imperfect!).

These were just some of the topics covered, but when the old guy informed me that "when he was in Bible college" kids questioned things but still there's only one right and one wrong answer. Then he said, so condesendingly, to me, "You can believe what you want but there's only one right"- the inference being, of course, that he is right. Well, my Friend, there was another who was so arrogant in his "rightness", and he too was a Pharisee, but God set him straight. His name was Saul Paulus, or more commonly known as the Apostle Paul. So though your narrow-minded, self-righteous attitude is irritating to me, I can live with it, for God has a way of dealing with Pharisees in his own time and way...

To be clear- I don't pretend to have all the answers, I just think it's healthy to seek, to question, for that is how we learn... Food for thought...

Breaking Bad Habits...

We all have bad habits, those things that we do that we'd rather not, those things that we know are wrong but still we do them, those things that irritate us but we can't seem to stop... How do we break a bad habit? How do we change ingrained behavior?
I was a Psych major and we studied habits in general, bad habits in particular. I was taught the substitution method- if you want to break a bad habit replace it with another. In theory it works, but putting it into practice is more difficult. We tend to try to just stop doing the bad habit, leaving a vaccuum for the habit, or another, to return.

I saw an interesting illustration last week in Church though, which gave me a new perspective on how to change behavior. The pastor held up a glass filled with brown, dirty water, with all kinds of crud floating in it. This represents our lives, our bad behavior that we'd like to change. Instead of trying to dump it out, to start over if you will, and refill the glass with clean, he just began pouring clean water into the dirty, cruddy mess. As the glass overflowed an amazing thing began to happen: the crud spilled out, the dirty brown water diluted, and the more clean water was added the clearer the glass became. It became evident to me that it is entirely possible to change behavior, not by seeking to eliminate it, but by immersing ourselves in behaviors that we desire and, in time, those negative behaviors will become diluted, weakened, and finally disappear altogether. Subtraction by addition. Food for thought...

Causes of Failed Relationships...

Why do relationships fail? We question ourselves, and even assess blame (often to ourselves) for relalationships that fail. We wonder what went wrong, how could we have avoided failure, what could we have done differently. We beat ourselves up and vow not to make the same mistakes again. Unfortunately, there's one undeniable fact that seems to prove itself over and over: We do not learn from our mistakes, and history is destined to repeat itself. So the next time, despite our best efforts, we fail again. Why?
Relationships can fail for a variety of reasons; infidelity, apathy, abuse, destruction of trust, alienation of affections, anger issues, and the list goes on. But are these reasons, or symptoms, symptoms that manifest themselves because the relationship is built on faulty foundations? I believe that there is a base reason that relationships fail, and that is selfishness. We enter relationships with the (sometimes subconsciously) hope of meeting our own needs and desires. The relationship grows or falters as our needs are met or denied. When one or both in a relationship consistently puts themselves first the relationship is destined for trouble, and likely failure.
So how do we find success in relationships? First, we have to commit to our mate, 100%, to their happiness, their success. Paul wrote that wives should "submit" to their husbands- but that's actually a loose translation. What he said was the wife should get behind and lift up her husband in all he does. And the husband's command? Love your wife as Christ loved His bride, the Church. The husband is to sacrifice everything, even to the extent of his own life, for the sake and well-being of his wife. Who commits like that today? Who loves with complete self-sacrifice? And yet, what an awesome relationship that would make! Two people committed to the happiness of the other.

The key is, especially when the relationship hits a bump in the road, is to remember this: You and your spouse/mate are on the same side, even in an argument. It is important to remember, especially in the passion of the moment, that your desire is to be one in spirit with your mate, and you should have the mindset of "what do I have to do to restore our relationship?". If you think like this then there is nothing to big or difficult to do if it leads to restoration, because your focus is on your mate. If they share a like mindset then they will do whatever necessary to restore the relationship to you. And yet, in the passion of the moment we tend to put ourselves first, and attack, or get defensive, to validate our position. And the problem grows. We need to remember our bottom line, and that is our desire is to have a happy and harmonious relationship with our mate. If that is our desire then no action is too great to do to acheive our bottom line. Food for thought...