In a Nutshell...

I was describing myself today, sort of tongue-in-cheek, to someone, and said, "I'm a simple man, yet complex in my simplicity. I am an enigma, wrapped in a conundrum. That's me, in a nutshell". The response was, "What kind of nutshell?, and after a moment's thought I replied, "Walnut". When pressed why walnut, I explained that walnut shells are somewhat unique in their rough exteriors, but house a pretty good nut inside... They're a little rough, and sometimes tough to crack, but what's inside is usually worth the effort...

That got me thinking about others, and how, in reality, we all wrap ourselves in one sort of shell or another. We all tend to protect our inner selves, to insulate ourselves from the potential hurt of others by hiding in or behind our emotional shells. Some call them walls, and the reality is, to really experience community with others, to meet that emotional void that only community can fill, we need to let others in, we need to allow others to crack our shell and get to the meat of who we really are.

Unfortunately, in all too many cases, who we really are is not someone we ourselves like. And if we cannot like ourselves, much less love ourselves, how can we expect another person to like or love us? Self-worth, self esteem is so important in creating an environment that fosters the trust that another can like, and even love, us for who and what we are. Until we can learn to love ourselves we cannot truly love another, nor can we feel the confidence that they truly love us. Self-acceptance is the first step toward a truly loving relationship with another person. Self-acceptance is the cornerstone for any successful friendship or relationship.

The key to total acceptance, whether for self or others, learning to dispense grace. To accept is to forgive, for we all do wrong, to ourselves, to others. Grace is unmerited forgiveness. God forgives us though we've done nothing to deserve it, and if we can truly accept this fact then we can in turn forgive both our wrongs as well as the wrongs of others. Dispensing grace is as enriching for the dispensor as for the dispensee, for in emulating one of God's attributes we can come to more fully appreciate what He has done for us. Dispensing grace can be a completely humbling act...

Food for thought...

Social Unrest from One of the Silent Majority

I stopped and filled my gas tank this morning. It cost me $53 for just under 13 gallons. As I was driving in to work I mentally did the arithmetic as to what that gas would have cost when I was a child... The result- just over $2.50. Now I'm old, but I'm not that old, that the cost of gasoline should have risen over twenty times its cost in my lifetime. Yesterday an old friend stopped by my store and as we were catching up he told me that he had to shut down his small business this past year, as many have had to do, and was now working a full-time and two part-time jobs to make ends meet. He commented that he'd heard people say there are no jobs out there, but his comment was that there are jobs, just not jobs anyone wants. One of his jobs is armed security, and he shared his experience working at the Federal Building when people came in to get their aid checks, and how angry and irate they got if the checks were late. Angry over

free money... Go figure.

I was encouraged by the recent law Florida enacted, requiring people to pass a drug test before they are eligible for welfare. I think all states should adopt it, for you have to pass a drug test to get a job. Fair is fair. I got to thinking about other ways we could better change our society. Try this:

Anyone who pays taxes gets the right to vote. You don't pay you don't play. Period. Right off the top 51% of our country couldn't vote, because that's the percent of Americans who don't pay any taxes. I'm tired of hearing that the "top 2% of wealthy Americans don't pay enough in taxes- how about the bottom half of the country that pays nothing? And to compound the problem, we give tax refunds to people who pay no taxes! Tell me, if the system isn't screwed up, how can someone who pays nothing get a refund? Do away with earned income credits, with loopholes, with all the crap that rewards people for not paying anything and make a straight tax system that is fair to everyone.

Another benefit of the "no tax-no vote" rule would be the effect on politicians. No longer would it be beneficial to pander to the masses who pay nothing and are a drain on the system  just to earn their vote, for they would not have that right anymore. You would see the politicians begin to pander to those who pay for everything, the way it should have been all along...

I think we have become a very spoiled, very entitlement-driven society, and that is sad. In an effort to try and make things better for our kids each succeeding generation has, in some small part, enabled their children to feel entitled to more, whether or not it's really deserved. Now we've reached a point where we're too good for certain jobs, where we're entitled to money whether or not we earn it, where we demand what is not owed. Perhaps it isn't all bad if a generation or two doesn't fare as well as their parents- a society adjustment, if you will. It works for the stock market... If so, we'll hear that cry, "Thank goodness for Government cheese!"

Food for thought....

Eternity and the finite mind...

I was pondering, this past Thanksgiving weekend, the concept of Eternity. It's a tough ponder, for infinite concepts are not really graspable by the finite mind. Infinite concepts are really only understood by the Uncreated, where infinite is a state of being. Still, I was again amazed at how little we tend to consider what comes after this life...
I believe in a Heaven, and I believe in a Hell, and so time to time I find myself pondering what is to come. It seems that most people I know or meet are really preoccupied with the stresses of day-to-day living, and to getting ahead in this life so what is to come doesn't seem to be of much concern. (It's interesting, but the closer we get to death and dying the more important it seems to become). Still, we should try to consider Eternity, and more than just the occassional thought, for in the larger picture it is really Eternity that matters.
We seem to have gotten our priorities mixed up, for all our focus is on the temporal. If we live say, 70 to 80 years, why do we focus so much time and energy on how we live during those few years when we will exist in Eternity- millieniums of millineums of time spent in either Heaven or Hell... The reality is, the impact we make on world during our few years on this earth, could be equated by the hole you'd leave when you pull your finger out of a bucket of water...  So why aren't we spending more time getting ready for Eternity?

Eternity is an infinite concept, and as such it is incredibly difficult to understand with a finite mind. Actually, we can never fully understand the concept, for it is beyond our reasoning, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try. Concepts like infinity and eternity, things with no beginning and no end, are beyond our reason, for we view time in a linear sense, as a succession of events that move us forward. But time, another infinite concept, isn't necessarily linear, it is portrayed as such to give our finite senses a point of bearing... God exists outside of the concept of time, and is not bound by it's properties and restrictions, so He therefore can see us at all points of our lives at once- but that's another discussion...

I guess the thought I have today, is what am I, or what are you, doing to better prepare for a life after this one? If you believe in life after death, then there a good chance that there's a heaven and a hell too, so where are you headed, and are you secure in destination? To my atheist friends I just have this to say: Should I be right and you be wrong, perhaps you'd better pack for really warm weather... Food for thought.

To have, or not to have...

I was preparing to go to my honey's house this past Sunday, to watch football together, (that's right guys- she watches football! Eat your hearts out!) when I remembered some stuffed pizza I had left in the fridge and I thought, "I wonder if I should take it, just in case we want to nibble on it?" Better to have it, I reasoned, and not want it, than to want it and not have it...

That led me to ponder, is it better to want something but not have it, or have something but not want it? If we lack something and desire it we well may work toward achieving it. On the other hand, having something but not wanting it is waste, perhaps depriving someone of something they may want or need. Not having can create desire, give purpose or direction, set a goal. Having but not wanting is paramount to being wasteful, leading to nothing productive, just the accumulation of things no longer desireable...

Perhaps we need to rethink our motivation in our drive to accumulate "things", for the achievement is not in their aquisition, but in the drive, the desire created, to achieve. It is not the "thing" we desire that is important, but the setting and achieving of the goal... Food for thought...

Urgent or Important?

I decided it was again time to straighten the warehouse, to try and restore some oorder to the most chaotic aspect of my business. As I was working back there I found myself re-doing some of the tasks my guys had already done, or were supposed to do, and I came to the realization that if they don't have time to do the job right the first time they will never have time to do it over.

I think that all too often we mistake "urgent" for "important". We tend to think that those things that are urgent, that seem to demand our immediate attention, are actually important. This is often not the case. If we learn to ignore the urgent and focus on what is truly important those urgeent things will tend to take care of themselves. Too often we use "urgent" as an excuse for poor or shoddy work, when the reality is, we've just put off dealing with what's important until it's blossomed out of control...

Be smart; learn to differentiate between urgent aand important, then focus on the important. Food for thought...

The Human Condition...

I am my own worst critic- this I know, but then, who knows me better? I've been told I'm loving, thoughtful, sensitive, caring, kind, blessed, a blessing- but when I hear these things I know deep in my heart that my core is not good. There's something wrong, something askew, that I cannot fix, and I have tried through the years and utterly failed. My problem is the human condition. My problem is sin.

I'm grateful that others have fought this battle and have shared their struggles, for it gives me reassurance that I don't struggle alone. Paul wrote in Romans that he knew what was right and yet didn't do it. He knew what was wrong and couldn't help doing it. He writes of the battle that raged within him. I can empathize with Paul, and with others who fight this same battle as I, for it is so discouraging to know right but do wrong. It shows how weak I really am, and it scares me, for I am an uncommonly strong man...

Some people handle the human condition by just refusing to acknowledge it within themselves. It doesn't go away, but their response to it callouses them over time, until they just don't feel the tug to do what is right anymore. They live as they want to live, irrespective of the pain or damage they might inflict on others, on ones they love or once loved. Their fellow man is no longer as important as their own selfish wants and desires. And the human condition deepens their lives become more selfish, and self centered. I'm bothered by my inability to overcome sin, and yet I understand that I will never, in this life, be able to in my own power.

I was listening today to Philips, Craig, and Dean and one song they sang said, in effect, "I couldn't reach mercy, so Mercy came running to me." It reminded me yet again, that nothing I do in my own power is enough to overcome my human condition, my sin, but Jesus overcame it once and for all through His sacrifice of love for me. I don't have to overcome sin- it's already defeated. Now I just have to learn to live day by day, moment by moment in the grace and mercy of God and my human condition cannot win. Or, as Paul said, "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me". Paul managed to get it right. I can only pray that I do too. Food for thought...

Relationship Killers #1: Sex...

I think one of the biggest reslationship killers is sex. Personally, I don't see any redeeming social value in it. Sex is a selfish act, performed by selfish people who are afraid of relational depth and commitment, and usually have very little self esteem. Pretty harsh words, but true. Sex is something you can get from a prostitute, or an escort service, and it has one primary function: Meet my carnal needs. Period.

Now, making love, on the other hand, is a beautiful expression of two people uniting as one, with the primary focus to meet the needs and desires of one's mate. It is a culmination of getting to know someone, of exploring and learning about our mate, of desiring to know one deeper, more intimately. It is a result of learning to love someone and it's primary focus is on the other. Love making is selfless... It is far more than merely a physical act of gratification; it is a bonding physically, emotionally, and even spiritually...

So why do so many people seek/choose sex today? Why are there so many one night stands, bar hook ups, etc? I think people are so desperate to connect, to find love, that they jump into bed before they even know the other person. How can you love someone if you don't even know if you like them? And sex has set the tone for any furtherance of a possible relationship. The intial focus is wrong; the possibility of success is not good, for the focus is "meet my needs"...

If the initial focus, when meeting someone, is to get to know them, and as a relationship begins to develop, to put their wants and desires first, as they choose to put yours ahead of theirs, then a giving, nurturting relationship develops. Just the opposite of sex, which says "satisfy me"... A nurturing environment develops and love can grow where nurtured... But love, true love takes time. Time and commitment, and those two things will never be found in a one-night stand. So if you really want to find love then promise yourself that you'll invest the time needed to discover it and allow it to grow. Don't just respond to that physical urge, that lust, that infatuation. Give yourself, and your possible relationship the best odds of making it... Don't just have sex, hold out for making love- you'll never regret it! Food for thought...

Grandma's advice...

One of my guys is going through a tough time right now, relationally speaking, and I'm just amazed again at all the game-playing, the anger, the venom that is spewed by people who are supposed to love each other, who live together, who supposedly care for each other... Doesn't anyone ever stop to consider that once things are said that they can't be taken back? They' re out there, and they have consequences. My grandmother used to say a little ditty that went like this:

"A word when said is dead, some say.
I say, it just begins to live that day."

Now to his credit, my friend has tried to remain calm, and has sought forgiveness for his wrong in this mess, but it takes two to reconcile, and only one to break up... During work yesterday he must have received four or five text messages, full of vile and venom, and anger. To his credit he did not respond via text, on my advice actually, but that only seemed to make her angrier. (my advice was to try and talk face to face, or second best, talk on the phone). Texting, so popular today, is by far the worst way to communicate, for communication is less than 10% the words we use- the rest is tone and body language. So using only text we're limited to less than 10% of our ability to effectively communicate. And yet it has become the method of choice in our "fast food" society. It's no wonder relationships encounter serious communication problems in today's society.

Next time you encounter a "bump" in your relational road please, resist the temptation to shoot off a text, or even an e-mail. Take that extra moment to actually call, and talk to the offender/offended. Your chance not of being misinterpreted, of not being misunderstood just got better- you'll from over 90% chance of error down to about 70%. Better yet, do a face to face, and remove almost all chance of communication misinterpretation.
And as I've blogged in the past, reiterate your bottom line- if you both want to be together, if you both love each other, then even if you're fighting you are on the same side. Do whatever you have to do to restore that relationship. You'll be surprised at how fast your mate will recognize this behavior and begin to move toward reconcilliation too.  Food for thought...

Facial Mathematics...

I'd like to add another mathematical concept to all the new math out there that kids have to learn today. I call the concept "Facial Mathematics". The idea is to help the next generation learn the concept of the ratio betwenn the eyes, ears, and mouth, for I fear most of my generation has failed to learn it...

God gave us two eyes, two ears, and one mouth, clearly a two-to-one ratio of eyes to mouth and ears to mouth. I propose that perhaps the message we need to learn is we should listen twice as much, and look twice as hard, before speaking... If we see and hear more effectively we will naturally increase our understanding and reduce the number of times we speak errantly, or, open our mouth only to insert our foot.

And yet, what of the nose in out facial math theory? One nose, but two nostrils. Is the nose like a facial Switzerland, placed in the middle of the face to keep the peace? I think not.The nose is crafty, for it is the purveyor of smells, sending the sweet aroma of baked goods, the fragrance of roasted meat, the many myrids of smells we experience when cooking, shopping, or eating to the brain, which in turn sends the message to the body- "Stuff some of that good stuff in my mouth!" When we fail to look or listen before speaking the nose uses it's ability to shut the mouth up.

So what is the lesson of facial math? Before speaking- think! Listen, look, and then speak. Let our words be measured, for so much damage is done by the carelessly spoken word! Food for thought...

Good vs Evil...

One of the longer definitions I've ever read in Webster's is for the little word "good". Summarily speaking, Webster's defines "good" as better than average, fertile, fresh, unspoiled, uncontaminated, valid, genuine, healthy, strong, vigorous, safe and sound, honorable, worthy, respectable, enjoyable, plesant, happy, dependable, reliable, right, thourough, complete, adequate, ample, sufficient, satisfying, morally sound, excellent, virtuous, honest, just, pious, devout, kind, benevolent, generous, well-behaved, proper, becoming, correct, loyal, valid, morally right, something desireable or desired... And even more, but you get the idea. The concept of good is culturally difficult to define, because the concept of good is so subjective to each and every one of us.

Likewise, the concept of evil can be subjective. Webster says evil means morally bad or wrong, depraved, wicked, resulting from conduct regarded as immoral, offensive or disgusting, anything that causes harm, pain misery, disaster, etc. Again, a definition that can mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people.

The problem we find is that sometimes things we deem good turn out to be evil, and things we initially label evil can be revealed as good. It is because of the personal and cultural subjectivity of the concepts- as a society because we do not have a concrete definition of good and evil that definition can change over time, circumstance, and shifting of cultural tenets and mores. Personally, because we often label things before fully comprehending or understanding them. Then, with enlightenment, our views, our labels change. In essence, we set ourselves up to be judge over what is good and what is evil, and we are not qualified to judge. It is our desire for power, freedom, and control that often influences our perception of what is good and what is not...

I believe there is a simple, concrete definition for good and evil, one which I am learning (even at my advanced age I find occassionally I can still learn. Take that old dogs!) to embrace. Good is that which is from God, that which is of God, and evil an absence of God, or that which shuns God. Short, concise, concrete. (But we really don't like concrete- it's too binding to our "freedom"). Everything can be judged by this definition- only we don't have to be judge- that's God's job. Food for thought...

Circles...

I've noticed that life, and often events in life, are really circular, or cyclical. In general, we're born, unable to get around on our own, grow into childhood, do fun/dumb things through our teens and early twenties, mature into responsible adults, retire and do fun/dumb things (i.e.- our bucket lists before it's "too late"), slip into our second childhood, and finally are too weak or able to walk...

Another thing I've found that's circular is our good judgement. Our good judgement is what keeps us from making bad decisions, or using poor judgement, and we gain that good judgement through experience. We usually gain experience through choices we've made in our past, usually out of our bad judgement...

My Dad's intelligence has lived a circular life also. When I was young my Dad knew eveything. There was nothing I couldn't get an answer to if I asked. Yet as I grew older my Dad knew less and less, until I realized he knew practically nothing as I reached my late teens and early twenties. I married at 21, and moved away to go to college, determined I would not let myself become dumb like my Dad did. Funny thing though, after moving back, I was 24 or 25 when I realized quite suddenly that my Dad did know things, that he was actually very smart and incredibly long on common sense. How he managed to learn so much in just 3 or 4 years is still a mystery to me..

So many things in life a cyclical, and often, when cycles are bad, we still find it tough to break the cycle. How many times have we heard someone comment, "We didn't learn from our mistakes", or, "History repeats itself"... It takes extrordinary action to break a cycle, and far too often we find it's easier to take the easy road. I guess, all things considered, we shouldn't be surprised when we find ourselves right back where we started... Food for thought...

How teachable are we?

Sometimes it feels like everyone's a critic, doesn't it? Ever have a day where nothing you do seems right, where everyone finds fault with what you say, when nothing just doesn't go right? Sometimes days like that happen, but for some it's almost a way of life. They just seem to live contrary to society. What makes them so? What causes us to have those occassional bouts of contridiction or criticism?
I believe the answer is as simple as "an unteachable spirit". Sometimes criticism isn't bad, or isn't meant to be harmful, but our spirit is unwilling to accept it, so we take offense, and the seed of a problem is planted. Now I'm not saying others can't be harmful in their criticism, or ornery in their social interactions, but those times when we take offense at someone who is offering up a suggestion or comment with a  genuine heart, it is those times that show an unteachable spirit.
We have to be willing to open ourselves up to others, to learn to listen for the intent of a comment, for sometimes people can be blundering in their communication attempts. Too often people are afraid of not being "politically correct", or afraid of having their words twisted or misconstrued that they are overly cautious in their presentation and fail to adequately or accurately communicate their point. Lost is the art of speaking one's heart, of genuine and open communication. In todays world if we want to communicate we must learn to do so in 160 characters or less of a text message! Lol, bff, ttyl, ftf, omg, brb, et al, is the new language, and I'm here to tell you that it isn't working. We cannot effectively communicate in texts, nor are e-mails much better. The tone, the inflection, the non-verbal body language cannot be communicated through a few short abreviated words, and communication is lost, as one puts their own spin or bent to the message...
How can we get back to talking, to listening and responding? To playing attention to those non-verbal signals that communicate so much? Pyschologists say that the words are less than 10% of effective communication; the rest is tone, inflection, body language. Why do we focus on the least effective area of comunication in our effeorts to communicate with each other? Perhaps it all starts with each one of us. The next time we are tempted to dash off a text why not just call? We  might rediscover a whole new world of communication! Food for thought...

A PS. to this note- my daughter was married this past Friday night, and I can say, totally unbiased, that there has never been a more beautiful bride! This is her and her new husband...

Blame...

One of the basest and most difficult emotions we deal with is guilt, (and I will blog on that very emotion at a later time). The most common response to guilt- from our earliest days to the end of our days- is the casting of blame. Casting the responsibility of our actions on another to avoid negative consequenses seems to be bred into our DNA. Children seem equally adept as adults in blaming another when caught violating a social law or tenet.

It is interesting to note that very often when someone is caught in a wrong the desire and resulting action is to channel the blame for those actions toward the party that was wronged, especially in relational settings. How many times have you heard something to the effect as, "I wouldn't have done ____ if only you were more ____, or you hadn't done ____". The rationalization is that if wronged party caused the wrong then casting the responsibility for those wrong actions on them in essence "balances the scales" of justice or moral rightness. Both parties feel guilty then, and both parties are wrong.

It isn't true, of course, for casting of blame never allieviates guilt; it only suppresses it until such a time that it overwhelms us and must be dealt with. Relationally, learning to accept responsibility for our own wrong doings will do more good than harm, for we show our mate that honesty and responsibility and the welfare of our mate are most important to us. By not casting blame we save the other from hurt, indignation, defensiveness, and emotional distress. It's time we learn to man up and face the music... Food for thought...

When tolerance goes wrong...

I thought that I would become more tolerant, more accepting, as I grow older, but instead I find myself becoming more and more frustrated, less and less tolerant at the seeming stupidity of those "in authority". I used to enjoy traveling, but flying has become such a pain that it takes much of the enjoyment out of the experience. In the spirit of being"politically correct" and avoid racial profiling, we extensively search little old ladies, young children, pilots with correct papers, handicapped people, but not Muslim males in their teens and twenties. We have been terrorized by a specific group of people- Muslim male extremists- since the late 60's, from assassinations, to the Olympics attacked, to hi-jackings, embassies bombed, to the terrible act of 9-11- all at the hands of Muslim extremists. Most recently, a Muslim man jumped out of his seat and began pounding on the cockpit door of the plane he was taking, yelling "Abbah akbar", used by Muslims as a "battle cry" in their jihad against the infidel (us). But we shouldn't treat them any differently, lest we be accused of racial profiling.

How stupid are we? These are the people we should pay attention to, for their extremist view of their faith calls for the death of all infidels who fail to conform to their faith. That's us. They wish us dead. Their very faith teaches them they cannot be a good Muslim and a good American, and if they choose to be an American they should be put to death. Pretty radical teaching, yet we don't protect ourselves from them...

Or how stupid are we when it comes to illegal aliens? You sneak into Mexico and get caught you get 4-5 years in a Mexican prison, then get deported. You sneak into the good old US of A and we give you subsidized housing, free medical, free hot lunch programs and education for your kids, the opportunity to work without paying any taxes, and maybe, maybe a slap on the wrist if you get caught. Meanwhile, hardworking tax-paying Americans are busting their butts working to pay for it all. What's wrong with this picture?

Or how dumb are we to re-elect, over and over, politicians who fail to balance a budget? They seem to find the money to pay for their own medical plans, pensions, and benefits, but they can't stop spending when the money is gone. If they can't learn to identify what comes in (revenues), and allocate only that amout to go out(expenses), then they have no business being in office. We're leaving our kids and grandkids a mess. And we're not leaving them (as a whole) better off than we were, for the first time in our history...

What has happened to common sense? I offer that common sense is quite uncommon after all. Food for thought...

Breaking Bad Habits...

We all have bad habits, those things that we do that we'd rather not, those things that we know are wrong but still we do them, those things that irritate us but we can't seem to stop... How do we break a bad habit? How do we change ingrained behavior?
I was a Psych major and we studied habits in general, bad habits in particular. I was taught the substitution method- if you want to break a bad habit replace it with another. In theory it works, but putting it into practice is more difficult. We tend to try to just stop doing the bad habit, leaving a vaccuum for the habit, or another, to return.

I saw an interesting illustration last week in Church though, which gave me a new perspective on how to change behavior. The pastor held up a glass filled with brown, dirty water, with all kinds of crud floating in it. This represents our lives, our bad behavior that we'd like to change. Instead of trying to dump it out, to start over if you will, and refill the glass with clean, he just began pouring clean water into the dirty, cruddy mess. As the glass overflowed an amazing thing began to happen: the crud spilled out, the dirty brown water diluted, and the more clean water was added the clearer the glass became. It became evident to me that it is entirely possible to change behavior, not by seeking to eliminate it, but by immersing ourselves in behaviors that we desire and, in time, those negative behaviors will become diluted, weakened, and finally disappear altogether. Subtraction by addition. Food for thought...

Causes of Failed Relationships...

Why do relationships fail? We question ourselves, and even assess blame (often to ourselves) for relalationships that fail. We wonder what went wrong, how could we have avoided failure, what could we have done differently. We beat ourselves up and vow not to make the same mistakes again. Unfortunately, there's one undeniable fact that seems to prove itself over and over: We do not learn from our mistakes, and history is destined to repeat itself. So the next time, despite our best efforts, we fail again. Why?
Relationships can fail for a variety of reasons; infidelity, apathy, abuse, destruction of trust, alienation of affections, anger issues, and the list goes on. But are these reasons, or symptoms, symptoms that manifest themselves because the relationship is built on faulty foundations? I believe that there is a base reason that relationships fail, and that is selfishness. We enter relationships with the (sometimes subconsciously) hope of meeting our own needs and desires. The relationship grows or falters as our needs are met or denied. When one or both in a relationship consistently puts themselves first the relationship is destined for trouble, and likely failure.
So how do we find success in relationships? First, we have to commit to our mate, 100%, to their happiness, their success. Paul wrote that wives should "submit" to their husbands- but that's actually a loose translation. What he said was the wife should get behind and lift up her husband in all he does. And the husband's command? Love your wife as Christ loved His bride, the Church. The husband is to sacrifice everything, even to the extent of his own life, for the sake and well-being of his wife. Who commits like that today? Who loves with complete self-sacrifice? And yet, what an awesome relationship that would make! Two people committed to the happiness of the other.

The key is, especially when the relationship hits a bump in the road, is to remember this: You and your spouse/mate are on the same side, even in an argument. It is important to remember, especially in the passion of the moment, that your desire is to be one in spirit with your mate, and you should have the mindset of "what do I have to do to restore our relationship?". If you think like this then there is nothing to big or difficult to do if it leads to restoration, because your focus is on your mate. If they share a like mindset then they will do whatever necessary to restore the relationship to you. And yet, in the passion of the moment we tend to put ourselves first, and attack, or get defensive, to validate our position. And the problem grows. We need to remember our bottom line, and that is our desire is to have a happy and harmonious relationship with our mate. If that is our desire then no action is too great to do to acheive our bottom line. Food for thought...

Comfort Zones....

We all tend to find areas of life that we are comfortable in and sometimes it's hard to break out of out comfort zones, to challenge ourselves beyond that which is established, or comfortable. Personally, I've found a comfort zone in just being alone. I've had relationships in my past, though not many, and quite honestly I've been hurt, and deeply, in each important relationship I've entered into. Trust, which I consider a vital cornerstone, was broken in all but one, and I find it a little more difficult each time to put myself out there and make myself vulnerable, only to have that trust shattered yet again... What happened to honesty, to integrity? So I choose to be alone, to trust myself alone, but not to trust in another...

Tonight I responded to an e-mail from a friend and found myself writing, "Sometimes it is easier to remain safe than happy". How sad is that! And altogether too true sometimes. I think sometimes we see the risk and forfeit potential happiness all in the name of playing it safe. The potential for hurt doesn't outweigh the potential happiness- in fact the trade off may not even be close- but the potential for hurt does impact our comfort zone. So we pass- on life, on potential happiness, on new and glorious experiences, on the possibility of great new memories to warm us when we grow old... We sacrifice happiness for the sake of safety, of comfort. And we rob ourselves of an abundant life...

Is it better to be safe than happy? I think not, so I have to ask myself, what is holding me back? Why aren't I living out there on the edge grasping for all life has to offer? Well, for now at least, I have an alibi- I broke both bones in my lower right leg last week after slipping on the ice. No jumping or grabbing etc, for a while- Doctor's orders. (I'm such a coward!)

It's all about Attitude...

Some time back my daughter had some friends over and one of them spilled some soda. I proceeded to clean it up while she apologized profusely. I assured her it was just an accident, to which she replied that her dad would have gotten all upset. I told her that all getting upset does is to drain me emotionally, and an accident isn't worth that. My daughter then commented, "Dad wasn't always like that. He's pretty cool that way now". I was surprised and somewhat flattered that she'd paid attention...

Yesterday was a real test to my philosophy that accidents aren't worth getting upset over. I am doing a little painting around the house and while painting the trim around my deck door I tripped over the almost full paint can and fell, also knocking the paint can over- on my expensive oriental rug... I almost got upset, but decided my time was better suited to getting up the paint and trying to save the rug. After about an hour's work, in which I pretty much covered myself in ultra-white trim paint, I was satisfied that the rug was okay and I was too. I returned to my painting and climbed my little step-stool to paint above the door- forgetting a very important fact- and promptly stuck my head into the twirling ceiling fan. A couple of sharp blows to my temple and back of the head sent me tumbling off the stool to the floor once again... Not a good night by anyone's standards. But I didn't get upset. I just decided the house looked good enough for now and put in a movie and sat back in the recliner...

So this morning I came in and found I had little smudges of paint to clean off the recliner. I guess I should have thought and changed out of my paint-covered painting clothes before getting comfy. Okay, if this day continues like yesterday I may give in to those baser desires and really get upset! I hope not, 'cause I believe the quality of life is so dependent on attitude, and the better our attitude the better life looks. Our situation is often defined by the attitude we approach it with. It's all about attitude...

Chicago Bears lose- But I Win!

My Chicago Bears lost today, to their arch-rivals the Green Bay Packers. I watched the game with a friend, and we cheered, and groaned, and lived vicariously through our fallen heroes. I couldn't help but remember the week of hype we went through- the news stories in the newspaper, the nightly TV reports, the stories of fan loyalty and even some violence as people defended "their" teams.

You know, when I stop and remember that these teams are grown men, paid millions of dollars, to play a kid's game a lot of the importance seems to wither and fade in light of things in life that really matter. It really makes all the hoopla seem pretty silly, and feeling bad over a loss by one team or another is pretty ridiculous. I didn't make millions of dollars, nor did I win or lose a game. I'm merely a spectator, cheering and hoping for a winning result, but when the game is over my life carries on, win or lose. My life isn't dramatically affected with a win or a loss.


So tonight I reflect on my Chicago Bears. You lost my friends, and I wish you had won, but I don't feel badly, like I may have in the past. Your loss is part of your life, and you are living the fantasy; being obscenely paid to play a kid's game, your finacial life secure. Win or lose you will go on and play another day. You won't have to get up every day and work like hundreds of millions of others just to make ends meet, you won't have to worry about how the economy will affect your livelihood, for your country is filled with suckers who continue to pay their hard-earned dollars to watch you play. We work, you play. I don't feel bad anymore. So guess what? I think that means whether you win or lose, I've grown up, I've grown past allowing your success or failure to help define my happiness. So I win!


Food for thought...

The State of Vulnerability...

"Only weak people allow themselves to be hurt." Ouch. I heard that and cringed... A few thoughts....

I written in several past posts about vulnerability, (and you can call them up thru the search function and read those thoughts, if interested), especially about vunerability's relationship with our ability to love deeply and completely. The relationship between our ability to experience true love and our ability let down our emotional walls, to put ourselves out there, is unquestioned. However, many people view vulnerability as a weakness, because vulnerability can lead to hurt, and allowing ourselves to get hurt is viewed as a sign of weakness. I beg to differ that point: to intentionally open ourselves up to the possibility of being hurt so that we might obtain a deeper, more encompassing, more fulfilling love is not weakness. No, the state of being vulnerable shows strength- of emotion, of will, of character. To face the possibility of pain for the greater gain is noble, while retreating behind emotional walls, closing onesself off from the possibility of hurt and the surety of deeper love, is the act of a coward.

People who say that they've been hurt in their past and don't want to risk hurt again as an excuse to withdraw are really saying that they took a chance in their past and it didn't pan out the way they wanted so now they choose to just exist emotionally instead of taking a chance on living, on experiencing the joys and excitment life has to offer. Existence vs life. An emotional fortress vs vulnerability. The choice is ours; are we strong enough to make it?