Self Examination...

I think most people have a good capacity for unbiased judgement in most areas, but as a people we tend to allow our emotions, our biases, to affect our judgements of those things or people most dear to us. And no one is closer to us than we are to ourselves. I think this is why we have such difficulty in seeing ourselves as others see us. We see ourselves as informed; others see us as a gossip or know-it-all. We tell ourselves we are social, others see us as flirty, or a threat to their relationship. We might see ourselves as funny or witty, others see us as crude or obnoxious. Whatever the case we tend to hold ourselves in the best possible light in our own mind, which is good for healthy self-esteeem.

We run into problems relationally however, when our perception of ourselves and the reality of how another views us is in conflict. We tend to passionately defend our own view of ourself while (sometimes passionately) dismissing the opposing view as inaccurate, or wrong. Our capacity for unbiased self-examination is clouded by our emotions; our defensiveness at having our very being ""attacked", our desire not to acknowledge we might be "wrong" or different that we percieve ourselves to be, our fear that we might somehow be less [appealing] than we think we are. The causal effect is relational disharmony. And we tend to blame the other party because, after all, we see ourselves differently than they do. Our truth can be radically different than their truth. And in the end, the relationship pays the price. I think this was the principle the Apostle Paul wrote about when he said there may be many things you personally find acceptable, but if your actions cause a brother to stumble then don't do it, for you are wrong, not him for inability to accept it.

If we could develop the ability to listen to our mates, (or spouses, or partners, or companions-name them as you will), and try to see ourselves as they see us, through the lens of their experiences, we might find that the very things we find acceptable within ourselves are highly stressful to our partner and may be creating avoidable stress that might ultimately destroy the relationship. If it is damaging to one we love is it not concievable that we consider modifying whatever that stressor is for the good of the other and our relationship? Yet our world is filled with failed relationships, and almost universally it was the other person's fault for the failure of the relationship. Why? We only see us, our side, and then we don't have to shoulder blame or failure. And for the most part we are a selfish, self-centered society, which teaches us that you grab for all you can get and try to hang on; certainly not the idea of putting others first, even if that other is one you claim to love.

Personally, I have tried to go back and examine my past relationships, especially those that failed, and own my responsibility for those failures. I have found it to be a growth experience. I have also found that unless two parties are willing to communicate openly and be receptive to [what we might feel are criticisms] from our mate in areas of stress the relationship is in trouble. An example would be if one person had trust issues stemming from infidelites against them in the past and the other partner consistently acted in a manner that tested that trust but did no "wrong" then where is the fault when the relationship ultimately stumbles and falls? Is it the partner who had trouble trusting, or is it the partner who seemed to repeatedly test the trust by flirting or acting in a manner that seemed inappropriate to the other? The reality is both will walk away blaming the other for the failure, when in light of that reality if the other person was more important that our own need to be right the relationship could have easily been saved. But communication is key, as is our willingness to put aside our own egos and be willing to view ourself as another sees us. Then, if that person, that relationship is important enough to us, we might be willing to take whatever steps necessary to save it.

But the question remains: Can we put aside ourselves for the greater good of our relationships, and how do we do that without becoming a "relational doormat"? There's a fine line that we have to be careful of crossing, where we become enablers. The only way for a relationship to work properly, to be sufficient for both parties, is if both parties are willing to put the other first. Then it becomes mutually fulfilling. Anything less is ultimately doomed to failure.