Settling...

A friend stopped by my office this past week and, after some preliminary pleasantries, informed me he was "having marital problems again". Now this is a good Christian man, a good Christian couple, long married with grown kids and now grandkids... This wasn't the first time he'd told me this either... In the past we've discussed what is right or wrong, what we felt God would desire him to do, but this time was a bit different. This time my friend battles cancer and he felt the meds he's taking might be influnecing behavior. So we talked about grace, extending and receiving, and about acting outside the box, or doing some unexpected kindness, or act that was totally outside his norm, not as a apology, but to say, "Despite our difficulties I still love you, I still care". I could tell it was clearly outside his comfort zone...

Our discussion turned to the possibilities of divorce, and the relational advantages and disadvantages of it. After a bit he made a very profound summary, which, in a nutshell, was: "I guess it's just easier to take some occassional crap than to start all over." After a pause I guess I had to agree. In my youth, my idealist years, I believed that change was possible, even probable, if things weren't what I thought they should be. As I've matured I've come to realize that change often just means exchanging one set of baggage for another. I began to learn to weigh each relationship, each obstacle, in my life to see if the good still outweighed the bad and, if so, to remain with it. Change usually only occurs now when the bad outweighs the good. In essence, I've learned to settle somewhat. And settling isn't always bad. I think that, if we don't leaqrn to settle to at least some degree we end up without any meaningful depth to our relationships, we end up outside of meaningful community, we end up alone, and lonely... I am glad I learned settling isn't so bad, and I hope my closest relationships appreciate it too!