Soul Terror...

When Adam and Eve first chose to excercise their free will in disobedience of God, when they first ate of the fruit of the tree of knowledge, they seperated themselves from community with God, the very reason for their creation, their reason for being. Since then every human being has been born seperated from the Father, and every human being has a hole, an emptiness, a void that they seek to fill; the void of seperation from community with God. Deep within each of us is the knowledge of good and evil, and within each of us is a free will which allows us to decide what course our lives will take.
The problem comes in when we look into the mirror of our lives, to determine the reflection there, to chart what course we take. Our mirror is flawed, cracked, broken, and the reflection is fragmented and impure. Only God see us as pure, without sin, through the sacrifice of his son Jesus Christ, through the cleansing of his shed bled. When we look we think we know what's best; we think we can find fulfillment and contentment, peace on our own. And we begin our quest to fill that void...
As we strive to fill that void, that darkness in our soul, our internal, subconcious focus is on filling the void in the area of our greatest fear, our "soul terror"; it is that thing that we are most afraid of... For some it is fear of poverty, or lack of success, lack of recognition, for some fear of rejection, desire to be accepted, for some fear of lonliness, ending up their life all alone. Some fear not being loved, some fear lack of security, some fear ignorance; whatever the core of our soul terror, it is there we seek to fill the void. We venture into our darkness, look into our fragmented mirror of our life and seek to fill the void in our power, for our terror is the source of our deepest sin, we think it is too personal to share, so we shoulder the burden alone. We find ourselves seeking fulfillment in success, in our work, acceptance in promiscuity, love in pornography, recognition in our service, security in relationships... Whatever our terror, there lies our darkest fear, our deepest need. We are consumed by the darkness, by our soul terror.
Jesus Christ brought us life, brought us the way to restore community with the Father, to fill the void created by that initial sin. And just as it was an act of free will to sin, to disobey God, it is also an act of our free will to accept the gift of his grace, his forgiveness and restore that fellowship. Jesus was life, and that life was light to men (John 1:4), and he shines into our darkness (v.5), and he faces our soul terror with us, if we allow him. He is our example, our perfect mirror, and when we look at him he is clear and unblemished. As we expose ourselves to him we should seek to follow his example, become more Christ-like. For he is our example; fully God, yet fully human, he lived his life, not through his power as God, but through the power of the Holy Spirit; the same Spirit he promised would be with us always. He showed us how we can live, with the same power, the same abundance, if we submit our free will to the Father, if we choose to obey... We may not have the power ourselves, but God gives us the authority to command his power to overcome our darkness, to live according to his will.
We must learn to hate our sin more than we love it's pleasures, for the pleasure of sin is fleeting, temporal. The repercussions of sin, the guilt, the shame, the embarrassment, the rebellion, the seperation, are far more devestating to our lives than the momentary pleasure of our sin. So why are we so weak, why do we intentionally fail time after time? Because we have not determined to submit, to commit our will to the Father. We stubbornly hold on to that which sets us apart from God, for our view is flawed, our thinking impure. Submission of our will frees us from the bondage of our sin, our darkness, and allows fellowship and community, allows forgiveness and restoration. Submission involves humility; we are arrogant and ignorant, by and large, as a people...

Father, face with me the terror of my soul. You know me at my weakest, at my most vulnerable, my darkest. Help me to face my darkness, in the light of your Son, and help me to overcome those areas that keep me from you. Free in me your power, allow me to grow more Christ-like, to draw upon your Holy Spirit to overcome this world. Nudge me closer, ever closer to you. Amen.