Island living...

I ran across this draft tonight, unpublished from several years ago, and in reading it I thought I messed up in not publishing it... We all need to own our wrongs, and I'm no exception... So here's a past blog that still has relevence... (And, my hair doesn't have all the grey in it that it now does!)


I messed up this week, and the amazing thing to me is how difficult it was to admit to myself that I'd screwed up. It shouldn't be anything new; I've messed up one way or another my whole life. We all do. Owning it is usually the most difficult part. Usually I don't have a problem admitting I'm wrong. I have very good self-esteem, and I learned long ago that the world doesn't stop or the universe collapse if I just own my wrong. So why was this time so different?

I think this time involved matters of the heart. I felt hurt and responded to my hurt, yet it was my error that contributed to the hurt, for I didn't remember all the circumstances (for those of you who know me know how huge that is- when do I forget anything!?) But forget I did, and then felt my hurt, and in my emotional pain reacted. Even before finding out my error I knew I'd messed up. And the result was I hurt someone I love, and created a situation that I don't think either of us ever wanted. Sure, there may have been issues to discuss, there may have been some hurt feelings anyway, but I mishandled things and magnified the problem...

So what to do? It's so difficult admitting wrong when you feel wronged, even when those feelings are unjustified... I did write a note and ask forgiveness, but it doesn't seem to be enough. It's tough being an idiot, or acting like a fool, and I imagine it's every bit as tough forgiving someone who acts that way toward us...

So much of my life I spent insulating myself from people, from letting people in, for when I have it seems like I've been deeply hurt, and let down. I've had very little faith in another's ability to care for my emotions, so I've been an island much of my life, letting the river of life flow around and by me, but not letting anyone land... Now I've let someone down, I've failed to protect that which was precious; it was my fault. It's a whole different perspective from this side of the apology. I think I feel worse than when I'm wronged...

Maybe I need more time on the island... the only one I can hurt there is myself...