Actions...

"Actions have consequences." Boy, if that isn't the toughest lesson to learn in life I'm not sure what is. Everything we do creates ripples in our own little worlds, and everything we do creates a response of one kind or another. It's a lesson we wish our kids would learn yet we seem to forget it ourselves.

I find myself acutely aware nowadays, of those things in my past that color my relationships today. I find I must constantly guard myself against judging those in my life today, not by their own merit, but rather by the standards I have erected in my mind, standards built off the failures of past relationships. I find those failures have tainted my perspective, for I am more cynical, less open and believing of others because of the let downs experienced in my past. So I stand vigilant now, against myself, against my inner demons that rise up to ambush current relationships...

Even as I strive for objectivity in my assessments of those others near and dear to me I find frustration when I run up against this very thing applied to me from those who are signifcant in my life. I find myself feeling as if I am constantly compared to those in the past, feeling as if I don't meet expecatations, or I am repeating behaviors of those who have walked this relational path before me who may not have been as sincere or as truthful as I am. I pay the price for those who went before, who muddied the waters with selfishness, or infidelity, or deceit. How am I supposed to show sincerity when my words are discounted, my actions questioned, my feelings doubted because they are similar to those "failures" who came before? I can only be me, and pray that one day sincerity will win out, that my actions will finally outweigh the past, that they will support my words. Perhaps one day, if I can stay the course, I can overcome the past and all that is good will finally outweigh the hurt of past failures. Perhaps one day I will be seen objectively, as unique and honest, authentic, and sincere. If I can stay the course, for if not I simply become another in the list of relational failures, though the failure is not in my in honesty or sincerity, but only in my inability to deal with constant rejection of my words, actions, my very essence...