It has been sometime since I've written, and I don't know if anyone even reads anymore, but I'm stuck, and don't know what to do, where to turn, so if anyone still checks in occassionally and has some insight, I'd love to hear it...
Here's the situation in a nutshell: I've been seeing a wonderful woman for the better part of a year now and things are good- on the surface. We have a strong friendship, much stronger than our relationship, which is good. We enjoy each other's company. We communicate regularly, and well. But here's the problem...
I learned long ago that there is inherent danger to making oneself vulnerable to loving again. The possibility for hurt, for disappointment is ever present, but not to be vulnerable robs one of something so much greater than the potential hurt. To love and be loved is the greatest of feelings. So I made myself vulnerable, and I fell in love again. As I learned her good points and her flaws I loved her for them. Unfortunately, my new love tends to close herself off to those deep emotions, choosing to remain behind self-imposed walls to "protect" herself from hurt or disappointment. We've discussed it- she doesn't even want me to say I love her, because she's been told in the past and now doesn't believe it. On rare occassions (maybe 3-4x this relationship) she's told me she loved me, but then is quick to make light of the moment, or retreat behind her emotional walls. I've showed her in many ways, many acts, how I feel, and the validity of my words are backed with actions, but to no avail.
I feel like I am being robbed of something precious, that my emotional needs are being sacrificed for the sake of her unwillingness to believe, to open up... Once she told me I was the best thing that's ever come in to her life- so why does she chance losing that by pushing me away aand closing me off emotionally? I don't know. I can't imagine my life now without her, but I can't continue on giving without receiving that emotional connection in return... Sooner or later my tank will run dry and there will be nothing left to give; if I leave it justifies her emotional walls (to her) and I become like those who said in the past "I love you" but didn't really mean it- because I too left. I don't think the idea that she pushes me away emotionally really occurs to her as a possibility to destroy our relationship... And yet she's told me that she realizes I might not be getting everything I need out of our relationship, but she isn't willing to give more right now...
My heart is broken, often, when I leave her, for there is nothing worse than leaving the one you love and not being able to remind them of that love until we meet again. No, there is something worse; it's loving someone and never hearing they love you too... So what do I do? Where do I turn next? Despite all the good in this relationship it is doomed to failure without that emotional connection that flows both ways... I've been patient, but now I find my tank running dangerously low, and my thoughts of what a fool I am to open up myself to yet more heartache in my life... When questions like "Is it worth it?" start arising then perhaps it's not... Food for thought...
THOUGHTS OUTSIDE THE BOX : Issues and Thoughts... A Journey toward Spiritual Attainment...
5 comments:
Hi Buddy,
We communicatred a long time ago on match and I have been reading your blogs since. I can totally relate and understand the sadness and disappointment from the love you feel not being reciprocated.I have been a prisoner of the heart myself. My situation is totally different but I have given my heart and soul to a man hoping one day he would feel the same way, we have been broke up persay for a year now, but because i loved him - I kept parts of the relationship going anyway. He has built walls around his heart as well, and to this day says he cannot fully give of himself to anyone until he is fulfilled and satisfied with the other areas of his life. He is a teacher, and has been looking for the "right" job the whole time I have known him.(Almost three years now) He has a belief that until he gets to where he wants to be, he will not be in a committed relationship. I haven't had the strenth to leave this situation, although I know it is a hurtful and I will probably never have him love me the way a man should love a woman. I have always been a giver in love and a nurturrer. Not being able to let go of him has prevented me from connecting with someone new that may be able to give me the love and tenderness I deserve back. I have prayed over and over again to God, that either he will free me of this, or have the man I love and would like to spend my life with realize I am the woman for him and he should be putting his heart ahead of a job.
Good luck to you Buddy, and wish me some too, being in limbo of the heart is not any way to live.
I do wish you luck, my Friend, and hope your friend realizes sooner rather than later that satisfaction and happiness don't come from external sources, rather they come from within, from our own realization of our self-worth. There will always be external hinderances to our "fulfillment"- it's called life- but it's our acceptance of ourselves that we begin to find happiness and fulfillment from within. It is self-actualization, good self esteem. I hope he finds it... And I hope you (and I also) find the strngth to do what is in our best interests... My best to you.
I think you deserve to find happiness and if somebody can't or isn't willing to give you what you need then find somebody who is open to it. Life's too short to waste on bad or unfulfilling relationships.
Wow, that last comment was kind of harsh. Hi Buddy. I hope you don't follow that advice unless it's a last course of action. Have you shared your feelings openly with her Bud? She's not a mind reader and may think everything is ok. Communicate, communicate, communicate! I know it can be hard, but if she really cars for you maybe it will make a difference. But don't keep things bottled up- it's not very healthy!
S.B.
After reading your blog I think you are very sensitive, (at least for a guy!) Don't give up on your relationship if you love her. I think in time she will come to appreciate what she's got (if not, move on down South- we know what to do with a good man!) I hope all works out for you. Keep writing- I enjoy your insights.
T
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