Entitlement...

I think that each generation has desired to leave their children a little better off than they were, yet I believe this has also bred a sense of entitlement within each new generation that has grown and pervaded our society until it has become a disease of epidemic proportion among adults and children alike. The “what’s in it for me” mindset is a deadly assassin to relationships, spelling swift and often undetected failure. We are left wondering what happened, why the other didn’t try harder… Rarely do we consider our attitude as the culprit. The idea of a relationship, or a marriage as being equal, as being a 50-50 proposition, is a fallacy of a selfish generation that society has eagerly bought into.

There’s rarely anything equal in a relationship, for to be constantly equal two people would have to always be exactly at the same place emotionally, physically, socially, philosophically, and spiritually, and that just doesn’t happen. Rather, within the context of a relationship, couples should strive for a 100-100% ratio, so when one falls short the other is there to pick up that slack. The goal should be selflessness, not selfishness, for then, and only then will we find fulfillment within a relationship. So how does that work?

A relationship, by definition, means, “working together or as being of the same kind.” It means we must be willing to give in order to get, yet without the idea that the only reason I give is for you to give to me. The focus must be on our partner, not ourselves, if we want to be truly successful. And for a relationship to work, both must share the same focus, the same desires, the same relational goals, or ultimately one ends up giving and the other taking, the selfless and the selfish, and the relationship dies. Three elements are essential in any successful relationship, and it is amazing how often one or more is missing. They are honesty, trust, and communication.
Honesty is the cornerstone on which trust is built. Trust is making ourselves vulnerable to another, and their ability to place our vulnerability above their own interests. If one violates our trust, or we find that they haven’t been honest with us, the relationship is damaged, often beyond recovery. Trust can be rebuilt however, but not without sufficient grace and forgiveness from the damaged party. Forgiveness is merely our giving up our right to get even for a wrong done to us, and grace is unmerited mercy, kindness, and/or forgiveness. If we care enough for the welfare of the other, more than for ourselves, then reconciliation and reconstruction of trust is not only possible, but also a very viable option. If our attitude focuses on the damage done to “me” and the pain I feel, and my desire to return the hurt, the relationship is in serious trouble.

Communication is most often the missing, or misunderstood, essential element, for a selfish attitude doesn’t care to learn to effectively communicate. Communication is not telling your mate what you want, or yelling, or demanding, or crying… Communication is the art of listening and sharing. Too often couples try to communicate during times of emotion, but one cannot effectively deal with an issue with anger, hurt, or emotion present. You must deal with the emotion first, then, when things are calm, discuss the issue. When anger, hurt, etc are present the ability to discuss logically is seriously impaired. It is perfectly acceptable to take some time out, to go for walk, etc, when emotions are running high and compromising effective communication.

It is perfectly fine to share what we want, and indeed that is essential in communicating, but we must listen also, to the needs and desires of our mate to effectively communicate. If both parties desire to meet the needs of the other then each person’s own needs will be met, selflessly, by their partner.

Look at the marital relational example we’re given in Ephesians 5. First, in v 21, we are exhorted to “submit” to one another… Next, in v 22, wives are instructed to “submit” to their husbands, yet the word “submit” in v 22 doesn’t exist in the original text, but was added to “allow better translation” by biblical scholars. So what then are we told in these verses? We are instructed to, “Submit to one another out of reverence to the Lord, and wives to their husbands.” This would be a more accurate reading. Also the word submit does not mean subjugate yourself, but rather to get under, and lift up, to support each other, and wives support your husband. Yet both are exhorted to support the other. The role of the husband is even more sacrificial toward the wife, for in v 25 he is exhorted to “love his wife as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her.” A husband should be willing to give up everything, including his life, for the sake of his wife, the woman he loves. Do we see this modeled today? Rarely it seems, or divorce, infidelity, separations, marriage counseling would not be so prevalent. Imagine, knowing your wife will unconditionally support you, or your husband would die for you, because you are the most important person on this earth to him. Wow. Giving of our self to find self-fulfillment. What a radical concept in today’s “Me” generation

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