The Bottom Line...

If life teaches anything, it is that, more than we care to admit, we are driven by our emotions. Too often we make decisions, or react, during the passion of the emotion, without regard or proper thought to the consequence of our reactions. We speak quickly, or harshly, and then, when the passion of the moment diminishes, we regret... My grandmother used to say a little ditty that has stayed with me since childhood:

"A word is dead when said, some say. I say, it just begins to live that day."

So how do we combat these emotions that drive us, how do we deal with the passions of anger, of hurt, disrespect, envy, or hurt pride? When we are faced with these negative emotions (among others), especially in the context of relationships, how do we deal constructively with them, how do we minimize their destructiveness? How do we eliminate that "I wish I could say/do that over!" syndrome?

I think that perhaps the healthiest approach is to constantly remind ourselves of what our bottom line really is. Especially, in the light of relationships from casual to intimate, we can find personal resolution without the need to control the whole equation. It isn't healthy to try to change others; indeed, we can only hope to have some measure of success in changing ourselves, for that is really all we ultimately control. (And often, trying to change our behavior seems more daunting a task than attempting to change another). So how can we modify our responses to emotion?

As we are faced with negative emotion we must learn to ask ourselves, "What is my bottom line in this relationship?" Awareness of our bottom line is the important first step. Then we need to realize where we are in relation to where we want to be. Our second question to ourselves must be,"How do I get from where I am to where I want to be?" This can be difficult, for our emotions rarely are in sync with our desires (when not under emotional duress). Last, we must ask ourselves, "Is my response going to move me closer or farther from my bottom line?" If our bottom line is important to us then we will learn self-discipline in our responses and reactions.

It is a beautiful relationship that has two people with awareness of the same bottom line, with the same desire, for, when faced with conflict they can remind each other of what is important, and then work toward it's attainment together. By sharing a common goal, the same bottom line, even in the midst of conflict, they remain on the same side, for they share the same ultimate desire. Conflict doesn't remain long in such a relationship, for it needs two "sides" to florish.