Behind the walls...

I often feel misunderstood, frustrated, and alone. I don't understand myself sometimes, especially the depth of feeling that often stirs me, so I have little hope of another understanding me. Behind the stoic exterior is a boiling caldron of sometimes barely containable emotions. Wit and humor set a solid wall of defense against prying eyes and hearts. Even as I long to fully experience love I recognize the walls I've constructed to keep it away, or at least the negative consequences of the emotion. Fierce introspection lately has indeed revealed my heart's defenses and difficult characteristics of true love, that love which my heart longs for with untold passion...

I think everyone today longs to be loved, and indeed some are, while others of us continue to search. And yet, it is so elusive. Why? Because it is impossible to experience true love unless our heart is right, and is prepared to give as well as receive... True love is selfless and that flies against our very desire to protect our heart and all that our failed love experiences teaches us we need to do to avoid hurt. We are selfish; we want guarantees that we won't be hurt if we enter in to a relationship, we want the other to take the chance, we want control. We enter love like a kid afraid of a swimmimg pool- a toe first, maybe a foot after a minute more, then timidly, step by step, as it slowly engulfs us...

I think love is best experienced via the cannonball route. Not from a selfish prospetive, but a selfless one. If we truly love then our desire is first for our mate and their happiness. It is about giving up control, about putting the other above ourself... It is commiting to the other, being vulnerable and transparent, open and game free... It is a surrendering of self for the betterment of the relationship. It is the giving of our most precious resource; ourself, our soul. It is becoming fully vulnerable with no guarantees of happiness or success, just an abandonment to another with the trust that they will hold our heart as preciously and carefully as we need them to. It is a commitment to living without walls, defenseless, with our mate. And if our mate doesn't share these values we will be hurt, brutally and callously hurt. I know; to a severe degree I understand this. Takers thrive on givers...

It shouldn't be surprising to me to find this viewpoint so rare today, among those seeking love, for mostly the viewpoint is selfish- how to find love without going through pain, or failure, or mistakes of the past. Sometimes I find myself embracing such a desire. Yet to fully experience the depth and breadth of love, to fully embrace it's all-encompassing power, the possibility of hurt must be present. It is a characteristic of the Creation; man is a creature of choice, of free will, and every choice has two sides. Joy or hurt. Selfless or selfish. Guarded or open. Walled or vulnerable. Look at perfect love- look at Jesus Christ. Look at his choices. I want to love God, and love people as he did. Even more specifically, I want to fall in love with one who desires to love me with the same reckless abandon as I do her... The question is, am I willing to chance the hurt again? Am I willing to give me to another? Do I have the guts to do a cannonball, or will I be content to just test the waters? I would love to just be able to cut loose with that special someone, to shower them with love and affection as my heart desires, to engage in the Great Romance... But I am "too intense", too overwhelming when allowing my emotions free reign, so I slide behind my wall of stoicism, and hide my inner longings behind a facade of extroversion and wit. And I am frustrated, and alone... I don't know; it is a deeply conflicting issue...