I really don't like hypocrites at all. Few people do. And yet, I fnd myself guilty of this very thing. I am a hypocrite. All my life I've been true to others' expectations, but not really true to myself. I've struggled with this before, yet seem to be stuck on the same path I've walked for a lifetime. You see, I've learned to become whatever is expected of me. I'm a good son, a good dad, a good Christian, a good boss, a good friend, a nice guy. But I'm not, deep down... I am not.There is something fierce and savage in me that screams to get out, yet I have kept an iron hand on my heart for so long I have subdued it, pressed it into submission, quenched it's desire. Instead of following my heart I have forced my heart to follow my (or others') expectations. I have been suffocating my heart. For years. I am now a human chameleon, changing to fit expectations. I have learned to be whatever is desired- but not necessarily my desire. The truly sad thing is, God looks at the heart (I Sam 16:7). We usually think of that as his examination of our thoughts and motives, but I think it goes well beyond that. I think God looks at my heart and sees a supressed, beaten into submission, broken heart, for I have not been true to my heart for many years.
I want to live, to love, so completely and freely that my heart soars with the eagles. I want to save the beauty, my Beauty, from life's trials and tribulations, I want to follow the deep longings of my heart, the quest for adventure. I don't want my Beauty to be my adventure, but want to sweep her up into my adventure with me... But that scares people away. So I bind my heart, I become stoic and contained, domesticated on the outside while raging on the inside. I please others at the cost of my soul. I become a farce, a hypocrite. I think I was born about 150 yrs too late, for I feel the call to ride off in the wilderness, to lose myself among the majesties of creation, to follow the yearning of my heart. My heart is still wild, savage, untamed, desiring to be freed, yet bound in the chains of societal expectation. One day I will free my heart, one day I will find that one who desires to walk with me, to run with me, who will embrace the savage, who will desire to be rescued, and loved like never before. One day I will free my heart, and all will see I am not just a "nice guy". What society expects will not matter, what my heart wants it will pursue with reckless abandon, with a raw, wild, and untamed passion that is not for the faint of heart. And God will smile, and bless me and mine, for He will see my heart will be at last set free...
I think it time for a respite, but I will not seclude myself in my cave. No, it is time to explore creation, to chase after my heart, even if I walk alone, for all too long I've waited for my Beauty to walk with me, too long I sought without finding. Perhaps I seek in the wrong places. Perhaps she waits at the start of my adventure... So adieu, for a while anyway. May you discover your heart and follow its prompting...
2 comments:
Your thoughts, your mind, your words and your passion for life and love for God intrigue me like no other, but I fear coming out of hiding to expose this intrigue for fear of rejection. So, I quietly read and get to know you through the thoughts you share and admire your transparency and desire to not only be transparent to others, but to yourself. Know that your words, your thoughts and your passions have inspired me, captured me, and challenge me to go seek deeper within myself for the things I have allowed lifes choices and pain to hide from myself and others. Inside us all there are hidden longings that desire to be set free it is our choice to loose the chains and unbind that which God created in us. This anonymous response is a beginning for me, but is a huge step in loosing a chain of fear in my life, thank you for inspiring me to do so.
Unbinding Chains
Dear Anonymous,
Sometimes I wonder if I do, or even can, affect my world, or those of others, but then I get a note like yours, or an e-mail from someone who's shared similar experiences, pains, or joys, and it's all suddenly a worthy endeavor again. Thank-you for your straightforward and yet eloquent words of encouragement. Facing fears, facing ourselves is so huge, and yet can be so freeing. You will be in my prayers, for I don't need to know you to know your heart's pain. Thank-you for reading, and even more, for stepping out and writing. God bless.
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