The Pursuit of Love...

I am well past the prime of my life now, and the art of retrospect is becoming more and more appealing. As I look back in my life, at the relationships I've had, I'm overcome with a sense of meloncholoy. For years I have I have sought to love and be loved; not that superficial flush of emotion, that "instant attraction" which is mostly lust based on physical attraction, but true love. Now I know that chemestry is important, for it is often what holds a relationship together while true love has the opportunity to grow, for true love takes time...

But what is true love? I don't think many of my generation or younger really understand what love is, and that is sad, for love is the greatest of all experience. Perhaps I will offend some here, yet that is not my intent, for I can speak only from personal experience and observation... What is love? I Corinthians 13 lists some of it's attributes; it is patient, it is kind, it is not rude, or easily angered, nor does it keep record of wrongs. It always trusts, and protects, and perserveres. What is love? It is the selfless giving of one's heart and soul, the continued effort to lift up and support, no matter how tough the times, being a safe haven for your mate no matter how rough life's storms... Love is total selfless giving. total acceptance of our mate, for who and what they are...

We live in a disposable society, and it even permeates our relationships. First, it became easy and accepted to divorce, "no-fault" divorces were the rage- no blame, just walk away- until over half of all first marriages ended in divorce and over two-thirds of all second marriages... Then we reasoned, why marry if we'll just end up in divorce? Let's just live together. Another step down the road that destroys true love, for it's even easier to walk away for there's even less restraint or reason to stay together. And love slowly dies...

I have been married twice. My first marriage lasted about 13 years, then my wife found affection with a man in my church. It wass her desire to walk away, to be with him, to feel that "attraction", the scream of the hormones, and so she sought a divorce. It didn't matter what it did to me or our three small children, what was important was her desire "to experience love". Of course that relationship didn't work, for the most basic ingredient in a successful relationship is the ability to trust, and if you'll cheat on your spouse once you'll do it again, or if you'll cheat with a married person you lack the basic morals that are needed to be trustworthy... And obviously my wife didn't truly love me, for in the end it was all about her and her desires. Love is not selfish.

My second marriage was several years after my divorce, and in retrospect I was on the the rebound. It was the first relationship since my divorce and I was smitten. Despite warnings from family and friends I remarried after an 18 month courtship. It turned out my second wife was just looking for someone to support her while she finshed school, for when all done she informed me she wasn't interested in being married anymore. For several years I tried while she ran around and lived a life totally oblivious to me or our marriage. Finally I told her that, though I didn't believe in divorce, if she wasn't willing to try I'd seek one. Six days later I came home to an empty house- she'd moved out and stole everything except my children's personal furniture, even though none of it was hers. Packed up lock, stock, and barrel. Evidently she didn't love me either.

Since that day, some 10 plus years ago, I've had the opportunity to get to know three wonderful women in the context of a dating relationship. Yet in each one, no matter how much I gave hoping that the selflessness would be reciprocated, in the end it became about them and their desires. My most recent was my most promising, and most devistating. I loved her, so much, but she violated and damaged the trust in our relationship (though not with another), and for a time we parted. Because I didn't want cause her harm the reason we seperated was not known beyond us, but her family really demagogued me and made me the villian for hurting her. Still, we talked, and I asked for time, for her family situation was changing and my last child was marrying in early June, and I asked to pursue something after that. I thought that, if she loved me as she claimed she would wait, as I was. But she couldn't, or wouldn't, for she moved on, pursuing love via internet dating. Obviously she really didn't love me either, for love is patient...

So what have I learned? It isn't easy to lay one's heart out there, to give in the hopes that it will be reciprocated, it isn't easy having one's heart hurt time and again. I've always believed that it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. But it is not better to have loved if the love is not returned. I think I will learn to live alone, for my heart has loved and the pain of unrequited love is now more than this old man can bear... True love takes time, it takes commitment, it takes effort. I don't think relationships should be a lot of work, but they do sometimes take a lot of effort, which is not necessarily the same as work. True love in a relationship is the most wonderful of all, for each's desire is the happiness and success of the other... And yet, for me, I think true love is a path unfound... It is time to protect my heart...