From broken to broken...

I was out of town, visiting a friend yesterday, spending the afternoon picnicing in the park, then into the early evening, just conversing on a myrid of subjects... It was a good day, and a very nice day, but most importantly it was a reminder to me how important social interaction is... At one point our conversation turned to how I was "relationally challenged", (my viewpoint) and the ensuing discussion, as well as the pleasantness of the interaction gave me pause to reconsider my current socially hermetic existence...
It's funny, but I've studied human relations, I've counseled and written on relationships, I seem to know intellectually what is healthy and what is not, but my past seems to indicate I am a poor student of my own learning... Relationally, I tend to gravitate to "broken" women (or so I've been told), probably with a subconscious desire to repair the brokeness... What I have failed to realize, at least until this past year or so, is that some women (and men) are broken because of their own wants or choices, and repair is not an option until they want to be repaired. I cannot be the "White Knight" unless a white knight is desired or called for...
What I have learned is that someone in a "broken" state, who doesn't necessarily want to be fixed, tends to be a relational user, and even an abuser... My daughter enlightened me recently about how "used" I was in my last several relationships, even calling me a "doormat" in one... My response was that if I want to give, if I choose to be generous, then am I really being used, or is it my choice? But I am wrong, for choice or not, I am being used, and I am actually enabling the user in their destructive behavior. In essence, in my generousity I am actually encouraging relationally destructive behavior...
Now, in reality, if we've lived at all, we can all claim to be broken in some way or another. Personally, I know how flawed I am, and being aware of my faults keeps me humble and helps me deal constructively with them. I certainly can make no claims to knowing all, but I have learned that acknowledging my faults, my weaknesses, doesn't make me weaker, or less of a person. Rather the opposite is true- living in the reality of my weakness allows me to operate from a position of strength. Acknowledging my faults doesn't destroy my self-esteem, it allows me the ability to grow and learn from my weakness, making me inherently stronger in the long run...
Pehaps a socially hermetic existence is ultimately not the best road for me, but for now, at least I'm only guilty of screwing myself up! Food for thought...