Tonight I find myself full of random thoughts, things forgotton, now recalled, comments I've made and been reminded... Tonight is a bit meloncholy, for I am frustrated, and with myself mainly...Today I felt really bad about myself, and that is so rare, that I feel sorry for me, but I found myself wishing I were more of an average guy... For those of you who don't know me well this may sound egotistical, and to you I apologize, for it is not. I happen to be a bit different than "average", and occassionally I think it acts detrimentally in my interactions with others... I am an INFJ personality type, the rarest of the 16 types, (INFJ's make up less than 1% of the population), my IQ exceeds 150 (genius 136-141), and my ability to process is in the top 2% of the population... You do the math, I am a bit of an odd duck. It also makes interpersonal relationships challenging sometimes, for I tend to come across as intense, and don't always allow others to process with me... I thought today, if I were more of an average guy, perhaps my desires would be more average, my expectations lower, my relationships easier. I am difficult to be with. I wish I weren't, but I am. I've come to realize this, and realize it will take someone incredibly patient and special to bear with me... Perhaps it isn't fair to expect that of anyone...
I read somewhere once that a mistake only remains a mistake as long as we indulge it. In other words, we can make a mistake, but once we determine our error, and turn from it, it ceases to be a mistake and can be rectified (possibly)... I don't know, I've thought it was true from the first I read it, but I don't know anymore. I think it can only be recified when it affects only ourselves; once it affects another both parties must desire rectification...
I was reminded today that each emotional high is followed by a low... I wonder if the reverse is true; if so I've got a heck of a day coming...
Emotions are so fickle; they can be both the life blood of a relationship and its death knell... When our emotions are true and accurate they can reveal our heart to another, when like are shared they can bond two together, but when they are inaccurate they can evoke a response or reaction that can destroy a relationship.
There's nothing as quite as powerful as a negative emotion...
Tonight there is pain in my heart,
I don't know why, and to be honest I don't care
I just feel like I'm falling apart
like I'm not going anywhere.
I know that my feelings don't make sense
My mind struggles to regain control
I can't relax, so emotionally tense
As I struggle in this hole.
Who do I turn to, when I'm down, when I'm troubled? Who understands me? Thank God, there is one who knows my heart, and holds me close, even when I don't "feel" it, when my emotions lie to my heart... I think I'll go sequester myself in a cave now...
7 comments:
yeh for honesty. i celebrate your bad day. i sit with you and whine and sulk with you. i believe for you...for brighter days. way to let it all hang out, this imperfect, changeable, movable thing...we call life. that can lead us to despair but also happy-sappy love and that tasty elixir - hope. all the sweeter when we allow ourselves to fully experience the pungent burst of bitter/sorrow/failure. but i agree with you...not to dwell in self pity, a wasteful, nonproductive emotion. keep digging. can you hear the applause? egging you on to keep shooting at the stars. ~n
Hi Nan.
Thanks for your support... You know, occassionally I need those down days just to help me appreciate how good the good days really are. Keep smilin'!
Bud
Please, rejoice in your differences for they make you who you are. That your hopes, dreams and desires might appear lofty to some is not a bad thing...it requires exactly the title of your blogsite though...getting "Outside the Box". We must all have boundaries. Period. However, some boundaries need at times to be revisited in a questioning prose...as in ... are my boundaries hindering me or helping me? If the answer is hindering, then perhaps the edge can be removed.
Mistakes I was told long ago are things from which we should learn...many things come to mind for me personally that I have done ... to do things differently, to have more tolerance, to make better choices, to be more flexible, to listen more and observe, to learn to say "no" when others want me to say "yes" which would only consume or drain some part of me, to know that the best unions are based upon two way giving and nothing short of that.
Have a pleasant evening and light some candles in that cave! Amazingly, when light falls upon a subject, answers come to the surface with greater ease.
C
Ah, the South has risen again, this time with words wise and personal, and even prophetic. Thank-you for sharing your words, your wisdom, but how did you know I'm a candle person?
If I find myself in the cave at this point it is by choice, not of despair, or pity, but for the solitude and reflection... But it's by the light of a Merlot candle, and a lavender melting pot...
Wisdom? I nearly cringe at the use of that word, although I do truly understand your intent and thank you for that. However, are we ever truly wise with so much to learn? Candles was either a lucky guess or a personal insight indefinable by logic but only through a "knowing". Choose the one that makes you feel most comfortable.
~smiles~
Again, you have proven my point precisely, for only a truly wise person recognizes the depths of ignorance we all wallow in... As to the candles, the comfortable thought would be a lucky guess, but smart money would pick "a personal insight indefinable by logic, but only through a knowing"... As always, I thank-you for your comments.
As always you're welcome and it feels nice to be appreciated... thank you!
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