Love is Not Enough...

Well, I'm off my break and back to writing a bit. This past week I took some time off and built a deck. As I have never built a deck before it was an experience. But I'm pleased with the results, and my retired neighbor and my father both gave it a passing grade (actually I think they were impressed, at least a little bit), and I respect their opinions greatly... So now I have a nice place to put the hot tub, and the grill, and to relax...

If I've learned one thing in my relational life it is that Love is not enough. Even if both people are deeply in love with each other it is not enough to sustain and grow a relationship. After listening to many, many people, (both men and women), say after failed relationships, "I know what I want. I won't settle next time. I'd rather be alone than to settle for less than I want/deserve." Well, get ready to be alone. That's what I've learned, for "not settling" is really a negative way of saying you're not willing to compromise, and without compromise love cannot survive a relationship between two flawed and imperfect people. Compromise is the art of learning to give a little in order to get much more. It's negotiating in love. It's telling your partner that meeting their needs or desires is as important to you as you having yours met by them. When done right it is mutually fulfilling; when not practiced it reduces the relationship into a "me-first" mentality and ultimately the relationship dies.

It's amazing how easy it is to cast blame away from ourselves for failed relationships- blame the other for not being what we wanted or expected, yet how willing are we to own our own stubborness or unyielding spirit? It's interesting to listen to both side, both stories of a failed relationship; rarely are they even close to the same, and when shared together are often laced with accusatory and inflamatory rebuttals, like, "That's a lie!", or, "I didn't do that!" We tend to recognize our mate's failings with ease, yet refuse to acknowledge their criticisms as having any validity at all... And so we pack our shortcomings away and haul them along with us into our next relationship, to be opened and aired in our next confrontation... And the cycle begins again...

If we are to expect success, if we want relational conformity to our desires, we must be willing to give ourselves, to negotiate, to compromise, or failure is emminent yet again. Success comes from our expression that our mate's needs are important to us, and we are willing to move off our position to meet them, just as our mate also expresses their desire to meet our needs. This isn't "settling", it is learning to be flexible and pliable within the context of a relationship. If both people have the same bottom line- the relationship is important and our desire is to be together- then it is easier to move off our position to a middle ground, for our ultimate desire is to be together, and to be happy together... And that's the key: Mutual compromise = togetherness.