Roses...

I love roses. I grow roses. I think they appeal to me because they are so tantalizing to the senses. They look beautiful to the eye, they are so aromatic to my sense of smell, and their petals are so velvety soft to the touch. But roses need care, they need attention. I have to treat them correctly or they will be assulted by outside forces (pests/bugs), If I don't nourish them properly they'll wilt, and lose their beauty, if I mishandle them they can bruise or break and I also can get hurt, torn on the thorns...

Roses are a lot like relationships, aren't they? You pretty much get out of them as much as you're willing to invest. So if you have a relationship that isn't very appealing right now maybe you need to do some "gardening" before it wilts or dies. After all, you can't expect blooms without some labor of love...

Love is a lot like roses, come to think of it. It's no wonder I like roses...

Conflict Resolution...

When the relationship starts to cloud up and get stormy... It seems a number of recent posts have had a relational tone to them, and indeed, healthy relationships are an ideal dear to my heart, so I thought I'd just recap some of my recent thoughts by putting down some questions that may help put conflict into a different perspective for us... I'm not naive enough to believe that couples would actually stop and ask themselves(or each other) these questions during the heat of the moment, but when the emotion subsides perhaps these thoughts will come to mind and help aid in the resolution of the problem.. There are certainly other options, other approaches, to conflict resolution; the following is just food for thought, to perhaps allow us to consider the conflict, and possible solutions, more objectively...

When a disagreement occurs and resolution is necessary perhaps these questions can be asked, and issues addressed…
1. What specifically is the problem? (Not the symptom, but the root problem)
2. What do you want me to do to resolve it?
3. What do I want you to do to resolve it?
4. If I were on the other side of this dispute would I consider my request fair?
5. What is more important in the long run, my hurt or anger, or our relationship?
6. If I committed this wrong would I want forgiveness, and, if so, am I willing to extend it now?
7. Am I willing to sacrifice “our time” together to remain in conflict?

Clearly communicating better is key to conflict resolution. It seems paramount that we figure out a way to more accurately communicate with the health of the relationship as our highest priority.

Possible ways of dealing with delicate issues:
1. Never discuss emotionally. Get emotions under control before discussing, even if you need to leave the immediate area for a while, with the clear understanding that we will address the issue at a specific time. Don’t leave with the unresolved issue hanging in limbo.
2. Start the discussion with prayer. Ask that God be the unseen mediator in the discussion.
3.Discuss in a mutually agreeable place, but with an element of privacy.
4. Remind each other of their importance to you despite the disagreement, and your desire to restore the harmony of the relationship. After God, we should be each other’s priority.
5. If your partner just isn’t willing to meet you half way, prepare yourself to go all the way to do whatever is necessary for restoration, for some time you may need him/her to go the extra distance for you.

Attitude is choice...

My daughter came into my office over a year ago now, and wrote a little note along the side of my whiteboard. It read, "A bad day doesn't exist without your letting it." (she looks every time she comes in to see if it's still there!). But the truth is, she's absolutely right. There isn't one situation, one day, one encounter in life that doesn't come down to a choice that we, as individuals, make, and control. We can control our attitude, we can ultimately control whether we are happy, or sad, or angry, or content... Yet all to often we just give up that control, we allow others, or circumstances, or unwanted emotions to control us and the quality of our lives. Every day we choose to wake up in a good mood or bad, often subconsciously, for the habit is ingrained from years of not making conscious choices; each situation, each encounter we choose our reaction. John Ortberg once taught that there is a quarter-second of realized thought before we react, in any situation. He called it "our life changing quarter-second", for we all have the opportunity to change that instinctive, ingrained negative response before actually responding... We can choose to be negative, or look for the positive side, we can be angry, or choose to smile, we can control our attitude. If we make a conscious effort to be aware of our reactions before actually reacting then it becomes a choice, an exercise of personal discipline, and something we now control instead of being controlled by life, and our attitudes or emotions... We can raise our standard of life by reducing or removing the negativism of our attitudes... Ultimately, life is choice, and we control our choices, either consciously or sub-consciously, either good or bad. If you aren't happy where you are right now then you have the power to change it, for you can choose a different course, a different path, a different response. The only thing in life we can control or hope to change is ourselves. We can't always control others or situations in life; we can only control our attitude and reactions to them.

Entitlement...

I think that each generation has desired to leave their children a little better off than they were, yet I believe this has also bred a sense of entitlement within each new generation that has grown and pervaded our society until it has become a disease of epidemic proportion among adults and children alike. The “what’s in it for me” mindset is a deadly assassin to relationships, spelling swift and often undetected failure. We are left wondering what happened, why the other didn’t try harder… Rarely do we consider our attitude as the culprit. The idea of a relationship, or a marriage as being equal, as being a 50-50 proposition, is a fallacy of a selfish generation that society has eagerly bought into.

There’s rarely anything equal in a relationship, for to be constantly equal two people would have to always be exactly at the same place emotionally, physically, socially, philosophically, and spiritually, and that just doesn’t happen. Rather, within the context of a relationship, couples should strive for a 100-100% ratio, so when one falls short the other is there to pick up that slack. The goal should be selflessness, not selfishness, for then, and only then will we find fulfillment within a relationship. So how does that work?

A relationship, by definition, means, “working together or as being of the same kind.” It means we must be willing to give in order to get, yet without the idea that the only reason I give is for you to give to me. The focus must be on our partner, not ourselves, if we want to be truly successful. And for a relationship to work, both must share the same focus, the same desires, the same relational goals, or ultimately one ends up giving and the other taking, the selfless and the selfish, and the relationship dies. Three elements are essential in any successful relationship, and it is amazing how often one or more is missing. They are honesty, trust, and communication.
Honesty is the cornerstone on which trust is built. Trust is making ourselves vulnerable to another, and their ability to place our vulnerability above their own interests. If one violates our trust, or we find that they haven’t been honest with us, the relationship is damaged, often beyond recovery. Trust can be rebuilt however, but not without sufficient grace and forgiveness from the damaged party. Forgiveness is merely our giving up our right to get even for a wrong done to us, and grace is unmerited mercy, kindness, and/or forgiveness. If we care enough for the welfare of the other, more than for ourselves, then reconciliation and reconstruction of trust is not only possible, but also a very viable option. If our attitude focuses on the damage done to “me” and the pain I feel, and my desire to return the hurt, the relationship is in serious trouble.

Communication is most often the missing, or misunderstood, essential element, for a selfish attitude doesn’t care to learn to effectively communicate. Communication is not telling your mate what you want, or yelling, or demanding, or crying… Communication is the art of listening and sharing. Too often couples try to communicate during times of emotion, but one cannot effectively deal with an issue with anger, hurt, or emotion present. You must deal with the emotion first, then, when things are calm, discuss the issue. When anger, hurt, etc are present the ability to discuss logically is seriously impaired. It is perfectly acceptable to take some time out, to go for walk, etc, when emotions are running high and compromising effective communication.

It is perfectly fine to share what we want, and indeed that is essential in communicating, but we must listen also, to the needs and desires of our mate to effectively communicate. If both parties desire to meet the needs of the other then each person’s own needs will be met, selflessly, by their partner.

Look at the marital relational example we’re given in Ephesians 5. First, in v 21, we are exhorted to “submit” to one another… Next, in v 22, wives are instructed to “submit” to their husbands, yet the word “submit” in v 22 doesn’t exist in the original text, but was added to “allow better translation” by biblical scholars. So what then are we told in these verses? We are instructed to, “Submit to one another out of reverence to the Lord, and wives to their husbands.” This would be a more accurate reading. Also the word submit does not mean subjugate yourself, but rather to get under, and lift up, to support each other, and wives support your husband. Yet both are exhorted to support the other. The role of the husband is even more sacrificial toward the wife, for in v 25 he is exhorted to “love his wife as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her.” A husband should be willing to give up everything, including his life, for the sake of his wife, the woman he loves. Do we see this modeled today? Rarely it seems, or divorce, infidelity, separations, marriage counseling would not be so prevalent. Imagine, knowing your wife will unconditionally support you, or your husband would die for you, because you are the most important person on this earth to him. Wow. Giving of our self to find self-fulfillment. What a radical concept in today’s “Me” generation

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The Other Brother...

Most of us have some familiarity with the story of the prodical son, as recorded in Luke, chapter 15. What is often lost in the telling is the reaction of the older brother. In a nut-shell, the story goes like this: The younger son of a wealthy man comes to his father and demands his inheritance. The father gives it to him, and he goes to a far off country and blows it all on wild living. After it's all spent the young man finds himself destitute, and eating the slop he's supposed to be feeding pigs. He realizes his father's servants are treated better and resolves to go home and ask his father to take him on as a servant. While still far off the father spots the son and runs out to meet him. He greets him as a son, and orders the fatted calf killed and a party to welcome home his lost son...
. Interesting to the story are several social mores that were violated, when understanding the culture of the day. As an aside I'll briefly mention several. First, to ask for an inheritance while your father still lived was the gravest of insults to the father. It was more of an act of disowning when the inheritance was given. The thought of returning as a son was not an option, hence the thought process of the son to ask for a job as a servant. Another taboo was for a man of wealth, of importance, to ever run. The more important, the more dignified, the slower he walked. Yet this father saw his son and threw social mores to the wind and ran to embrace and welcome his son home. That Jesus included these in this parable is important to understanding the Father's love and forgiveness toward us...
. But there's more to this story. Luke tells us that when the older brother heard the music, and saw the partying, and learned the reason why he became angry and refused to join in. There's a scene recorded where the father pleads with his son to join in, but the son lists his objections; he has been faithful, he has been loyal, he has honored the father, he has "slaved" for years, yet never has the father honored him with a party like he's doing with the disobedient son who squandered all on prostitutes and wild living. It's interesting that the father's words are an example of undeserved love and forgiveness, and yet no where does the story indicate the older brother relented in his anger. Why?
. It stands to reason that the older brother realized what the return of the younger brother meant. After he left all that remained became the inheritance of the older brother- the present wealth and future earnings as well. The return of his brother, with status as a son, endangered all that. The older brother didn't just display anger, but also greed, envy, indignance, judgementalism, and disrespect...
. We know the father in the story represents God the Father, and the prodical son the sinner who realizes the folly of his way and repents, but who is the older son? I think it's those who fool themselves into believing that they can live "good enough" lives on their own, those who think if their good deeds outweigh the bad they'll be all right. Like the older son, they live in awareness of the Father without ever really experiencing true relationship with him, aware of a better life but not sure how to tap into it. They are truly the "lost"son...

Religion...

The beauty of opinion is we all have one, on most subjects anyway, and usually we aren't afraid to share it. Sometimes they're based on fact, sometimes on inistnct, sometimes on misinformation, but they are almost always present... This particular blog is my opinion, right or wrong, concerning "religion".
.. I am afraid of becoming religious, for I think it is dangerous and dibilitating to a Christ-follower... I don't think Jesus Christ was religious at all; in fact, he found his greatest opposition from the "religious leaders" of his day- the Pharisees and Sadduccess. They defined their religion well; it was a set of rules that they lived by, in essence, the legalistic "do's and don'ts" that still permeates so much of organized religion today. It was a strict adhehrence to their rules, their legalism, with consequences for failure to follow. Time after time Jesus violated their rules, whether eating, or healing, or traveling when it was forbidden- whatever the violation to their "rules" we can be sure that it wasn't a violation of God's law, for His son was perfect...
.. So why were rules so important then, and still today? I believe it stems from spiritual pride, and out of that pride comes a desire to be able to "measure" how good we are. The more rules we follow, the more obedient to our "religion" the higher our standing- in the eyes of men. Jesus taught the greatest is the one with the servant's heart, the one who does in secret rather than public, one who is willing to give out of their need and not their plenty... Christianity is a condition of the heart- the "Kingdom amoung us" that Jesus speaks about in Matthew 5 flows from within, not from our external acts. The recognition comes from God, and not man. This is not very desireable for most, for we live in the temporal, and the eternal rarely occupies our thinking, yet that is where we should seek to store up our treasure, for it is where we will spend the overwhelming amount of our time...
.. If Jesus were to return today, and walk the earth as he did some 2000 years ago, I would be highly surprised to find him in our churches today. I believe we would find him at concerts, or arenas, sports bars, shopping malls- anywhere that people congregate and have a need for him. I believe he wants his followers to walk the same. The church should function as an equipper, training it's members and equipping them with whatever they may need, then sending them out into the world. How many churches today struggle to get people in, when they should be sending them out? I think it's a symptom of being too religious and not being Christ-like enough. The desire is to "hold on" to their people and not lose them to another...
.. So how does this effect me? I tend to be a bit of a rebel, even as I serve in my own church (which is a very progressive, Acts 2 model church). We have a few guidelines that (and I understand the rationale for them) the church has in place, that I question how my adherence to (or not) will effect my serving, so at this time I don't follow them. It becomes the choice of the church to include me or not, to allow me to serve or not. I know, from past experience, not adhering to these rules would have significantly restricted my serving opportunities in several of the past churches I attended. Man's rules interfere with God's mandate. That is religion, and that is wrong. Man looks at the outside, God looks at the heart. We need to look at the intent, at the heart.
.. I believe we are called to be in tune spiritually, to strive to become more Christ-like. I used to believe my Christianity wasn't my religion, it was my lifestyle. Technically, I now think that's wrong. Choosing Christianity as a "lifestyle" could be construed in the same light as following the do's and don'ts of a religion. Our goal should not be choosing a lifestyle, it should be choosing to know Jesus Christ as intimately as possible, and out of our personal relationship with him adopting his teachings as our own. If we do this the outflowing of our life will naturally be Christ-like...

The Bottom Line...

If life teaches anything, it is that, more than we care to admit, we are driven by our emotions. Too often we make decisions, or react, during the passion of the emotion, without regard or proper thought to the consequence of our reactions. We speak quickly, or harshly, and then, when the passion of the moment diminishes, we regret... My grandmother used to say a little ditty that has stayed with me since childhood:

"A word is dead when said, some say. I say, it just begins to live that day."

So how do we combat these emotions that drive us, how do we deal with the passions of anger, of hurt, disrespect, envy, or hurt pride? When we are faced with these negative emotions (among others), especially in the context of relationships, how do we deal constructively with them, how do we minimize their destructiveness? How do we eliminate that "I wish I could say/do that over!" syndrome?

I think that perhaps the healthiest approach is to constantly remind ourselves of what our bottom line really is. Especially, in the light of relationships from casual to intimate, we can find personal resolution without the need to control the whole equation. It isn't healthy to try to change others; indeed, we can only hope to have some measure of success in changing ourselves, for that is really all we ultimately control. (And often, trying to change our behavior seems more daunting a task than attempting to change another). So how can we modify our responses to emotion?

As we are faced with negative emotion we must learn to ask ourselves, "What is my bottom line in this relationship?" Awareness of our bottom line is the important first step. Then we need to realize where we are in relation to where we want to be. Our second question to ourselves must be,"How do I get from where I am to where I want to be?" This can be difficult, for our emotions rarely are in sync with our desires (when not under emotional duress). Last, we must ask ourselves, "Is my response going to move me closer or farther from my bottom line?" If our bottom line is important to us then we will learn self-discipline in our responses and reactions.

It is a beautiful relationship that has two people with awareness of the same bottom line, with the same desire, for, when faced with conflict they can remind each other of what is important, and then work toward it's attainment together. By sharing a common goal, the same bottom line, even in the midst of conflict, they remain on the same side, for they share the same ultimate desire. Conflict doesn't remain long in such a relationship, for it needs two "sides" to florish.