A Call to Different!

Today is a good day, for I have come to several "realizations"...
The first realization came as I was thinking through this whole process that I've written about lately, about personally not wanting to be thought of as "religious" or the stigma that the term "christian" has been aquiring... I came to realize that, all too often "christians" come off as superior, or put themselves above others... Often very judgemental or hypocritical... As Christ-followers we are not supperior, we are not called to be "better", but to be "different". We are called to live with a different perspective, an eternal one, and not be anxious about those things this life throws at us, about what we have or don't have, about our wants and needs... We are to be anxious for nothing... Our perspective is different, not superior. I know I'm certainly no better than the next guy, for we are all made from the same material. But I know only I can own my story, only I can take what has been entrusted to me and develop it... If I learn to be loving, or compassionate, or hospitable, or giving, that doesn't make me better than others in this world- just different. I need to own what's been entrusted to me; I need to steward my personal resources to the best of my abilities. That doesn't make me superior, I just have a different perspective, so I focus my energies differently. Not better, just different.
The other realization I came to is that if I properly learn to renew my mind, if my internal focus is correct, then that which happens externally is just no big deal. I've written that we seek to stay busy because we fear facing ourselves, our minds... Yet when we learn to do just that we can learn some awesome truths... If we can learn to live in awareness of our minds, and learn to renew them, then what happens to our bodies just doesn't matter, for we are free in our minds. The mind is what sets us apart from other creation, and it is the mind that we still fear the most. It is why solitary confinment is so effective as a means of punishment- we are alone with our mind, and facing ourselves scares us to death! And yet, we are the only ones who can hold our minds captive, for we we have the ability to control and renew our minds to whatever pattern we need to in order to deal with life... But learning to be free in our minds completely revamps our perspective... Those areas of stress and anxiety are suddenly no big deal! The perspective of the renewed mind is, that no matter what happens to me in this life it cannot seperate me from the love of my Heavenly Father, for I am a treasured child of the Most High God!

Identity...

I am an athlete, still agile and strong,
I revel in sports, in action, in play
I love to live life all the day long
But that's not my identity I'd have to say.

I'm a good son, and father and brother,
My loved ones would say I'm a good family man.
I respect my siblings, my father, and mother
But that's not who I am in the overall plan.

I'm compassionate, generous, and support to the end
If there's a need then I'm a call away
I have many people who say I'm their friend
But that's my identity on any given day.

Success in business has come easily to me
My peers say I am honest and straight
Acumulation of things has been easy to see
But that's not who I am, that is no debate.

So who am I, if I am none of these things?
What belonging does my heart prod?
Where does my true identity lie?
I'm a Treasured Child of the Most High God.

Silence...

In the car the radio's jamming, at home we live to the TV's blare

Stereos,Walkmen, iPods, as long as there's noise we don't really care.

What is there about silence that terribly frightens us so

Being alone with our thoughts, of who we are or what we may know.

Facing the truth that we're disappointed of the person that's living inside

Makes us build walls of noise and distraction, a shelter in which we hide.

But God has a way of removing all the busyness that blinds our eyes

And making us face our reality, stripping away our excuses and lies.

And when we are finally faced with our inadaquacies and fear

In the depths of our solitude we find our Heavenly Father is near.

This is time to admit, so freely to Him, that we fail

And this is His time to love us, and allow his strength to prevail.

We find that we don't have the answers to those questions deep in our mind

About why we're here on this earth, or what we're expected to find.

We're faced without knowing the meaning of the emptiness of our heart

To dwell on these things without resource is enough to tear us apart.

But to all those who choose to seek Him, and trust Him to answer their plea

To them he's given the promise that through His eternal vision they'll see.

Buried Treasure...

Last night my daughter came home and began questioning me on my life (specifically, my love life. A bit of role reversal, but we're close, and we talk...). I told her I was content to wait on God to bring whoever he wanted in my life in his time. Her response was pretty profound, (or so I thought). She said, "Daddy, bury yourself in the heart of God, so whoever she is will have to seek Him to find you."
Wow. That was even deep for me. But the truth of her words have rung in my heart since she uttered them so sweetly and innocently to me last night. Bury myself in the heart of God. I think of David, who wrote so any laments, so many songs of anguish, and yet repeatedly writes of finding his shelter in the Most High... Kind of like burying himself in the heart of God... Under the shelter of His wings (Ps 61:4), In the shelter of his tabernacle (Ps 27:5), The shelter of His presence (Ps 31:20), but always in Him, buried deep, and safe, despite life's tumult...
I sometimes wonder why it is so easy to lose focus, to get caught up in the temperal worries of this world, this life, and then I realized, it is because we are emotional creatures. When God desired community, when he created man and wanted man to freely choose him, to freely love him he made us emotional. Yet, because of sin, the very thing that allows us to feel, to love, to experience the greatest joy of joys now is the greatest detractor to maintaining our focus on God and community with him. Emotion, specifically negative emotions, detract us. Fear, worry, anxiety, anger, lust, misplaced desire... We worry about what happened yesterday, what is happening today, what tomorrow will bring; we are afraid of losing what we have, not having enough, how to make ends meet, we're anxious about everything, angry at others, relationships, friends, co-workers, family... We want what we don't have, we want things we know is wrong, we lose focus...
And yet God is clear; "Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matt 6:28-34 (NIV)

Bury myself in God's heart, let him supply all my needs, and wants, and desires as he's promised, and rid myself of worry, and stress, and learn to be content in my circumstances, for God is in control... I think I'll start digging a little deeper, burying myself... You know where to find me...
(PS. The picture is of my daughter and I... I always was a sucker...)

Ownership...

This morning my thoughts are on ownership. Not those things I own, but on those things that may own me. Those are the dangerous things in my life, for they control, and whoever or whatever has control is the one that determines my direction... Let's face it, direction is everything in life. To live is to move, but if the direction is wrong, we waste time and effort, for we find ourselves having to retrace our steps, to change our direction...

This morning I was reading in Mark, chapter 10, about the rich young man who approached Jesus and asked about how he could receive eternal life. He kept the laws, led a good life, really tried to be a good and moral man. The passage says, "Jesus looked at him and loved him." then he told him to sell everything he had, give to the poor, then follow him. And the man went away sad, for he was very wealthy.

Jesus didn't tell the man to sell everything out of spite, or as an object lesson, he loved the man. He looked into his heart, and saw the thing that owned the young man, and said, "Give it up for me, and you will have treasure in heaven". But the young man left, for his wealth owned him. Things own us too. It doesn't have to be money, it can be anything that obsesses us to the point of distraction from him. It could be an addiction; drugs, sex, pornography, food, television, working out... Whatever we aren't willing to part with is exactly what is asked of us...

The sad thing in the story of the rich young man is that he knew the laws and promises of God. He would have been familiar with God's word in Malachi 3:10- "Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse so there will be food in my house. 'Test me in this', says the Lord God Almighty, 'and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room for it.'" The very thing that he refused to give up God wanted to overwhelm him with if he would do it. God asks us to give up those things that own us as an act of obedience, and often returns to us in a good and pure manner the desires of our heart that we sought to fill in our own covoluted way...

I think that one thing many tend to hold on to, that really owns a lot of people, is their time. We all have the same amount of time alloted each day, and yet it seems that life eats up some people's time completely, while others have time to spare; the difference is whether you own your time, or it owns you... Food for thought...

Friendships...

There's a premium today on good friendships, for the more mobile we become as a society the less likely we are to develop and maintain good and healthy friendships... I think we can catagorize our interpersonal relationships into three camps, all three are often thought of as "friendships"...

The first are those relationships in which we nurture another person. We feed them, intellectually, emotionally, and they take their support from us. These are our ministry, if you will.

The second are those relationships where we get fed, where we have someone to turn to in time of crisis, like a mentor. We are their ministry...

The last are those relationships that we feed each other, where there is a mutual benefit in the relationship. These are the true friendships, for they are edifying to each other; they fill our emotional tank even as we fill theirs. These are the most important to seek, and develop, and yet they are the hardest to maintain, for, like a relationship, a good friendship may take work to keep healthy, to properly develop, and work takes time, and time seems to be a luxury that all too few can afford now days. We are too busy doing life to slow down and enjoy life, and to develop good friendships...

Jesus taught multitudes, he touched many lives, but he had 12 friends, and even more telling, only 3 were with him when he was transfigured on the Mount. Three close friends; twelve good friends, and multitudes of people he ministered to... We need all three types of interpersonal relationships in our lives, but we really need friends...

On a personal note: Today is the first official day of Spring. We know this, because the plow came off the Explorer and went into storage until next winter... I look forward to that first sign that summer is officially here; the Explorer sports a canoe on top!

Cave writings...

As I closed my last blog I said I was going to sequester myself in my cave... Well, after a time of loathing, and self-pity I came to realize how dark that cave was. In fact, it was so dark I could no longer see me, and that's when I realized that was the problem. My eyes, my focus was on me. So the pity party ended, and I re-established my connection and my focus. My heart's desire is two-fold. My life's credo is simple: Love God, and love people. No more, no less. I do have other desires in my heart, and truly believe God when he says, "Delight yourself in Me, and I will give you the desires of your heart." (Ps 37:4) He's given me some of those desires, and to be perfectly honest, I've mishandled some and lost them. But he knows my heart, and in his infinite grace and mercy I can only trust that he will restore or replace those desires... So I let them go, and place my trust where he wants it...

I receive compliments about my blog, my writing, and I am truly grateful that it is appreciated, but in the stark light of day I know that I don't have answers, that much of what I write, that is laid upon my heart comes from common sense things most all of us know, but sometimes just haven't brought it into focus. Perhaps I'm like a magnifying glass, allowing people to see a little clearer what they already know, and for that I don't deserve praise. Solomon said that there's nothing new under the sun, and I have to agree with him. Too often we think something is fresh, and new, and exciting, only because we don't know what's gone on before, we are ignorant and blissfully happy as a result. But the more we learn, the more we expand the parameters of our knowledge, the more we see the tracks of others who've gone on before... A few more thoughts, from the cave, and then I'm done...

Today dating has become a lost art. Where once romance had the opportunity to grow, and blossom, and bear fruit, today it is squeezed into a crash course, a time-sensitive, non-commital, "make a mistake and your out" scenerio... Once, before the intenet, and cell phones, text messages, IMs, we had to wait, we had to learn patience, we learned to savor... Today, it's instant gratification, and if it's not met then it's "too bad, we tried", and on to the next. We set up ourselves up for failure, and disappointment. And those of us who have been burned in the past make the possibility of success even more remote, for we decide we are not going to compromise this time, or "settle" (I hate that word) for less than we deserve. The focus is all on "me", and that is a receipe for failure.
Relationships are all about compromise, not from one person, but both sides. It's the art of negotiation tempered with love. It's being willing to sometimes "settle" for a little less in order to get so much more (and for those of you who refuse to "settle" for someone you might like but is not up to your "standards", be really grateful God doesn't have that attitude toward you. Here's a bulletin being passed around heaven about you- your sh** stinks just like everyone else's...) (Actually, my name was on that bulletin, but I intercepted it and scratched it out and out your name in there. Sorry).

Too often we think compromise means giving in, but have you ever really looked at the word? It's made of two parts, "com" and "promise". "Com" means with, or together, or jointly, and "promise" is a declaration or reason to expect performance, especially with the expectation of success, improvement, or excellence. So putting it all together, compromise means to jointly promise to perform in a manner that promotes success, improvement, or excellence. I think that definition is much more palatable than "to make concessions", as Webster's defines it... I know I fall far short relationally, (or I'd be in a great relationship right now!), and although a patient man in many areas of my life, I am impatient relationally. Perhaps I need to step back, and learn more, before putting myself out there... I don't know, but it's food for thought...

I'm only human...

Tonight I find myself full of random thoughts, things forgotton, now recalled, comments I've made and been reminded... Tonight is a bit meloncholy, for I am frustrated, and with myself mainly...

Today I felt really bad about myself, and that is so rare, that I feel sorry for me, but I found myself wishing I were more of an average guy... For those of you who don't know me well this may sound egotistical, and to you I apologize, for it is not. I happen to be a bit different than "average", and occassionally I think it acts detrimentally in my interactions with others... I am an INFJ personality type, the rarest of the 16 types, (INFJ's make up less than 1% of the population), my IQ exceeds 150 (genius 136-141), and my ability to process is in the top 2% of the population... You do the math, I am a bit of an odd duck. It also makes interpersonal relationships challenging sometimes, for I tend to come across as intense, and don't always allow others to process with me... I thought today, if I were more of an average guy, perhaps my desires would be more average, my expectations lower, my relationships easier. I am difficult to be with. I wish I weren't, but I am. I've come to realize this, and realize it will take someone incredibly patient and special to bear with me... Perhaps it isn't fair to expect that of anyone...

I read somewhere once that a mistake only remains a mistake as long as we indulge it. In other words, we can make a mistake, but once we determine our error, and turn from it, it ceases to be a mistake and can be rectified (possibly)... I don't know, I've thought it was true from the first I read it, but I don't know anymore. I think it can only be recified when it affects only ourselves; once it affects another both parties must desire rectification...

I was reminded today that each emotional high is followed by a low... I wonder if the reverse is true; if so I've got a heck of a day coming...

Emotions are so fickle; they can be both the life blood of a relationship and its death knell... When our emotions are true and accurate they can reveal our heart to another, when like are shared they can bond two together, but when they are inaccurate they can evoke a response or reaction that can destroy a relationship.

There's nothing as quite as powerful as a negative emotion...

Tonight there is pain in my heart,

I don't know why, and to be honest I don't care

I just feel like I'm falling apart

like I'm not going anywhere.

I know that my feelings don't make sense

My mind struggles to regain control

I can't relax, so emotionally tense

As I struggle in this hole.

Who do I turn to, when I'm down, when I'm troubled? Who understands me? Thank God, there is one who knows my heart, and holds me close, even when I don't "feel" it, when my emotions lie to my heart... I think I'll go sequester myself in a cave now...

My Tapestry...

Stretched across the Maker's loom
wove by his hand, pared by his knife
A work of wonder since the womb
This is the tapestry of my life.
The design, so flawless and pure
While his hand controlled the weave
But time passed by and I was sure
I could, so I took his leave.
When I sought to weave my way
And control my own design
My tapestry began to fray
And I wanted to resign.
And so I asked him back once more
To weave my life again
And he came thro' my heart's open'd door
Removed the scars, forgave my sin.
Now closely looking at the loom
And the tapestry that's there
You can see the marks of the empty tomb
For he met me there.

Be Still...

In 1082 the Prince of Gurgan, Kai Ka'us ibn-Iskander, wrote a book called "The Qabas Nama", a book of advice to his son, on life as a prince and a man. In one passage he wrote, "Ever be aware of your enemy's activities, secret or otherwise, never feel secure against his treachery against you..." In 1044 the great Chinese leader Tseng Kung-liang wrote, in his book "Wu Ching Tsung Yao" (translated: A Compendium of Military Art) stated that if a man could learn to concentrate on a single subject for three minutes he could rule the world.

What tremendous truths for us even today, for truth transcends the ages.

There's another truth that transcends the ages, and, like the two truths above, we seldom follow, or even take time to learn. It is found in Psalms 46, verse 10. It says simply, "Be still, and know that I am God." Be still; the art of learning to stop. It's learning to pay attention. It's learning to concentrate. Once we learn how to slow down, to stop our hectic pace, then we are finally in a position to know God. We all search for inner peace, we all desire to find meaning, we all long for fulfillment, but it will never be found in the busyness of life. Yet to slow down means to face ourselves, and that can be more frightening than no answers at all. For to face ourselves, and come to the realization that we have no answers, leaves us vulnerable to the pain of the emptiness inside.

Yet to slow down also means we have an opportunity to meet God. God doesn't present himself to us in the blatent, or the obvious. A perfect example is found in I Kings 19, when the prophet Elijah experienced the presence of the Lord passing by. First came a great, roaring wind, but God wasn't in the wind. Next came an earthquake, but God wasn't in the quake. The quake was followed by fire, but God wasn't in the fire. And then, a gentle whisper, and Elijah knew he was in the presence of God. It is possible to experience mighty winds, or earthquakes, or fire while we are busy with life, but to catch a whisper we must slow down, we must stop, we must be still. It is in that time that we most fear, that time we are vulnerable to our inadequacies, that we can turn our eyes from ourselves and see God.

As Kai Ka'us wrote, we need to be ever aware of our enemy, for our enemy is ever aware of us. One weapon of choice of our enemy is busyness. Someone once told me that if the devil can't make us bad he'll make us busy. If he can keep our focus off God he wins. There's nothing so pleasing to him as a people too busy, to afraid (of ourselves!?) to slow down... "Be still, and know that I am God."

Vulnerability...

Sometimes I wonder if a broken heart can ever heal
from those pains and heartaches of days gone by.
For a thought or memory can suddenly make me feel
the stab of betrayal, or the hurt of past lies.

Do I seek shelter in the midst of the emotional squall
Withdrawing behind walls built to shore up my heart
Or do I choose to step out and answer life's call
And take the chance that life won't tear me apart.

If I withdraw behind the walls I may as well surrender
For my heart has been laid siege by the pain of my past
Which seeks to destroy and lay future hope asunder
What hope can hope to stand against such pain that lasts?

And yet there is a hope that can vanquish such a pain
and send it deep into the miry depths of futility
And with that hope we can live and love again
And what do I call this hope? It's name is Vulnerability.

Make me a moon...

This morning, as I was having a personal devontion time, again I was impressed by the description the Bible has of God. The simpliest, purest, definition of God is found in I John 4:16- "...God is love." Imagine that. God's very essence, his entire make-up is love. We often think of God as some celestial being sitting somewhere up in the heavens pulling strings or causing things to happen here on earth. The reality is that God doesn't ever manipulate, he doesn't ever force his will, he doesn't ever "cause" against our free will. Instead, he's here, always all around us, perfect in love, perfect in forgiveness, perfect in justice, but perfect in mercy... If we accept the Scriptures as holy and true then we know that we cannot look upon God in his perfection and live (see Exodus 33: 18-23). It's like trying to look into the sun, (only many times brighter) and burning out our eyes because the glory is too great. But we can still experience the sun, for it is all around us, giving light and warmth. We are aware of it without having to look upon it. Likewise, at night, when the sun is not directly upon us, we still see and benefit from it, for the moon is a pale reflection of the glory of the sun. It has no source power of its own, outside of the sun's reflection, but in our night it is the brightest of all the heavenly bodies... God's love is like sunshine; even if we can't look upon it we can feel it, we can experience it, we can know its always there...

I pray that when I am gone from this earth people don't think of me as a good man, or a prayer warrior, or even a godly man; I pray that the impression I leave behind is that I reflected God's love to those in my world... Lord make me your moon...

Do the strong cry?

I'm amazed at how capable people are when it comes to communicating with others, or about others, but become inept and closed down when faced with dealing with their own emotions or feelings. Communication is so essential to any successful relationship, and yet if we can't even recognize and acknowledge our own feelings how can we hope to ever share with another? I feel sorry for those who refuse to recognize or deal with (negative) emotions, who push them back, or cover them up with false gayiety. People who always "need" to be up, who don't know how to cry, are emotional time bombs waiting to explode. Emotional release is mandatory for a healthy emotional life. Learning to suppress crying, because it is a sign of weakness, is a fallacy and incredibly detrimental to a positive and healthy emotional life, which, in itself, is the major foundation for effective communication. The ability to release emotions allows the ability to understand and share with another in their time of emotional duress, and builds a base for meaningful communication...

The emotionally strongest man to ever live, the greatest of all commnicators, often cried, and often in response to the condition of others. Tears of empathy. And tears of sorrow. But tears... John 11:35- "Jesus wept."

My Muse... Where art thou?

There are many things that you inspire
But most of all, I think, desire
For those things you had back in your past,
That now are gone, that did not last.
True love, so pure, that filled your heart,
And that you hoped would never part,
The honesty that bound you tight
With that one you knew was right.
But most of all to regain that trust
With a man who is strong and just.

These are the things that I desire
To give to you, that you inspire.
Yet I can't give if you won't recieve,
Because for me to give you must believe
That my heart is pure, my motive true,
And that I only want the best for you.
To hold your heart with tender care,
and give you certainty that I'll be there
Whether times of joy, or facing trials,
I'll raise your spirits, I'll bring you smiles.

Yet with all the happiness I long to bring,
Or how much I want your heart to sing,
It will not happen, it cannot be
If you choose not to commit to me.
For as much as I want your kiss, your touch,
There is something else I want as much.
It's for you to hear that inner voice
That says I am your only choice.
That other options will no longer be
For your desire is to walk with me.

Far from perfect, I'm flawed and scarred
Sometimes insensitive, sometimes hard.
But there is a gift learned from above,
I know what it means to really love.
Now in my life there's something new,
It's that desire to love just you.
And yet again, I cannot give
Until you decide you want to live
Within my love, and further, yet,
Return my love with no regret.

Smell the Roses...

In past blogs I've touched on our tendency to avoid life through busyness ("Limited Perspective" 12-2-06, "Our Journey" 10-25-06) but it remains an issue for so many today. We all have an inborn need for meaning in our lives, a desire to know "why" we are, and too often we don't have answers to adequately satisfy those questions. Nor do we know where to look for answers. We all have a hole in our heart, an emptiness we fear that we cannot subdue, so we learn the art of distraction. If we can remain focused on other things we don't have to focus on ourselves. We don't have to address the condition of our heart for we've effectively blocked it with our minds and actions. Stay busy and we don't have to worry about the "why", for we use all our energies running away from ourselves...

Unfortunately, we are human, and our bodies can only go for so long at top speed. Sooner or later we run out of gas, we're forced to slow down, to recooperate, and we find the same gaping hole in our life still there. We are faced with ourselves, and we don't have answers... We become anxious, afraid. We stress, for we don't know what it is we're geared for. So what is this human condition that drives us to fill ourselves up in so many different ways? Some are workaholics, putting in 80 to 100 hours a week, dragging themselves home exhausted just to repeat the cycle the next day. Some are alcoholics, or drug users, choosing to lose themselves in the temporary artificial escape of self-induced dementia. Others party, wrapping themselves up in other people, often people as lost and seeking as themselves, banding together in pseudo comfort, thinking they're finding satisfaction in life. It's all a mirage... Some get caught up in social agendas, trying to fill the hole with "good" deeds, but in the end it's unsatisfying... Everyone who tries to fill the void on their own fails. Everyone. It's a universal truth.

So what is the void? It is the seperation from community with God, caused by Adam's sin, and passed down to each and every person born on this earth since. We were made for community, and only restoration of community fills that void. And it doesn't just fill it, it overflows it, and we experience life, not merely existence. Jesus said that anyone who drinks of the water of life that he provides will never thirst again; further, from his heart (where our hole is) will well a spring of living water welling up to eternal life (John 4:14). Have you ever tried to contain a spring? It just keeps welling up, bubbling to overflowing, reaching out and touching all that's around it. That's how Jesus fills us. We're filled up from the inside, so we naturally flow to our world around us. The hole is gone, filled with something that makes us whole to overflowing... We can then learn about peace, and contentment, about loving others because we now know we can love ourselves, for we are loved, with a greater love than can be shared by any man, and our heart's natural desire is to reciprocate with love. We can learn that the stress and anxiety of our world is fleeting, is temporal, and we are not subject to it's power anymore... All of a sudden life, the journey, is good, and we can slow down and enjoy it, and learn to smell the roses...

Appreciation...

I sat in the office of a client today, an older gentleman, as he told me of trials he and his loved ones faced over the last couple of years. He needs a valve in his heart, and is checked every six months to monitor the deterioration since his last visit. His wife experienced retinal bleeding in both eyes about a year and a half ago and is blind now in one eye and severely restricted in the other. Yet as we talked he wasn't bitter or upset, rather grateful that things aren't worse in his life, for they could be. I shared with him about my dad, who just seventeen months ago lay in a coma, thirty some broken bones, and odds of recovery slim at best. Today he's a walking miracle, and I'm grateful things aren't worse.

It made me think about the trivial things we complain about, especially in light of how much we're blessed with. Long ago I realized that no matter how good I was or did something there was always someone better. Likewise, as bad as we may think things are we can always find someone a little worse off... We need to appreciate what we have, we need to focus on our postitives, and if we need to improve our situation, determine a positive course of action and move toward our desired goal. We need to ask ourselves, "is what I'm doing/saying moving me closer to or farther from my goal?" Rarely will a critical spirit or a complaining attitude move us in a positive direction. And yet, it seems to be the course we often choose to take. And things get worse. And we get more critical, and complain louder, longer. And thing get worse. (A pattern seems to be emerging).

I think we need to make a conscious effort to recognize pettiness in our lives, and learn tolerance, and patience toward others, but more importantly, tolerance and patience toward ourselves. To allow others to get to us, to anger or upset us, is giving them a power over us that they have no right to, and which they often use in an abusive manner toward us, either consciously or subconsciously. Tolerance and patience allows acceptance and control, self-control. Out of our acceptance and self-control flows the ability to truly and deeply love. To love ourselves first, then love others, for if we cannot love ourselves how then can we expect to love others or have others love us?

Options...

Options are funny things. Like traveling a road and coming to a fork, we've got options... We go left, or right, or back, or stay right where we are. Two roads, four options. The more the choices presented, the more the options exponentially grow. Yet every decision, depite the possibility of numerous options, there are two basic choices; we stay where we are or we move forward. Moving forward continues the experience of life's journey, standing pat puts us in a holding pattern, and a static pattern creates a rut.
I think "keeping our options open" is something we tell ourselves when we are afraid of our choices, our options, and so place ourselves in a holding pattern. Yet it becomes more and more difficult to hold our options open, for life has a way of moving forward, even when we are hesitant to do so ourselves. Sometimes our options are taken from us, the choice is made by the circumstances of life's constant move forward, and our desire to "hold open" our other choices is removed, and the choice is made for us. Perhaps not what we ultimately desire, but what we are left with as a result of our inability to decide when life presented us with choices.
There are always options in life; there's not always choice is we fail to be proactive and decisive.

Old dogs can still learn...

Tonight I am most grateful that I'm not too old to learn new truths. Sometimes truth is so obvious that it's missed because we just look everywhere but right in front of us... Tonight I realized a truth that I should have many years ago; I learned why I am willing to be vulnerable, willing to love despite repeated hurts.
I am almost fifty years old, and I can count the number of significant personal relationships I've had on one hand (and have fingers left), and though there were many good memories the emotional and physical abuse I suffered made me wonder how I could ever, or would ever love again. And yet somehow I knew that happiness is ultimately found in community, in personal relationships where I allow others to get to know me. I knew the deep, sacrificial love of a parent for their child, I knew the love of a son, as my parents stood by me all through my life. I knew the love of a husband to his wife, and I knew the pain of unrequited love. I thought I understood love pretty well, but tonight I realized it isn't about my understanding, it isn't about my capacity to love or forgive.
The ability to be vulnerable, to truly love, deeply, compassionately, selflessly cannot be achieved until I fully accept in my heart that pure and perfect and sacrificial love of my Lord. It is not enough to understand it intellectually; embracing love is key. "Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him." (IJohn 4:16) It's not about me and my capacity to love, but about His unlimited boundless capacity to love me, and as I learn to just live in that love my capacity to love grows exponentially. Yes, I'm told I look like an easy mark to some, and some may think they can take advantage, but are they really, if I am aware, and if I choose out of love, to allow it? Then the choice is mine, just as Jesus Christ, who, out of his endless love for me, chose to willingly walk into the hands of those who ridiculed and persecuted him, and ultimately put him to death. He loved me enough to die; I long to recipricate that love, to Him, and to others.