Eternity and the finite mind...

I was pondering, this past Thanksgiving weekend, the concept of Eternity. It's a tough ponder, for infinite concepts are not really graspable by the finite mind. Infinite concepts are really only understood by the Uncreated, where infinite is a state of being. Still, I was again amazed at how little we tend to consider what comes after this life...
I believe in a Heaven, and I believe in a Hell, and so time to time I find myself pondering what is to come. It seems that most people I know or meet are really preoccupied with the stresses of day-to-day living, and to getting ahead in this life so what is to come doesn't seem to be of much concern. (It's interesting, but the closer we get to death and dying the more important it seems to become). Still, we should try to consider Eternity, and more than just the occassional thought, for in the larger picture it is really Eternity that matters.
We seem to have gotten our priorities mixed up, for all our focus is on the temporal. If we live say, 70 to 80 years, why do we focus so much time and energy on how we live during those few years when we will exist in Eternity- millieniums of millineums of time spent in either Heaven or Hell... The reality is, the impact we make on world during our few years on this earth, could be equated by the hole you'd leave when you pull your finger out of a bucket of water...  So why aren't we spending more time getting ready for Eternity?

Eternity is an infinite concept, and as such it is incredibly difficult to understand with a finite mind. Actually, we can never fully understand the concept, for it is beyond our reasoning, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try. Concepts like infinity and eternity, things with no beginning and no end, are beyond our reason, for we view time in a linear sense, as a succession of events that move us forward. But time, another infinite concept, isn't necessarily linear, it is portrayed as such to give our finite senses a point of bearing... God exists outside of the concept of time, and is not bound by it's properties and restrictions, so He therefore can see us at all points of our lives at once- but that's another discussion...

I guess the thought I have today, is what am I, or what are you, doing to better prepare for a life after this one? If you believe in life after death, then there a good chance that there's a heaven and a hell too, so where are you headed, and are you secure in destination? To my atheist friends I just have this to say: Should I be right and you be wrong, perhaps you'd better pack for really warm weather... Food for thought.

Our Well of Insecurity and Inadaquacy...

Warning: This blog is personal, and may well get personal, so if you don't want personal change channels now.

I was out doing leaves again today, for yard work often gives me time to think, and my thoughts turned to my blog and the fact that I haven't blogged in a while. As is often my way I questioned myself on why I haven't written and I came to the conclusion that I really didn't have anything good to say, and I didn't want to write some drivel just to be writing. It occured to me that I write because some people like it, and by extention they might like me. I realized that I, so often the loner, really do want to be liked. Why?

Self-examination, or introspection, is often scary, and sometimes painful. It isn't something anyone really enjoys doing, for there's a place that we all know, that we've all experienced at one time or another, and most people try to avoid it... Did you ever see the movie "The Ring"? Remember that scary well? We all have one of those, that penetrates deep in our soul. It's that place most try to avoid, for to visit there, to gaze in its depths, is to visit the realization of how damaged we are. Every one of us, no exceptions. And most people don't like to acknowledge our damaged state. The deeper we go into that well the more exposed are our inadaquacies and insecurities. The terror of the depths is [almost] overwhelming. It's the reason why we work so hard, play so fast, sometimes push ourselves to the brink of ehaustion. We strive to keep busy for to slow down is to expose ourselves to that one person that knows us best- ourselves. As long as we stay busy, as long as we are working on the "who" we are,  we don't have the time, or the effort, to consider "what" we are. And that "what" is broken, damaged goods. We are all flawed. We are all left wanting. There's a hole in our soul that we long to fill, but no amount of busyness can fill it, nothing we can do can take away that insecurity, that feeling of inadaquacy we have when faced with the reality of ourselves. The deeper we descend into that well the more depressing it gets, so people try to do anything to keep from facing their well. Why is depression so rampant among those who have been hurt, hospitalized, laid up? Because of the misfourtune that has befallen them? Possibly, but more likely because they can no longer "do", for a time they must just "be". When unable to do we find ourselves faced with the reality of who and what we are, and that is a depressing scary thing.

What is this hole, that we can not ourselves fill? It is our separation from our purpose, our severence from our reason for our creation. It is seperation from our Creator, our God. But there is hope, especially when we dare to descend into our well, into our insecurity and inadaquacy, for when we are at our lowest, when we find ourselves most vulnerable, we only have to look and Jesus is there. He always meets us where we are, and he's always there to meet us in our hour of greatest need. A personal relationship with Him fills that hole that we can never fill alone. He gives reason for living, that no amount of hustle and bustle can ever fill. Even now, in my life, I sometimes find wrapped up in my own flaws and insecurities, descending down that well, and there, at my lowest, I find him, waiting, watching for me to acknowledge Him, to allow Him to give me strength and purpose that this world never can.

I went to see Bill Cosby last week and he spoke of his belief in the Bible and in God. Then he said, "I really feel sorry for atheists. They've left themselves no wiggle room. What are they gonna say to God when it turns out they're wrong?" I think he's absolutely right though, for we were created for community with God, and only God can fill that void. No goal, no amount of hustle, no bar scene or busyness can ever fill God's spot. I believe people choose not to believe in God because it helps them ignore their own flawed state' If there's no God then there's no rason to go near their own well, to gaze into their brokenness, to admit they're damaged goods. Only God fixes broken, only God restores damaged- no matter how hard we try. Food for thought...

Disillusionment: The Key to Community

The other night I expressed how deeply flawed I was, how disillussioned I was with myself, for I knew me, and I know how flawed and wrong I am and can be. Although I was reassured by my friend that certainly it isn't so I knew in my heart how right I was in my innermost feelings. I knew and recognized my feelings, yet I did not fully understand them, or their reasons for existing. Tonight I read a passage from "Life Together" by Dietrich Bonhoeffer that said' "God is not a God of the emotions but a God of truth. Only that fellowship that faces such disillusionment, with all its unhappy and ugly aspects,begins to be what it should be in God's sight, begins to grasp in faith the promise given to it. The sooner the shock of disillusionment comes to an indiviual and to a community the better for both." It was like a lightswitch was thrown- an answer, an understanding to my feelings of inadequacy and disillusionment with who and what I am.
     For me to enter into community with God, through my relationship with his son Jesus Christ, I must be stripped of all illusions of who I think God wants me to be, be stripped of all illusions of who I think I should be, and freed from all illusions and visions of how I think community with him should be. Bonhoeffer says later, "God hates visionary dreaming. It makes the dreamer proud and pretentious. The man who fashions a visionary ideal of community demands that it be realized by God, by others, and by himself. He enters the community of Christians with his own demands, sets up his own law, and judges the brethren and God himself accordingly." The point here is it is not for us to dream, to try and determine what community with God and other Christians should look like. It is just for us to enter into it, to allow God to work in his model of community, not ours. He already has brought us into fellowship with him, through the blood and mediation of his son, and we are already ready to live in community with him if we can only cast aside our visions of what that should be and just enter in with him...

    As I reflect on past experiences, both personal and observed, I can't help but see the truth that Bonhoeffer was so eloquently describing. In my past was I not guilty of spiritual pride? Did I not hold others to my own exacting standards, did I not sit in condemnation of others who didn't measure up? I was wrong, for I was inflicting my visions, my standards on others, and I was woefully prideful in my own "goodness". And what of the larger model of community, the church? I cannot recall attending even one local church that did not have a "vision" or visions of what they wanted to be and/or what they desired to accomplish. I think back on past, and even recent, cutbacks of staff and programs in churches I've attended and now ask myself, "Were they striving to meet their own 'vision' or were they laying aside all their illusions and just living in community with God and allowing him to direct the direction and 'vsion' of the church?" I can't help but wonder that if God were really directing things would there ever be a need for a cutback or layoff? Are we, as local bodies of Christ (churches) guilty of being visionaries?

     "For he himself is our peace..." (Eph. 2:14). When we come into community with God, through Jesus Christ, and do so without our visions, our illusions, we find peace, I find peace. We find peace with God, whatever the circumstance, and we find peace with our Christian brothers also living in community with God. Community is a gift of grace from God, pure and undistorted, if we only enter in in our dissillusionment... Food for thought...

To have, or not to have...

I was preparing to go to my honey's house this past Sunday, to watch football together, (that's right guys- she watches football! Eat your hearts out!) when I remembered some stuffed pizza I had left in the fridge and I thought, "I wonder if I should take it, just in case we want to nibble on it?" Better to have it, I reasoned, and not want it, than to want it and not have it...

That led me to ponder, is it better to want something but not have it, or have something but not want it? If we lack something and desire it we well may work toward achieving it. On the other hand, having something but not wanting it is waste, perhaps depriving someone of something they may want or need. Not having can create desire, give purpose or direction, set a goal. Having but not wanting is paramount to being wasteful, leading to nothing productive, just the accumulation of things no longer desireable...

Perhaps we need to rethink our motivation in our drive to accumulate "things", for the achievement is not in their aquisition, but in the drive, the desire created, to achieve. It is not the "thing" we desire that is important, but the setting and achieving of the goal... Food for thought...

Relationship Enrichers...

I often think that, as a society, we should get back to simplier, less complicated ways in our lives. We live life at breakneck speed, often going from dawn to dusk, without pause to realize that life is happening now, as we fly right by in our quests to accomplish. Occassionally slowing down, even stopping, to enjoy the moment can add untold riches to our lives, if only we realized...

This morning I was pondering the eloquence of three simple words, and the thought then occured to me that there are quite a number of three word phrases that could enrich and enhance our lives if we only chose to regularly practice them. For example:

I was wrong.

You go first.

I miss you.

May I help?

I am sorry.

Thank-you for____.
I appreciate you.
You're the best.
Please help me.
Simple phrases, surely, but packed with power. Relationship enrichers...
But the most powerful of all the simple phrases, the most incredibly impactful one is simply,
"I Love You"...
Food for thought...

Bonhoeffer on "Religion"

I've expressed my views in the past concerning "religion", and have stated I am not a religious person, nor do I ascribe to all the do's and don'ts we seem to have in organized religion... Tonight as I was reading "Bonhoeffer" I read a quote from his journal, that he wrote after attending a service at Riverside Church, in New York, 1939. (Riverside was one of the pre-ememinent churches of it's day) I think he experienced what I have observed even today in many of our church experiences. It went as follows: "The whole thing was a respectable, self-indulgent, self-satisfied religious celebration. This sort of idolatrous religion stirs up the flesh which is used to being kept in check by the Word of God. Such sermons make for liberalism, egotism, indifference. Do people know that one can get on as well, even better, without "religion"?"

I believe what Dietrich Bonhoeffer was saying was that when we tend to get wrapped up in the whole "religion" experience we tend to lose sight of Jesus Christ's message and example. Too often we see churches get caught up in all the pomp and tradition and forget to teach (if they even know how themselves!) to live in community with God and each other. The message we hear is how we can "feel good" about ourselves, our lives, that we forget that God doesn't promise our lives will be happy, but abundant. He doesn't say our lives will be worry free, but he does say yoke up with Him and your burden will be light (more on that another time)... Bonhoeffer didn't believe in "cheap grace", or grace that people want to accept without selling out for God in return. I believe that we as Christians practice cheap grace as a matter of course. We have it so easy, not really ever experiencing any persecution for out faith, that we get lax in our faith. Sometimes, when we don't experience tough times we don't appreciate the good times... We are not called to a personal relationship with Jesus Christ only to continue to live as we see fit, we are called to sell out completely to Him if we want to be called a child of God... Food for thought...

Finally, An Answer?

Several months ago I revisited my "Open Letter" blog written several years prior... It was a letter I wrote to "the one " I've been searching for. Now, after many, many months of being alone I have met someone who could potentially be the one to whom that letter was written... We've corresponded, been out several times now, and seem to share a lot in common... She's special.

I'd appreciate a prayer or two, if you who read are so disposed, that if this is the lady that God has for me, that our relationship grow, and be blessed.

Thank you.  ~Bud

Urgent or Important?

I decided it was again time to straighten the warehouse, to try and restore some oorder to the most chaotic aspect of my business. As I was working back there I found myself re-doing some of the tasks my guys had already done, or were supposed to do, and I came to the realization that if they don't have time to do the job right the first time they will never have time to do it over.

I think that all too often we mistake "urgent" for "important". We tend to think that those things that are urgent, that seem to demand our immediate attention, are actually important. This is often not the case. If we learn to ignore the urgent and focus on what is truly important those urgeent things will tend to take care of themselves. Too often we use "urgent" as an excuse for poor or shoddy work, when the reality is, we've just put off dealing with what's important until it's blossomed out of control...

Be smart; learn to differentiate between urgent aand important, then focus on the important. Food for thought...

Shooting from the Hip...

I'm feeling a bit random tonight... I've learned several truths that I fell worthy to put down in print...

We experience pain in our lives; we must go through it to conquer it, and yet all too often we try to go around it... Going around it just prolongs it.

We cannot compartmentalize anger- holding on to our anger in one area will inveritably allow it to spill over in to other areas and relationships... Especially in relationships. When anger is held on to it robs us of the opportunity to dispense grace. We all want and need grace, why are we so hesitant to dispense it? My mom said something very profound today- she said that over time we all want others to recognize that we've grown, or changed, but sometimes we fail to recognize that change in one who's hurt us. We may have moved on in our life, but if we recognize that they have too we must dispense grace, and allow that they may have changed too... That's pretty tough for many to do...

I learned from Bonhoeffer today an interesting concept. He says, in essence, that the questions we ask are, :Is there a God?" and , "Do we need the Church today?", but the questions are wrong. The Church exists, and God exists, so it is actually we who should be questioned. What we should be asking is, "are we willing to be of service, for God needs us".It is interesting to ponder the question from the absolute that God does and always  has existed, for from that perspective the responsibility falls completely on us as to whether we as individuals will answer God's call or ultimately reject Him. It is no longer a question of His existence, it is a question of our obedience. Much more disquieting to our spirits... /Much more difficult to accept. As a people, the vast majority tend to shun responsibility rather than accepting it...

A little white lie is still a lie, and if truth is an absolute than lying is absolutely wrong. Unfortunately all too many don't believe in absolute truth any more, thereby laying the foundation for the acceptance of lies. I've actually heard people say that a lie is okay if it is told to spare someone's feelings, or to keep from hurting someone. What kind of reasoning is that? If the truth hurts now, won't it hurt more when it finally comes out, for it will have been buried in lies. The truth may hurt, but getting caught in a lie always does. Getting caught in a lie destroys trust, the very foundation to any successful relationship...

Finally, in closing, I've learned that I'm not always politically correct, and you know what? -I don't want to be. I think I'm fed up with all this BS about not wanting to step on anyone's toes... And I'm really tired of all the government handouts. I work for a living, so should everyone else. For all these people who want to collect welfare I say let them earn it. Let them pick up trash in our parks or along our roadway, let them earn that government check. It would do two things; First, it allows people to feel like they're earning their check, which in turn raises self worth. And a prerequisite to receiving a check should be that each recipient passes a drug screen. We might just save a ton on welfare and begin to lower our national debt with the money we save. And my last thought- If you don't pay any taxes you don't have the right to vote. No taxes, no vote. fifty one percent of Americans paid no federal income tax in 2010. If they don't have any money in the pot then they shouldn't have the right to vote on who and how we spend it... That would reslly scare the liberal left!

Food for thought, shooting  from the hip...

A time out...

I've been taking a short respite from writing, to do a little more learning my own self. I believe that learning is a skill that must be fed, honed, or we lose our capacity to learn. Therefore I'm taking a short sabbatical here to pursue and expand my interest in one of the greatest (if not the greatest) theologians of the twentieth century, Deitrick Bonhoeffer.

I recommend "Bonhoeffer: Pastor, Martyr, Prophet, Spy" which is his biograghy, but even more interestingly, gives a unique insight into the development of Hitler's Germany from a German perspective within... Not only was Bonhoeffer a great German teacher and theologian, he was also complicit in the assassination plot to kill Hitler. He was arrested and held in a jail until just a few days before Germany's surrender. But he was not released- he was executed.
  Bonhoeffer developed much of the modern ideology that drives the "Seeker Church" today. His teaching on Community ("Life Together") and Discipleship ("The Cost of Discipleship"), on the Church as it relates to Jesus Christ is incredible. So please bear with me as I take some time out to read, to study, to learn.
Thank you.

Love's Opposite...

I made a fire on the deck tonight. As it burned I couldn't help but notice how all-consuming fire is. I also noticed the it burned differently, depending on the wood. I had a couple of pieces of oak, solid, heavy wood that was still burning when I came in at midnight. Several pieces of Aspen burned quick and bright, but didn't last long at all. I had some pine that flared up nice, but also burned quickly...

I got to thinking that fire is alot like some of our emotions. Those emotions that are powerful, strong, are like fire. Love is fire. It can start out slow, small, and not real hot, but in time it grows, in size, in heat, in intensity. Like different kinds of wood we can also experience love differently, from a stable long-burning emotion, to the white-hot flare up that recedes and leaves us sometimes confused and spent...

But love is not alone in being an intense emotion. Hate is also a fire. Often hate is thought to be the opposite of love, but it is not. It is perhaps better described as love's cousin, for it is very similar to love in it's characteristics. It can start slow, and build. It can become intense and all-consuming... Relationally, becuase they are so similar in their intensity, people often fluctuate between these powerful emotions within the relationship. Factor in the powerful emotion of anger as the catalyst between the two and it's easy to understand the concept of a love-hate relationship.

So what is the opposite of love? The opposite of love is indifference.Like a fire, love needs to be fed, to be fueled if it is going to grow, in heat and intensity. Failure to feed the fire allows the fire to die, and the fault is ours, for like fire, it needs our attention to survive and to grow. Indifference is like wet wood- there's no way fire will ever be able to consume it, for it is incapable of allowing even the smallest spark to take hold. Indifference is the antithesis of love; it is the killer of love. Food for thought...

It's Raining...

Tonight we had a soft little rain... For reasons still undiscovered I decided to take a little walk in the rain- barefoot. I walked in puddles. Intentionally. I enjoyed myself, even though I'll probably catch cold or get sick now. What am I thinking? I'm way too young to be slipping into my "second childhood"... But still, it was enjoyable. It was fun. When was the last time you intentionally walked in the rain?

The Failproof Relationship...

It seems like I've been alone a long time now. In reality, it's only been since June, when my daughter got married and moved out and my best little pal died... Relationally it's been much longer, close to a year and a half. Occassionally, when I start to feel down, the memories tend to remind me being alone isn't as bad as being with the wrong person, no matter how much I might have cared. After all, that's the lesson learned- it is better to be alone than to be with the wrong person. I know that goes against societal wisdom, which seems to push us into relationships whether we're ready or not, and often before we know if we even like the other...

I had brunch with my folks Sunday after church. They moved into a new condo about 3 months ago so I've made it a habit of dropping in 3-4 times a week to check on them, help out if needed, etc. Occassionally we have a meal together. I think they really enjoy my company, not just as a son but as a person, for I meet in each of them a different need, a different desire. As we were leaving the restaurant Mom turned to me and said, "We're sure glad you don't have anyone in your life right now. It makes more time for us." I tease her a lot about praying for me, and my relational status, for she is ever vigilant about praying for the right person for me, but I told her I now understand what she's praying for- no woman so I can spend time with them! We laughed, but usually in jest there is underlying truth, if we choose to seek it out. This truth- I'm extremely lucky to have both parents still living and active at my age and theirs, and these are precious memories we're all making for those times when we won't have each other. I'm glad I can recognize the importance of each visit... I pray that my kids will realize sooner, rather than later, or too late, the importance of family, and relationships (not that they don't know now necessarily, but everyone's so busy that sometimes relationships are sacrificed for more "important things" like work, sports, commitments,etc)...

I miss having a hand to hold, eyes to gaze into, lips to kiss, a person to love. I miss companionship. But, I don't miss drama, anger, unrealized expectations. I don't miss the unrelenting pain of being betrayed, no matter what the form. I don't miss the hurt, the agony when my vulnerability is violated... I watch movies now, and if I get emotional at a well-played drama I am not ridiculed for my emotions, for I am alone. I can be completely me, free and easy, with no one or no desire to impress. I don't hurt my feelings, don't forget important dates, I am not insensitive to myself. Sometimes I let myself down, but I'm forgiving of myself, for I know how flawed and broken I am... But I don't have someone with which to share, someone to laugh with, to cry with, to snuggle in the cold, to chase on the beach... For I am alone. The scales swing back and forth...

It's important to realize that being alone is different than being lonely. Society teaches that those who are alone are probably lonely. But I beg to differ. One can be in the middle of a thousand people, be in the midst of a relationship, and be completely lonely while never being alone. Lonely is unmet needs, lonely is unrealized desire. Lonely is recognizing the hole in one's heart and not knowing how to fill it.That happens when relationships are wanting. Alone is not lonely... While ocassionally I feel lonely the feeling passes, for I am never alone. Most of my relationships may be flawed or fail, but I have one that never fails me, no matter how often I fail it. It is my relationship with Jesus Christ. He never lets me down... Food for thought...

Relationship Killers #5: Failure to Communicate...

Breakdowns in communication are often a major factor in the failure of relationships. The question isn't so much why communication breaks down, rather what is the reasons behind the lack of communication, for anyone can learn to communicate- it becomes a matter of the will to do so. Communication is not just learning to say how you feel or what you think, it is also learning to constructively listen to our mate and respond appropriately. Communication can be learned, but it isn't effective until desired.

People handle their emotions in different ways. Some wear their emotions on their sleeve, and need to address issues immediately. They're usually the "exploders", who go off and then feel better. Then there's the "stuffers", who just take everything in and compact it, like a trash compactor, until it's too full and garbage can't help but leak out... And there's the "stealth bomber", who takes all the heat, then, usually on the way out, takes a shot back and disappears... None are healthy ways to deal with our emotions, and all lead to a failure to effectively communicate.

To effectively communicate we need to get past the emotions of the situation and deal with the issue. Sometimes that means just walking away for a time, to let emotions cool, and then attempting to address the issue when things are calmer. But it isn't healthy to just walk away without communicating anything- that could be misconstrued as you are walking out on the relationship/ issue/ person... It needs to be clearly stated that, for the good of our rellationship, perhaps we need a couple hours to cool off, or a day, weekend, etc. Everyone cools off differently, but trying to address an emotion-charged issue is almost always a lose-lose proposition...

Anyone can learn to communicate effectively. It is a choice to learn to do so, or else to continue to fail in this critical area. People who choose not to learn to listen, and to share their feelings are usually demonstrating a passive aggression towards their mate and relationship, which will ultimately result in failure... Food for thought...

Relationship Killers #4: Lying...

That lying is wrong is virtually a universally accepted tenent, and yet it is  violated by virtually everyone. Little white lies, lies of ommission, lies about our past, lies to cover actions, lies to try to avoid trouble- no matter what the form a lie is a lie. It is an untruth, and it erodes the very foundation of any relationship. For truth must be part of the foundation for any relationship to be successful. 

So why do we lie? The first lie was told in the Garden of Eden, when Satan first approached Eve and tempted her with the forbidden fruit. "You will be like God", he said, "if you only eat of the fruit. God forbid it because He didn't want you to be like Him". A crafty lie, and a crafty argument. After all, who wouldn't want to be like God? And that first lie destroyed a relationship, between man and God. God later restored it, but it remains in a broken state as long as we live in a broken world...

Ever since that first lie the art of lying has destroyed relationship after relationship, because you can't trust a liar, for you can never be sure they're telling you the truth. And without the inability to trust the relationship is dead, or soon will be. Our world is full of lies. Our courts, our politicians, our advertising, TV, our workplaces- we are bombarded by lies all day long. Is it no wonder people find it easier to lie than to be truthful? Lies cover up; truth reveals.

The beauty of telling the truth, and this is a lesson so few have learned, is that you don't have to remember anything when you're honest. The truth is the truth- there's nothing to remember. And yet when we lie we must remember the lie, for more often than not we end up building on it. Lie upon lie, until one day the house of lies we built comes crashing down when we stumble or get caught in one of our untruths... Lies cover up- truth reveals. To live an open and ahthentic life is one of the greatest and most rewarding challenges we face today. And yet so few are willing to step up and meet that challenge. I will, and I hope you will too.

Food for thought....

Relationship Killers #3: Anger...

Anger is not wrong. Everyone gets angry at something or someone, sooner or later. It is an often misunderstood emotion, for it is not a bad in itself. Unbridaled anger however, uncontroled anger, is a bad thing and can destroy a relationship. When we allow our anger to run unbridled we say things, and do things that can't be undone. Yes, we can forgive anger, but we really don't forget the intentional hurtful things said  or done out of anger. As I've written in the past, once a word is said that's when it begins to live.

 Uncontrolled anger will drive a couple further apart, and will make reconcilliation that much more difficult. If our desire is to be together, to live in a harmonious relationship then uncontroled anger is our enemy. So what's the solution? Anger management. Learn to control your temper and you won't regret your words or actions- even if you're angry. Sometimes it means walking away for a while, to regain control. Sometimes it means choosing not to respond to hurtful things said while emotions are running high. And yet, when one partner can't control their anger, their tongue, they are emotionally abusive, and no one deserves to be abused. The end of the relationship should be near when anger controls a person, for their right to express anger inappropriately ends where your nose begins. Food for thought...

The Human Condition...

I am my own worst critic- this I know, but then, who knows me better? I've been told I'm loving, thoughtful, sensitive, caring, kind, blessed, a blessing- but when I hear these things I know deep in my heart that my core is not good. There's something wrong, something askew, that I cannot fix, and I have tried through the years and utterly failed. My problem is the human condition. My problem is sin.

I'm grateful that others have fought this battle and have shared their struggles, for it gives me reassurance that I don't struggle alone. Paul wrote in Romans that he knew what was right and yet didn't do it. He knew what was wrong and couldn't help doing it. He writes of the battle that raged within him. I can empathize with Paul, and with others who fight this same battle as I, for it is so discouraging to know right but do wrong. It shows how weak I really am, and it scares me, for I am an uncommonly strong man...

Some people handle the human condition by just refusing to acknowledge it within themselves. It doesn't go away, but their response to it callouses them over time, until they just don't feel the tug to do what is right anymore. They live as they want to live, irrespective of the pain or damage they might inflict on others, on ones they love or once loved. Their fellow man is no longer as important as their own selfish wants and desires. And the human condition deepens their lives become more selfish, and self centered. I'm bothered by my inability to overcome sin, and yet I understand that I will never, in this life, be able to in my own power.

I was listening today to Philips, Craig, and Dean and one song they sang said, in effect, "I couldn't reach mercy, so Mercy came running to me." It reminded me yet again, that nothing I do in my own power is enough to overcome my human condition, my sin, but Jesus overcame it once and for all through His sacrifice of love for me. I don't have to overcome sin- it's already defeated. Now I just have to learn to live day by day, moment by moment in the grace and mercy of God and my human condition cannot win. Or, as Paul said, "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me". Paul managed to get it right. I can only pray that I do too. Food for thought...

Relationship Killers #2: Emotional Blackmail...

Another thing that can be deadly to a relationship is Emotional Blackmail. This would include saying things like, "If you really loved me..." or, "Just back me on this if you really care for me..." or, If you really valued our relationship..." or, "What are we gonna tell the kids?" or any other of a myrid of statements that shift the focus from the real issue to your relationship. When one tries to make the relationship more important than the issue at hand that diversion is emotional blackmail.

The reality is, the one who makes such statements is actually threatening you, and you need to protect yourself, at least mentally. And the first step to protecting yourself is to be clear as to what is happening. You need to ask yourself, "If I don't yield to this veiled threat will they really harm our relationship?" Is my love/affection really being challenged, or is it a ploy to manipulate me into a desired action/reaction by my mate? You need to refocus the attention back onto the issue at hand, and take the relationship aspect off the table.

You might want to respond with something like, "My love/affection (etc.) has nothing to do with the issue at hand. The problem is..." Restating the issue can and refusing to yield to blackmail will either make you stronger, or possibly elict a very negative reaction from your mate, even to the point that they sever the relationship. If something that extreme happens because you stand up to their emotional blackmail the odds are strong that that was a very unhealthy relationship to start with and wouldn't have withstood the test of time. People who use this tactic are emotional bullies, and usually prey upon those who are co-dependent, or suffer from low self-esteem. Don't give in to emotional blackmail- it's never worth sacrificing your core values or beliefs just to appease your mate. The truth is, if they really loved you they wouldn't stoop to such tactics... Food for thought...