What is Love?

This morning I had a comment from "Anonymous", to my "Open Letter" post, and felt compelled to answer more fully in a blog. And so this morning I write to you, my hurting friend, with the hopes that perhaps comfort and some measure of understanding can be found in what meager understanding I may possess...

Dear Anonymous,

Your comment struck deeply in my heart. You asked, "How can I possibly fall in love with a man or have love for others when I don't know how to identify love? Books have been written on this very question, and still we don't seem to know. I want to attempt to identify, and perhaps clarify some of the areas we stumble in. (I've written on love in past blogs and encourage you to read them also).
I believe one of the first things we need to do is to differentiate between love and infatuation. Infatuation is great, it's that animal attraction, if you will, that stimulates our emotions, and our desires, that says, "I just can't live without this person". It's the butterflies in the tummy, the toe-curling kiss, that "connection" or chemistry between two people initially. But two truths about infatuation. It's wonderful, and it never lasts. It can come and go in a relationship many times, or come and go just once, but it is not stable, for infatuation is emotion-driven. It is "falling in love" with a person, not being in love with a person. It is possible for you to fall in and out of love many times with the same person, or others.
Love, on the other hand, has two major elements that are often lacking in today's relationships, and they are time and commitment. Love takes time. Time to learn about the one you've become infatuated with, to learn their strengths and weaknesses, their attributes and faults. It takes time to really get to know someone. And as we get to know them we decide that yes, this is that man, or woman, that I want to be with, good and bad, assets and warts, and we commit ourselves to them and the relationship. It is not a decision based on emotion. Often we hear people complain that the excitment is gone, that the relationship is stale, or dead. That is where commitment comes in, for a committed couple will seek ways to recapture that excitement; lack of commitment leads to one or the other seeking it elsewhere. Lack of commitment also leads to other conflict within the relationship, one manifestation being the casting blame on the the other for the failing relationship while there still is a relationship to save.
If you enter in a relationship for a short period of time and think it's love, perhaps determine to give it another six months, or a year, and see if it's still good. Time is the ultimate test for love. If your partner is pressuring you to move faster than you feel comfortable I question if it's love based or infatuation-driven.
With all that being said, I want to address your comment: "As a form of protection I have just shut down, closed off and built a wall around my heart. " My heart aches for you, for I know what it means to withdraw, to close oneself off. The most difficult lesson I've had to learn is to allow myself to be vulnerable, to allow someone to hold my heart after it's been abused by another. And it is a risk, and the potential for pain is there. Personally, I was last in a relationship with a woman with anger-management problems, and over the four years we were together she walked away in uncontrolled anger about 20 times. Every single time I felt like my heart was ripped out- every time. And yet, her anger would cool and she would tell me we "really didn't break up, because [she] didn't feel it in [her] heart". But I did, every last time. And yet, there was good in her, and that relationship, and by allowing myself to re-open and be vulnerable I was able to experience joys and love that would have never been possible if I remained closed off. To the extent we close ourselves off, it is to that extent we rob ourselves of the fullness of love and trust. To fully love is to be be fully vulnerable. To be fully vulnerable is to be willing to fully trust. The risk is great, but the rewards can be overwhelming. Too often we focus on the risk, the potential for pain, and we miss that potential for love, and happiness, and community, and trust, and fellowship that vulnerability can bring. For me to learn to be vulnerable I had to learn to redirect my focus on the potential rewards rather than the potential price...
I want to close with these thoughts; love, in its purest form is selfless. Its attributes are so overwhelmingly good that we should all aspire to them. So if you find yourself in a relationship that seems one-sided, where one is the giver and the other just takes, it's not love. Both sides give selflessly, desiring to please their mate above themself- that is true love. Those attributes I mentioned, of love? Patience, kindness, humility, truthfulness, protecting, trustworthy, perservering, and never failing. What it is not is, envious, boastful, proud, rude, self-seeking, easily angered, a record-keeper of wrongs, or a delighter in evil. So look at your partner, look at yourself. What attributes are being displayed in your relationship, by each of you? Desire to commit to those attributes of love and the relationship will have a rock-solid foundation that will stand the test of time. (You can read these attributes in I Corinthians 13).
If you want to love God, to love Christ then you need to learn to love, period. I John 4:16 says, "God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him". It's pretty simple really. We learn to love people generally, and our capacity to love grows. Then, when we find that special person, that one we feel that desire, that infatuation, we can learn to love specifically. I'd encourage you, my friend, to explore opening up yourself to those nearest you; share your hurts with family, kids, close friends, and begin to remove the walls with their help, to open up and love and trust, so that when that person comes along that you have desire to be with you have already begun the discipline of trusting, and becoming vulnerable. I hope I've said something of value for you this morning, Anonymous, for you've touched my heart by sharing your pain.

Your friend,

Bud

Boundary Markers...

Today the subject came up, of giving up things for Lent. One of my guys said, being Catholic, he couldn't eat meat on Friday. And my hackles rose. I think I am losing tolerance, as I get older, for all the "boundry markers" of organized religion. Why is it wrong to eat meat on Fridays, or to listen to certain music, to dance, to play cards, to smoke or drink, or the myrid of other things our "religions" of one kind or another outlaw?

Perhaps we should outlaw the real enemies to our Spirituality, like gossip, and envy, and greed, and back-biting, and malice, slander, and filthy language, lying, lust, and immorality, idolatry, compaining, and arguing... Why do we allow all these things to go on in our churches, and often aren't even offended by them, but someone having a smoke out on the steps is treated like a leper? Because they are sins of the heart, and the others are outward physical acts that we measure our "spirituality" against others... We try to be "spiritual" in our own strength, and so we look for outward signs to measure ourselves against. The real measure comes from what flows out of our heart; is it anger or rage, envy, greed, gossiping, slander, complaining, and all their cousins listed above, or is it kindness, gentleness, patience, peace, love, humility, faithfulness, goodness, compassion, and self-control? We need to look within ourselves, rather than outward at others.

Love God, and love his people. That's our measure.

An open letter...

We all desire to someone special in our lives, to walk with, to share with... Right now I don't have that companion, that love, but still hope that one day I will be so blessed. Today I was thinking of her, whoever she might be, and wanted to share with her a bit from my heart...

My Darling,

I want you to know how much you mean to me, to my heart, to know that you love and accept me just as I love and accept you. I want you to know how you captivate my thoughts, and hold my love captive until we meet again. You are my sunshine, my source of warmth, and energy, the light that dispells the darkness that lonliness cast before you.

I know we both want to be perfect for each other, but reality says that isn't going to happen. I know I am going to disappoint you, as you will me. The question we must ask ourselves is, "Is this disappointment going to be a stumbling block, or a building block?" I imagine, if your experience has been anything like mine, all too often those disappointments became stumbling blocks that ultimately doomed the relationship. But I'm here today, to tell you that it doesn't have to be. Tell me when I let you down, for that is not my heart's desire, and I will do everything in my power to make amends. And I promise to tell you, when I get hurt, or disappointed, and we can work toward resolution together. If we agree our relationship is good, and right, then our disappointments can become learning experiences, and be building blocks instead of stumbling blocks.

I know I haven't experienced that kind of relationship in my past, for whatever the reason, I haven't found a lady willing to commit to a common bottom line, so walking away was the road they often chose to take. But you are willing to commit to me, as I am to you, and walking is not a relational option. And we gain strength from our commitment, and trust grows, and our love deepens...

Please remember, my Love, that love is regressive, for as we grow in our relationship we become more trusting, more vulnerable, and we let down our guard to each other, revealing our flaws and faults that we initially tried to hide. We are not perfect anymore, but better yet, we are accepted, and loved despite our deficiencies, for our goal remains steadfast: We desire to be together, to love one another... Thank-you for sharing that goal, and thank-you for your understanding and acceptance.

Know that I love you, and am here for you, and will be in the future. I look forward to walking through life, hand-in-hand with you, making memories on life's journey that will warm our hearts and minds in the years ahead. My happiness is not found in doing any one thing, rather, it is found in doing anything with you. My desire is to fulfill you, to bring you happiness, and contentment for the rest of our lives together, til death do us part... I love you, whoever, and where ever you are.

Bud

Ponderings...

For most of us, we have no idea who we are. I don't mean exactly right this minute, I mean within the context of history. Today we've lost the extended family, for the most part, and our nuclear family is often decimated by divorce, or family break downs, and the greatest loss we have is our sense of who we are from a historical perspective. We've lost our history, our heritage, and with it, our pride. I live day by day, seldom pondering the richness of my heritage, rarely appreciating the sacrifices of my forefathers.

Tonight I was reading through some of my geneology, and I have much to be grateful for, much to be proud of. I'm sure everyone has their scoundrel or two, but likewise they have those who they can stand tall and be proud... George Washington named Fort Ashbey (Va.) after Captain John Ashbey, my forefather. Another of my ancestors, Thomas Dudley, was the Governor of Massachusetts and founder of Harvard University. My Great-great-great grandfather Payton Ashbey married Louisa Crow, a Cherokee Indian, and wasn't allowed to be buried in the family cemetary because of it. My 4th Great-grandfather, Matthew Rogers, is mentioned in Abraham Lincoln's biography as one of his favorite preachers. I have forefathers that have fought for and defended this country all the way back to the Revolutionary War. There are so many more men of note, of character, in my past.

In fact, even prior to the settlement of this country, I can trace my roots back, specifically to England, to the reign of Queen Mary, to the year 1555 AD. Queen Mary had banished the Gospel in England, yet a Protestant preacher named John Rogers continued to preach. Ultimately he was arrested and tried, and given the opportunity to recant his faith and embrace Catholisim, yet he refused. On February 4th, 1555, John Rogers was burned at the stake, becoming the first martyr during the reign of Queen Mary. Over four hundred and fifty years later, here I am. I am his 12th great-grandson.

Tonight I am proud, not of myself, or my accomplishments, but of my family, not just current, but of past. For my blood runs rich on the sacrifices of those gone before. I wonder if my children ever stop to wonder, to ponder, to appreciate their heritage? So much is lost today, for we don't stop to appreciate, to ponder...

Living in the moment...

I paused a moment and thought of yesterday;

Wondering how to recapture time past

And what of tomorrw, of that time that may

Left unaware it's time that comes too fast.

No, my focus must be on this my time today

For it is in the now that I can only know

This is the time to be aware, time to work, and to play

Finding seeds of happiness and taking time to sow.

Ages past and those to come spiraling through Time's vortex

"What will be" fast becoming "that which has been"

And without care to be aware it won't register in our cortex

And we will wonder how life passed us by, never to have again.

Learn to stop, or at least slow down your ride

For happiness can only be found in that time we call Today

And most of all take time to learn the art we call "abide"

And learn to rest, and to sing, and learn to dance, and play

A Fairy Tale...

Once upon a time there was a man, a good man, some even said a Godly man, who walked alone in life. Though he was often alone, he was rarely lonely, for most of his time he walked with God, talked with God, and enjoyed fellowship with Him. Yet as time went on he began to desire to find a companion, a mate to physically walk beside him, so he turned to his Father and made his request known. The Father loved him, and knew the desire of his heart, so he brought into his life a lady.
She was beautiful, inside and out, blonde hair and brown eyes, and a smile that lit up a room. Initially they hit it off well, but as in all relationships that lack perfection soon they hit a "bump in the road" and drifted apart... And he was sad, for there was much in her that he loved. Then, after a time, they reconnected, and their relationship began to grow, even closer than before. But alas, another bump, and apart again. And he even more sad, for he loved her even more than before, and his heart was broken because she walked away so easily, because he seemed to mean so little to her... And so he prayed.
"Father", he prayed", "why is this happening? I love her, and yet she turns away from me. I want to please her, to meet her every need, and want, and desire, to bring joy and happiness, to enjoy her company, and her mine. And yet she rejects me. Why!?" Why would anyone reject one who loves them so, who only wants their best good?"
And God said, "My son, look within your heart, and you will find your answers there. For these very questions you ask you can answer from out of your own experience; for these are the very issues I have in my relationship with you"...
And the man was sad, for the enormity of the truth was overwhelming... And he prayed, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I thank you for showing me so graphically the pain I've caused you, for loving me despite my callousness and insensitivity toward our relationship. Thank-you for being there for me, even when I walked away from you." And the Father smiled, in his joy, at his returning son. And He sent another lady into his son's life...

PS... A note to those of you who have asked who "the new lady" in my life is... It's a Fairy Tale! It's not necessarily about me! I'm making a point on the goodness of God in responding to our needs, when we delight in Him! Geesh...

A Call to Different!

Today is a good day, for I have come to several "realizations"...
The first realization came as I was thinking through this whole process that I've written about lately, about personally not wanting to be thought of as "religious" or the stigma that the term "christian" has been aquiring... I came to realize that, all too often "christians" come off as superior, or put themselves above others... Often very judgemental or hypocritical... As Christ-followers we are not supperior, we are not called to be "better", but to be "different". We are called to live with a different perspective, an eternal one, and not be anxious about those things this life throws at us, about what we have or don't have, about our wants and needs... We are to be anxious for nothing... Our perspective is different, not superior. I know I'm certainly no better than the next guy, for we are all made from the same material. But I know only I can own my story, only I can take what has been entrusted to me and develop it... If I learn to be loving, or compassionate, or hospitable, or giving, that doesn't make me better than others in this world- just different. I need to own what's been entrusted to me; I need to steward my personal resources to the best of my abilities. That doesn't make me superior, I just have a different perspective, so I focus my energies differently. Not better, just different.
The other realization I came to is that if I properly learn to renew my mind, if my internal focus is correct, then that which happens externally is just no big deal. I've written that we seek to stay busy because we fear facing ourselves, our minds... Yet when we learn to do just that we can learn some awesome truths... If we can learn to live in awareness of our minds, and learn to renew them, then what happens to our bodies just doesn't matter, for we are free in our minds. The mind is what sets us apart from other creation, and it is the mind that we still fear the most. It is why solitary confinment is so effective as a means of punishment- we are alone with our mind, and facing ourselves scares us to death! And yet, we are the only ones who can hold our minds captive, for we we have the ability to control and renew our minds to whatever pattern we need to in order to deal with life... But learning to be free in our minds completely revamps our perspective... Those areas of stress and anxiety are suddenly no big deal! The perspective of the renewed mind is, that no matter what happens to me in this life it cannot seperate me from the love of my Heavenly Father, for I am a treasured child of the Most High God!

Identity...

I am an athlete, still agile and strong,
I revel in sports, in action, in play
I love to live life all the day long
But that's not my identity I'd have to say.

I'm a good son, and father and brother,
My loved ones would say I'm a good family man.
I respect my siblings, my father, and mother
But that's not who I am in the overall plan.

I'm compassionate, generous, and support to the end
If there's a need then I'm a call away
I have many people who say I'm their friend
But that's my identity on any given day.

Success in business has come easily to me
My peers say I am honest and straight
Acumulation of things has been easy to see
But that's not who I am, that is no debate.

So who am I, if I am none of these things?
What belonging does my heart prod?
Where does my true identity lie?
I'm a Treasured Child of the Most High God.

Silence...

In the car the radio's jamming, at home we live to the TV's blare

Stereos,Walkmen, iPods, as long as there's noise we don't really care.

What is there about silence that terribly frightens us so

Being alone with our thoughts, of who we are or what we may know.

Facing the truth that we're disappointed of the person that's living inside

Makes us build walls of noise and distraction, a shelter in which we hide.

But God has a way of removing all the busyness that blinds our eyes

And making us face our reality, stripping away our excuses and lies.

And when we are finally faced with our inadaquacies and fear

In the depths of our solitude we find our Heavenly Father is near.

This is time to admit, so freely to Him, that we fail

And this is His time to love us, and allow his strength to prevail.

We find that we don't have the answers to those questions deep in our mind

About why we're here on this earth, or what we're expected to find.

We're faced without knowing the meaning of the emptiness of our heart

To dwell on these things without resource is enough to tear us apart.

But to all those who choose to seek Him, and trust Him to answer their plea

To them he's given the promise that through His eternal vision they'll see.

Buried Treasure...

Last night my daughter came home and began questioning me on my life (specifically, my love life. A bit of role reversal, but we're close, and we talk...). I told her I was content to wait on God to bring whoever he wanted in my life in his time. Her response was pretty profound, (or so I thought). She said, "Daddy, bury yourself in the heart of God, so whoever she is will have to seek Him to find you."
Wow. That was even deep for me. But the truth of her words have rung in my heart since she uttered them so sweetly and innocently to me last night. Bury myself in the heart of God. I think of David, who wrote so any laments, so many songs of anguish, and yet repeatedly writes of finding his shelter in the Most High... Kind of like burying himself in the heart of God... Under the shelter of His wings (Ps 61:4), In the shelter of his tabernacle (Ps 27:5), The shelter of His presence (Ps 31:20), but always in Him, buried deep, and safe, despite life's tumult...
I sometimes wonder why it is so easy to lose focus, to get caught up in the temperal worries of this world, this life, and then I realized, it is because we are emotional creatures. When God desired community, when he created man and wanted man to freely choose him, to freely love him he made us emotional. Yet, because of sin, the very thing that allows us to feel, to love, to experience the greatest joy of joys now is the greatest detractor to maintaining our focus on God and community with him. Emotion, specifically negative emotions, detract us. Fear, worry, anxiety, anger, lust, misplaced desire... We worry about what happened yesterday, what is happening today, what tomorrow will bring; we are afraid of losing what we have, not having enough, how to make ends meet, we're anxious about everything, angry at others, relationships, friends, co-workers, family... We want what we don't have, we want things we know is wrong, we lose focus...
And yet God is clear; "Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. Matt 6:28-34 (NIV)

Bury myself in God's heart, let him supply all my needs, and wants, and desires as he's promised, and rid myself of worry, and stress, and learn to be content in my circumstances, for God is in control... I think I'll start digging a little deeper, burying myself... You know where to find me...
(PS. The picture is of my daughter and I... I always was a sucker...)

Ownership...

This morning my thoughts are on ownership. Not those things I own, but on those things that may own me. Those are the dangerous things in my life, for they control, and whoever or whatever has control is the one that determines my direction... Let's face it, direction is everything in life. To live is to move, but if the direction is wrong, we waste time and effort, for we find ourselves having to retrace our steps, to change our direction...

This morning I was reading in Mark, chapter 10, about the rich young man who approached Jesus and asked about how he could receive eternal life. He kept the laws, led a good life, really tried to be a good and moral man. The passage says, "Jesus looked at him and loved him." then he told him to sell everything he had, give to the poor, then follow him. And the man went away sad, for he was very wealthy.

Jesus didn't tell the man to sell everything out of spite, or as an object lesson, he loved the man. He looked into his heart, and saw the thing that owned the young man, and said, "Give it up for me, and you will have treasure in heaven". But the young man left, for his wealth owned him. Things own us too. It doesn't have to be money, it can be anything that obsesses us to the point of distraction from him. It could be an addiction; drugs, sex, pornography, food, television, working out... Whatever we aren't willing to part with is exactly what is asked of us...

The sad thing in the story of the rich young man is that he knew the laws and promises of God. He would have been familiar with God's word in Malachi 3:10- "Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse so there will be food in my house. 'Test me in this', says the Lord God Almighty, 'and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room for it.'" The very thing that he refused to give up God wanted to overwhelm him with if he would do it. God asks us to give up those things that own us as an act of obedience, and often returns to us in a good and pure manner the desires of our heart that we sought to fill in our own covoluted way...

I think that one thing many tend to hold on to, that really owns a lot of people, is their time. We all have the same amount of time alloted each day, and yet it seems that life eats up some people's time completely, while others have time to spare; the difference is whether you own your time, or it owns you... Food for thought...

Friendships...

There's a premium today on good friendships, for the more mobile we become as a society the less likely we are to develop and maintain good and healthy friendships... I think we can catagorize our interpersonal relationships into three camps, all three are often thought of as "friendships"...

The first are those relationships in which we nurture another person. We feed them, intellectually, emotionally, and they take their support from us. These are our ministry, if you will.

The second are those relationships where we get fed, where we have someone to turn to in time of crisis, like a mentor. We are their ministry...

The last are those relationships that we feed each other, where there is a mutual benefit in the relationship. These are the true friendships, for they are edifying to each other; they fill our emotional tank even as we fill theirs. These are the most important to seek, and develop, and yet they are the hardest to maintain, for, like a relationship, a good friendship may take work to keep healthy, to properly develop, and work takes time, and time seems to be a luxury that all too few can afford now days. We are too busy doing life to slow down and enjoy life, and to develop good friendships...

Jesus taught multitudes, he touched many lives, but he had 12 friends, and even more telling, only 3 were with him when he was transfigured on the Mount. Three close friends; twelve good friends, and multitudes of people he ministered to... We need all three types of interpersonal relationships in our lives, but we really need friends...

On a personal note: Today is the first official day of Spring. We know this, because the plow came off the Explorer and went into storage until next winter... I look forward to that first sign that summer is officially here; the Explorer sports a canoe on top!

Cave writings...

As I closed my last blog I said I was going to sequester myself in my cave... Well, after a time of loathing, and self-pity I came to realize how dark that cave was. In fact, it was so dark I could no longer see me, and that's when I realized that was the problem. My eyes, my focus was on me. So the pity party ended, and I re-established my connection and my focus. My heart's desire is two-fold. My life's credo is simple: Love God, and love people. No more, no less. I do have other desires in my heart, and truly believe God when he says, "Delight yourself in Me, and I will give you the desires of your heart." (Ps 37:4) He's given me some of those desires, and to be perfectly honest, I've mishandled some and lost them. But he knows my heart, and in his infinite grace and mercy I can only trust that he will restore or replace those desires... So I let them go, and place my trust where he wants it...

I receive compliments about my blog, my writing, and I am truly grateful that it is appreciated, but in the stark light of day I know that I don't have answers, that much of what I write, that is laid upon my heart comes from common sense things most all of us know, but sometimes just haven't brought it into focus. Perhaps I'm like a magnifying glass, allowing people to see a little clearer what they already know, and for that I don't deserve praise. Solomon said that there's nothing new under the sun, and I have to agree with him. Too often we think something is fresh, and new, and exciting, only because we don't know what's gone on before, we are ignorant and blissfully happy as a result. But the more we learn, the more we expand the parameters of our knowledge, the more we see the tracks of others who've gone on before... A few more thoughts, from the cave, and then I'm done...

Today dating has become a lost art. Where once romance had the opportunity to grow, and blossom, and bear fruit, today it is squeezed into a crash course, a time-sensitive, non-commital, "make a mistake and your out" scenerio... Once, before the intenet, and cell phones, text messages, IMs, we had to wait, we had to learn patience, we learned to savor... Today, it's instant gratification, and if it's not met then it's "too bad, we tried", and on to the next. We set up ourselves up for failure, and disappointment. And those of us who have been burned in the past make the possibility of success even more remote, for we decide we are not going to compromise this time, or "settle" (I hate that word) for less than we deserve. The focus is all on "me", and that is a receipe for failure.
Relationships are all about compromise, not from one person, but both sides. It's the art of negotiation tempered with love. It's being willing to sometimes "settle" for a little less in order to get so much more (and for those of you who refuse to "settle" for someone you might like but is not up to your "standards", be really grateful God doesn't have that attitude toward you. Here's a bulletin being passed around heaven about you- your sh** stinks just like everyone else's...) (Actually, my name was on that bulletin, but I intercepted it and scratched it out and out your name in there. Sorry).

Too often we think compromise means giving in, but have you ever really looked at the word? It's made of two parts, "com" and "promise". "Com" means with, or together, or jointly, and "promise" is a declaration or reason to expect performance, especially with the expectation of success, improvement, or excellence. So putting it all together, compromise means to jointly promise to perform in a manner that promotes success, improvement, or excellence. I think that definition is much more palatable than "to make concessions", as Webster's defines it... I know I fall far short relationally, (or I'd be in a great relationship right now!), and although a patient man in many areas of my life, I am impatient relationally. Perhaps I need to step back, and learn more, before putting myself out there... I don't know, but it's food for thought...

I'm only human...

Tonight I find myself full of random thoughts, things forgotton, now recalled, comments I've made and been reminded... Tonight is a bit meloncholy, for I am frustrated, and with myself mainly...

Today I felt really bad about myself, and that is so rare, that I feel sorry for me, but I found myself wishing I were more of an average guy... For those of you who don't know me well this may sound egotistical, and to you I apologize, for it is not. I happen to be a bit different than "average", and occassionally I think it acts detrimentally in my interactions with others... I am an INFJ personality type, the rarest of the 16 types, (INFJ's make up less than 1% of the population), my IQ exceeds 150 (genius 136-141), and my ability to process is in the top 2% of the population... You do the math, I am a bit of an odd duck. It also makes interpersonal relationships challenging sometimes, for I tend to come across as intense, and don't always allow others to process with me... I thought today, if I were more of an average guy, perhaps my desires would be more average, my expectations lower, my relationships easier. I am difficult to be with. I wish I weren't, but I am. I've come to realize this, and realize it will take someone incredibly patient and special to bear with me... Perhaps it isn't fair to expect that of anyone...

I read somewhere once that a mistake only remains a mistake as long as we indulge it. In other words, we can make a mistake, but once we determine our error, and turn from it, it ceases to be a mistake and can be rectified (possibly)... I don't know, I've thought it was true from the first I read it, but I don't know anymore. I think it can only be recified when it affects only ourselves; once it affects another both parties must desire rectification...

I was reminded today that each emotional high is followed by a low... I wonder if the reverse is true; if so I've got a heck of a day coming...

Emotions are so fickle; they can be both the life blood of a relationship and its death knell... When our emotions are true and accurate they can reveal our heart to another, when like are shared they can bond two together, but when they are inaccurate they can evoke a response or reaction that can destroy a relationship.

There's nothing as quite as powerful as a negative emotion...

Tonight there is pain in my heart,

I don't know why, and to be honest I don't care

I just feel like I'm falling apart

like I'm not going anywhere.

I know that my feelings don't make sense

My mind struggles to regain control

I can't relax, so emotionally tense

As I struggle in this hole.

Who do I turn to, when I'm down, when I'm troubled? Who understands me? Thank God, there is one who knows my heart, and holds me close, even when I don't "feel" it, when my emotions lie to my heart... I think I'll go sequester myself in a cave now...

My Tapestry...

Stretched across the Maker's loom
wove by his hand, pared by his knife
A work of wonder since the womb
This is the tapestry of my life.
The design, so flawless and pure
While his hand controlled the weave
But time passed by and I was sure
I could, so I took his leave.
When I sought to weave my way
And control my own design
My tapestry began to fray
And I wanted to resign.
And so I asked him back once more
To weave my life again
And he came thro' my heart's open'd door
Removed the scars, forgave my sin.
Now closely looking at the loom
And the tapestry that's there
You can see the marks of the empty tomb
For he met me there.

Be Still...

In 1082 the Prince of Gurgan, Kai Ka'us ibn-Iskander, wrote a book called "The Qabas Nama", a book of advice to his son, on life as a prince and a man. In one passage he wrote, "Ever be aware of your enemy's activities, secret or otherwise, never feel secure against his treachery against you..." In 1044 the great Chinese leader Tseng Kung-liang wrote, in his book "Wu Ching Tsung Yao" (translated: A Compendium of Military Art) stated that if a man could learn to concentrate on a single subject for three minutes he could rule the world.

What tremendous truths for us even today, for truth transcends the ages.

There's another truth that transcends the ages, and, like the two truths above, we seldom follow, or even take time to learn. It is found in Psalms 46, verse 10. It says simply, "Be still, and know that I am God." Be still; the art of learning to stop. It's learning to pay attention. It's learning to concentrate. Once we learn how to slow down, to stop our hectic pace, then we are finally in a position to know God. We all search for inner peace, we all desire to find meaning, we all long for fulfillment, but it will never be found in the busyness of life. Yet to slow down means to face ourselves, and that can be more frightening than no answers at all. For to face ourselves, and come to the realization that we have no answers, leaves us vulnerable to the pain of the emptiness inside.

Yet to slow down also means we have an opportunity to meet God. God doesn't present himself to us in the blatent, or the obvious. A perfect example is found in I Kings 19, when the prophet Elijah experienced the presence of the Lord passing by. First came a great, roaring wind, but God wasn't in the wind. Next came an earthquake, but God wasn't in the quake. The quake was followed by fire, but God wasn't in the fire. And then, a gentle whisper, and Elijah knew he was in the presence of God. It is possible to experience mighty winds, or earthquakes, or fire while we are busy with life, but to catch a whisper we must slow down, we must stop, we must be still. It is in that time that we most fear, that time we are vulnerable to our inadequacies, that we can turn our eyes from ourselves and see God.

As Kai Ka'us wrote, we need to be ever aware of our enemy, for our enemy is ever aware of us. One weapon of choice of our enemy is busyness. Someone once told me that if the devil can't make us bad he'll make us busy. If he can keep our focus off God he wins. There's nothing so pleasing to him as a people too busy, to afraid (of ourselves!?) to slow down... "Be still, and know that I am God."

Vulnerability...

Sometimes I wonder if a broken heart can ever heal
from those pains and heartaches of days gone by.
For a thought or memory can suddenly make me feel
the stab of betrayal, or the hurt of past lies.

Do I seek shelter in the midst of the emotional squall
Withdrawing behind walls built to shore up my heart
Or do I choose to step out and answer life's call
And take the chance that life won't tear me apart.

If I withdraw behind the walls I may as well surrender
For my heart has been laid siege by the pain of my past
Which seeks to destroy and lay future hope asunder
What hope can hope to stand against such pain that lasts?

And yet there is a hope that can vanquish such a pain
and send it deep into the miry depths of futility
And with that hope we can live and love again
And what do I call this hope? It's name is Vulnerability.

Make me a moon...

This morning, as I was having a personal devontion time, again I was impressed by the description the Bible has of God. The simpliest, purest, definition of God is found in I John 4:16- "...God is love." Imagine that. God's very essence, his entire make-up is love. We often think of God as some celestial being sitting somewhere up in the heavens pulling strings or causing things to happen here on earth. The reality is that God doesn't ever manipulate, he doesn't ever force his will, he doesn't ever "cause" against our free will. Instead, he's here, always all around us, perfect in love, perfect in forgiveness, perfect in justice, but perfect in mercy... If we accept the Scriptures as holy and true then we know that we cannot look upon God in his perfection and live (see Exodus 33: 18-23). It's like trying to look into the sun, (only many times brighter) and burning out our eyes because the glory is too great. But we can still experience the sun, for it is all around us, giving light and warmth. We are aware of it without having to look upon it. Likewise, at night, when the sun is not directly upon us, we still see and benefit from it, for the moon is a pale reflection of the glory of the sun. It has no source power of its own, outside of the sun's reflection, but in our night it is the brightest of all the heavenly bodies... God's love is like sunshine; even if we can't look upon it we can feel it, we can experience it, we can know its always there...

I pray that when I am gone from this earth people don't think of me as a good man, or a prayer warrior, or even a godly man; I pray that the impression I leave behind is that I reflected God's love to those in my world... Lord make me your moon...