This morning I had a comment from "Anonymous", to my "Open Letter" post, and felt compelled to answer more fully in a blog. And so this morning I write to you, my hurting friend, with the hopes that perhaps comfort and some measure of understanding can be found in what meager understanding I may possess...Dear Anonymous,
Your comment struck deeply in my heart. You asked, "How can I possibly fall in love with a man or have love for others when I don't know how to identify love? Books have been written on this very question, and still we don't seem to know. I want to attempt to identify, and perhaps clarify some of the areas we stumble in. (I've written on love in past blogs and encourage you to read them also).
I believe one of the first things we need to do is to differentiate between love and infatuation. Infatuation is great, it's that animal attraction, if you will, that stimulates our emotions, and our desires, that says, "I just can't live without this person". It's the butterflies in the tummy, the toe-curling kiss, that "connection" or chemistry between two people initially. But two truths about infatuation. It's wonderful, and it never lasts. It can come and go in a relationship many times, or come and go just once, but it is not stable, for infatuation is emotion-driven. It is "falling in love" with a person, not being in love with a person. It is possible for you to fall in and out of love many times with the same person, or others.
Love, on the other hand, has two major elements that are often lacking in today's relationships, and they are time and commitment. Love takes time. Time to learn about the one you've become infatuated with, to learn their strengths and weaknesses, their attributes and faults. It takes time to really get to know someone. And as we get to know them we decide that yes, this is that man, or woman, that I want to be with, good and bad, assets and warts, and we commit ourselves to them and the relationship. It is not a decision based on emotion. Often we hear people complain that the excitment is gone, that the relationship is stale, or dead. That is where commitment comes in, for a committed couple will seek ways to recapture that excitement; lack of commitment leads to one or the other seeking it elsewhere. Lack of commitment also leads to other conflict within the relationship, one manifestation being the casting blame on the the other for the failing relationship while there still is a relationship to save.
If you enter in a relationship for a short period of time and think it's love, perhaps determine to give it another six months, or a year, and see if it's still good. Time is the ultimate test for love. If your partner is pressuring you to move faster than you feel comfortable I question if it's love based or infatuation-driven.
With all that being said, I want to address your comment: "As a form of protection I have just shut down, closed off and built a wall around my heart. " My heart aches for you, for I know what it means to withdraw, to close oneself off. The most difficult lesson I've had to learn is to allow myself to be vulnerable, to allow someone to hold my heart after it's been abused by another. And it is a risk, and the potential for pain is there. Personally, I was last in a relationship with a woman with anger-management problems, and over the four years we were together she walked away in uncontrolled anger about 20 times. Every single time I felt like my heart was ripped out- every time. And yet, her anger would cool and she would tell me we "really didn't break up, because [she] didn't feel it in [her] heart". But I did, every last time. And yet, there was good in her, and that relationship, and by allowing myself to re-open and be vulnerable I was able to experience joys and love that would have never been possible if I remained closed off. To the extent we close ourselves off, it is to that extent we rob ourselves of the fullness of love and trust. To fully love is to be be fully vulnerable. To be fully vulnerable is to be willing to fully trust. The risk is great, but the rewards can be overwhelming. Too often we focus on the risk, the potential for pain, and we miss that potential for love, and happiness, and community, and trust, and fellowship that vulnerability can bring. For me to learn to be vulnerable I had to learn to redirect my focus on the potential rewards rather than the potential price...
I want to close with these thoughts; love, in its purest form is selfless. Its attributes are so overwhelmingly good that we should all aspire to them. So if you find yourself in a relationship that seems one-sided, where one is the giver and the other just takes, it's not love. Both sides give selflessly, desiring to please their mate above themself- that is true love. Those attributes I mentioned, of love? Patience, kindness, humility, truthfulness, protecting, trustworthy, perservering, and never failing. What it is not is, envious, boastful, proud, rude, self-seeking, easily angered, a record-keeper of wrongs, or a delighter in evil. So look at your partner, look at yourself. What attributes are being displayed in your relationship, by each of you? Desire to commit to those attributes of love and the relationship will have a rock-solid foundation that will stand the test of time. (You can read these attributes in I Corinthians 13).
If you want to love God, to love Christ then you need to learn to love, period. I John 4:16 says, "God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him". It's pretty simple really. We learn to love people generally, and our capacity to love grows. Then, when we find that special person, that one we feel that desire, that infatuation, we can learn to love specifically. I'd encourage you, my friend, to explore opening up yourself to those nearest you; share your hurts with family, kids, close friends, and begin to remove the walls with their help, to open up and love and trust, so that when that person comes along that you have desire to be with you have already begun the discipline of trusting, and becoming vulnerable. I hope I've said something of value for you this morning, Anonymous, for you've touched my heart by sharing your pain.
Your friend,
Bud
5 comments:
I still sit here just nodding but somewhat always in awe that somehow, somewhere we have traversed many a same path and managed to come through the briars and brambles with some knowledge so similarly. As always, you touch my soul.
It is so nice to hear from you again Texas. Your comments and isights are always "southern grace". Today I was feeling like climbing back into that cave of mine (if you read my personal journalings, link in upper left corner of this blog, you'd understand why), and yet your comments just brightened my day. Thank-you for taking your time and investing in my day!
Hey there,
Anonymous here...thank you so much for taking the time to create a blog in regards to my questions on love. I have been pondering on your comments and wanted to respond to you. I am very familiar with 1 Cor 13 and consider it one of my favorites because it contains all that I wish to experience. I thought about you comments of falling in and out of love and realize that my need for a man came out of my need to feel loved and not being alone was how I defined love, even if it meant being treated horribly. I think about the stages I have experienced...
1) promiscuity- found "love" in sex: being with a man physically filled the void and in the moment made me feel wanted- then morning would come
2) co-dependency- found "love" in being the doormat, during this stage I found myself feeling that I couldn't make it on my own and was convinced that I was nothing unless I was with him which often meant being abused, cheated on and having my life nearly destroyed
3) the user- flipping the script and being the one who would use them and lose them - I really hated who I was during this phase
4) isolation- for almost 8 years I chose to shut myself off to any thoughts of relationship and turned all my focus on my son, my work, and church
5) seeking - this is where I am now...still remaining single, but opening myself up to try to understand what real love is supposed to look like it has become so clear to me that I must first satisfy myself in Christ and find completion in Him alone. I have spent years learning all I can about Christ, but now long to know Him personally, relationally, but it is here that I struggle. However, your words of love takes time have really been on my mind and I have come to realize the importance of the time I need to spend with Christ in order to allow the relationship to develop. See, I know Christ, I have knowledge of so much and a testimony that blows the minds of most at how redeeming God really is, but what I feel that I lack is a true grasp on His love and don't feel that I have an earthly relationship to relate what it might feel like. Hmmmm...thoughts just crossed my mind of the one and only relationship on this earth that I have found love and that is from my son. As I put his name into 1Cor13 everywhere it says love I can truly say that he has shown me love. I cannot believe the revelation I am having as I am typing this. God is so awesome !! Thank you so much for taking time to respond to me and having a place where I can express myself. Please pray that God would continue to help me understand love so that I can experience it in relationship with Christ and hopefully someday in a relationship with a man. Until then I will be meditating on how much of a gift of love He has given me in my son. Thanks again and Good Night !!
Dear Anonymous,
Thank-you for writing. You have been in my thoughts and prayers. I was sitting here reading when your comments came in, and they brought tears to my eyes. I appreciate your willingness to share so openly and from the heart. My heart does ache for you and so many others that desire to know God's all-encompassing love. I think all too often we get an intellectual insight into God, and we believe with our heads, our minds, but not with our hearts. He is our Savior (the intellectual commitment) but not really our Lord (the emotional, or heart commitment). But know this my Friend, God's love, and the love he will demonstrate in community with him is perfect, and his joy will be your joy, and your joy will be complete in Him. There's not a man on this earth that can love you like that, no matter how hard we try, for we are all flawed and imperfect. I would love to love a woman as God loves me, I would love to have that perfect community, that perfect relationship with her, but it won't happen this side of heaven. That doesn't mean we can't, or won't try. But please don't hold man to God's standard. We'll all disappoint you again. (This is where dispensing grace comes into play in a relationship- when we screw up, as we will!)
Thank-you again for writing. It is my constant prayer that if my words would help just one person then my time and effort blogging is worthwhile, to the glory of my God. Tonight we share a "Yea God!" together. You will remain in my prayers.
Bud
Dear Anonymous,
As I was having my devotions this AM you again came to mind, and one thing I wanted to offer you, is under the "View My Complete Profile" tab (in the upper left of the blog, at the end of the "About Me" section) there is an e-mail link that comes directly to me, so if there's something you'd like to share or discuss but not in the open forum of the blog please feel free to use it. I would love to know how you are doing. Please don't feel obligated, but know it's there to use within your comfort zone...
Bud
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