The Failproof Relationship...

It seems like I've been alone a long time now. In reality, it's only been since June, when my daughter got married and moved out and my best little pal died... Relationally it's been much longer, close to a year and a half. Occassionally, when I start to feel down, the memories tend to remind me being alone isn't as bad as being with the wrong person, no matter how much I might have cared. After all, that's the lesson learned- it is better to be alone than to be with the wrong person. I know that goes against societal wisdom, which seems to push us into relationships whether we're ready or not, and often before we know if we even like the other...

I had brunch with my folks Sunday after church. They moved into a new condo about 3 months ago so I've made it a habit of dropping in 3-4 times a week to check on them, help out if needed, etc. Occassionally we have a meal together. I think they really enjoy my company, not just as a son but as a person, for I meet in each of them a different need, a different desire. As we were leaving the restaurant Mom turned to me and said, "We're sure glad you don't have anyone in your life right now. It makes more time for us." I tease her a lot about praying for me, and my relational status, for she is ever vigilant about praying for the right person for me, but I told her I now understand what she's praying for- no woman so I can spend time with them! We laughed, but usually in jest there is underlying truth, if we choose to seek it out. This truth- I'm extremely lucky to have both parents still living and active at my age and theirs, and these are precious memories we're all making for those times when we won't have each other. I'm glad I can recognize the importance of each visit... I pray that my kids will realize sooner, rather than later, or too late, the importance of family, and relationships (not that they don't know now necessarily, but everyone's so busy that sometimes relationships are sacrificed for more "important things" like work, sports, commitments,etc)...

I miss having a hand to hold, eyes to gaze into, lips to kiss, a person to love. I miss companionship. But, I don't miss drama, anger, unrealized expectations. I don't miss the unrelenting pain of being betrayed, no matter what the form. I don't miss the hurt, the agony when my vulnerability is violated... I watch movies now, and if I get emotional at a well-played drama I am not ridiculed for my emotions, for I am alone. I can be completely me, free and easy, with no one or no desire to impress. I don't hurt my feelings, don't forget important dates, I am not insensitive to myself. Sometimes I let myself down, but I'm forgiving of myself, for I know how flawed and broken I am... But I don't have someone with which to share, someone to laugh with, to cry with, to snuggle in the cold, to chase on the beach... For I am alone. The scales swing back and forth...

It's important to realize that being alone is different than being lonely. Society teaches that those who are alone are probably lonely. But I beg to differ. One can be in the middle of a thousand people, be in the midst of a relationship, and be completely lonely while never being alone. Lonely is unmet needs, lonely is unrealized desire. Lonely is recognizing the hole in one's heart and not knowing how to fill it.That happens when relationships are wanting. Alone is not lonely... While ocassionally I feel lonely the feeling passes, for I am never alone. Most of my relationships may be flawed or fail, but I have one that never fails me, no matter how often I fail it. It is my relationship with Jesus Christ. He never lets me down... Food for thought...