Commitment...

I have long admired Michael Jordan. Not because he's most probably the greatest basketball player of all time, and certainly not for some of the lifestyle choices he's made, but I've admired Michael because he's a man of commitment. I remember in the early glory days of the Chicago Bulls, when they were in the midst of winning their first three championships, and Michael was approached by a reporter and questioned about his contract. You see, the Bulls had just resigned several players and they all made more than MJ. In fact, MJ still had several years left on his contract and was sure to be considerably underpaid in relation to his teammates and the rest of the league for the balance of his contract. The reporter asked MJ if he was going to seek a rengotiation of his contract (which the Bulls were sure to do) and his reply was, "No, I signed to play for this amount and I will honor it. When this contract is over I will ask for what I'm worth and if the Bulls want me they'll pay me." And if memory serves me correct, his last year of his contract paid him $2.3 million dollars. The following year he asked for $16 million, and the Bulls countered with $20 million. That is honoring commitment.

Commitment is a lost art today. It is cheap, selfish, and covenient for most people. Commitment is good as long as it makes us happy, but when it stops, we bail. That's not commitment. True commitment is a willingness to demonstrate responsibility. It has nothing to do with our right to be happy, and everything to do with our right to be mature and responsible. Today many choose to defer from their relational responsibilities in favor of individual happiness, which selfishly is the driving motivator for many today. Commited people are persistantly responsible, and ultimately find a much deeper well of happiness and satisfaction because of their actions... There's nothing fleeting, nothing temporary about commitment.

(I've been told on many occassions I should be committed- Is this what they mean? Food for thought...)

Pivital points...

I've often said that there's nothing so powerful as recalling a negative emotion. If I took the time to read back through all my blogs I'd guess that I've even written it a time or two, because it is a truism that I have enjoyed quoting. This morning I realized that I am wrong. While it is true that negative emotions can be incredibly powerful, and can impact our memories fror years to come, it is not true that they are the most powerful.

This morning in church, the message was about growth, and how God will "prune" us to develop the character and the person he wants us to be. One point of the message was how we face growth at "pivital points" in our lives, usually those times we find ourselves despairing in one of life's valleys. As I sat there and listened I recalled a pivital point in my life, a time I was mired deep in one of those valleys, and the power of those negative emotions welled my eyes with tears as I sat there.

I have three children today, two sons, 27 and 24, and a daughter 21. Some twenty-three years ago I had another daughter who, at 8 1/2 months in the womb, turned and strangled on her umbilical cord. I can still remember, as vividly as if it were yesterday, inducing labor and delivering a beautiful baby girl. As I held that lifeless form of my beautiful baby daughter the pain, the grief so overwhelmed my broken heart. Later, I found myself sitting alone in one of the waiting rooms in the hospital and I recall praying, "God, I have loved and follwed you; how can you take my baby girl, something so precious, so wonderful to me?" And He answered my heart, so clearly that I remember opening my eyes and looking around, to see where the voice came from. He said,"You lost a child you never knew; I lost my son whom I knew forever." And as I sat there I felt the Father, greiving with me; two fathers sharing unbearabble pain together. In that moment, that experience, I knew the awesome presence of God, and comfort and peace that surpasses all understanding. In my lowest moment God was there, and holding me close to His heart, safe in his hand. That day I learned that there is something that is far more powerful than a negative emotion- it is the comfort and security of the Father. It's just taken me twenty-some years to realize it.

Today's lesson is this: You can't experience and appreciate God's comfort without first experiencing pain... Food for thought...

Cayman Comaroderie...

I spent this past week with my daughter, on a cruise to the Cayman Islands. What a wonderful time, and wonderful memories to warm my heart in years to come. A week together sharing a little cabin and not one problem, not one cross word, not one disagreement... I was so blessed and amazed...

There was an incident one day however, that I found very interesting. My daughter and I were out by the pool soaking up some rays when the guy on the other side of Ali started up a conversation with her. She has a tattoo on her wrist and another on her foot. He was questioning her decision to get them, and sharing "wayward" decisions he made in his youth. Both of Ali's tatts have significance to her faith so she began to share with him their significance. Clearly he was a skeptic, and it led him to ask some seriously troubling questions. To Ali's credit, she responded in a non-confrontational manner, but clearly he was trying to trip her up. I decided to inject myself into their discussion.

The first comment this guy says is," I'm 57 years old, and I've found I can ask 5 different Bible scholars the same question about something in the Bible and get five different interpretations on what it means. So who's supposed to be right?" I responded, "I know what you mean; that irritates me too. I wish they would put aside their personal beliefs and interpretations and just take their answer from the Bible without trying to add to what God has to say." All of a sudden we were on the same side of his argument and he went from being irritating to being inquistive. He shared how early in his "search for meaning" in his life he was turned off by religious zealots that tried to force their beliefs down his throat- can't drink, can't smoke, can't watch movies, etc. until he was so turned off that he just walked away from "religion". It sadden me, for I'd heard that same story all too often. There were these same people in Jesus' day- they were called "Pharisees"...

My new friend began to ask questions, real issues that had bothered him, and we engaged in some real and honest dialogue. I think he was a little embarassed, because several times he said, "One more question then we're gonna stop talking about this"... We were still talking strong a half hour later. When we finally wrapped up our conversation he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, I gotta get back to church more often." I couldn't help but think that this was exactly the kind of heart Jesus seeks... When questioned by the religious leaders of his day on why he ate and "consorted" with tax collectors and sinners Jesus replied, "I came to heal the sick, not the healthy." Ifr Jesus came today I think many in our churches would be astounded to find him in the malls, and bars, and places people gather- but not necessarily in their church. I think that speaks volumes ... Food for thought...

A dream...

I had a dream...



I was cast away, on a sea of lonliness, darkness lay heavy all around. I sensed the prescence of others, but the inky black of midnight left them as lost as I. My heart longed for respite, for direction, but I remained adrift...

After what seemed an eternity I felt a summons; not so much audible, but a call to my heart. Suddenly I felt direction, purpose to my drifting, and frantic at the thought of losing it I paddled through the night, until my eyes beheld a light breaking on the horizon.

As the dawn broke I could see a rough shore ahead, the surf pounding mercilessly on the rocks, and though the way seemed difficult, perhaps too difficult, I determined that if fate had set this course for me so I must continue on, to pursue the pull on my heart...

After much dilegence I managed a landfall, a lonely, savage shore, yet beautiful in its aloofness. I wondered what land this was, so lonely, yet so beautiful. There was a suggestion of a path, where some person or persons might have gone on before, and so I set off to see where it might lead. I soon found the trail steepened, became more difficult to ascend, and the rocks I climbed sliced razor-sharp through my palms, my knees, as I sought to scramble over one barrier after another. Still something inside drove me on, something inside gave me pause to realize that I was not the first to walk this path of pain. With all my strength, my dilegence, my desire I continued on- until...

Suddenly, coming over the rocks the path descended into a narrow gorge, a mere slit in the face of the rock, barely wide enough for me to squeeze through. I half slid, half fell to the bottom where to my surprise the way was blocked by a massive oaken door. It was magnificent in it's day, set directly into the rock, no hinges, no handle allowed me access. I saw I was not the first to reach this point, for the door bore the marks of those before me. Some had tried to hack their way through, leaving gashes and scars on the beautiful wood, orthers had tried to set fire to it, to burn their way through, for the charred marks marred the beauty of what once was. My heart hurt that such beauty could be so damaged, that some were so cruel to try to destroy something so beautiful, so I set out to repair what damage I could.

From the side of the trail I scooped sand and began to gently caress and rub the char and brands of the fire away. I found a stone, flat and smooth, and gently massaged the slashes and cuts out, to restore the beauty that once was. My labors were long, but I could see the beauty being restored, and, to my surprise, the door responded to my loving touch, and swung inward...



And I walked into your heart...

I Get No Respect...

Today was my day of annual self-reflection. It's the one day a year I've come to set aside specifically to be with myself- I figure if I can stand myself for a whole day then there's hope that others can stand me in smaller doses. My daughter however, doesn't honor my desire to be alone, to wallow in self-pity over my lot in life, and has insisted on injecting herself in my day. Is it asking too much to want one day a year to just be alone!? This year, despite my best efforts to sequester myself away, to seclude myself and tell all I was feeling ill, still my daughter came over to "share" in my day. And my brother dropped by. And this evening both my parents came over and insisted on visiting. Do I get no respect? And to top things off, my phone rang all day. I heard from people that rarely ever call. Why can't I have one day to call my own!? After all , everyone who called said to "enjoy my day". My parents, brother, and daughter, all called it 'my day". Yet I couldn't have it without sharing it with everyone else. So what's the big deal?

Today I turned 51... I guess a birthday isn't the best day to choose to be alone...



Just a PS here... I wrote this tongue-in-cheek. I am not really upset that I had company on my birthday- indeed, I am honored that people chose to remember me on this day. So a heartfelt "thank-you" to all who made my day special...

'Til Death does it's part...

As I grow older and begin to see and hear that friends and aquaintances are dying, passing away with increasing frequency I am left facing that ultimate reality- one day my time will come to discover I'm a very, very old man with no friends left... Seriously, one day we all must face that thought of death. All too often we find people at death's door, wanting to right wrongs, seek forgiveness, mend relationships... One truth that seems evident- most don't want to leave this life with unfinished business, but it seems all too frequently we find we're using our last breaths trying to make amends...
What if, instead of waiting until the very last minute, we choose to live our lives as if each day was our last? What if treated each person we came in contact with as if it were the last time we would ever see them? Would it change our behavior? Would we treat people with more kindness, love, and respect? How would we be treated in return? Would that love, and kindness. and respect be reciprocated? I think, living each day as if were our last, would increase the quality of our lives... Live like Jesus; Love like Jesus... Food for thought...

Our Most Priceless Commodity...

Our most priceless commodity, of all that we can attain or are given, costs us exactly nothing. Our most priceless commodity cannot be bought, but when we have it we all spend it. It would be nice to think we spend it wisely, but at some point we are all guilty of wasting it. And we can never get it back, but God, if He is gracious, gives each of us more, each day... That gift is time. Time. We all have the same amount each day, to use as wisely or as foolishly as we please. For some of us, this day, or the morrow, or one day soon, we might run out of our time. But there is one truth we can rely on; one day we all run out of time. It is that time, just before those sands of time finish trickling through the hourglass of our lives that we tend to reflect, most often on how we've spent our time. Why do we wait until the end of our time to reflect on how it was spent? Is it that we finally realize that is the most precious thing we have and soon it will all be gone?

Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could learn to live aware, to live in the moment, to appreciate each minute, each second of time that we have? Wouldn't it so greatly expand our experiences if we appreciated them while we were actually living them? To enjoy the journey as much as the destination? To not just see roses, but to inhale their aromatic essence, to feel the silkiness of their petals, the harsh sharpness of their thorns? To experience a rose... But we move too fast through our lives to actually slow down and live them. Gotta work to make money to pay bills, and buy things, that cost money to run, or fix, or replace. We have doctor appointments, and soccer practice, piano lessons, grocery shopping, meals to fix, homework to do, TV to watch, games to play, friends to see, places to go... It never ends, and we let it carry us faster and faster through life until each thing on our list is a destination, and the journey to get there blurs into all the others... What if the journey were more enjoyable than the destination? What if that time was well spent? Perhaps our world would begin to slow down, perhaps we would learn that there is beauty and life going on all around us that we never even realized existed... Perhaps our lives would take on a slower pace, but one with flavor, with more substance, with the essence of life, not just existing... Food for thought...

PS. If you tend to disagree with this post all I can say is, by reading this there's several minutes you'll never get back!!

He Is Risen!

This is the the most important celebration of my year, for today is the anniversary of the followers of Christ arrivivng to find the empty tomb, for Christ had risen, defeated death, and gave hope to a fallen world. He is my hope, and this day I celebrate his tremendous sacrifice for us, for me. Not everyone stops to appreciate the meaning of Easter; indeed to some it's all about candy, and colored eggs, but that's not Easter. Easter is the culmination of a gracious and loving God's plan, a plan to re-establish community that man had broken, through the sacrifice of His Son as the price for our sin. In this act of sacrifice God's perfect love satisfied his perfect justice for the sin of this world. We can see and embrace a love like no other, and a grace that is almost incomprehensible to our human nature...

Today is the very crux of Christianity. Many call themselves "Christian" today, because it has become politically acceptable and advantageous, but only the acceptance of His gift, the embracing of Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior, only through a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, the risen Lord, is one truly a Christian, or Christ follower... And today we celebrate!

Born too late...

I think I was born in the wrong era... In my lifetime I have seen our world shrink so dramatically, become a global community, where our entire world is now our neighborhood... There's something inside me that cries out to lose myself in nature, to walk or ride where no man has gone before- but I am several centuries too late for that...

I think I was born too late in another respect- I am just not geared for this "instant" society we live in... I have learned that there is great joy in taking things slow, enjoying the trip rather than total focus on the destination. We are in such a hurry to aquire "things" that we miss out on the truly valuable things in life... There is anticipation in having to wait, that only heightens our appreciation when finally we are able to partake... Baking from scratch always tastes better than "box" baking- they can't box the care and love you put in to your own creation...

I'm finding I'm in the wrong era in the dating world now too... Everyone is in a hurry to meet someone, to get in a relationship that they don't take the time to find out if they really like the other person, or if they are indeed liked in return! How can one be a lover if not first a friend? It's a mystery to me, but not something on which I am willing to compromise myself... Must be true to myself, no? I think we lose so much when we forfeit time in building our relationships... I see so many women literally begging for romance in their relationships, but failing to understand that romance is a product of time and desire on the part of a male... We don't just "get romantic"- it is a natural oveflow of the heart when we seek out and pursue the one who catches our fancy. Romance is part of the mating ritual- the act of seducing the will, the winning of the heart of the one we cherish and desire. Yet it takes time to develop, and in this "instant gratification" society time is the first casualty, and following right behind, romance...

As long as I'm rambling, what is it that draws women to the "bad boys"? Is it that they think they're wild, and the woman entertains some hope of taming them? Is it that they think they are more exciting, because they could "get" any woman, but they've chosen you? Here's a newsflash- bad boys are bad. They are selfish and self-serving.They've learned how to manipulate and use women and they are smart enough to get out before they are "tamed"... And in the end you get hurt, because you cared and they didn't... Take it from a former bad boy... In my younger days I dated many women, broke many hearts, and today it is not something I'm proud of. Today I'm proud that I've learned that behavior was destructive, and hurt people. Today I'm proud that I've learned the importance of being vulnerable, of being sensitive to my partner's needs, and wants, and desires. I've learned that it is more important to treasure each night with one woman, than a different woman every night... I guess I've become boring...

Island Community...

I sometimes think I am strong, an island, capable of standing alone through the storms of life. A few months ago I walked away from a woman I love because she was incapable of loving me back, because for any relationship to survive there needs to be a mutuality of giving... It was perhaps one of the most difficult things I've had to do, yet I did it to protect my heart... I thought I could weather the pain and disaster of the situation alone, and indeed I fooled myself into believing I was handling it well, but my God knew better...

A good friend, far better than I could ever have imagined, came from New York to visit me this past weekend, in part because she knew how deeply a wound of the heart can be, for she's grieved through her own. She spent the weekend just being my friend, listening to countless memories from a relationship now dead, mostly just listening and being there, occassionally sharing or counseling out of the experience of her wounds... And I learned once again, I am not an island, I lose something special trying to stand alone. There is nothing more comforting than community when we deal with grief. Our most base response is to squirrel ourselves away, and be alone with our misery. But community allows our grief, our burden to be shared, shared by others who care, who are compassionate and empahetic, and it is lessened, lighter, easier to bear...

I read once that even though we might be living in present pain or disaster that after grieving through our pain we can and will live again. The secret lies in our response to our pain. if we choose to allow it, our pain can narrow the generosity of our heart, and can make us too self-protecting, too careful, or it can make us more sensitive, more helpful, more generous. It all depends on the creative response to our heart, our pain, our grief... I believe that this past weekend I again learned a valuable lesson- community gives us a much better chance of responding positively to such powerful negative emotions and situations... Community gives hope of a better tomorrow, of a brighter future, of the opportunity to live creatively in the present despite pain and grief... So to my friend I give heartfelt "thanks" and an undying gratude for your selfless act of reaching out to me... You are greatly appreciated...

Potpouri Politics...

I have avoided writing politics in my past but in today's economic situation it can't help but creep in sooner or later... I have been following with some interest the plight of our automakers, especially these past several years, because they are a microcosim of our economy. Today they are virtually bankrupt, receiving government bailout monies, and not changing failed practices still.
Years ago our automakers had the opportunity to observe our foreign competitors and change themselves to be competitive. Honda and Toyota were producing better quality products cheaper, better engines that were lighter resulting in more efficiency and mileage, and their plants were half the size and people but turning out the same production. As American automakers tried to modernize and keep up our unions throttled the efforts by bulking at the idea of losing jobs or concessions. GM created a "job bank" for those employees whose jobs were eliminated. They still carried employees who were basically dead weight, plus the cost of retirees' health care and pensions... They spend about 7 billion a year on retired or past employees... Meanwhile our foreign competitors opened factories here, in the US with non-union workers and none of the dead weight. They are leaner, more cost effective, and profitable.
Today Detroit is half the population as in it's glory days in the 1950's. Houses that sold ten years ago in excess of a hundred thousand dollars can be bought for ten thousand or less. The future of our auto industry is in shambles, and the unions still refuse to concede. So what's the answer?

Our current administration (and our elected officials on both sides of the aisle) seems to think bailouts are the answer. My question is: "What problem has ever been solved by throwing money at it?" If history has taught us anything it is that unregulated spending only creates bigger problems. The "temporary social programs" that were instituted in the 1930's to pull us out of the depression has cost our nation hundreds of billions of dollars since, for those temporary programs still exist today with minimal positive effect. Our welfare system is a mess, Social Security has been in trouble for years... "Temporary" programs that threw money at a problem. (Another of many examples: the Department of Energy was established in the early 1970's with one mandate: Reduce our dependence on foreign oil. Today that department employs over one hundred thousand people and spends billions of dollars and we are more dependent on foreign oil than ever).
I believe that giving money to people without the ability to earn it robs them of self-worth, and eventually self-esteem. People who earn their way have a pride in themselves, and a sense of worth. We've stolen that from thousands and thousands of people. If people need money to get through a rough patch I say okay, let's help them out, but let them earn it. Let them feel like they deserve what they're getting.
I also believe that once upon a time unions had a place and a purpose in our society. Today our government has assumed the role that unions once played- keeping business fair. Instead, today unions need to be regulated as much as industry. Today unions have outlived their usefulness and now are strangling free comerce. We cannot compete, as a nation, with other countries if we have to rely on union labor. Unions claim to be for the "worker" but are often more corrupt than any business. There is not the incentive to excel within the structure of the union, for individual effort is not recognized within the union contract. Quality of work is established at the level of the weakest union member. It is the opposite result of the concept of competition for better quality products in a free enterprise system.

Perhaps the answer can be found in the basic tenets of the free enterprise system on which our country was founded. The efficient survive, the inefficient die. Instead of throwing money at the failed policies of our automakers, instead of bailing out the failed practices of our banks let them fail. In their place new, more efficient, better managed and regulated businesses would emerge. And our economy would begin to heal, would strentghen, would lead once again. Instead of throwing money at our problems we should begin to reward excellence again, to pay for incentive. We should allow non-union businesses to grow without being picketed or harrassed by union employees who feel threatened by those who acheive excellence on their own individual merit, who don't rely on the stranglehold of a union contract for "automatic" raaises or advancement.
We should also reduce the size of our government. We have hundreds of thousands of governmental employees, only a small fraction of whom are elected. Our government is highly inefficient and needs to be overhauled. As any industry, the larger it grows the more likely the accumulation of "dead weight" is to occur. And, as any company that desires to be profitable knows, purges are necessary to remain a profitable and viable entity. We are leaving our children and grandchildren incredible debt- much could be allieviated within our lifetime by simply reducing the size of government and purging some of its dead weight...

We won't see any of these changes however, for the very people who need to fix the problem are the very ones who are guilty of corrupting it. To fix our economy right would spell the end of the golden goose that so many politicians have reaped the benefits from... Change takes time; without change to correct the failed policies money is just a tempory "quick fix" and when it's spent the problems remain...
On a more personal level, we need to learn to live within our means. We have lived extravagantly, in the eyes of the world, for a long time. We accumulate debt, not for necessities but for our pleasures. We need to learn to live wisely, to save for difficult times, and learn to curb recreational spending. Or we all better learn to speak Chinese, for they will end up buying all our debt and owning our country...

Spring Thunderstorm...

It's been a long time since I really enjoyed a good thunderstorm... I don't remember the last time I was not working, or sleeping, or otherwise too involved to just listen and enjoy and marvel at the majesty of a good thunderstorm... But today is that day, when I pause my movie and just enjoy the roll of thunder as a backdrop to the tinkle of the waterfall above my fireplace. How content is this, the water bubbling, the flames below dancing, Winston curled up asleep next to the hearth just drinking in the warmth, and thee occassional rumble of thunder to complete the picture... The only thing possibly missing is someone to snuggle up next to me, wanting to be held close as we enjoy Nature's symphony... I know she's out there somewhere; I wonder if she's making her own thunderstorm memory today also?

Never Really Alone...

Tonight I am alone, yet I am not lonely, for I have memories, I have those thoughts of things that bring pleasure, and those memories still elicit good feelings,,,

Satin soft sheets, warm and inviting, feeling butter-smooth as I slip inside...

A fire dancing in the fireplace, or better yet, the smell of woodsmoke and the bite of an autumn breeze on the back of the neck as my cheeks glow rosy by the firepit on the deck...

That first sweetly tart explosion on the tongue as I bite into a chocolate-covered strawberry...

The smell of fresh-cut grass and the satisfaction of a lawn well-done...

The caress of someone special, velvety soft kisses...

The bite of an ice-cold Diet Coke on a hot summer day...

In a canoe, out on the water as day begins. Sitting quietly as the deer come to the water's edge to drink; the hawks saoring high above, fish jumping here and yon around me...

A hug from my daughter...

The tension of a thrilling movie; the spell of a gripping novel...

And so many more tantalizing and teasing my mind. And yet I'm reminded, I'm not really alone, just me and my thoughts, for Winston is cuddled snuggly on my lap...

Agape...

I was reading this morning, in my devotions, about love, and I was reminded again of a truth that I don't think our society has yet embraced, and yet it probably explains so many failed relationships... That truth is that we cannot love until we first learn to receive love. Love is learned; it is not that emotional response to our hormones, true love is not fickle or brittle. Love is fluid, and accepting, and intentional. "We love God because He first loved us" (I Jn 1:9). First we receive, then we give.


Relationally if we expect our mate to give us love then we must first allow them to receive (our) love. Yet I wonder how many people have grown up never really experiencing true love, or agape love, as the Bible calls it. I call it "in-spite of" love. I think there's three kinds of love: "IF" love, "BECAUSE" love, and "IN SPITE OF" love. Most people have a handle on the first two, but few really understand the third. I love you IF you do/act/perform a certain way. Or, I love you BECAUSE you did/said/acted a certain way. Not true love folks. True love says I love you in spite of your words, or actions, or shortcomings. I just love you for you. I accept you without reservation or justification.



How many of us grew up feeling we needed to earn love? Perhaps that is why we are so relationally bankrupt as a society today. Skyrocketing divorce, failed relationships, family breakdowns-unconditional love loves unconditionally, and it overcomes so many relational obstacles. But if we learned we need to earn love then we don't except love until we feel worthy, and our human condition leaves us feeling unworthy. So we never learn to just accept love, so we never learn to give love, to love unconditionally, even as we are unconditionally loved.



I think of times in relationships when I've loved and felt rejected, and I remember how painful that was, and I realized an incredibly painful truth. If indeed there is a God, and if indeed He loved us enough to send his only son to die for the sins of this world- your sin and mine- and if indeed his only condition to that love and forgiveness is our acceptance, can you try to imagine how painful His love must be by the wholesale rejection of this world? Can you imagine that each time someone chooses not to believe in Him, chooses to reject His love, the pain it must cause Him? And still He loves- Agape love, in spite of us. God, please allow me to accept your love and learn to love like you.

A Broken Heart- The final Chapter...

This past week I was reading through some of my past blogs and ran across one from last February 24th, (2008) entitled "A Broken Heart"... I was amazed to read my feelings in that blog were exactly then where I found myself just a few weeks ago- same feelings, same relationship. Only this time I called it quits. This time it was time to walk away. After two years in a relationship with someone who was emotionally closed off, who is afraid to be vulnerable, who is afraid to love, I called it a day. But I've learned...



I learned that no matter how hard you might want a relationship to work, no matter how much you might love, there is no guarantee of success if the feelings aren't mutual. No matter how hard you might try, no matter how much you might give, it will never be enough if your mate, your partner is not willing to invest emotionally also.



It was difficult to walk away, because our relationship was built on a great friendship. I will sorely miss that friendship, and indeed, I was asked if we could continue that friendship when I said I thought it was time for me to move on- but alas, as good as that friendship was the reality is it cannot continue, at least the way it was. You see, a relationship built on a great friendship is on rock solid ground, but a friendship that evolves into a relationship rarely survives, because one cannot go back, and once you've allowed yourself to be vulnerable with another, to love another, it hurts far too much to try and "just be friends", especially when one or both moves on to another relationship. So the reality is it will wither and eventually die. But I am at peace with my decision, for the time has come for me to protect my heart, to search for one who is willing to give, as well as receive, love.



Sometimes things just don't work out how we want them to. Sometimes you can have two really good people, who really like each other, who get along great, who seem so compatible, and still not have it work. It comes down to a willingness to be vulnerable- by both...

I think I need to start writing more consistently again...

Settling...

A friend stopped by my office this past week and, after some preliminary pleasantries, informed me he was "having marital problems again". Now this is a good Christian man, a good Christian couple, long married with grown kids and now grandkids... This wasn't the first time he'd told me this either... In the past we've discussed what is right or wrong, what we felt God would desire him to do, but this time was a bit different. This time my friend battles cancer and he felt the meds he's taking might be influnecing behavior. So we talked about grace, extending and receiving, and about acting outside the box, or doing some unexpected kindness, or act that was totally outside his norm, not as a apology, but to say, "Despite our difficulties I still love you, I still care". I could tell it was clearly outside his comfort zone...

Our discussion turned to the possibilities of divorce, and the relational advantages and disadvantages of it. After a bit he made a very profound summary, which, in a nutshell, was: "I guess it's just easier to take some occassional crap than to start all over." After a pause I guess I had to agree. In my youth, my idealist years, I believed that change was possible, even probable, if things weren't what I thought they should be. As I've matured I've come to realize that change often just means exchanging one set of baggage for another. I began to learn to weigh each relationship, each obstacle, in my life to see if the good still outweighed the bad and, if so, to remain with it. Change usually only occurs now when the bad outweighs the good. In essence, I've learned to settle somewhat. And settling isn't always bad. I think that, if we don't leaqrn to settle to at least some degree we end up without any meaningful depth to our relationships, we end up outside of meaningful community, we end up alone, and lonely... I am glad I learned settling isn't so bad, and I hope my closest relationships appreciate it too!

Self Examination...

I think most people have a good capacity for unbiased judgement in most areas, but as a people we tend to allow our emotions, our biases, to affect our judgements of those things or people most dear to us. And no one is closer to us than we are to ourselves. I think this is why we have such difficulty in seeing ourselves as others see us. We see ourselves as informed; others see us as a gossip or know-it-all. We tell ourselves we are social, others see us as flirty, or a threat to their relationship. We might see ourselves as funny or witty, others see us as crude or obnoxious. Whatever the case we tend to hold ourselves in the best possible light in our own mind, which is good for healthy self-esteeem.

We run into problems relationally however, when our perception of ourselves and the reality of how another views us is in conflict. We tend to passionately defend our own view of ourself while (sometimes passionately) dismissing the opposing view as inaccurate, or wrong. Our capacity for unbiased self-examination is clouded by our emotions; our defensiveness at having our very being ""attacked", our desire not to acknowledge we might be "wrong" or different that we percieve ourselves to be, our fear that we might somehow be less [appealing] than we think we are. The causal effect is relational disharmony. And we tend to blame the other party because, after all, we see ourselves differently than they do. Our truth can be radically different than their truth. And in the end, the relationship pays the price. I think this was the principle the Apostle Paul wrote about when he said there may be many things you personally find acceptable, but if your actions cause a brother to stumble then don't do it, for you are wrong, not him for inability to accept it.

If we could develop the ability to listen to our mates, (or spouses, or partners, or companions-name them as you will), and try to see ourselves as they see us, through the lens of their experiences, we might find that the very things we find acceptable within ourselves are highly stressful to our partner and may be creating avoidable stress that might ultimately destroy the relationship. If it is damaging to one we love is it not concievable that we consider modifying whatever that stressor is for the good of the other and our relationship? Yet our world is filled with failed relationships, and almost universally it was the other person's fault for the failure of the relationship. Why? We only see us, our side, and then we don't have to shoulder blame or failure. And for the most part we are a selfish, self-centered society, which teaches us that you grab for all you can get and try to hang on; certainly not the idea of putting others first, even if that other is one you claim to love.

Personally, I have tried to go back and examine my past relationships, especially those that failed, and own my responsibility for those failures. I have found it to be a growth experience. I have also found that unless two parties are willing to communicate openly and be receptive to [what we might feel are criticisms] from our mate in areas of stress the relationship is in trouble. An example would be if one person had trust issues stemming from infidelites against them in the past and the other partner consistently acted in a manner that tested that trust but did no "wrong" then where is the fault when the relationship ultimately stumbles and falls? Is it the partner who had trouble trusting, or is it the partner who seemed to repeatedly test the trust by flirting or acting in a manner that seemed inappropriate to the other? The reality is both will walk away blaming the other for the failure, when in light of that reality if the other person was more important that our own need to be right the relationship could have easily been saved. But communication is key, as is our willingness to put aside our own egos and be willing to view ourself as another sees us. Then, if that person, that relationship is important enough to us, we might be willing to take whatever steps necessary to save it.

But the question remains: Can we put aside ourselves for the greater good of our relationships, and how do we do that without becoming a "relational doormat"? There's a fine line that we have to be careful of crossing, where we become enablers. The only way for a relationship to work properly, to be sufficient for both parties, is if both parties are willing to put the other first. Then it becomes mutually fulfilling. Anything less is ultimately doomed to failure.

Nightmare...

Yesterday afternoon tragedy struck my world, suddenly and without warning, like a lightning bolt out of a clear blue sky... My best pal in the world, my (almost) constant companion, my compadre, was acidentally struck down. My heart, my very world, seemed to come to a grinding halt when my friend was struck squarely in the head with an errant throw of a softball. As I watched his little 3.2lb body stiffen up as he slid into an immediate unconscious state I felt as though it were me who was struck. As I scooped his tiny body up and we rushed him to an emergency ER it was all I could do not to pass out myself. I was clammy, cold, scared to death inside. my friend was in serious trouble...

The first 24hrs were the most critical, and Winston did come out of his unconscious state, and has shown some responsiveness, and these are positive signs, but there's still a long way to go. At this writing he still hasn't been able to eat, nor has he been able to stand on his own (his front legs aren't yet working right), but the prognosis is much better than a day ago. We keep being reminded that head trama takes time to heal, and recovery may take months, but I am not one to rule out miracles. I've seen them with my own eyes. I've experienced the unbelievable, the unexplainable, the fantastic, so I will continue to pray that God will interject himself in my world one more time...

Winston is the most personable, loving, incredible dog you could ever hope to meet. He was "personality plus". There was no one that didn't love him when they met him, and no one he didn't show love to back. He was, and is, simply the best. Please pray with me that Winniw will have a full and complete recovery... soon. Thank-you my friends.