Push a rope...

We all want what we want from others, but getting what we want sometimes seems so difficult. Why? Because it's like trying to push a rope. The rope doesn't go anywhere, it constantly veers off course, and ultimately its a mess. You just can't push a rope. Nor will you fare any better trying to push your agenda on other people.

However, if we take time to ask others about themselves, learn from them their interests, their desires, we can "pull" them from great distances to where you want o be. Just as a pulled rope comes to the source of the pull straight and true so will others come with whom we've taken the time to put their interests ahead of our own. The influence one creates through pulling can be vast, and limitless.

It's all about learning to be more selfless in our dealings with others. Putting them first often results in our own desires being met. Just the opposite of what most people think or do... Food for thought.

A good ribbing...

It's been a while since I last blogged, but life's not been stagnant... I went down south for a family get-together a few weeks ago and while playing in the hotel pool with extended family I landed on the edge of the pool and cracked a couple of ribs... What a miserable injury! There's nothing really to be done except wait for them to mend. I can't laay down to sleep so I sleep sitting in a chair. Coughing, sneezing, yawning are all sharply painful, like sticking a knife in my ribs. Just wrap and wait...

Needless to say, my patience has been streched pretty thin these last three weekss, but patience has never been my strong suit. Perhaps I'm going to need patience in my near future, and this is God's way of helping me grow mine... I don't know, but I won't be surprised if it works out that way. Meanwhile, I'm really getting tired of breaking bones... Lord, give me patience!

Life is a River...

I spent this last weekend up in Ontario, Wisconsin, canoeing the Kickapoo River on Saturday. The Kickapoo is a winding, snaking river, full of rocks, deadfalls, and other assorted pitfalls, all with the intent to challenge your skills as you navigate the river... It is a fun river to canoe, whether it's your first experience or fiftieth...

As I was sitting out on the porch of our rented log cabin Saturday night, just reminicing the trip, it occurred to me that life is alot like that river... Despite gravel bars, or deadfalls, or whatever, blocking the river, the river still managed to find its way over, under, or around whatever obstacle it might be. It occurred to me that that's how life is; no matter what obstacles are thrown in our path life continues on. It becomes our task, our job, to overcome the obstacles and continue on in the flow of life.

When we stopped for lunch we put over to the side of the river, tight against a rock face, and I remember how the river continued to flow by, constantly pulling at us to engage "the flow", and it took an effort on our part not to slip back into the current. Life is like that, always engaging us, inviting us to join in. When we decide to remove ourselves life will continue on, it will pass us by, until we re-engage ourselves and enter its flow once more...
Life is a flow, and we can ride with it and experience it in all its glory, or we can remove ourselves and stagnate off to the side, alone. Whatever the obstacle in our path, whatever is hindering you from experiencing the flow, work to overcome it and rejoin us in life... It's worth the effort!
Food for thought...

React or Respond?

I came into work this morning and found a note that an old "friend" called and wanted me to return his call... It was someone I knew for many years through business dealings, but about a year ago he really cheated me in a business transaction. I called many times to see if we could try and rectify the situation, but despite several dozen calls, he would never talk to me. Finally, his bookkeeper told me that he knew I was upset and he wasn't going to talk to me.
So here's this note. My first reaction was that he needs something again so he wants to patch things up. Well, he can call another dozen times if he wants to talk with me. It turns out that that wasn't necessarily my response. Here's the difference: When we react to a person or situation we are allowing external circumstances to control us. When we respond we choose to control our actions and/or feelings. What responding does, in essence, is allow us to live in the solution rather than in the problem. It is an act of emotional maturity, and most always helps the other person to respond in kind. Learn to respond, rather than react, and you will raise the level of the situation.
Now I have a difficult call to make. Food for thought...

My heart...

I ran across this poem, written some four years ago, in my drafts.
While it isn't necessarily relevant today I still thought it was pretty good poetry,
if I do say so myself... So I thought I'd share it...

I believe that love does play with the emotions of my heart
Seldom does it act the way that I believe is smart.
It binds my heart to someone who doesn't really care
Watching while my heart's ripped out, opened and laid bare.

Why does love choose to pierce my heart, why is it my fate
To fall in love again, again with one who won't reciprocate?
Is love so cruel , is life so cold, to enjoy my broken heart?
Is it better to love and lose, or better to never start?

There is no promise of happiness, no guarantee from above
That things will work out wonderfully if I fall in love.
All that promised, all that's sure, is that the chance for pain
Is an overwhelming certainty if I choose to fall in love again.

All I can say to the one I love, "You chose to run away,
I wish you weren't so afraid, and that you chose to stay.
To experience a depth of love that would carry to a new height
To learn how love doesn't have to hurt, how it could be so right".

I've been without my computer for a week or so, after knocking it off the couch and shattering the screen. I was under a full warranty (or so I thought) until calling Dell to get it fixed and learning my "Complete Care Warranty" wasn't such complete care because my "base warranty" had expired a month earlier. What a con job by the Dell technician who sold me that warranty... So Dell refunded the cost of their bogus warranty and offered me a hundred dollar discount to fix my screen (they estimated a total cost of $300-400 depending on shipping). I found an aftermarket screen on line and fixed it myself for less than $100. Thanks Dell. I'm sure gonna be "recommending" you and your services!

Anyway, I realized once again how dependent we become on out "technology", whether it be computer, cell phone, i-pad, or whatever. I think we're losing something very important when we feel we have to be "plugged in" all the time. It is important to disconnect occasionally, to get back in touch with nature, to experience solitude. Saturday I took time to leave all cell phones, computers, kindles behind and just spend several hours out on the lake in my canoe, watching the new-born baby ducklings follow mama, seeing the fish jump, the hawks circle, the geese swim... We all need a reminder occasionally of the beauty of life happening all around us as we fly through our days... Life is what's happening today as we plan and work for tomorrow... Food for thought...

The Marvel of Awe...

I had the opportunity to watch my grandson today for several hours and I found myself marveling once again at the awe and wonder of new discovery... I watched as Jacobi explored, touched, and examined everything from sticks to bark, from seeds to bolts. Everything was exciting, because everything was new.

 

  We miss out on that excitment, that awe, as we grow up and establish our routine. We lose that sense of new, for nothing is, as we settle down... That's too bad too, for we all could use an occasional dose of new, of awe and wonder. I think God loves it when His children get excited at new discovery. I look forward to a renewal of that awe come Eternity...Food for thought...

An Interesting Episode...

We hear a lot lately about the dangers of texting while driving. I tend to agree that it is very dangerous, no matter how fast your fingers are. So here's the deal: I'm driving in to work one morning last week, on a one-way street that's three lanes wide. I'm in the center lane, it's right downtown, and morning rush hour. I stop for a red light at a major cross street and on my left pulls up a police cruiser. On my right a mini van pulls up and I notice  the lady immediately start texting. I wondered if the cop could see her and what his reaction would be so I turned to look, but I guess he couldn't see her. You see, he was too busy texting...

OCD and Other Labels...

I am a classic INFJ personality type and, by definition, I enjoy an orderly and systematic outer world. Yet also by definition I tend to have disorder in some part of my outer life, which is in direct contrast to other Judging types... The reason I share this is because I have been told by others on more than one occasion that I am OCD, because I like things a certain way. Perhaps it is sometimes said in jest, but other times I wonder if it really isn't believed by those who really don't understand what OCD is...

OCD, or Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, is a psychiatric anxiety disorder, often disabling, that traps a person in a pattern of repetitive thought and behavior that are usually senseless and distressing. The obsessions are unwanted ideas or impulses that repeatedly attack the mind of the afflicted person. In response to their obsessions they resort to repetitive behavior patterns called compulsions. And that is the disease. So, is a person who lives neater than others or has developed a life system OCD? Of course not.

I use myself as an example because I fear too often we label people, and far more often than not incorrectly, and I certainly don't want to do so to another. It is common to find those afflicted with OCD to also fight depression, eating disorders, substance abuse, attention deficit disorder, or other disorders brought on by the affliction. I spoke with a counselor friend when deciding to blog this and asked him for his diagnosis of me as an OCD. He laughed and said I was "particular"- I liked things in their place, but was far from OCD. I am far from depressed, nor do I suffer from other anxiety disorders often accompanying OCD. So why am I labeled OCD?

What of the person labeled Bi-Polar, or the child labeled ADHD? Do we find it easier to slap a label on someone rather than try to understand them? Is a child ADHD, or has he just been allowed by his parent to appear so because of their lack of understanding of a child's basic psyche? Is it the child or the parent at fault if the child has little or no attention span? It is estimated that 8-10% of all children in the United States fit the criteria for ADHD. Children need fences. They need boundaries for their own personal security. This is a fact when we understand children. So what happens to a child who acts out, who pushes against his perceived boundary, and a parent fails to react appropriately? Their boundary shifts, and they lose some personal security. When it happens often enough a child learns acting out is accepted and episodes get worse. And we slap a label on him like ADHD and medicate him.

But what if, when a boundary is tested, a parent reacts appropriately and punishes the child for inappropriate behavior? The child learns a boundary, and stops the continual push against it once it is established. Further, he has security in the knowledge of what he can and cannot do. As a child establishes his boundaries he becomes more stable, self-assured, and functions at a much higher level in society.

When I speak of a parent punishing a child I am not necessarily advocating corporal punishment. I've raised three children and when  young a swat on the behind might have been appropriate, but I can't honestly remember spanking any of my children past the age of 3 or 4. Rewarding proper behavior was as effective as punishing bad behavior. When trying to obtain a specific behavior it was far more effective to offer the reward up front and allow the child to "earn" it or lose it on their own. An example: when my kids started getting older and wanted an allowance I set up a chart of "jobs" to do around the house. The more they did the more they could earn. My oldest son quickly learned the value of pitching in and helping and often earn five times and more than his siblings. My second son didn't think it was fair that his brother got so much more money, but in time learned that his effort was rewarded and lack of effort was not. One of my boys had a friend diagnosed as ADHD and once he became comfortable in my home never displayed signs of hyperactivity, impulsivity, or inattention that characterize the ADHD child, because he learned what was acceptable and what wasn't at our house. Boundaries. Children crave them. They may not like the results of violating them in the moment, but they love the long-term security they get knowing they're there. What is the most effective treatment for ADHD? Behavioral Therapy, or, in layman's terms, teaching boundaries...

I think we do a great disservice to many people by labeling them too quickly, or without all relevant information. I think sometimes we label others for our own comfort, to cover our own lack of understanding... Food for thought...

I read something very interesting this week, concerning business... It said (and I'll paraphase here) that we don't really sell goods or services, what we really sell is satisfaction. Our product or service might initially get us in the door but it never guarentees success. It doesn't matter how wonderful a product we have, it doesn't matter how grand we think our service is, we fail if we don't satisfy our customers.As we discussed this, my partner commented that it just seemed like common sense to him. But it is so much more.

I think that the key to satisfaction is found in two things- follow-through and follow-up. It is incredibly important to follow through on things we say or promise to do, and it is equally important to follow up with our customers and clients to see if they are happy with what we've provided. Little things, like promptly returning phone calls, answering questions in a timely manner, etc., show our clients that they are important to us and we care about them. These are things that prompt those feelings of satisfaction. Everyone wants to feel they are important, whether they spend a dollar or a dime. It's our job to treat them so. Treat each and every customer like their satisfaction is the key to your success and you'll be pleasantly surprised to find that it is!
Food for thought... (Personal note: The picture of the sign doesn't really have anything to do with the blog- I just loved it!)

In a Nutshell...

I was describing myself today, sort of tongue-in-cheek, to someone, and said, "I'm a simple man, yet complex in my simplicity. I am an enigma, wrapped in a conundrum. That's me, in a nutshell". The response was, "What kind of nutshell?, and after a moment's thought I replied, "Walnut". When pressed why walnut, I explained that walnut shells are somewhat unique in their rough exteriors, but house a pretty good nut inside... They're a little rough, and sometimes tough to crack, but what's inside is usually worth the effort...

That got me thinking about others, and how, in reality, we all wrap ourselves in one sort of shell or another. We all tend to protect our inner selves, to insulate ourselves from the potential hurt of others by hiding in or behind our emotional shells. Some call them walls, and the reality is, to really experience community with others, to meet that emotional void that only community can fill, we need to let others in, we need to allow others to crack our shell and get to the meat of who we really are.

Unfortunately, in all too many cases, who we really are is not someone we ourselves like. And if we cannot like ourselves, much less love ourselves, how can we expect another person to like or love us? Self-worth, self esteem is so important in creating an environment that fosters the trust that another can like, and even love, us for who and what we are. Until we can learn to love ourselves we cannot truly love another, nor can we feel the confidence that they truly love us. Self-acceptance is the first step toward a truly loving relationship with another person. Self-acceptance is the cornerstone for any successful friendship or relationship.

The key to total acceptance, whether for self or others, learning to dispense grace. To accept is to forgive, for we all do wrong, to ourselves, to others. Grace is unmerited forgiveness. God forgives us though we've done nothing to deserve it, and if we can truly accept this fact then we can in turn forgive both our wrongs as well as the wrongs of others. Dispensing grace is as enriching for the dispensor as for the dispensee, for in emulating one of God's attributes we can come to more fully appreciate what He has done for us. Dispensing grace can be a completely humbling act...

Food for thought...

Deep down I think everyone wants to be a better person, but sometimes we find ourselves at a loss as to how to improve. Perhaps the best way to determine our direction comes from feedback from others, but how do we solicit advice rather than criticism from others?

Asking in the appropriate manner is the first step to solicitng advice. Asking, "How can I do better?", or "How can I be a better partner/spouse/colleague?" is the most direct way to illict feedback, or advice. But when we ask our focus needs to be on the future, and not get caught up in negative past actions or words. Criticism stems from the past, advice focuses on the future.

The second, and perhaps most important step we need to do is to follow through. If you ask for advice let the person know you are willing to act on it. It is frustrating to be asked for advice, then feel like your words carried no weight, that your suggestions were just blown off... The result is often resentment, especially in our personal relationships where opening up and sharing often leads to being in a position of vulnerability.

Non-action after asking for advice may lead to a breakdown in future communication... Food for thought...

Island living...

I ran across this draft tonight, unpublished from several years ago, and in reading it I thought I messed up in not publishing it... We all need to own our wrongs, and I'm no exception... So here's a past blog that still has relevence... (And, my hair doesn't have all the grey in it that it now does!)


I messed up this week, and the amazing thing to me is how difficult it was to admit to myself that I'd screwed up. It shouldn't be anything new; I've messed up one way or another my whole life. We all do. Owning it is usually the most difficult part. Usually I don't have a problem admitting I'm wrong. I have very good self-esteem, and I learned long ago that the world doesn't stop or the universe collapse if I just own my wrong. So why was this time so different?

I think this time involved matters of the heart. I felt hurt and responded to my hurt, yet it was my error that contributed to the hurt, for I didn't remember all the circumstances (for those of you who know me know how huge that is- when do I forget anything!?) But forget I did, and then felt my hurt, and in my emotional pain reacted. Even before finding out my error I knew I'd messed up. And the result was I hurt someone I love, and created a situation that I don't think either of us ever wanted. Sure, there may have been issues to discuss, there may have been some hurt feelings anyway, but I mishandled things and magnified the problem...

So what to do? It's so difficult admitting wrong when you feel wronged, even when those feelings are unjustified... I did write a note and ask forgiveness, but it doesn't seem to be enough. It's tough being an idiot, or acting like a fool, and I imagine it's every bit as tough forgiving someone who acts that way toward us...

So much of my life I spent insulating myself from people, from letting people in, for when I have it seems like I've been deeply hurt, and let down. I've had very little faith in another's ability to care for my emotions, so I've been an island much of my life, letting the river of life flow around and by me, but not letting anyone land... Now I've let someone down, I've failed to protect that which was precious; it was my fault. It's a whole different perspective from this side of the apology. I think I feel worse than when I'm wronged...

Maybe I need more time on the island... the only one I can hurt there is myself...

Social Unrest from One of the Silent Majority

I stopped and filled my gas tank this morning. It cost me $53 for just under 13 gallons. As I was driving in to work I mentally did the arithmetic as to what that gas would have cost when I was a child... The result- just over $2.50. Now I'm old, but I'm not that old, that the cost of gasoline should have risen over twenty times its cost in my lifetime. Yesterday an old friend stopped by my store and as we were catching up he told me that he had to shut down his small business this past year, as many have had to do, and was now working a full-time and two part-time jobs to make ends meet. He commented that he'd heard people say there are no jobs out there, but his comment was that there are jobs, just not jobs anyone wants. One of his jobs is armed security, and he shared his experience working at the Federal Building when people came in to get their aid checks, and how angry and irate they got if the checks were late. Angry over

free money... Go figure.

I was encouraged by the recent law Florida enacted, requiring people to pass a drug test before they are eligible for welfare. I think all states should adopt it, for you have to pass a drug test to get a job. Fair is fair. I got to thinking about other ways we could better change our society. Try this:

Anyone who pays taxes gets the right to vote. You don't pay you don't play. Period. Right off the top 51% of our country couldn't vote, because that's the percent of Americans who don't pay any taxes. I'm tired of hearing that the "top 2% of wealthy Americans don't pay enough in taxes- how about the bottom half of the country that pays nothing? And to compound the problem, we give tax refunds to people who pay no taxes! Tell me, if the system isn't screwed up, how can someone who pays nothing get a refund? Do away with earned income credits, with loopholes, with all the crap that rewards people for not paying anything and make a straight tax system that is fair to everyone.

Another benefit of the "no tax-no vote" rule would be the effect on politicians. No longer would it be beneficial to pander to the masses who pay nothing and are a drain on the system  just to earn their vote, for they would not have that right anymore. You would see the politicians begin to pander to those who pay for everything, the way it should have been all along...

I think we have become a very spoiled, very entitlement-driven society, and that is sad. In an effort to try and make things better for our kids each succeeding generation has, in some small part, enabled their children to feel entitled to more, whether or not it's really deserved. Now we've reached a point where we're too good for certain jobs, where we're entitled to money whether or not we earn it, where we demand what is not owed. Perhaps it isn't all bad if a generation or two doesn't fare as well as their parents- a society adjustment, if you will. It works for the stock market... If so, we'll hear that cry, "Thank goodness for Government cheese!"

Food for thought....

Relational Glue...

Trust is the glue that holds relationships together. It doesn't matter what the dynamics of a relationship are (ie. lovers/ spouses/ parent-child/ boss-employee/ friend-friend) when the trust is violated the relationship is in serious jepordy. The reason? Trust takes time to build, but can be destroyed in an instant. Sometimes the relationship can't withstand the stress or trauma of broken trust long enough for that trust to begin to build again. And the relationship dies...

I have someone who recently violated my trust- a friend, and an employee... I don't have definitive proof of his violation, just his past track record- both long past and recent. The sad thing is that I've always been straight and generous to this person, but for whatever reason he has chosen to steal from me... Again, I don't have definitive proof this time, but he's stolen from me in the past and repented, and I recently learned he's stolen from others. Now I have to decide what to do.

I can't allow this person the freedoms within my business that I have in the past, and as my partner so aptly put it- "It's going to be uncomfortable around him. He doesn't make [me] feel good about him anymore." We want to feel good. It is natural to seek out people or situations that make us feel good, just as we prefer to avoid those (whenever possible) that make us uncomfortable. I wish I had an answer to how someone who has lied or stolen could repent without crushing the trust... It would save many relationships. Food for vthought...

Spring has sprung...

Spring has sprung. It isn't even officially the end of winter and we've blown past spring and right into summer. Eighty degree days in March. Who'd a thunk it?
There's something special, something fresh and new every spring, a rebirth after the doldrums and hibernation of winter. I am reminded, with every bloom and every blossum, the inexplicable wonder and simple complexity of creation. I am in total awe of the miracle of spring, and the beauty is I can experience it anew each and every year. One day all is drab and brown; the next a hint of green, and yet the next, an explosion.
While I love summer, and the colors of fall, there's nothing quite like the the miracle of rebirth that comes each spring. Life is ready to live again! Take a moment, enjoy the beauty as it once more unfolds, drink in spring, for it is indeed a heady draft...
Food for thought...

The gift in Giving...

So I find myself much more emotional lately, and I'm not sure what to make of it. I seem to be inexplicably affected by random acts of kindness, whether I'm active in the act or just a casual observer... I've always loved to give, often being criticized for being "too generous", but lately it's different. It's like I've experienced a whole new level of joy, and one I can experience either actively or inactively, although the joy is far more intense when I'm involved...

I've also noticed another interesting phenomena; it seems that when helping someone who truly needs the reaction is far different from someone who merely wants. Those who truly need tend to be far more grateful, but beyond that, they don't want to be thought of as "taking advantage" [of my generousity]... Those with wants tend to be more selfish and far less humble... I'm sure I wasn't always aware of these differences, but I'm glad I now am, for having the discretion to tell the difference allows more freedom to aid those with real needs. And experience that far deeper level of joy...

Truly, it is better to give than to receive, for in giving one receives joy- personally satisfying, deeply humbling joy. I think, perhaps being selfless is not far from being selfish, for that joy that flows deeply from my gut is intoxicating, it's addicting, and I want more... The saying is, "Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and feed him for a lifetime." I think that could be applied to giving. Give a man a hand and help him for a time; teach a man to give and help many people many times...

I'm getting older now, and I feel that those things I felt necessary to keep me in this world have been fulfilled. My children are grown, they're on their own, with mates, and even a couple of kids- grandkids for me- and they don't really need me anymore. I've shared with friends that I feel I've run my race, and am content, and my Father can call me home anytime, for I have no fear of death. But while I remain I will continue to labor as He wills, until that day. Meanwhile, Before I go I wish that somehow I could share the joy I receive from giving with those who've never experienced it. It would rock their world, forever... Food for thought...

God Things...

So I'm down in Florida visiting my folks this week. From the time I got here on Monday afternoon until today I got had no cell phone reception what-so-ever. Which isn't all bad, for I needed the rest and relaxation. But today as I was watching an episode of a show I'd downloaded on my Kindle I sudden felt the need to go for a ride on my Dad's motorscooter. Right in the middle of the show. So I did.

I was riding a minute or two (at most) when suddenly my cell phone rang in my pocket! I pulled over and answered it and lo and behold it was my daughter calling to tell me she had to undergo some medical tests and asked for my prayers. First, she never calls during the day like that, and second, my phone hadn't rang in two days. So how infintesible are the odds that I would just get up and go for a ride right when she needed to talk with me? It was again just another testement to God being in control of my life. It was definitely a "God-thing".

A lot of people don't believe in "God things", or don't want to believe in them, but it is far easier for me to believe that He orchestrated that call today than to believe in the incredibly huge odds that it was just chance. And these kinds of things happen far too often for them to be chance. So to those who choose to deny that God's in charge, to deny the overwhelming evidence that is all around us, I'm sorry for you. I'm just grateful that I'm a treasured child of the Most High God... It's an everlasting comfort. Food for thought...