A Broken Heart...

It has been sometime since I've written, and I don't know if anyone even reads anymore, but I'm stuck, and don't know what to do, where to turn, so if anyone still checks in occassionally and has some insight, I'd love to hear it...
Here's the situation in a nutshell: I've been seeing a wonderful woman for the better part of a year now and things are good- on the surface. We have a strong friendship, much stronger than our relationship, which is good. We enjoy each other's company. We communicate regularly, and well. But here's the problem...
I learned long ago that there is inherent danger to making oneself vulnerable to loving again. The possibility for hurt, for disappointment is ever present, but not to be vulnerable robs one of something so much greater than the potential hurt. To love and be loved is the greatest of feelings. So I made myself vulnerable, and I fell in love again. As I learned her good points and her flaws I loved her for them. Unfortunately, my new love tends to close herself off to those deep emotions, choosing to remain behind self-imposed walls to "protect" herself from hurt or disappointment. We've discussed it- she doesn't even want me to say I love her, because she's been told in the past and now doesn't believe it. On rare occassions (maybe 3-4x this relationship) she's told me she loved me, but then is quick to make light of the moment, or retreat behind her emotional walls. I've showed her in many ways, many acts, how I feel, and the validity of my words are backed with actions, but to no avail.
I feel like I am being robbed of something precious, that my emotional needs are being sacrificed for the sake of her unwillingness to believe, to open up... Once she told me I was the best thing that's ever come in to her life- so why does she chance losing that by pushing me away aand closing me off emotionally? I don't know. I can't imagine my life now without her, but I can't continue on giving without receiving that emotional connection in return... Sooner or later my tank will run dry and there will be nothing left to give; if I leave it justifies her emotional walls (to her) and I become like those who said in the past "I love you" but didn't really mean it- because I too left. I don't think the idea that she pushes me away emotionally really occurs to her as a possibility to destroy our relationship... And yet she's told me that she realizes I might not be getting everything I need out of our relationship, but she isn't willing to give more right now...
My heart is broken, often, when I leave her, for there is nothing worse than leaving the one you love and not being able to remind them of that love until we meet again. No, there is something worse; it's loving someone and never hearing they love you too... So what do I do? Where do I turn next? Despite all the good in this relationship it is doomed to failure without that emotional connection that flows both ways... I've been patient, but now I find my tank running dangerously low, and my thoughts of what a fool I am to open up myself to yet more heartache in my life... When questions like "Is it worth it?" start arising then perhaps it's not... Food for thought...

Give and Take...

Physics teaches that for each action there is an equal and opposite reaction. The corresponding cultural axiom is the concept of give and take. Society is balanced because there are givers and takers. Unfortunately, it is not a healthy balance, for the takers prey on the givers and will take and take until the givers have nothing left. We call them by all sorts of names; Type A personalities, go-getters, ambitious, focused, or the other extereme, soft, enablers, patsies... For most of my life I was a loner; emotionally closed off from society, self-imposed walls to protect myself from myself and others. It wasn't until these last five years or so, as I have consciously tried to be more open and authentic, that I have ventured from behind those walls. For you see, I'm a giver, and I know what it is to be taken advantage of...
An example: I've often helped out people in need. Whether family or friend, or sometimes even a complete stranger, I have been willing to share the blessings God has given me with those in need. Usually, especially if a significant amount, those I've helped have repaid the debt. Yet I've developed the mindset that when I lend I must be willing to accept that money as gone, that it may never be repaid, because money is never worth a friendship or relationship. Well, I heard of a young couple who had a need and I offered to help them out if they wanted. One day I received a call from them and they set up a meeting. The bottom line was they asked for three times the amount of money I had originally offered to help them. And I gave it to them, because they said it was what they needed to kick-start his "second" career and give them the life they envisioned. They promised to repay- it was a loan and they would make good, if I would only trust them.
A year has gone by and I have attempted to keep in touch, writing a number of times and asking how things are going. I see his website for his new career, and can see he's doing pretty good, and yet I haven't heard a word from them. They've totally ignored me, made no effort to repay the many hundreds of dollars they took with the promise to repay. Takers. The money isn't the issue; I lent it knowing I may not get it back. What hurts is their total lack of response, their severing of relational ties with their silence for the sake of money.
I find that being a giver can be relationally devestating too. I know how to give, how to determine needs and desires then seek out ways to meet them. But I find that relationships flow like rivers- most often it's one way. I know there are things I need, want, and desire within the context of a relationship, but attempting to communicate those things to a taker is like trying to swim upstream against the current. It's no wonder I spent much of my life behind my walls- I'm learning it's much less painful to not expect anything from people than to put myself out there just to have hopes disappointed... Sorry, but tonight I'm very disillusioned and somewhat pessimistic towards my fellow man (and woman)...

3-D Love...

It seems appropo that, with my thoughts running around the importance of relationships, that the topic at my church this weekend is on seeing others with the same eyes as Jesus did. And he was all about relationships. I've shared a number of times with people, (some extemely close to me), that true love is not an emotion, rather it is a choice. I'm not sure that all have agreed with that but I truly believe it. Tonight I heard a really cool definition of Jesus' love, of true love.

Jesus loved in 3-D. And the three "D"s were, first, "Decision". He chose to love. We need to choose to love to experience the real thing. It's not a feeling, it's a choice. The second "D" is "Demonstration". Jesus acted on his love. It was compassion from deep within him. It was active. The last "D" is "Difference". True love makes a difference in those lives we choose to love. We impact.

It was enlightening, as I sat and listened tonight, because I have someone who is very special to me. Early on in our relationship I knew how special she was and would continue to be and I shared with her my feelings about love being a choice. Early on she pooh-poohed me and said I didn't know her well enough to love her. As time went on she continued to be uneasy with the idea, the concept that I could love her, but that didn't change my feelings. Now, after a year, she's heard the words, and seen the actions, the physical acts that could only be explained as acts of love, and it is increasingly more difficult for her to deny my love. And on a few occassions she's even declared her love for me. But it still makes her uncomfortable.

I was struck, as I pondered this yet again, at how closely my relationship with her seems to parallel so often our relationship with God. How often do we wonder how God could ever love a sinner like us, and how often do we pull away because of our own insecurities, our own doubts about our worthiness? How many times do we rob ourselves of His love because we stubbornly cling to our own ideas that love must be earned? And all the while he is there, just waiting for us to come around, just loving us with his perfect love, not dependent at all on our decision to recognize or accept it. It is real, it is true, and it is there, and no doubts or rejections on our part will change his desire to love us.

Now I don't claim to love perfectly, as Jesus does, but in my own imperfect way I know my love does not waver, it is not conditional on acceptance, and it does not change if it's not relected back. My love is a choice; it is active, it is demonstrative, it makes a difference in the loved one's life. So, on a personal note, Sweetheart, I love you, whether you choose to believe it or not, whether you choose to accept it or not. You know, because you have seen, because you do see, my love is active for you. I love you in 3-D.

Are we a hostage?

It had been quite a while since I last blogged, that is before yesterday, and I was pleasantly surprised to hear from several "old friends" or past readers / penpals. Thanks for keeping an eye on me and dropping me the e-mails- it was really heartwarming to hear from you. Thank-you sincerely.

As I continued to ponder my train of thoughts from yesterday's blogging my thoughts turned to our propensity to hide behind walls- emotional barriers we erect to protect our hearts from the possibility of future hurt based on our past experiences... We think we are protecting ourselves when the reality we either fail to see or steadfastly deny is that by walling ourselves off emotionally we aren't just keeping others at bay, we are also restricting our own ability to experience love, and affection, and ultimately the true happiness that comes from unfettered community with others, the very thing we were created for.

It doesn't occur to us that as long as we restrict our vulnerability, as long as we stay behind those barriers, we are hostages to our past and can never fully experience the full joy of our present or the full potential of our future. To bottom line it, we learn from past hurts to distrust. Distrust, the opposite of trust, which the most critical element in experiencing true love. In essence, by remaining hostage to our past, by refusing the choice of being vulnerable we choose by default to deny ourselves the possibility of true love, true friendship, andultimately deny ourselves happiness and gratification.

It is this phenomena, this misconceived desire to protect our heart, that leads us to seek gratification through "things" rather than relationships. We seek to fill that void, that longing, the unhappiness we feel from a lack of community, or fellowship or friendship with others with the trappings of our world, trying to accumulate more, or nicer, toys to make us "happy", yet that gratification is so fleeting, so temporary. We end up alone, sitting in a houseful of gadgets, wishing for something, someone to fill that void, without a clue on how to find relief. We just refuse to believe that it is as easy as stepping out and taking a chance on a fellow human being. Being vulnerable is the key that releases the shackles of our past... But I ramble long enough...

The Beauty of a Cannonball...

It's been too long. I've missed writing, but then writing needs a clearer head than I've had for the past month or so. A quick update, on a personal note- my surgeries went well and there seems to be some good improvements. The only drawback came about a week and a half back; I woke up with a swollen jaw and it didn't go away. Turned out to be an impacted wisdom tooth that decided to abcess... But last week it too went away, and after a couple days recovery I'm none the worse for wear...

I was hit this morning with a thought that I really felt worth sharing. So often we focus on things, we prioritize our "things" in our lives that really aren't important, and end up squeezing out those things that are important. The thought I had was that "things" are so unimportant in the larger scheme yet we lose focus as we concentrate on our convoluted sense of what we seem to think is important. What is really important is people, is relationships. After all, when it's all said and done what can "things" do for us that can ever compare with what we get from a well-developed relationship? How important is that promotion, that new car, the nice house full of all the latest gadgets, if we are alone, if we have no one to share with? We were designed for fellowship, for community, and too often we've lost that focus as we try to accumulate wealth, as we stockpile "things".

Nothing is more important than relationships. Is it better to have a clean house, or a best friend? Is that promomotion, and all the extra hours of work worth the cost of the marital relationship? Is there really any "thing" that can compare to the value of a true friend, a confidant? What can compare to the comfort of knowing that there is someone who is always in your corner, no matter what stupid thing you might do or say? That is a friend. Yet we steadfastly work away from developing such friendships, such bonds. Why? Bescause we've become a society of people who play in the shallow end of the pool. We fear the deep end, because in the deep end we are vulnerable, there is risk, there is danger that we could get hurt, so we find contentment in the shallow end where there is no risk, but no depth either.

When we decide to plum the depths of the deep end of life, of relationships, we find ourselves facing the possibility of hurt, of rejection, of disappointment, but the rewards are so much more satisfying. We experience depths to our relationships, in our giving, and receiving, that far outweigh our fears of failure. We will find disappointments, but just one true friend is worth a pool full of shallow-enders. The deep end is life, the shallow end is existence. But to live life we must be willing to be vulnerable, we must be willing to invest in others so that they in turn will learn to invest in us. Someone has to be willing to jump in first, to test the waters, so others might follow. I pray that I am brave enough to be willing to do that first cannonball, and who knows, one day we might just bump into each other somewhere in the deep end...

A Christmas Wish...

Just a personal note- This coming Tuesday, December 11th, I am undergoing several surgical proceedures (actually four seperate ones) to try and correct some breathing and sleep apnea problems I have that have grown steadily worse over the last several years. My doctors seem to think that if my mind never rests then my body doesn't get proper rest and I'm a prime candidate for a heart attack (been there, done that back in '92- not fun) so I'm trying to be a good patient and get these things done. If those of you who read and believe in the power of prayer also wouldn't mind holding me up a time or two in these next couple weeks I'd really appreciate it. It would be nice to be well on the way to being well for Christmas! Thanks all. ---Bud

Bad Distance...

Somehow my day seem bleaker, my life needs some correction
For I find myself somewhat distanced from my Love's affection.
I wonder, does she feel that same lost feeling too
The one where I'm lost without her, and feeling oh so blue?
I wonder, does she realize the joy she brings to my day?
Or how much I look forward to our times of work and play?
Does she even realize my pain when she's so short with me?
Does she care enough to make it right? I'll have to wait and see...

It's Autumn...

Sunset dappling through leaves of crimson and gold,
Breaths crisp puffs of smoke on the wind,
Snuggled by the fireplace within, dancing flames beat back the chill.
Smooth jazz softly teasing my consciousness,
Stirring memories of a piano bar in days gone by,
Candle flickering across the room, with its "linen fresh" tantilizing aroma.
Soft sheets to caress my body, the feel of silky smooth to my skin-
All things beautiful, all delightful to my senses,
But I find none as delightful as you.

The best kind of work...

A friend sent a real cool e-mail in which kids, ages 4 to 8, were asked to define love. One respondant, Jessica, age 8, said, "You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it. But if you mean it you should say it alot. People forget." What depth from the mouth of a child! I think that we often forget ourselves, for we get caught up in the "feelings" that infatuation brings and when feelings fade so does our memory... I think most people don't realize that love isn't a feeling at all- it is a willful commitment to another, a conscious decision of the will. True love takes time, and is commitment. It stands when those "feelings" fade or fail. The feelings can come and go many times in a relationship, we can "fall in love" over and over again, for that is the feelings of love, of infatuation, that drives us while we learn of the other, while we develop true love. But in the long run it is commitment, not feelings, that is the glue that holds a relationship together through the years. It is easy to say "I love you"- it is far more difficult to mean it, but when you do, or when another loves you, cherish it, treasure it in your heart, for there is no greater compliment that can be paid than to have someone love you for who you are, accept you completely, the good and not so good...

True love can be work, but it is the best work we can perform, for when we love, and are loved, we work together, and that's the best kind of work...

Ramblings of a Tired Man...

I am tired, but I cannot sleep. It has been a long time now since I've really been rested. And so my thoughts ramble around my head screaming to be let out, to be put down, with no rhyme or reason...

I've observed that people often get upset over "interuptions" in their day, in their life, often blaming the interuptions for their unproductiveness. Here's the deal: Those interuptions are "life" and dealing with them is your life. If you aren't productive it isn't the interuptions' fault, it's yours, for it is an extremely rare person that doesn't have the time to deal with life. Usually it's our own poor time-management, or more bluntly, a lack of discipline on our parts to "plan our work and work our plan" (thanks HB)...

I think people who have casual sex have a very low value of intimacy. I am bothered when I hear single friends talking about their "exploits" like it is some great thing. I am deeply bothered personally at the thought of sharing something so beautiful, so intimate so casually. For that reason I don't believe in sex, but strongly believe in making love with someone I know, and care deeply for, and love- and know (or at least believe) that they love me in return. Now sadly, I'm older and wiser, and can see the bitter truth that some of those few I have loved really didn't love me at all. Sadly, the memory of making love with someone who I thought loved me but now I believe different makes me feel cheap, and used... And yet, do I learn from my past? I hope so...

I think too many people confuse kindness with weakness. Bad mistake, especially if that kind person is like me... That kind of mistake can come back to bite you. (Keep running Ron).

I helped a friend move today (not just me, but my company and my partner)... She was one of my longest-standing customers and toward the end she sat down on a box and told me in her entire life no one had ever helped her out like this- she didn't know what to say except "thank-you". And that was all she needed to say, but she went on to ask why I was so generous with my self, my time, where did this love of life, of people come from? I was able to share my credo with her- "I Love God and love people". Further, I told her that I desired to live with the constant awareness that, if Jesus Christ were standing right next to me, what would he do in any given situation, and that is what I expect my action to be. It doesn't always work out that way, for sometimes I think I have a selective memory, but I try, I really try, and when I do that which I believe He would do, man does it feel great!

My daughter wrote "Love is the author of both heartbreak and joy"... Boy, there's not much truer than that, especially if it's unrequited love... To be in the prescence of one you love is pure joy; not to be loved in return is pure heartbreak... I think love was meant to be game-free to work right...

Let's try the sleep thing again...

Inequitable Relationships...

The most difficult of all relationships are those that are inequitable, and they are also the most common. It is why relationships are sometimes so difficult, why they take constant attention and effort, and are sometimes work. Unless two people get exactly the same out of a relationship it will be inequitable and for one party, the party with the greatest investment, it can become stressful, and even burdensome. Although there are many different measures of "investment" the most common, and often most abused, is the emotional investment.

When one party becomes more emotionally involved the balance shifts in a relationship. The partner who is willing to become more vulnerable, to open themself up to the possibility of love or commitment, also opens themself up to the potential of hurt. For this very reason many hide behind emotional walls and only venture out when they are sure their partner is fully committed to them, yet if that same feeling is shared by their partner then the game-playing begins. Couples often desire together the very thing they try so hard to avoid committing to as individuals first and thus often miss out on that deeper level of intimacy altogether, leaving themselves feeling frustrated and more calloused toward the "next time".

On a personal note, I was at Willow Creek Community Church this past weekend, and the lead pastor Gene Appel was speaking on our freedom of choice. One comment he made was that "true love is choice". I reflected on that for some time for it was exactly my ideology and my belief. Personally, I believe that, if I find that person I really seem to connect with, it is better to put myself out there and be vulnerable, to choose the possibility of hurt for the potential of love than to hide behind an emotional barracade and wait for the other to make the first move. But as I listened to Gene another thought entered my thinking: If I choose to love and it is unrequited, if I choose to lay myself out there and find I am out there alone for too long, if I love and am hurt, I have the choice not to love also.

Unrequited love is so painful, whether from a spouse, a lover, a child, or a family member. To love without feeling loved in return causes a such intense pain that a variety of emotions are triggered in response. Hurt, anger, withdrawl, bitterness, all from the overflow of the pain. The reaction is to walk away, if only emotionally, to close oneself off from the pain, and from the pain-giver. Instead, the option is to choose not to love. Just as I make myself vulnerable to the possibility of hurt and all it's negatives for the potential of love, and all the positive wonderfulness that can follow, in a like manner, if my love is unreturned I can choose to not be hurt, to not be vulnerable, I can choose not to love. I'm not sure exactly how to translate that from intellectual acceptance to the emotional directive without the experience of the negative emotions that feeling shunned or unloved triggers, but in theory it should be possible. Just choose not to love. I have not loved many in my life, but those I chose to love I did so unreservedly, and several times I was deeply, deeply wounded. I wonder, if I could have chosen not to love, at that time the relationship seemed beyond repair, if the pain would have been lessened... It's food for thought...

Actions...

"Actions have consequences." Boy, if that isn't the toughest lesson to learn in life I'm not sure what is. Everything we do creates ripples in our own little worlds, and everything we do creates a response of one kind or another. It's a lesson we wish our kids would learn yet we seem to forget it ourselves.

I find myself acutely aware nowadays, of those things in my past that color my relationships today. I find I must constantly guard myself against judging those in my life today, not by their own merit, but rather by the standards I have erected in my mind, standards built off the failures of past relationships. I find those failures have tainted my perspective, for I am more cynical, less open and believing of others because of the let downs experienced in my past. So I stand vigilant now, against myself, against my inner demons that rise up to ambush current relationships...

Even as I strive for objectivity in my assessments of those others near and dear to me I find frustration when I run up against this very thing applied to me from those who are signifcant in my life. I find myself feeling as if I am constantly compared to those in the past, feeling as if I don't meet expecatations, or I am repeating behaviors of those who have walked this relational path before me who may not have been as sincere or as truthful as I am. I pay the price for those who went before, who muddied the waters with selfishness, or infidelity, or deceit. How am I supposed to show sincerity when my words are discounted, my actions questioned, my feelings doubted because they are similar to those "failures" who came before? I can only be me, and pray that one day sincerity will win out, that my actions will finally outweigh the past, that they will support my words. Perhaps one day, if I can stay the course, I can overcome the past and all that is good will finally outweigh the hurt of past failures. Perhaps one day I will be seen objectively, as unique and honest, authentic, and sincere. If I can stay the course, for if not I simply become another in the list of relational failures, though the failure is not in my in honesty or sincerity, but only in my inability to deal with constant rejection of my words, actions, my very essence...

in the moment...

I think that the older we get, and the more relational "baggage" we experience, the more we tend to drag that into current or new relationships, especially subconsciously. We tend to compare, evaluate, and make value judgements in our new relationships based on our experiences rather than solely on the merits of our partner. Our partner pays the price for our past, for they are accepted not on their merit, but on our terms, as they fit into our experiences and expectations as defined from our past.

The danger is that we could lose out on something potentially wonderful because we are blinded by our past which leads to unrealistic expectations by us for our partner. We miss out on the uniqueness of that individual because we view them through the filter of our past rather than an objective unbiased desire to get to know them for who they are. Rather we tend to value them for who they are not, or who we want them to be in light of our past "failures". All too often we are left wondering what happened, why it didn't work out, when the answer lies within ourselves; we failed in our objectivity.

Personally, I like to think I'm somewhat unique, and have something unique to offer. I don't like to feel like I'm being compared to others, or hear how someone else does or did something. For whatever reason it didn't work with them, so let them go. I am who I am, and I will give in my own unique way if allowed, and it will be good. But to compare is to live in the past, and the past is forever gone. The future is forever ahead, but the present is always with us. That's where I strive to live, that's where you can find me. I want to live in the moment for that is where the joy of living resides, that is where life happens, that is where true happiness is found. So if you are constantly looking back in your past, I am not there, for I am none of your failures. If you constantly look to the future I am not there, for I am not your ideals. I am here, in the present, living in the moment, where the joy of daily living can be found. I am here, a day at a time, being uniquely me. So if you want something unique you'll have to learn to accept me for who I am, not who your past wants to dictate me to be. I hope to find you here too.

Truth vs Unbelief...

I love mowing the grass because it gives me time to think, to ponder, to process. This morning as I mowed a neat realization came to me. Please, indulge me...

I have a friend who, based on personal experience and circumstances, tends to dismiss things I say as not believable, and for some time I let that bother me, yet after some attention and processing I realize that it isn't my issue to be bothered by. This morning I had a bit of an epiphany; Just because someone doesn't believe, or even chooses not to believe, doesn't make the fact or statement any less true. If I know the statement is absolutely true then the problem lies with the receiver, for experience or circumstance has skewed their ability to receive truth through their personal filter. Truth is truth. And absolute truth is constant, (although I acknowledge the existence of conditional truth that is not what we're discussing here). So when I make a statement that I know to be true, despite another's willingness to accept it, the statement is true. Period.
The sad thing is that too often we all can tend to grow calloused to the truth, especially as we grow older and experience more and more lies and deceit from our fellow man. We tend to become skeptics instead of being vulnerable, open, and receptive. We veiw things through a filter of negativity, even when appearing positive, for that is what we've "learned" from each other. Unbelief is a relational killer, the prime component in the breakdown of trust
Yet all is not lost, for if we cultivate a relationally safe environment for trust to grow and be nourished then truth will ultimately win out. For where trust grows vulnerability deepens, and our eyes are ultimately opened to truth and we will ultimately receive. One day, (perhaps in the not to distannt future), I anticipate confirmation that my words are believed, that my friend trusts me enough to believe my words as true...

Guest Column!

Tonight we have a rare treat- a guest columnist. My daughter wrote this last night, and shared it with me tonight. It's lengthy, but I thought well worth the reading, especially when I consider that these pearls flowed from my innocent 20 year old baby...

A Love after His own heart
I believe love is the author of both heartbreak and joy.
For it is by love that we give our whole hearts at either the risk of loving forever or losing significant portions of it all at once.
By love we taste memories that will never leave us—for better, for worse. When we truly love, we are holding nothing back at the risk of losing everything.
By love we can either see the world as it is—broken and beautifully glued back together—or for what we always hoped it would never become—lonely, sad, and shattered.
By love we learn to embrace one another and travel realms of unthinkable measures while putting our loved ones’ well-being undoubtedly before our own.
By love we accept those unexpected circumstances when it is painfully one-sided.
Anybody is entitled to fall in love; age is not a barrier,
The color of skin is merely God’s beautiful creativity revealing to us the beauty of loving someone different, but not unlike us—for we are all exposed to unconditional love every single day.
We are created in the likeness of our God, whom, he Himself is called Love.
In being a direct masterpiece of love, we are products of this contradictory choice that makes perfect sense.
“…For God so Loved the world, that He gave his one and only son…”
In the same stroke of a pen, our creator both felt an unconditional love for his children that brought complete joy and undeniable grief.
For by saving us, through love, he experienced the despair of losing his son—the heartbreak of watching the betrayal of his child and the suffering he encountered.
Our father made the choice to love us and to save us.
After witnessing this love, we cannot deny that love brings about joy that is so often desired and sought after but the agony of a lost love is so often unbearable that many do not risk the chance of “head-over-heels, butterflies-in-the-stomach, cheeks-turning-red, must-impress-the-parents, hope-for-a-good-night-kiss-before-my knees-turn-completely-weak love” due to fear of rejection, infidelity, and loss of emotional independence and stability.
Is it true that we get out of life what we put into it?
That we ought to “seize the day,” right?
Well, in any case, I believe we should love without limits, for that is what Jesus would do.
We ought to love whole-heartedly, not holding back—for that is what God has done.
We should tell those people in our life that really matter to us that we choose to love them—that we choose to risk everything in order to lose control of ourselves and feel something we’ve never felt before—experience something we’ve never experienced.
This is a choice that no one can force upon us and no one can take away from us.
Yes, love is so powerful that we shouldn’t take it lightly.
We should guard our hearts, for this “determines the course of your life” but when your heart decides to love someone, do yourself a favor; don’t try to convince your mind otherwise.
Risk it all, for then you will experience life at its fullest, you will have no regrets about love remaining in the shadows and you will taste just a glimpse of how much your creator loves you.
If you love someone, you should tell them, because at the risk of an unreturned love, it is far less regrettable than the agony of never knowing—or even worse…the revelation of a returned love that was never spoken for.
As a quotable movie once said, “When you find out who you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”
I believe that God wants us to experience love that is beyond our wildest dreams, hopes, and expectations.
I believe that God does not set limits on love—that his choice to save us was not for one but for all.
I believe that we as humans, broken and in desperate need for direction, set limitations on who we allow ourselves to unconditionally love—when in reality, I believe this is not God’s intent for us at all.
You are never too young to love; as a child we were loved before we were even born and an innate desire in us taught us to love even at birth.
You are never too old to love.
There is no age restriction on this choice because age is really but a number—love comes from the overflow of the heart, soul, mind and mind.
It is within these that we need to diminish limits on who deserves to live life the way God intended.
I believe God uses our unique gifts and differences, that every single one of us has, to speak to the soul of one another—to deeply teach each others’ hearts and offer a joy that is evident in humility and servant hood.
I believe Jesus would say to every single ounce of creation, “I have chosen to love you.
I have chosen the pain, suffering, betrayal, and risk of an unreturned love so that you would know you are genuinely and unconditionally loved.
You were bought at a price because I decided you are worth it.”
What would it feel like if Jesus came to some and said,
“I love you. I paid the price for you.”
But then there were a selection of us that he said,
“I’m sorry. You’re just not old enough or You’re too old.
I’m sorry your skin is white, or your skin is brown—that just doesn’t work for me.
I’m sorry you aren’t pretty enough or
You really aren’t good at pottery.
You just don’t make the cut.
You have other gifts—you seem like a great person;
But I just don’t think I can love you.”
What if Jesus said that to us?
It is devastating to think about—but even more-so to think that our world is filled with this very attitude.
The possibility of love is limited to few prospects—
Age restrictions are held accountable.
Interracial relationships are frowned upon by some.
“Why can’t they love someone their own color?”
Truly these limitations are surface-oriented and selfish.
Love is not self-centered.
Love believes that all people were bought at a price and that all people deserve to live life at its fullest.
So who are we to set boundaries and tell God he has to abide by them?
Who are we to judge our neighbor—to say that we are better off loving someone our own age rather than someone older or younger?
Because textbooks say this? When it comes to love, I look to the author Himself, and the textbook He has written that documents such a subject.
For God loves all. God knows better, because He is the creator of all.
Today, I will pray that Jesus becomes the icon of love.
That Jesus is the one the world will remember as the lover of all creation.I hope that love isn’t thought of as a feeling or emotion—but as a choice—
A choice to come to earth for those what didn’t know what love was;
For those that still sometimes deny it and cause an undeniable heartbreak;
A choice to show the world a model of how to really live;
To give God all the glory.
To love in times of happiness or grief—for better or for worse.
And to love others without limitations:
To choose character over comfort,
Authenticity over color,
Acceptance over rejection;
Jesus chose to love without bounds, barriers, ropes, walls, limits, restrictions, regulations, prejudice, class, and separations.
If He didn’t do this, then we wouldn’t know what love is—
We wouldn’t experience life at its fullest.
We wouldn’t have those cherished moments of true love that are born from and envisioned from the seemingly hopeless and despaired.
Without love we wouldn’t feel valued or cherished.
We wouldn’t know the weight of a hug, the giddiness of a first kiss, and the pang of your heart after holding a baby.
We wouldn’t feel the twinge and depression of funerals, breakups, and fatal illness.
We wouldn’t need to impress people with our trivial charms and hide our most frivolous flaws on first dates.
If love were not the way it is, we would be living aimless lives of sexual impurity and promiscuity, loss of commitment and community, and the purpose of our existence would amount to that of life without a God who would do anything for us—
Even send a huge piece of him to die for us, experiencing the deepest loss ever to be felt, while at the same time,
Saving us and experiencing a whole new love.
The next time you think somebody is not worth your time,
Or you think that somebody falls short of your love and acceptance,
Think to yourself:
“How would I feel if Jesus told me,
‘you don’t cut it.
You’re too old or too skinny.
Your skin is the wrong color,
you don’t look like a model.
You don’t run like an athlete,
You don’t write like a romantic,
You don’t sing like an angel.
I’m sorry.
On our surveys, you just don’t meet the requirements for me to love you.’”
Then surely you will realize that this isn’t love at all—but merely personal preference
And opinionated prejudice on a platter.
Then ask yourself,
“What if Jesus asks me, ‘Did you love others as you love yourself?’”
What is the right answer?
Because we don’t get a second chance at this.
We don’t get another opportunity to wipe the slate clean, start over,
And love without limitations once we are facing the consequences of our actions on Judgment Day.
That will be it.
So now I conclude with this, once again:
“Seize the day. Love others.
Don’t forget to ask Jesus to fill you with a love for others that he has for you.
Then, surely, you will start to love without limitations,
You will embrace your neighbor with genuine risk of everything,
That you may be living as Jesus intended—
May you live the rest of your life at the fullest, and may the rest of your life start as soon as possible; only then will you share a love after His own heart.

Never too old for Firsts...

Well, vacation is over, and it was a wonderfully relaxing time, right up until we were rear-ended on the expressway, during rush hour traffic, in a construction zone, on the south side of Chicago on the drive home. Welcome back to the real world, Bud!

But now that we're home life continues on, and life's experiences continue... Last night I was visiting my new friend and something happened that had not happened to me in the context of a relationship that I could ever once recall- a relational first!- she asked me quite simply what my preferences were. In my younger days, before marriage, I dated alot, but since 1979 there's only been three significant relationships in my life, and I can't ever remember being asked what I like. The focus always seemed to be on how I could please my partner, on how to meet her needs, or wants, or desires. Never has somone asked me what I liked. Well, I thought, and thought, and didn't have an answer. And the enormity of the thought that I really didn't know what I wanted, or what I liked overwhelmed me. It was pretty depressing. And here's this beautiful angel wanting to know, actually caring about my desires, and I couldn't answer. So now I have to process, to figure out what I want, what I need, for her advice to me was, "It's okay not to give all the time." It is a very foreign feeling to have someone wanting to give to me without expectation of getting first, or in return. I pray that I never get too old to learn; I never expected that those things I'd have to learn would be so personal...

Vacation Time...

It is time, my friends, to take a break. Yes, it's my annual pilgrimage to the sand dunes at Silver Lake, Michigan, with my daughter and a friend of hers... I look forward to the rest, to catch up on some reading, and perhaps do a bit of personal writing as well... I have a friend who kids me (I hope!) and says I missed my calling- I should write romance novels... I have this mental image of me becoming that guy that Jack Nicholson portrayed so well in "As Good As It Gets". That's scary on so many levels! But I am considering doing a bit of writing just for the experience... I also would like to explore glass-blowing, for I think that is a really cool art. I just wonder if I have the time and patience to learn and practice... But I ramble here, so my apologies, and perhaps we'll touch base in a week or ten days! Enjoy the day, for it is your gift from the Father- yesterday is gone and tomorrow is yet to come but today is your present, from Him .

An open letter II...

Some three months ago now I posted an open letter to that elusive woman I desired to find for companionship, to share in my life and I in hers. Now it seems appropriate to post an addendum to that letter, for there now seems to be a face, and a laugh, and an identity to that elusive woman. So to her I write today, but here, in my forum, where I first wrote.

Sweetheart,

How do I begin to write my heart? How do I begin to try to express how incredibly blessed I feel in our relationship? Words seem to escape me...

I know you have a hard time believing me sometimes, when I tell you how beautiful I find you, yet if somehow you could see yourself from my perspective my words would make perfect sense, and the truth of my words would be all too evident to you. You sometimes compare yourself to others, in light of my words, and find fault in the believability of my ardor toward you. I recognize that there will always be someone younger, or prettier, or more handsome, or funnier, or smarter, more sophisticated, or richer, or smoother than we might be, and such comparisons will always find us wanting. So I compare you only to the desire of my heart, and to my heart there is no one that matches that desire as perfectly as you. To my heart, you are the most beautiful, the most desirous of women, exactly as you are. Any imperfections that you might see in yourself are only those things that make you so uniquely you...

I love doing life with you, doing those things we do together, the sharing of the mundane, of the everyday things we all must do which alone can be tedious or boring, but with you they are enjoyable, for we work together. I love the twinkle in your eyes, the smile that is always playing around your lips. I love your questions, and your willingness to share, to get to know each other's likes and dislikes, turn-offs and preferences. I love that surprise when I'm able to expose another facet of myself, when I reveal a strength that you can appreciate. And especially, I love your appreciation that you so openly express to me- appreciation for me, and for those things you allow me to do for you. I love our friendship, and the closeness I feel to you.

If you could somehow understand my heart and you could appreciate how fully you fill it, your consternation over my truths would quickly pass. Your kisses, your caress, your smile, the music of your laughter, fills me up. I find my life happier now than before you, I am content to share that which was once so personal and private with you, and it is clearly evident that I meet needs and desires in you. So thank-you for your friendship, for your openness, for your willingness to extend grace when I am not all I should be. Thank-you for being so uniquely you, and so so perfectly beautiful to me, just as you are.

If, through some unforseen cruelty of life, we were forced apart, if I was unable to be with you again, though my heart would be broken, it would still revel in the memories of you and our times together. You have made my life better, just by being in it and for that I am deeply grateful. I pray we have many more months and years together, to learn of each other, to do life, together.

I am, and will remain, your humble admirer.

Dale "Bud" Brauer