Hypocricy...

I really don't like hypocrites at all. Few people do. And yet, I fnd myself guilty of this very thing. I am a hypocrite. All my life I've been true to others' expectations, but not really true to myself. I've struggled with this before, yet seem to be stuck on the same path I've walked for a lifetime. You see, I've learned to become whatever is expected of me. I'm a good son, a good dad, a good Christian, a good boss, a good friend, a nice guy. But I'm not, deep down... I am not.

There is something fierce and savage in me that screams to get out, yet I have kept an iron hand on my heart for so long I have subdued it, pressed it into submission, quenched it's desire. Instead of following my heart I have forced my heart to follow my (or others') expectations. I have been suffocating my heart. For years. I am now a human chameleon, changing to fit expectations. I have learned to be whatever is desired- but not necessarily my desire. The truly sad thing is, God looks at the heart (I Sam 16:7). We usually think of that as his examination of our thoughts and motives, but I think it goes well beyond that. I think God looks at my heart and sees a supressed, beaten into submission, broken heart, for I have not been true to my heart for many years.

I want to live, to love, so completely and freely that my heart soars with the eagles. I want to save the beauty, my Beauty, from life's trials and tribulations, I want to follow the deep longings of my heart, the quest for adventure. I don't want my Beauty to be my adventure, but want to sweep her up into my adventure with me... But that scares people away. So I bind my heart, I become stoic and contained, domesticated on the outside while raging on the inside. I please others at the cost of my soul. I become a farce, a hypocrite. I think I was born about 150 yrs too late, for I feel the call to ride off in the wilderness, to lose myself among the majesties of creation, to follow the yearning of my heart. My heart is still wild, savage, untamed, desiring to be freed, yet bound in the chains of societal expectation. One day I will free my heart, one day I will find that one who desires to walk with me, to run with me, who will embrace the savage, who will desire to be rescued, and loved like never before. One day I will free my heart, and all will see I am not just a "nice guy". What society expects will not matter, what my heart wants it will pursue with reckless abandon, with a raw, wild, and untamed passion that is not for the faint of heart. And God will smile, and bless me and mine, for He will see my heart will be at last set free...
I think it time for a respite, but I will not seclude myself in my cave. No, it is time to explore creation, to chase after my heart, even if I walk alone, for all too long I've waited for my Beauty to walk with me, too long I sought without finding. Perhaps I seek in the wrong places. Perhaps she waits at the start of my adventure... So adieu, for a while anyway. May you discover your heart and follow its prompting...

A Special Memory...

Sometimes, in life, I find something unique
that sparks a memory when I see or speak
If negative, it might provoke denial
While positives can bring on a smile.
For me there's a thing that does stimulate
Memories that I think are great
And perhaps with another, sweet and fair,
The rememberance will a smile share.
...

Behind the walls...

I often feel misunderstood, frustrated, and alone. I don't understand myself sometimes, especially the depth of feeling that often stirs me, so I have little hope of another understanding me. Behind the stoic exterior is a boiling caldron of sometimes barely containable emotions. Wit and humor set a solid wall of defense against prying eyes and hearts. Even as I long to fully experience love I recognize the walls I've constructed to keep it away, or at least the negative consequences of the emotion. Fierce introspection lately has indeed revealed my heart's defenses and difficult characteristics of true love, that love which my heart longs for with untold passion...

I think everyone today longs to be loved, and indeed some are, while others of us continue to search. And yet, it is so elusive. Why? Because it is impossible to experience true love unless our heart is right, and is prepared to give as well as receive... True love is selfless and that flies against our very desire to protect our heart and all that our failed love experiences teaches us we need to do to avoid hurt. We are selfish; we want guarantees that we won't be hurt if we enter in to a relationship, we want the other to take the chance, we want control. We enter love like a kid afraid of a swimmimg pool- a toe first, maybe a foot after a minute more, then timidly, step by step, as it slowly engulfs us...

I think love is best experienced via the cannonball route. Not from a selfish prospetive, but a selfless one. If we truly love then our desire is first for our mate and their happiness. It is about giving up control, about putting the other above ourself... It is commiting to the other, being vulnerable and transparent, open and game free... It is a surrendering of self for the betterment of the relationship. It is the giving of our most precious resource; ourself, our soul. It is becoming fully vulnerable with no guarantees of happiness or success, just an abandonment to another with the trust that they will hold our heart as preciously and carefully as we need them to. It is a commitment to living without walls, defenseless, with our mate. And if our mate doesn't share these values we will be hurt, brutally and callously hurt. I know; to a severe degree I understand this. Takers thrive on givers...

It shouldn't be surprising to me to find this viewpoint so rare today, among those seeking love, for mostly the viewpoint is selfish- how to find love without going through pain, or failure, or mistakes of the past. Sometimes I find myself embracing such a desire. Yet to fully experience the depth and breadth of love, to fully embrace it's all-encompassing power, the possibility of hurt must be present. It is a characteristic of the Creation; man is a creature of choice, of free will, and every choice has two sides. Joy or hurt. Selfless or selfish. Guarded or open. Walled or vulnerable. Look at perfect love- look at Jesus Christ. Look at his choices. I want to love God, and love people as he did. Even more specifically, I want to fall in love with one who desires to love me with the same reckless abandon as I do her... The question is, am I willing to chance the hurt again? Am I willing to give me to another? Do I have the guts to do a cannonball, or will I be content to just test the waters? I would love to just be able to cut loose with that special someone, to shower them with love and affection as my heart desires, to engage in the Great Romance... But I am "too intense", too overwhelming when allowing my emotions free reign, so I slide behind my wall of stoicism, and hide my inner longings behind a facade of extroversion and wit. And I am frustrated, and alone... I don't know; it is a deeply conflicting issue...

2nd Chances...

Whatever name by which it goes,
my life it does enhance,
Replay, Do-over, or Mulligan,
It's still a second chance.

Not oft this life doest grant the grace
in matters of the heart
To allow us to make mistakes
then grant us a re-start.

So when those times, so rare and few,
happen on life's way
Embrace your luck and don't look back
For today is a new day.

A Definition...

I was pondering this morning about our desire for more- more than we have, often more than we need. It seems ultimately that we want to enjoy our time, and to do so we need to free it up. Society has sold us on the idea that we need things to play with in our free time to be able to enjoy that free time so we funnel our energies, and more importantly, our time, into the drive to make more money so we can buy things to help us enjoy our time, which we now have less of because we're working more, and harder, to accumulate money to buy those things to help us enjoy our free time, which is lessened by our work load and the subsequent burnout that follows, from which we must use more time to recuperate to be able to fully enjoy our time. So I think, in an abstract way, I've figured out this drive for more: What is is more than what was but less than what could be so we find dissatisfaction with what is for the sake of the could be though the was was abundant to meet our needs. There was time with was, less time with is, and far less in the pursuit of the could be. Food for thought...

True riches...

As I reflect on riches of this world, and on how so often we are driven by desire for possessions, I came to realize how rich I am becoming, for I am aquiring something special, something money cannot buy, something that is truly priceless, and dear to all. And I am learning to aquire it, though it may be one of the toughest commodities to obtain. I am learning to aquire time, or more specifically, free time.Life has a way of exacting a very heavy toll on our time, and we all seem to fall into the same trap; if we can only move faster then we can do more. If we can only do more we will be happy, fulfilled. But it's a lie, for the more driven we are the more hurried we feel. But learning to appreciate time, to take control of our moments, to learn to be time-rich brings about a sense of fulfillment. We take control, we own our lives, and our time again. We learn to live in the moment. Carl Jung said hurry is not of the devil, hurry is the devil.
Today I spent some of my time, time to rest, time to relax, time to kayak for the first time this season. I did a little work, but I also took today as a day to enjoy time. I soaked in the hot tub. I watched a movie. I built a fire and read my book for an hour or so on my new deck tonight, by firelight, with Mozart playing softly in the background. Tonight I enjoyed my riches. It was a great day, and night...

A Loner no longer...

I've been a loner most of my life. It was almost with a convoluted sense of pride that I felt I didn't need anyone, that I could stand alone. But these last few years, as I've begun to experience the joy of community with others it has become apparent to me how flawed my earlier thinking was. Now I've learned that I don't necessarily need others, but as I began to experience the joys and benefits of community I began to want it. Then, as the desire to meet that want grows, I've discovered that I do need others... How's that for circuitous linear thinking?

So what has community done for me? For starters, I've come to enjoy the gift of giving, and that is not something a loner often experiences... I love to see a need and just meet it; I've learned the greatest blessings come when giving with no thought or expectation of return. Sometimes I might be taken advantage of, however, if I know going in that the possibility exists, am I really? Sure, I've been criticized for being too free with my resources, but my standard I measure my action by is, if Jesus were here what would he do, or what would he desire me to do? Often the action is a no-brainer.

Another blessing of community is the friendships themselves. Realizing that I truly like people and can feel their honest liking for me is really incredible. Actually missing them when apart, and realizing they've missed me too, by their response when reunited is uniquely fulfilling. Hearing, "I missed you", and feeling actual joy at seeing them is something a loner doesn't often experience...

People and relationships can be work for me, can be taxing. One thing I didn't experience very often as a loner was the disappointment that ultimately comes in relationships, for we are all human, and destined to fail, no matter how hard we try. When I was alone people didn't disappoint, for I didn't expect anything. As a member of community I've found that disappointment is inevitable, but it is my response that is important. I can choose to be adversely affected, withdraw and be disappointed, or I can choose to extend grace, to be intentional in preserving the sanctity of the relationship... Community done right teaches grace, fellowship, and generousity...

Age vs Agelessness...

I think I'm older than God. Really. Not that I'm all that old, but I think God is eternally young, for he is eternal, and I am far closer to death and dying than God ever will be. Man is born to die, and every living moment is a moment closer to death; the older we get the closer to dying. My God doesn't have to worry about that, for he is the Uncreated, and death has no sway over Him. He is eternally young, and when I think of my youth I remember things as new, and fresh, and the excitement of discovery... Imagine an eternity of new and fresh and exciting!

It's true that chronologically God has been around many more years than I (an eternity, to be exact) but I don't think an eternal God ages, for he is outside the constraints of time, therefore can be forever young, forever fresh, forever exciting. He is abundant life. So why do I picture him as young, and not an old guy sitting up in heaven dictating things? Because the older I get, the more I observe people as they age, the more I realize we tend to lose our zest for life. We get in ruts, the day-to-day grind wears on us, we allow life's problems to drag us down. Look around, it's the kids who live life abundantly. They're not able to care for themselves, feed themselves, meet their daily needs, yet they find joy in living, they find abundance in their life. So I've got to think, abundant living must have something to do with that total abandonment to the one who loves me, and promises to meet my every need, want, and desire, just as little kids abandon their needs to the ones who love them and care for them (that would be their parents!)

I was sitting in the hot tub tonight, looking up at the millions of stars in the heavens and couldn't help but think how arrogant we are here on Earth. I'm a micro-organism on a speck of dirt on the edge of one out of countless solar systems on the fringe of an immeasureable galaxcy, and I think my day-to-day problems are relevant and important. I do think they're important to God, but only because they're important to me, and he loves me unconditionally so my problems are his concerns too. Yet if I ever learned to view life from an eternal perspective I think my day-o-day troubles would disappear, for I would be totally abandoned to my Heavenly Father, and he can handle anything! The amazing thoughts tonight though, were that, despite the uncalcuable size of the heavens, despite the millions and billions of stars, each with the possibility of their own solar systems, their own creations, there is something beyond the heavens... We know, for the Bible tells us so. Genesis, chapter one decribes the second and third days of creation as follows:

"And God said, "Let there be an expanse between the waters to separate water from water." So God made the expanse and separated the water under the expanse from the water above it. And it was so. God called the expanse "sky" (or, "the heavens"). And there was evening, and there was morning-- the second day. And God said, "Let the water under the sky be gathered to one place, and let dry ground appear." And it was so. God called the dry ground "land," and the gathered waters he called "seas." And God saw that it was good." (NIV, v.6-10)

So the question for today is, "What did God do with the waters that he separated that are above the heavens?" Food for thought...

Fall in the Garden...

I was reading again this morning the creation account in Genesis, and several things struck me, but one thought was new and worthy of further consideration... As God spoke creation into being, as he created man and animals, he did so out of the dust of the Earth (Adam: ch.2, v.7- animals: ch.2, v.19), but when he created woman it was out of Adam's rib (Eve: ch.2, v21-22). I think it is interesting that of all God's creation only woman was created out of different material than all the rest of creation, only woman formed out of living organism... Woman was formed out of man, yet is delightfully unique from all of creation! What a blessing! Perhaps we as men have too long done a disservice to our counterparts, holding them as lesser than us rather than acknowledging their wonderful uniqueness- equal but different... Food for thought.

I was also reminded this morning, as I reread this account, that God created man in the wild, and placed him in the Garden, and gave to man the ultimatum not to eat from the tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil before Eve was created... It was man's responsibility to protect that mandate, and though Eve was decieved, Adam was clearly there and did nothing to stop the deception... Though we blame Eve for being the deceived one the reality is that it was Adam's responsibility to protect not only the mandate of God, but also Eve from the deception. Adam failed both Eve and God...

The other thing I found interesting about the whole Garden of Eden account was the incredible size that the Garden must have encompassed. For kicks and giggles I called up a map of the headwaters of the Tigris and Euphrates rivers (two of the four rivers that flowed out of the headwaters of the river that flowed from the Garden of Eden- the other two rivers are not there today) and the area encompassed is huge! Imagine living in a garden that is the size of a good size state! Each day you could explore and experience something new, something fresh, everything there for your delight. It shows how even before the Fall, before the deception, our human nature was to want what we cannot have. Adam and Eve were given everything, but with only one restriction, and they had to break that one restriction. Just like us today...

Love is Not Enough...

Well, I'm off my break and back to writing a bit. This past week I took some time off and built a deck. As I have never built a deck before it was an experience. But I'm pleased with the results, and my retired neighbor and my father both gave it a passing grade (actually I think they were impressed, at least a little bit), and I respect their opinions greatly... So now I have a nice place to put the hot tub, and the grill, and to relax...

If I've learned one thing in my relational life it is that Love is not enough. Even if both people are deeply in love with each other it is not enough to sustain and grow a relationship. After listening to many, many people, (both men and women), say after failed relationships, "I know what I want. I won't settle next time. I'd rather be alone than to settle for less than I want/deserve." Well, get ready to be alone. That's what I've learned, for "not settling" is really a negative way of saying you're not willing to compromise, and without compromise love cannot survive a relationship between two flawed and imperfect people. Compromise is the art of learning to give a little in order to get much more. It's negotiating in love. It's telling your partner that meeting their needs or desires is as important to you as you having yours met by them. When done right it is mutually fulfilling; when not practiced it reduces the relationship into a "me-first" mentality and ultimately the relationship dies.

It's amazing how easy it is to cast blame away from ourselves for failed relationships- blame the other for not being what we wanted or expected, yet how willing are we to own our own stubborness or unyielding spirit? It's interesting to listen to both side, both stories of a failed relationship; rarely are they even close to the same, and when shared together are often laced with accusatory and inflamatory rebuttals, like, "That's a lie!", or, "I didn't do that!" We tend to recognize our mate's failings with ease, yet refuse to acknowledge their criticisms as having any validity at all... And so we pack our shortcomings away and haul them along with us into our next relationship, to be opened and aired in our next confrontation... And the cycle begins again...

If we are to expect success, if we want relational conformity to our desires, we must be willing to give ourselves, to negotiate, to compromise, or failure is emminent yet again. Success comes from our expression that our mate's needs are important to us, and we are willing to move off our position to meet them, just as our mate also expresses their desire to meet our needs. This isn't "settling", it is learning to be flexible and pliable within the context of a relationship. If both people have the same bottom line- the relationship is important and our desire is to be together- then it is easier to move off our position to a middle ground, for our ultimate desire is to be together, and to be happy together... And that's the key: Mutual compromise = togetherness.

Unashamed...

I believe that everyone deserves a second chance, that we all mess up in life, at some time or another, and receiving a little grace, or an unexpected kindness, can perhaps be a catalyst to helping someone turn themselves around. For several years now I've adopted the philosophy of hiring people who, through not-so-good decision-making in their past, might now be considered a "risk", or difficult to employ... Though occassionally I get burned by someone who proves not to merit my trust for the most part I've found solid, reliable, and gratefully loyal employees. Recently I had an experience with one the humbled me.

This particular individual had both drug and alcohol problems in his past, and influenced him into making some poor lifes decisions. Several of those poor decisions landed him in prison. While there he "found Jesus" and came out a different man. I was impressed enough with his humility, and honesty concerning his past, to hire him. In these ensuing weeks I've noticed him emerging from a bit of a shell, and becoming more vocal about his faith. The other day he returned from a customer's and told me that they were "church guys" too. They'd shared a bit and my guy told them he worked for a "church guy" too. For just the briefest of moments I was annoyed by that, that he would be sharing my beliefs with another...

Then I was ashamed of myself, for I realized that he was right and I was wrong. He had found hope, and it was real, and it was saving grace at a time in his life that he'd hit rock bottom. Now, as things were improving and life was looking better he wasn't forgetting that hope that sustained him during those dark hours. He was unashamed of his hope, his faith, and was willing to share it despite what people might think of him. Who was I to care what someone might think of me, especially in light of an eternal perspective: (Luke 12:8-9) "I tell you, whoever acknowledges me before men, the Son of Man will also acknowledge him before the angels of God. But he who disowns me before men will be disowned before the angels of God.(NIV)

As I read on Jesus said: "Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions."(12:15 NIV) It made me realize how our possessions can rob us of our focus of what's really important. Being concerned with what we have often consumes us at the expense of who we are becoming, until we find ourselves being defined by our possessions. What becomes important is what we have, not who we are or know. Possessions trump relationships. Yet what we have could be gone in a heartbeat, leaving us with who we are, and if we've defined our lives by our possessions we are an empty shell. It's no accident that Jesus spoke on the importance of our relationship with him first and possessions second, for that's God's order: Relationships first, possessions second...

As I reflect, I knew someone briefly to whom possessions were important, that the status of what she had defined her very life, her very speech patterns. I recognized quickly the importance of status to her, and the relatively low priority on who I was, who I really am deep inside. It was painfully clear that our relationship would never develop as I wished for I desired depth, a linear relationship of growth, while she desired a much more superficial relationship, for she wasn't defined by who she was, but by what she had and desired, and that is a surface relationship only... Though painful, for I liked her, I realized I would not get the relationship I desired there...

I'm glad my new friend holds onto to his hope, and is there to remind me of the importance of relationships, not possessions, and to acknowledge my Heavenly Father in my life daily...

Habit Formation...

I think the greatest lesson I've come to realize over these past several years is the need to be intentional. It doesn't matter if it's in my physical life or spitritual life, the need to be intentional is paramount for growth to occur. We have become a lazy people, often disguising our laziness with our busyness, or our activities, but they are merely excuses to hide behind. The truth is we are all given the same amount of time each day, and how we choose to use our time (or allow our time to use us) determines how productive or lazy we are. I used to be a list-maker, and still do mentally, and physically on occassion, to prioritize my activity in an attempt to be more productive. Yet often a list doesn't help me to actually do what is necessary; it just reminds me of tasks awaiting completion.

I've had to learn to set aside specific time to do specific things that I need to be intentional about doing, then I have to be intentional about honoring that time with that activity. I've found that it doesn't take long for that process to become a habit. It made me realize how I've been unconsciously doing this very thing for years and forming negative habits. Eating junk food late at night, watching sitcoms at dinner(the same reruns for the 14th time), hitting the snooze alarm for another 10 minutes of sleep(like it'll help refresh me any more), or the many other "bad" habits I have slid into over the years. So I began to think, "Why are bad habits so easy to form and good habits much harder?". The answer is simple: We gravitate toward lazy, toward the easy way of doing something. Not the right way, or the best way, but the easy way. Our bent is away from intentional. So how does being intentional benefit us?

I beleive that learning to be intentional with life gives us several advantages. First, we begin to experience control in our life, for we dictate our time, rather than feeling like we're being dicatated to. We control our choices, our activities, rather than being controled, for we make the choice as to what we do. Our world returns to order, which is how God originally created it and us, so we find greater harmony in our life. The second thing, (and most amazing thing that I've found) is that we become much more efficient with our time, and we begin to experience blocks of free time, (sometimes large blocks!) to begin to do other things that we've never had time or energy to do before. In essence, we've begun the process of unlearning bad habits and replacing them with good ones. (Often people try unsuccessfully to break a bad habit and end up right back in it because to break a bad habit, or any habit, you must replace it with another action or activity, or the void left bt the departed habit will drift back into what is "known").

These two results are enough reason to strive for intentionality in our lives, but there's more. As we do those things we know we should do, as we experience success in areas we recognize as important we begin to feel a sense of accomplishment, of satisfaction with our labors, and we begin to find ourselves happier, with a higher sense of self-esteem, for we are doing what we know is right, and that feels good. And life becomes richer... So I want to become more intentional in all aspects of my life...

Dead love...

Love is a powerful aphrodisiac, and the residual feelings of love linger long after the realization that the relationship is unhealthy and over... I was amazed, this past weekend, when I encountered my last love, my last significant relationship, that one of four years duration, at coming face to face with her, how incredibly strong the desire was to respond to the promise in her eyes, the invitation in her body language and demeanor. The memories of all that was good in the relationship, with the unrealistic thoughts that perhaps there was change were almost overwhelming. And yet, the lesson learned, finally, that past behavior is the best indicator of future performance was a cold shower, a reality check, to the powerfully addictive emotions of hope and love...

It made me appreciate anew those who can't seem to leave an unhealthy relationship, who fluctuate between denial and desire, that allow another to dictate or control them. The grip that emotions can be so unyielding if we cannot stand strong against them, for even after the temptation is withstood the memory of past hope, past love, stirs desire- not desire of what will be, but desire of what we wish will be, and that difference, that distinction is huge...Too often the desires of the heart overrides the clarity of the head, but today, this past weekend, the head triumphed over the heart. I am a bit sad, but wiser, for I recognized the reality of future pain is greater than the promise of the rekindled love... But that doesn't make dealing with the emotions any easier...

Assumptions...

Have you ever looked up the definition of assume, or assuption? I did, and Webster sure did a good job of making his definition murky clear... But we all know what it is to assume, or make assumptions, for we all do it. I believe the most concise definition, for our purposes, (for there are multiple meanings of the word), is to conclude or accept something as true without first ascertaining the relevant facts (not a definition you'll find in Webster's, but then he's not perfect either, or so I assume...). Years ago I watched an episode of "The Odd Couple" (with Tony Randall and Jack Klugman), and Tony Randall gave the cutest reprimand to Klugman. He said, "Do you know what happens when you ASSUME? You make an ASS of U and ME." It probably wasn't original with him, but it stuck with me through all these years, so I thank him for it.
So the question is, why do we assume, why do we jump to conclusions that have no basis in fact what-so-ever? Why do our conclusions most often assume the worst? Why are we willing to assume something bad before assuming something good? I believe it all reverts back to ourselves- we know we aren't perfect, and we make mistakes, and we fail, so naturally you fail too. If I might screw up then certainly you will. We might not do this on a conscious level, but we all do it on a subconscious one. It takes intentional thought not to assume the worst, and natural thought to assume the worst. We are not intentional thinkers by nature, and few are by discipline or training. Therefore, we negatively impact our relationships in which we assume.
What would happen, if instead of assuming, we choose to ask, "Where were you? What did you mean? Why didn't you call? Who was that?" and the many more questions that would give relevant facts to a situation instead of assuming (the worst). Knowing is freedom, and often asking is the only real way to know. Yet we fear to hear the truth that we so desperately want, so we choose to believe the assumption which has no grounding in truth. Yet asking before assuming, before forming our opinion, is the first proactive step in intentional thinking. Asking, and knowing first allows for open dialogue, for we are not forced to overcome a negative perception, to "argue" our defense when we've done no wrong in reality, only in the flawed world of the assumption...
Relationships will happen, but successful relationships are intentional. We must choose to act in a manner counter to our natural instincts, to put the relationship ahead of our own selves... Food for thought...

Love Guilt...

I've written before that love is regressive, that the longer we remain in community with another, as long as our relationship continues to grow in a positive direction, love becomes messy. We let down our defenses, we show more and more of our inner selves, we become more vulnerable, a step at a time, as we get that positive reinforcement that we are still loved, and accepted. We become more known, we learn the inner secrets of our partner. As we give more of ourselves, as we reveal more of our warts and imperfections, and as we gain more insight into our partner, we also find a negative fruit of love- guilt.
It's interesting to think of love as spawning guilt, but because we are imperfect in ourselves and our love, we will experience both hurt and failings in our responses to our mates. We can't learn to really love unless we're willing to run the risks of hurting and failing. The rememberance of these hurts, these failings of ours (not necessarily those of our partner's) will produce guilt, regrets, that questioning of how to do things better, or how to do or act differently. And especially if the relationship fails, then guilt really plays on us. Our reaction is to close down, to not allow ourselves to become vulnerable, to not want to replay or relive those hurts or failings, and we cripple ourselves in our attempts at a successful future love relationship.
So what to do? We need to embrace our failings, own our wrongs, our hurts and learn from them. We need to be intentional in our desire not to create the same mistakes, to repeat our failures. And we need to be willing to be to vulnerable. It amazes me that so often we can't seem to own our faults. I think too often we feel our self-esteem can't handle our admissions of guilt so we supress those thoughts, those feelings. And guilt eats us away. And we close ourselves off, shut ourselves down. Owning our failings is the most freeing thing we can do, for it allows us to move forward, and releases us from guilt's grip. It will even build our self-esteem, as we learn that we can own our faults and move forward, that it doesn't tear us down. We often find it easy to extend grace to those who wrong us; we need to learn to extend grace to ourselves...

A Prophet...

I read this this morning, and felt it really worth sharing. It was written by Stuart Briscoe. "What is a prophet? In Jesus' day a prophet was also called a seer- a person who sees. A seer looks past the immediate to the ultimate. He has been given the perspective of God himself and is able to see the meaning behind events. Unfortunately, because we are committed to the cult of immediacy, in the fast pace of our modern day we often do not realize the consequences of what we do. All we are interested in is an immediate solution to a present problem...

We moderns seem to be more concerned about quick fixes and immediacy than we are about long-term consequences. That's why cosmetic companies are doing so well. As long as we look good we are likely to feel good about ourselves. If we look good and feel good about ourselves, nothing else matters.

Unfortunately, we've bought into a lie. What really matters is not whether I look or feel good, but whether I am good. The true seer can see past the cosmetic (looking good), he can see through the feeling good; and he can concentrate on the issues that determine whether we are good or evil. This was the vision of John the Baptist, and it has to be the vision of anyone who claims to be a real man."

Wow. I think I found a whole new perspective on this "gimme now" generation of ours... There is so much to be learned by stepping back and stepping outside of the rush of society. Thank-you, Stuart, for your insight... for broadening my understanding...

The Weatherman...

Trees are budding, the grass is green,
Signs of spring, everywhere are seen.
The golf courses open, we can't wait to go!
Then the weatherman says, "let's brace for some snow."
What's this guy's problem, to say this to us now?
Doesn't he know we're not gonna plow?
Winter is over, spring has come!
I say we go to the station and string up that bum!
Where does he get off ruining our day?
Who's gonna want to go outside and play?
The time has come to rise up, take a stand
We'll not be bullied by a TV weatherman.
If he sees we're serious, that we'll not turn and run
I'll bet he forecasts warm weather and sun!
So rise up my friends; enough is enough!
If we want our warm weather we'll have to get tough!

Another year...

Well, another year is coming to a close, another birthday just around the corner. Last year I posted 20 or so questions (21 to be exact) that have plagued my mind, and to be quite honest, no one thought enough to answer these for me, so here I sit, almost another year older and not really much wiser... I try to learn, to keep my mind active, but still I come up short... I won't repeat those same questions that bother me; if you're interested they're in last April's blogs, but here are a couple of new ones...

What's another word for synonym?
If signmakers go on strike is there anything printed on their signs?
If you buy a box of cotton balls are you supposed to throw the top one away?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
Why does the sun lighten our hair but darken our skin?
Why can't women put masscara on with their mouth closed?
Why don't psychics ever win the lottery?
Why is "abreviated" such a long word?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, but dish-washing soap made with real lemons?

I have learned a few things, to be fair to myself, so the year hasn't been totally wasted. I've learned:

Grocery clerks ask if I want paper or plastic because baggers can't be choosers.
"Instant credit" really means "instant debt".
Even if you're nobody's fool someone still might adopt you.
For every person with a spark of genius there's hundreds experiencing ignition trouble.
To properly tickle a rich girl you have to say, "Gucci, Gucci, Gucci".
Under no circumstances should I ever take a sleeping pill and laxative in the same night.
Going to church doesn't make someone a Christian any more than standing in the garage makes them a car.
Artificial intellegence is no match for natural stupidity.
Someone who is nice to me but rude to a waiter is not a nice person.
There is no evidence to support the notion that life is serious.
An amateur built the Ark. A team of professionals built the Titanic. Think about it.
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
Eat well, exercise, stay fit. You'll die anyway.
And last: Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

Another year comes to a close in a couple of weeks. Boy, I hope next year the questions get easier...