Options...

Options are funny things. Like traveling a road and coming to a fork, we've got options... We go left, or right, or back, or stay right where we are. Two roads, four options. The more the choices presented, the more the options exponentially grow. Yet every decision, depite the possibility of numerous options, there are two basic choices; we stay where we are or we move forward. Moving forward continues the experience of life's journey, standing pat puts us in a holding pattern, and a static pattern creates a rut.
I think "keeping our options open" is something we tell ourselves when we are afraid of our choices, our options, and so place ourselves in a holding pattern. Yet it becomes more and more difficult to hold our options open, for life has a way of moving forward, even when we are hesitant to do so ourselves. Sometimes our options are taken from us, the choice is made by the circumstances of life's constant move forward, and our desire to "hold open" our other choices is removed, and the choice is made for us. Perhaps not what we ultimately desire, but what we are left with as a result of our inability to decide when life presented us with choices.
There are always options in life; there's not always choice is we fail to be proactive and decisive.

Old dogs can still learn...

Tonight I am most grateful that I'm not too old to learn new truths. Sometimes truth is so obvious that it's missed because we just look everywhere but right in front of us... Tonight I realized a truth that I should have many years ago; I learned why I am willing to be vulnerable, willing to love despite repeated hurts.
I am almost fifty years old, and I can count the number of significant personal relationships I've had on one hand (and have fingers left), and though there were many good memories the emotional and physical abuse I suffered made me wonder how I could ever, or would ever love again. And yet somehow I knew that happiness is ultimately found in community, in personal relationships where I allow others to get to know me. I knew the deep, sacrificial love of a parent for their child, I knew the love of a son, as my parents stood by me all through my life. I knew the love of a husband to his wife, and I knew the pain of unrequited love. I thought I understood love pretty well, but tonight I realized it isn't about my understanding, it isn't about my capacity to love or forgive.
The ability to be vulnerable, to truly love, deeply, compassionately, selflessly cannot be achieved until I fully accept in my heart that pure and perfect and sacrificial love of my Lord. It is not enough to understand it intellectually; embracing love is key. "Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him." (IJohn 4:16) It's not about me and my capacity to love, but about His unlimited boundless capacity to love me, and as I learn to just live in that love my capacity to love grows exponentially. Yes, I'm told I look like an easy mark to some, and some may think they can take advantage, but are they really, if I am aware, and if I choose out of love, to allow it? Then the choice is mine, just as Jesus Christ, who, out of his endless love for me, chose to willingly walk into the hands of those who ridiculed and persecuted him, and ultimately put him to death. He loved me enough to die; I long to recipricate that love, to Him, and to others.

Focus...

No matter how you cut it, as a society we've really screwed up our focus. If we were to write down those things that worry us today, seal it in an envolope, and open it in a year how relevant do you think those things would be? Would they even be remembered? We worry today about so many temporal unimportant things, for our trust is in ourselves, in our things, rather than in the One who can sustain us, not just in the here and now, but for eternity.
We don't often think about concepts like eternity, for they are infinite and our minds are finite and unable to grasp the enormity of what terms like infinity and eternity and nothingness mean. But try wrapping your mind around Eternity for a moment. Let's say you've got a boulder, a thousand feet high, a thousand feet deep, and a thousand feet wide. Starting now, and once every thousand years, you drip a drop of water on it. When that boulder has been completely eroded by your water Eternity will still be in it's infancy...
We're like somone who picks up a shattered mirror and looks at their reflection. Though the image is fractured and distorted we think we see clearly, that the image is accurate. It becomes our focus, and our focus is wrong... We worry about things, we save and accumulate, we try to hedge against a future we cannot know... Our world can be turned completely around in a heartbeat: someone runs a red light and you're there, or a wire shorts out and your home is gone, or you hear the words. "I'm sorry, it's malignant." We cannot know what the future holds, yet we work so hard to cover "every" contingency, and still we fail...
So where should our focus be, if not on the uncertainty of this life? Perhaps we should focus on what will affect our eternity rather than the temporal. Our Father promises to take care of us today so we can concentrate on what is important. Luke 12:24 tells us to, "consider the ravens. They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn: and yet God feeds them. How much more valuable are you than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" In Matthew, Mark, and Luke, all record the story of the rich man who wanted to know how to inherit eternal life. He kept the commandments, did all that the world considered good and right, and wanted to know if that was enough. Jesus told him to sell his "bling" and give it to the poor. And the man went away sad, for he was very wealthy.
It's not that being wealthy is wrong, nor is owning things wrong, but it is wrong when your things own you. It's all about the heart, the focus. When things become more important than Jesus then your focus is wrong. Pure and simple. Things come and go, but Jesus is eternal. What we do in the eyes of this world- status, success, wealth- have no bearing on our eternal soul. God looks at the heart, for where our treasure is there our heart will be also (Luke 12:34). God wants us to treasure Him, not things. If we learn to get our priorities straight, and our trust placed correctly, then God will cover all our needs, wants, and desires. In Malachi Chapter 3, verse 10 the Lord is literally pleading with us for our faithfulness and trust. He says, "Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this," says the Lord Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it."
So with a promise like that why don't we trust Him? Pehaps we don't want to admit our view is fractured and distorted... As Judge Judy so eloquently stated, "Beauty fades, but dumb is forever"...

The birth of an Emotion...

Funny thing, but way back in the Garden of Eden, when Satan tempted Adam and Eve with the choice to eat of the forbidden fruit and learn of good and evil, more than sin entered the world with their decision. An new emotion was born as a result of their choice, an emotion that has since caused more grief to mankind than any other- the emotion of "guilt".

Even before God confronted Adam over his choice, and the violation of God's law, Adam felt guilt, for by choosing to violate God's command he immediately severed community with God. Prior to his eating of the fruit Adam experienced perfect community with the Divine; he could enter into God's presence perfect and unashamed. But after his sin, his willfull disobedience, he could no longer face God, for God cannot be in the presence of sin. Adam felt shame, and guilt, the emotional response to his wrong.

Interestingly, this emotion has become Satan's strongest resource to defeat Christians and drive a wedge between those who don't know Jesus personally and God. God does not allow Satan free will to attack us, so his most effective tools are guilt and intimidation, both designed to stimulate negative emotional responses with us. We become our own stumbling block in our restoration of our relationship(s) with God and man. So many times I heard someone say they "don't deserve" grace, or they are "too bad" for God to ever love them... That is guilt, pure and simple. God has already loved us enough to pay the price for our sin; he has bridged that gap that Adam created and restored to each of us the possibility of entering into community with him again, by sending his son to die on the cross, the perfect sacrifice made out of of a perfect love, to appease perfect justice. So if the price is paid, if the love and grace are extended to anyone who chooses to receive, then why don't we? Guilt, the guilt of our sin.

Look at what David said, as he was tormented by his guilt over his affair with Bathsheeba:

"Blessed is he whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the man whose sin the LORD does not count against him and in whose spirit is no deceit. When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. For day and night your hand was heavy upon me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer. Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, "I will confess my transgressions to the LORD"-- and you forgave the guilt of my sin." (Ps. 32 NIV)

Note that David didn't rejoice or find relief in the forgiving of his sin- God had already forgiven the sin. It was when he confessed his sin, when he acknowledged his wrong then God was able to remove the guilt of his sin. Guilt is the emotional hook that Satan uses to try and control us. And, interestingly enough, it is the hook we use to try and control each other, whether within the family, friendships, and even business. We have become so used to the cause and effect of guilt that we can experience it even when we have done no wrong... Learning to unpack our guilt is a freeing experience, for we break the age-old bond that ties us up and prevents living fully and abundantly... Food for thought...

Trust II...

I wrote on the subject of trust last August, and in retrospect find it all relavent still, so I'll try not to repeat myself, at least not too much... One comment I made though, that I'd like to expound on a bit, is how fragile trust is. I must revisit that thought a moment, for as fragile as trust can be it is the glue that holds a relationship together and there are many, many relationships that have stood the test of time. Why? Because the trust, the glue that bonds two people together, is so strong. It made me realize that to outside influnences trust can be strong and unbreakable; it is vulnerable only from within the relationship. Only one of those within the circle of trust can break it. It is like our personal castle; we are safe within our relationship from outside attacks. It is not until one who is in the castle decides to lower the drawbridge that the castle becomes vulnerable. Until then it is impervious to attack or seige.

I learned something else about trust. In my previous blog I spoke of the hurt of being betrayed, and the natural tendency to withdraw. I've learned that there's hurt too, when we're the betrayer, especially if it's unintentional. To experience betrayal, and all the hurt that accompanies it, then to inflict that hurt on another that we care about, no matter how unintentional, is even more devistating. We know and understand the pain of the betrayed, in essence we relive it through the memories of our past experiences, but we add to it the guilt of inflicting it on a loved one. It's a boatload of negative emotion. The only salve is the understanding and grace of the one betrayed, the willingness of the other to remain vulnerable. It makes us appreciate all the more the concept of grace...

Personally, through my past life experiences, I still have issues with trust, and perhaps always will, but I think the main element of trust is commitment, and perhaps with the growth of commitment trust will naturally repair itself... I don't know; I'll have to think about this some more... Food for thought...

My Best Friend...

Can you imagine if someone came along the sports scene who was perfect? In basketball, he never missed a shot, never turned the ball over, never played out of control, not just for a game, or a season, but for his career. Or in baseball, he never misplayed a ball, never got picked off base, never made an out, not just for one game, or one season, but for his career. Or football; he never threw an interception, never fumbled, never dropped a pass, or never missed a tackle, not for a game, or a season, but for a career. Can you imagine the reaction? Of course, his team would love him, for he's a ringer, a can't miss. With the game on the line he will never let you down. But think of the opposition; they couldn't help but hate him, for he's makes the game unfair, he takes the element of chance out of it, he almost certainly spells defeat for you if the ball is in his hands. Your only option is to try and take him out of the game, to give up the ball, to make one of his teammates beat you- and they aren't perfect... He's the ultimate nightmare to defense against.
Well, he was here, though there's no record of him playing professional sports. He walked this earth, perfect. Can you imagine how frustrating it would be to be his brother or sister? No matter what you did wrong, you were busted, 'cause if he knew about it and Mom asked, well, he never told a lie. He was the oldest, never made a mistake, never had an impure thought, or said an impure word, never cursed, or smoked, but he did drink and party, but in perfect moderation. He was Mom and Dad's favorite, the teacher's pet, the perfect friend. And you had to follow that act.
But more than that, he was perfect love, and perfect grace, and perfect forgiveness. He did no wrong, yet loved enough to sacrifice himself for others' wrongs, to pay the price for our errors, our fumbles, our turnovers. Though he never missed he was willing to take the heat for us when we did. He stepped up as the perfect friend, and offers us a choice; accept his willingness to take our heat as a free gift, or reject it and we can face the music for our screwups ourselves. Be his friend, enter into a relationship with him, or reject his offer like the opposition did. It's pretty cut and dried.
The whole deal is, we make it tougher than it is. We are called to be like him, so we focus on his perfection which we can never hope to attain. We build up a bunch of rules, regulations to make us "better" but we will never attain what we percieve as perfect. The reality is, when he calls us to be like him he doesn't want perfection from us, for he knows that's impossible. He wants us to learn to love, and forgive, and extend grace like he did. This is what it means to be like him. Stick the rules and regulations and learn to love one another without reservation. It's the difference between "Religion" and Christianity as he lived it. He snubbed the rules regularly; he violated the religious mores of his day repeatedly, but he he never failed to love, or extend grace, or forgive a wrong. It's walking the walk, not just talking the talk.
It amazes me how short-sighted we are. We live on this earth seventy to eighty years as a rule, and while on earth we are each faced with the personal dilemma of is this all there is? Or if there's something more after this life, what is it? Why are we here? It seems like we've got plenty of time to figure it out, but we get so busy with life that our time passes and we let the eternal just slide and focus on the temporal, the here and now. What is more important, what you do for these seventy or so years you're given, or where you'll spend eternity? That's a whole lot of seventy years strung together! We don't commit to him, who is either exactly who he said he was- or he was a raving liar and lunitic. Personally, there way too many facts to support his claims as true to discount him as liar and lunitic, so if he's who he claimed, then what he says must also be true. So why take the chance of screwing up eternity because we're so short-sighted today? Meet Jesus.

Elvis...

I was listening to a CD of Elvis the other day, his love songs, and, as I listened to his words, I couldn't help notice how sad the lyrics were. It got me thinking of other "love songs" and how many are so sad, or about unrequited love, failed relationships, broken hearts... We should rename them "love-lost songs". But more importantly, it got me to thinking how important love is to our lives. To be loved gives a sense of belonging; it give a sense of security that I am accepted despite my scars and warts and shortcomings. It means that I am not alone emotionally. Man is a social creature, and was not created to walk alone through life. Love is an essential ingredient in our happiness.

I tried to think of someone I might know, or know of, that seemed truly happy yet wasn't loved by anybody. No one came to mind. And I thought of all the people who seek to be happy, who seek fulfillment or contentment through work, or fame, or acomplishment, through humanitarian acts, relationships, partying, friends, any number of ways to fill their time. Yet the answer is so simple. You want to be happy? Love. Love and you will be loved.

To really love though, to love that brings joy, pure love is messy. Too often people try to love neatly- they love with their own imposed limits, they apply restrictions to what they'll give, and that doesn't work. You're ultimately short-changing your happiness. Love like Jesus loved, without judgement, without prejudice, without reserve. Jesus never judged anyone that he wasn't willing to die out of love for first. (And for that matter, the only people Jesus really judged were the religious leaders of his day; now there's food for thought). To learn to love with total abandon is messy, because those that need love the most are rarely a neat package. But to love, and have that love returned is a joy that cannot be contained. Love, true love, is contagious, and can't be contained. It just spills out into every area of our life, and it's fun, and happy, and people respond, even when they don't want to. Because it's contagious. Get love, get happy. Spread the disease.

Life's Entrees...

. I don't pretend to understand women, but being a man I have some fair understanding of the male gender, and being a student of human nature, I have given considerable study to relationships, which I believe allows me some latitude to expostulate the reasoning of both genders in seeking out personal relationships. That being said, I thought of a fairly relevant word picture to help describe relationships...
. Picture, if you will, a banquet table, which represents our life, or more specifically, our time in life (I did resist the urge to call it our "timetable"). We all have choices as to what is most important; family, career, friends, things (wealth), relationships (specifically spouse), noteriety (fame), etc. At best, an individual can concentrate on one or two of these at any given time in life if he wants to achieve a high degree of success. These are the entrees in his life. The more entrees he attempts to handle the lower the degree of success he will have in attaining success. Literally, he has too much on his plate. This is why so many men who focus on their career find that after a successful career, an acumulation of wealth (things), their relationship with their spouse is non-existent. They are labeled workaholics, and the complaint is they were never there for the wife and/or kids. They end up divorced, and alone, trying to figure out what went wrong when he "gave her everything", while the guy who doesn't accumulate as much seems to be relationally richer, and happy.
Yet the fault is not entirely the man, for women (generally speaking), have a much higher degree of need for security, and a man who accumulates things feeds that need. So women seek men who are "driven", or success-oriented, for it fuels that first and most basic instinctive need for security. But after finding such a man, and feeling a measure of security, their desires, or needs, turn to wanting relational fulfillment. They now want their man to be "sensitve" and "romantic" and to focus on their need for quality time and attention. But that's not the man's entree, so either he must refocus and make life-changing adjustments (which rarely happens), or conflict arises, for needs aren't being met. He's not sensitive, she's now trying to change him.
. Perhaps a better approach is to seek a partner who entrees will meet both our immediate and long-term desires. To someone who values his family, or spouse above other things, the accumulation of wealth is a lower priority. He may never be "rich", but there is a desire to care for those he loves that will drive him to meet those needs of security. The focus is on relationships instead of wealth, or success, and understanding that the security issue will be met without sacrificing the relationships. Women might be better served understanding that the choice they make initially will impact the entire relationship. If material things are the important entree expect to get "scraps" later, in the relational areas of the relationship, for those are a much lower priority. If the relationship is important then finding someone who is "driven" will be counter-productive to a deep and satisfying personal relationship. Men are relatively simple creatures, at least in comparison to most women, and generally speaking, you get what you see. Don't expect to be able to successfully change a man, after you "catch" one; it just doesn't happen. Change comes from within, from a refocusing of desires, not from external pressure. That just causes resentment and conflict.
. From the earliest, men are physical, women relational. They don't always mix well, but like oil and vinegar, when mixed correctly, and not left unattended, they make a tasty, satisfying complement to each other, and pleasing to our palate...

Wounds...

Short and sweet, the deeper the capacity to love, the deeper the potential wound if love goes wrong... Perhaps that is why there is such a lack of commitment today, why there is a lack of depth to most relationships, why individuals go through partner after partner in search of the "right one". Before even considering opening up ourselves we want to make sure the other is "right" first, and they want to make sure we are right, so we end up a bunch of emotionally closed off people drifting among other closed off people...

Love means taking a chance, being willing to be vulnerable, even if the other isn't. From the most negative viewpoint it means intentionally opening ourselves up for the possibility of severe emotional pain, yet, from the most positive it means allowing ourselves the opportunity to feel the deepest, most intense, most moving of all emotions. It is the pinnacle, the greatest of all emotions, and even though we don't fully understand what pure and unadulterated love is, that very thing that God is, even in our flawed state we can experience a small taste of what that perfect state is... But we have to be vulnerable, we have to be willing to sacrifice our security, we have to be willing to take the chance of being hurt. To the degree that we don't allow ourselves to be open and vulnerable, it is to that degree we restrict our ability to love and be loved. And we do restrict our ability to receive love as well as give. That is a travesty, for if one wants to love and is denied that in itself is a wound.

But what about when we're wounded? The deeper the love the deeper the wound. The more precious the memories the harder and longer to heal the wound. I don't think we ever really heal from those really deep wounds; we recover, we move on, we learn to transfer those affections to others. But a sight, or sound, or smell might trigger a memory, and your heart feels a pang, a stab, from the depths of that wound... It's a good thing, then, if we've moved on, and experienced love anew, for our new love can help us build new memories, new desires, salve for our past wounds... Though they may never fully heal, if we love again they can help us fully appreciate what we have in our present...

Roses...

I love roses. I grow roses. I think they appeal to me because they are so tantalizing to the senses. They look beautiful to the eye, they are so aromatic to my sense of smell, and their petals are so velvety soft to the touch. But roses need care, they need attention. I have to treat them correctly or they will be assulted by outside forces (pests/bugs), If I don't nourish them properly they'll wilt, and lose their beauty, if I mishandle them they can bruise or break and I also can get hurt, torn on the thorns...

Roses are a lot like relationships, aren't they? You pretty much get out of them as much as you're willing to invest. So if you have a relationship that isn't very appealing right now maybe you need to do some "gardening" before it wilts or dies. After all, you can't expect blooms without some labor of love...

Love is a lot like roses, come to think of it. It's no wonder I like roses...

Conflict Resolution...

When the relationship starts to cloud up and get stormy... It seems a number of recent posts have had a relational tone to them, and indeed, healthy relationships are an ideal dear to my heart, so I thought I'd just recap some of my recent thoughts by putting down some questions that may help put conflict into a different perspective for us... I'm not naive enough to believe that couples would actually stop and ask themselves(or each other) these questions during the heat of the moment, but when the emotion subsides perhaps these thoughts will come to mind and help aid in the resolution of the problem.. There are certainly other options, other approaches, to conflict resolution; the following is just food for thought, to perhaps allow us to consider the conflict, and possible solutions, more objectively...

When a disagreement occurs and resolution is necessary perhaps these questions can be asked, and issues addressed…
1. What specifically is the problem? (Not the symptom, but the root problem)
2. What do you want me to do to resolve it?
3. What do I want you to do to resolve it?
4. If I were on the other side of this dispute would I consider my request fair?
5. What is more important in the long run, my hurt or anger, or our relationship?
6. If I committed this wrong would I want forgiveness, and, if so, am I willing to extend it now?
7. Am I willing to sacrifice “our time” together to remain in conflict?

Clearly communicating better is key to conflict resolution. It seems paramount that we figure out a way to more accurately communicate with the health of the relationship as our highest priority.

Possible ways of dealing with delicate issues:
1. Never discuss emotionally. Get emotions under control before discussing, even if you need to leave the immediate area for a while, with the clear understanding that we will address the issue at a specific time. Don’t leave with the unresolved issue hanging in limbo.
2. Start the discussion with prayer. Ask that God be the unseen mediator in the discussion.
3.Discuss in a mutually agreeable place, but with an element of privacy.
4. Remind each other of their importance to you despite the disagreement, and your desire to restore the harmony of the relationship. After God, we should be each other’s priority.
5. If your partner just isn’t willing to meet you half way, prepare yourself to go all the way to do whatever is necessary for restoration, for some time you may need him/her to go the extra distance for you.

Attitude is choice...

My daughter came into my office over a year ago now, and wrote a little note along the side of my whiteboard. It read, "A bad day doesn't exist without your letting it." (she looks every time she comes in to see if it's still there!). But the truth is, she's absolutely right. There isn't one situation, one day, one encounter in life that doesn't come down to a choice that we, as individuals, make, and control. We can control our attitude, we can ultimately control whether we are happy, or sad, or angry, or content... Yet all to often we just give up that control, we allow others, or circumstances, or unwanted emotions to control us and the quality of our lives. Every day we choose to wake up in a good mood or bad, often subconsciously, for the habit is ingrained from years of not making conscious choices; each situation, each encounter we choose our reaction. John Ortberg once taught that there is a quarter-second of realized thought before we react, in any situation. He called it "our life changing quarter-second", for we all have the opportunity to change that instinctive, ingrained negative response before actually responding... We can choose to be negative, or look for the positive side, we can be angry, or choose to smile, we can control our attitude. If we make a conscious effort to be aware of our reactions before actually reacting then it becomes a choice, an exercise of personal discipline, and something we now control instead of being controlled by life, and our attitudes or emotions... We can raise our standard of life by reducing or removing the negativism of our attitudes... Ultimately, life is choice, and we control our choices, either consciously or sub-consciously, either good or bad. If you aren't happy where you are right now then you have the power to change it, for you can choose a different course, a different path, a different response. The only thing in life we can control or hope to change is ourselves. We can't always control others or situations in life; we can only control our attitude and reactions to them.

Entitlement...

I think that each generation has desired to leave their children a little better off than they were, yet I believe this has also bred a sense of entitlement within each new generation that has grown and pervaded our society until it has become a disease of epidemic proportion among adults and children alike. The “what’s in it for me” mindset is a deadly assassin to relationships, spelling swift and often undetected failure. We are left wondering what happened, why the other didn’t try harder… Rarely do we consider our attitude as the culprit. The idea of a relationship, or a marriage as being equal, as being a 50-50 proposition, is a fallacy of a selfish generation that society has eagerly bought into.

There’s rarely anything equal in a relationship, for to be constantly equal two people would have to always be exactly at the same place emotionally, physically, socially, philosophically, and spiritually, and that just doesn’t happen. Rather, within the context of a relationship, couples should strive for a 100-100% ratio, so when one falls short the other is there to pick up that slack. The goal should be selflessness, not selfishness, for then, and only then will we find fulfillment within a relationship. So how does that work?

A relationship, by definition, means, “working together or as being of the same kind.” It means we must be willing to give in order to get, yet without the idea that the only reason I give is for you to give to me. The focus must be on our partner, not ourselves, if we want to be truly successful. And for a relationship to work, both must share the same focus, the same desires, the same relational goals, or ultimately one ends up giving and the other taking, the selfless and the selfish, and the relationship dies. Three elements are essential in any successful relationship, and it is amazing how often one or more is missing. They are honesty, trust, and communication.
Honesty is the cornerstone on which trust is built. Trust is making ourselves vulnerable to another, and their ability to place our vulnerability above their own interests. If one violates our trust, or we find that they haven’t been honest with us, the relationship is damaged, often beyond recovery. Trust can be rebuilt however, but not without sufficient grace and forgiveness from the damaged party. Forgiveness is merely our giving up our right to get even for a wrong done to us, and grace is unmerited mercy, kindness, and/or forgiveness. If we care enough for the welfare of the other, more than for ourselves, then reconciliation and reconstruction of trust is not only possible, but also a very viable option. If our attitude focuses on the damage done to “me” and the pain I feel, and my desire to return the hurt, the relationship is in serious trouble.

Communication is most often the missing, or misunderstood, essential element, for a selfish attitude doesn’t care to learn to effectively communicate. Communication is not telling your mate what you want, or yelling, or demanding, or crying… Communication is the art of listening and sharing. Too often couples try to communicate during times of emotion, but one cannot effectively deal with an issue with anger, hurt, or emotion present. You must deal with the emotion first, then, when things are calm, discuss the issue. When anger, hurt, etc are present the ability to discuss logically is seriously impaired. It is perfectly acceptable to take some time out, to go for walk, etc, when emotions are running high and compromising effective communication.

It is perfectly fine to share what we want, and indeed that is essential in communicating, but we must listen also, to the needs and desires of our mate to effectively communicate. If both parties desire to meet the needs of the other then each person’s own needs will be met, selflessly, by their partner.

Look at the marital relational example we’re given in Ephesians 5. First, in v 21, we are exhorted to “submit” to one another… Next, in v 22, wives are instructed to “submit” to their husbands, yet the word “submit” in v 22 doesn’t exist in the original text, but was added to “allow better translation” by biblical scholars. So what then are we told in these verses? We are instructed to, “Submit to one another out of reverence to the Lord, and wives to their husbands.” This would be a more accurate reading. Also the word submit does not mean subjugate yourself, but rather to get under, and lift up, to support each other, and wives support your husband. Yet both are exhorted to support the other. The role of the husband is even more sacrificial toward the wife, for in v 25 he is exhorted to “love his wife as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her.” A husband should be willing to give up everything, including his life, for the sake of his wife, the woman he loves. Do we see this modeled today? Rarely it seems, or divorce, infidelity, separations, marriage counseling would not be so prevalent. Imagine, knowing your wife will unconditionally support you, or your husband would die for you, because you are the most important person on this earth to him. Wow. Giving of our self to find self-fulfillment. What a radical concept in today’s “Me” generation

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The Other Brother...

Most of us have some familiarity with the story of the prodical son, as recorded in Luke, chapter 15. What is often lost in the telling is the reaction of the older brother. In a nut-shell, the story goes like this: The younger son of a wealthy man comes to his father and demands his inheritance. The father gives it to him, and he goes to a far off country and blows it all on wild living. After it's all spent the young man finds himself destitute, and eating the slop he's supposed to be feeding pigs. He realizes his father's servants are treated better and resolves to go home and ask his father to take him on as a servant. While still far off the father spots the son and runs out to meet him. He greets him as a son, and orders the fatted calf killed and a party to welcome home his lost son...
. Interesting to the story are several social mores that were violated, when understanding the culture of the day. As an aside I'll briefly mention several. First, to ask for an inheritance while your father still lived was the gravest of insults to the father. It was more of an act of disowning when the inheritance was given. The thought of returning as a son was not an option, hence the thought process of the son to ask for a job as a servant. Another taboo was for a man of wealth, of importance, to ever run. The more important, the more dignified, the slower he walked. Yet this father saw his son and threw social mores to the wind and ran to embrace and welcome his son home. That Jesus included these in this parable is important to understanding the Father's love and forgiveness toward us...
. But there's more to this story. Luke tells us that when the older brother heard the music, and saw the partying, and learned the reason why he became angry and refused to join in. There's a scene recorded where the father pleads with his son to join in, but the son lists his objections; he has been faithful, he has been loyal, he has honored the father, he has "slaved" for years, yet never has the father honored him with a party like he's doing with the disobedient son who squandered all on prostitutes and wild living. It's interesting that the father's words are an example of undeserved love and forgiveness, and yet no where does the story indicate the older brother relented in his anger. Why?
. It stands to reason that the older brother realized what the return of the younger brother meant. After he left all that remained became the inheritance of the older brother- the present wealth and future earnings as well. The return of his brother, with status as a son, endangered all that. The older brother didn't just display anger, but also greed, envy, indignance, judgementalism, and disrespect...
. We know the father in the story represents God the Father, and the prodical son the sinner who realizes the folly of his way and repents, but who is the older son? I think it's those who fool themselves into believing that they can live "good enough" lives on their own, those who think if their good deeds outweigh the bad they'll be all right. Like the older son, they live in awareness of the Father without ever really experiencing true relationship with him, aware of a better life but not sure how to tap into it. They are truly the "lost"son...

Religion...

The beauty of opinion is we all have one, on most subjects anyway, and usually we aren't afraid to share it. Sometimes they're based on fact, sometimes on inistnct, sometimes on misinformation, but they are almost always present... This particular blog is my opinion, right or wrong, concerning "religion".
.. I am afraid of becoming religious, for I think it is dangerous and dibilitating to a Christ-follower... I don't think Jesus Christ was religious at all; in fact, he found his greatest opposition from the "religious leaders" of his day- the Pharisees and Sadduccess. They defined their religion well; it was a set of rules that they lived by, in essence, the legalistic "do's and don'ts" that still permeates so much of organized religion today. It was a strict adhehrence to their rules, their legalism, with consequences for failure to follow. Time after time Jesus violated their rules, whether eating, or healing, or traveling when it was forbidden- whatever the violation to their "rules" we can be sure that it wasn't a violation of God's law, for His son was perfect...
.. So why were rules so important then, and still today? I believe it stems from spiritual pride, and out of that pride comes a desire to be able to "measure" how good we are. The more rules we follow, the more obedient to our "religion" the higher our standing- in the eyes of men. Jesus taught the greatest is the one with the servant's heart, the one who does in secret rather than public, one who is willing to give out of their need and not their plenty... Christianity is a condition of the heart- the "Kingdom amoung us" that Jesus speaks about in Matthew 5 flows from within, not from our external acts. The recognition comes from God, and not man. This is not very desireable for most, for we live in the temporal, and the eternal rarely occupies our thinking, yet that is where we should seek to store up our treasure, for it is where we will spend the overwhelming amount of our time...
.. If Jesus were to return today, and walk the earth as he did some 2000 years ago, I would be highly surprised to find him in our churches today. I believe we would find him at concerts, or arenas, sports bars, shopping malls- anywhere that people congregate and have a need for him. I believe he wants his followers to walk the same. The church should function as an equipper, training it's members and equipping them with whatever they may need, then sending them out into the world. How many churches today struggle to get people in, when they should be sending them out? I think it's a symptom of being too religious and not being Christ-like enough. The desire is to "hold on" to their people and not lose them to another...
.. So how does this effect me? I tend to be a bit of a rebel, even as I serve in my own church (which is a very progressive, Acts 2 model church). We have a few guidelines that (and I understand the rationale for them) the church has in place, that I question how my adherence to (or not) will effect my serving, so at this time I don't follow them. It becomes the choice of the church to include me or not, to allow me to serve or not. I know, from past experience, not adhering to these rules would have significantly restricted my serving opportunities in several of the past churches I attended. Man's rules interfere with God's mandate. That is religion, and that is wrong. Man looks at the outside, God looks at the heart. We need to look at the intent, at the heart.
.. I believe we are called to be in tune spiritually, to strive to become more Christ-like. I used to believe my Christianity wasn't my religion, it was my lifestyle. Technically, I now think that's wrong. Choosing Christianity as a "lifestyle" could be construed in the same light as following the do's and don'ts of a religion. Our goal should not be choosing a lifestyle, it should be choosing to know Jesus Christ as intimately as possible, and out of our personal relationship with him adopting his teachings as our own. If we do this the outflowing of our life will naturally be Christ-like...

The Bottom Line...

If life teaches anything, it is that, more than we care to admit, we are driven by our emotions. Too often we make decisions, or react, during the passion of the emotion, without regard or proper thought to the consequence of our reactions. We speak quickly, or harshly, and then, when the passion of the moment diminishes, we regret... My grandmother used to say a little ditty that has stayed with me since childhood:

"A word is dead when said, some say. I say, it just begins to live that day."

So how do we combat these emotions that drive us, how do we deal with the passions of anger, of hurt, disrespect, envy, or hurt pride? When we are faced with these negative emotions (among others), especially in the context of relationships, how do we deal constructively with them, how do we minimize their destructiveness? How do we eliminate that "I wish I could say/do that over!" syndrome?

I think that perhaps the healthiest approach is to constantly remind ourselves of what our bottom line really is. Especially, in the light of relationships from casual to intimate, we can find personal resolution without the need to control the whole equation. It isn't healthy to try to change others; indeed, we can only hope to have some measure of success in changing ourselves, for that is really all we ultimately control. (And often, trying to change our behavior seems more daunting a task than attempting to change another). So how can we modify our responses to emotion?

As we are faced with negative emotion we must learn to ask ourselves, "What is my bottom line in this relationship?" Awareness of our bottom line is the important first step. Then we need to realize where we are in relation to where we want to be. Our second question to ourselves must be,"How do I get from where I am to where I want to be?" This can be difficult, for our emotions rarely are in sync with our desires (when not under emotional duress). Last, we must ask ourselves, "Is my response going to move me closer or farther from my bottom line?" If our bottom line is important to us then we will learn self-discipline in our responses and reactions.

It is a beautiful relationship that has two people with awareness of the same bottom line, with the same desire, for, when faced with conflict they can remind each other of what is important, and then work toward it's attainment together. By sharing a common goal, the same bottom line, even in the midst of conflict, they remain on the same side, for they share the same ultimate desire. Conflict doesn't remain long in such a relationship, for it needs two "sides" to florish.

A personal note...

A personal note in this Christmas season... Today is my daughter Ashley's 21st birthday... We lost Ashley at birth, and I never got to know this daughter I love so much. My thoughts are with you today Sweetheart... Daddy loves you and each day draws me closer to that day I will see you and know you...

As I reflect on this past year my heart is sad for another reason, for I lost another that I loved so deeply in my heart, though not lost through death, but in life, and living... I ended a long relationship early this year, because of the inability to control temper, and the ultimate unhealthiness that it created. I drew a line, and the line was firm, and it was breeched, and it was over. My closure has been difficult for there was much good in this relationship that was left behind, but in leaving there was grace also, for God, in his mercy, revealed so clearly that my love was sacrificial, it was good and pure, and it was one-sided. Love isn't rude, or angry, or selfish, or a keeper of a record of wrongs. All these things are the fruit of uncontrolled temper, not love. Can I believe that her love existed in good times? Just as certainly there was no love when her temper ruled her words and actions.
So this is my closure to you, though you will probably never know my words these many months later. My heart realizes the importance to move forward, to continue on with life. I love you, and will probably always love you for the good in you, and choose to forgive you, for not to forgive would ultimately hurt me the most. Yet I recognize that the best indicator of future behavior is past behavior, so I tell you good-bye, and pray you find that happiness that seems to elude you. As for me, I'll seek, and ultimately find, that precious lady who can and will appreciate the many facets of who I am, who is not afraid of a man of substance, of depth...

Limited Perspective...

What is really important? Daily we are faced with decisions, decisions that affect our very essence of who and what we are, and yet so often we allow things that are shallow and superficial to tie us up and stress us out instead of focusing on that which is really important. As we get caught up in the busy-ness of life our focus shifts, almost naturally from the eternal to the temporal... (Somone once said that if the Devil can't make us bad he'd make us busy; boy, is there truth in that!)

So how do we maintain our focus on those things that have relevence, importance, that impact our eternal? How do we keep our focus when we have to pick up the kids, go to the store, work late, mow the grass, cook dinner, clean the house, get gas in the car, walk the dog, juggle or maintain relationships, and not miss our favorite TV shows? And especially this time of year, when we add in the Holidays; family get-togethers, gift shopping for family and friends, decorating, cooking, baking... our plate fills to over-flowing... So what do we do?
Any attempt to keep our focus amid all the distractions of life has to begin with determination and desire. We must want to concentrate on things eternal, or we fail before we begin. Then we must determine to make the time and effort to achieve our desire. If we have the desire and determination we then must learn the art of solitude, for it is in solitude that we can reconnect with God, where we can learn to concentrate on those things of importance, to reflect with an eternal perspective. It's where we can study, and learn, and seek guidance on becoming more Christlike, it's where we can learn how to extend grace to others, to show love, and mercy, where we learn patience in trials, and peace in whatever our circumstance. It's where we learn to be silent and listen to God, for God speaks in a whisper, and we must want to hear, must make an effort to listen, if we expect to hear His voice. It is where our perspective returns from being temporal, and limited, to eternal.

We make time for those things that come to pass, that have no importance in the eternal scheme of things, like work, and TV, and shopping, and a myriad of other things- are we willing to make time for that which can change and enrich us for eternity? Food for thought...