Actions...

"Actions have consequences." Boy, if that isn't the toughest lesson to learn in life I'm not sure what is. Everything we do creates ripples in our own little worlds, and everything we do creates a response of one kind or another. It's a lesson we wish our kids would learn yet we seem to forget it ourselves.

I find myself acutely aware nowadays, of those things in my past that color my relationships today. I find I must constantly guard myself against judging those in my life today, not by their own merit, but rather by the standards I have erected in my mind, standards built off the failures of past relationships. I find those failures have tainted my perspective, for I am more cynical, less open and believing of others because of the let downs experienced in my past. So I stand vigilant now, against myself, against my inner demons that rise up to ambush current relationships...

Even as I strive for objectivity in my assessments of those others near and dear to me I find frustration when I run up against this very thing applied to me from those who are signifcant in my life. I find myself feeling as if I am constantly compared to those in the past, feeling as if I don't meet expecatations, or I am repeating behaviors of those who have walked this relational path before me who may not have been as sincere or as truthful as I am. I pay the price for those who went before, who muddied the waters with selfishness, or infidelity, or deceit. How am I supposed to show sincerity when my words are discounted, my actions questioned, my feelings doubted because they are similar to those "failures" who came before? I can only be me, and pray that one day sincerity will win out, that my actions will finally outweigh the past, that they will support my words. Perhaps one day, if I can stay the course, I can overcome the past and all that is good will finally outweigh the hurt of past failures. Perhaps one day I will be seen objectively, as unique and honest, authentic, and sincere. If I can stay the course, for if not I simply become another in the list of relational failures, though the failure is not in my in honesty or sincerity, but only in my inability to deal with constant rejection of my words, actions, my very essence...

in the moment...

I think that the older we get, and the more relational "baggage" we experience, the more we tend to drag that into current or new relationships, especially subconsciously. We tend to compare, evaluate, and make value judgements in our new relationships based on our experiences rather than solely on the merits of our partner. Our partner pays the price for our past, for they are accepted not on their merit, but on our terms, as they fit into our experiences and expectations as defined from our past.

The danger is that we could lose out on something potentially wonderful because we are blinded by our past which leads to unrealistic expectations by us for our partner. We miss out on the uniqueness of that individual because we view them through the filter of our past rather than an objective unbiased desire to get to know them for who they are. Rather we tend to value them for who they are not, or who we want them to be in light of our past "failures". All too often we are left wondering what happened, why it didn't work out, when the answer lies within ourselves; we failed in our objectivity.

Personally, I like to think I'm somewhat unique, and have something unique to offer. I don't like to feel like I'm being compared to others, or hear how someone else does or did something. For whatever reason it didn't work with them, so let them go. I am who I am, and I will give in my own unique way if allowed, and it will be good. But to compare is to live in the past, and the past is forever gone. The future is forever ahead, but the present is always with us. That's where I strive to live, that's where you can find me. I want to live in the moment for that is where the joy of living resides, that is where life happens, that is where true happiness is found. So if you are constantly looking back in your past, I am not there, for I am none of your failures. If you constantly look to the future I am not there, for I am not your ideals. I am here, in the present, living in the moment, where the joy of daily living can be found. I am here, a day at a time, being uniquely me. So if you want something unique you'll have to learn to accept me for who I am, not who your past wants to dictate me to be. I hope to find you here too.

Truth vs Unbelief...

I love mowing the grass because it gives me time to think, to ponder, to process. This morning as I mowed a neat realization came to me. Please, indulge me...

I have a friend who, based on personal experience and circumstances, tends to dismiss things I say as not believable, and for some time I let that bother me, yet after some attention and processing I realize that it isn't my issue to be bothered by. This morning I had a bit of an epiphany; Just because someone doesn't believe, or even chooses not to believe, doesn't make the fact or statement any less true. If I know the statement is absolutely true then the problem lies with the receiver, for experience or circumstance has skewed their ability to receive truth through their personal filter. Truth is truth. And absolute truth is constant, (although I acknowledge the existence of conditional truth that is not what we're discussing here). So when I make a statement that I know to be true, despite another's willingness to accept it, the statement is true. Period.
The sad thing is that too often we all can tend to grow calloused to the truth, especially as we grow older and experience more and more lies and deceit from our fellow man. We tend to become skeptics instead of being vulnerable, open, and receptive. We veiw things through a filter of negativity, even when appearing positive, for that is what we've "learned" from each other. Unbelief is a relational killer, the prime component in the breakdown of trust
Yet all is not lost, for if we cultivate a relationally safe environment for trust to grow and be nourished then truth will ultimately win out. For where trust grows vulnerability deepens, and our eyes are ultimately opened to truth and we will ultimately receive. One day, (perhaps in the not to distannt future), I anticipate confirmation that my words are believed, that my friend trusts me enough to believe my words as true...

Guest Column!

Tonight we have a rare treat- a guest columnist. My daughter wrote this last night, and shared it with me tonight. It's lengthy, but I thought well worth the reading, especially when I consider that these pearls flowed from my innocent 20 year old baby...

A Love after His own heart
I believe love is the author of both heartbreak and joy.
For it is by love that we give our whole hearts at either the risk of loving forever or losing significant portions of it all at once.
By love we taste memories that will never leave us—for better, for worse. When we truly love, we are holding nothing back at the risk of losing everything.
By love we can either see the world as it is—broken and beautifully glued back together—or for what we always hoped it would never become—lonely, sad, and shattered.
By love we learn to embrace one another and travel realms of unthinkable measures while putting our loved ones’ well-being undoubtedly before our own.
By love we accept those unexpected circumstances when it is painfully one-sided.
Anybody is entitled to fall in love; age is not a barrier,
The color of skin is merely God’s beautiful creativity revealing to us the beauty of loving someone different, but not unlike us—for we are all exposed to unconditional love every single day.
We are created in the likeness of our God, whom, he Himself is called Love.
In being a direct masterpiece of love, we are products of this contradictory choice that makes perfect sense.
“…For God so Loved the world, that He gave his one and only son…”
In the same stroke of a pen, our creator both felt an unconditional love for his children that brought complete joy and undeniable grief.
For by saving us, through love, he experienced the despair of losing his son—the heartbreak of watching the betrayal of his child and the suffering he encountered.
Our father made the choice to love us and to save us.
After witnessing this love, we cannot deny that love brings about joy that is so often desired and sought after but the agony of a lost love is so often unbearable that many do not risk the chance of “head-over-heels, butterflies-in-the-stomach, cheeks-turning-red, must-impress-the-parents, hope-for-a-good-night-kiss-before-my knees-turn-completely-weak love” due to fear of rejection, infidelity, and loss of emotional independence and stability.
Is it true that we get out of life what we put into it?
That we ought to “seize the day,” right?
Well, in any case, I believe we should love without limits, for that is what Jesus would do.
We ought to love whole-heartedly, not holding back—for that is what God has done.
We should tell those people in our life that really matter to us that we choose to love them—that we choose to risk everything in order to lose control of ourselves and feel something we’ve never felt before—experience something we’ve never experienced.
This is a choice that no one can force upon us and no one can take away from us.
Yes, love is so powerful that we shouldn’t take it lightly.
We should guard our hearts, for this “determines the course of your life” but when your heart decides to love someone, do yourself a favor; don’t try to convince your mind otherwise.
Risk it all, for then you will experience life at its fullest, you will have no regrets about love remaining in the shadows and you will taste just a glimpse of how much your creator loves you.
If you love someone, you should tell them, because at the risk of an unreturned love, it is far less regrettable than the agony of never knowing—or even worse…the revelation of a returned love that was never spoken for.
As a quotable movie once said, “When you find out who you want to spend the rest of your life with, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”
I believe that God wants us to experience love that is beyond our wildest dreams, hopes, and expectations.
I believe that God does not set limits on love—that his choice to save us was not for one but for all.
I believe that we as humans, broken and in desperate need for direction, set limitations on who we allow ourselves to unconditionally love—when in reality, I believe this is not God’s intent for us at all.
You are never too young to love; as a child we were loved before we were even born and an innate desire in us taught us to love even at birth.
You are never too old to love.
There is no age restriction on this choice because age is really but a number—love comes from the overflow of the heart, soul, mind and mind.
It is within these that we need to diminish limits on who deserves to live life the way God intended.
I believe God uses our unique gifts and differences, that every single one of us has, to speak to the soul of one another—to deeply teach each others’ hearts and offer a joy that is evident in humility and servant hood.
I believe Jesus would say to every single ounce of creation, “I have chosen to love you.
I have chosen the pain, suffering, betrayal, and risk of an unreturned love so that you would know you are genuinely and unconditionally loved.
You were bought at a price because I decided you are worth it.”
What would it feel like if Jesus came to some and said,
“I love you. I paid the price for you.”
But then there were a selection of us that he said,
“I’m sorry. You’re just not old enough or You’re too old.
I’m sorry your skin is white, or your skin is brown—that just doesn’t work for me.
I’m sorry you aren’t pretty enough or
You really aren’t good at pottery.
You just don’t make the cut.
You have other gifts—you seem like a great person;
But I just don’t think I can love you.”
What if Jesus said that to us?
It is devastating to think about—but even more-so to think that our world is filled with this very attitude.
The possibility of love is limited to few prospects—
Age restrictions are held accountable.
Interracial relationships are frowned upon by some.
“Why can’t they love someone their own color?”
Truly these limitations are surface-oriented and selfish.
Love is not self-centered.
Love believes that all people were bought at a price and that all people deserve to live life at its fullest.
So who are we to set boundaries and tell God he has to abide by them?
Who are we to judge our neighbor—to say that we are better off loving someone our own age rather than someone older or younger?
Because textbooks say this? When it comes to love, I look to the author Himself, and the textbook He has written that documents such a subject.
For God loves all. God knows better, because He is the creator of all.
Today, I will pray that Jesus becomes the icon of love.
That Jesus is the one the world will remember as the lover of all creation.I hope that love isn’t thought of as a feeling or emotion—but as a choice—
A choice to come to earth for those what didn’t know what love was;
For those that still sometimes deny it and cause an undeniable heartbreak;
A choice to show the world a model of how to really live;
To give God all the glory.
To love in times of happiness or grief—for better or for worse.
And to love others without limitations:
To choose character over comfort,
Authenticity over color,
Acceptance over rejection;
Jesus chose to love without bounds, barriers, ropes, walls, limits, restrictions, regulations, prejudice, class, and separations.
If He didn’t do this, then we wouldn’t know what love is—
We wouldn’t experience life at its fullest.
We wouldn’t have those cherished moments of true love that are born from and envisioned from the seemingly hopeless and despaired.
Without love we wouldn’t feel valued or cherished.
We wouldn’t know the weight of a hug, the giddiness of a first kiss, and the pang of your heart after holding a baby.
We wouldn’t feel the twinge and depression of funerals, breakups, and fatal illness.
We wouldn’t need to impress people with our trivial charms and hide our most frivolous flaws on first dates.
If love were not the way it is, we would be living aimless lives of sexual impurity and promiscuity, loss of commitment and community, and the purpose of our existence would amount to that of life without a God who would do anything for us—
Even send a huge piece of him to die for us, experiencing the deepest loss ever to be felt, while at the same time,
Saving us and experiencing a whole new love.
The next time you think somebody is not worth your time,
Or you think that somebody falls short of your love and acceptance,
Think to yourself:
“How would I feel if Jesus told me,
‘you don’t cut it.
You’re too old or too skinny.
Your skin is the wrong color,
you don’t look like a model.
You don’t run like an athlete,
You don’t write like a romantic,
You don’t sing like an angel.
I’m sorry.
On our surveys, you just don’t meet the requirements for me to love you.’”
Then surely you will realize that this isn’t love at all—but merely personal preference
And opinionated prejudice on a platter.
Then ask yourself,
“What if Jesus asks me, ‘Did you love others as you love yourself?’”
What is the right answer?
Because we don’t get a second chance at this.
We don’t get another opportunity to wipe the slate clean, start over,
And love without limitations once we are facing the consequences of our actions on Judgment Day.
That will be it.
So now I conclude with this, once again:
“Seize the day. Love others.
Don’t forget to ask Jesus to fill you with a love for others that he has for you.
Then, surely, you will start to love without limitations,
You will embrace your neighbor with genuine risk of everything,
That you may be living as Jesus intended—
May you live the rest of your life at the fullest, and may the rest of your life start as soon as possible; only then will you share a love after His own heart.

Never too old for Firsts...

Well, vacation is over, and it was a wonderfully relaxing time, right up until we were rear-ended on the expressway, during rush hour traffic, in a construction zone, on the south side of Chicago on the drive home. Welcome back to the real world, Bud!

But now that we're home life continues on, and life's experiences continue... Last night I was visiting my new friend and something happened that had not happened to me in the context of a relationship that I could ever once recall- a relational first!- she asked me quite simply what my preferences were. In my younger days, before marriage, I dated alot, but since 1979 there's only been three significant relationships in my life, and I can't ever remember being asked what I like. The focus always seemed to be on how I could please my partner, on how to meet her needs, or wants, or desires. Never has somone asked me what I liked. Well, I thought, and thought, and didn't have an answer. And the enormity of the thought that I really didn't know what I wanted, or what I liked overwhelmed me. It was pretty depressing. And here's this beautiful angel wanting to know, actually caring about my desires, and I couldn't answer. So now I have to process, to figure out what I want, what I need, for her advice to me was, "It's okay not to give all the time." It is a very foreign feeling to have someone wanting to give to me without expectation of getting first, or in return. I pray that I never get too old to learn; I never expected that those things I'd have to learn would be so personal...

Vacation Time...

It is time, my friends, to take a break. Yes, it's my annual pilgrimage to the sand dunes at Silver Lake, Michigan, with my daughter and a friend of hers... I look forward to the rest, to catch up on some reading, and perhaps do a bit of personal writing as well... I have a friend who kids me (I hope!) and says I missed my calling- I should write romance novels... I have this mental image of me becoming that guy that Jack Nicholson portrayed so well in "As Good As It Gets". That's scary on so many levels! But I am considering doing a bit of writing just for the experience... I also would like to explore glass-blowing, for I think that is a really cool art. I just wonder if I have the time and patience to learn and practice... But I ramble here, so my apologies, and perhaps we'll touch base in a week or ten days! Enjoy the day, for it is your gift from the Father- yesterday is gone and tomorrow is yet to come but today is your present, from Him .

An open letter II...

Some three months ago now I posted an open letter to that elusive woman I desired to find for companionship, to share in my life and I in hers. Now it seems appropriate to post an addendum to that letter, for there now seems to be a face, and a laugh, and an identity to that elusive woman. So to her I write today, but here, in my forum, where I first wrote.

Sweetheart,

How do I begin to write my heart? How do I begin to try to express how incredibly blessed I feel in our relationship? Words seem to escape me...

I know you have a hard time believing me sometimes, when I tell you how beautiful I find you, yet if somehow you could see yourself from my perspective my words would make perfect sense, and the truth of my words would be all too evident to you. You sometimes compare yourself to others, in light of my words, and find fault in the believability of my ardor toward you. I recognize that there will always be someone younger, or prettier, or more handsome, or funnier, or smarter, more sophisticated, or richer, or smoother than we might be, and such comparisons will always find us wanting. So I compare you only to the desire of my heart, and to my heart there is no one that matches that desire as perfectly as you. To my heart, you are the most beautiful, the most desirous of women, exactly as you are. Any imperfections that you might see in yourself are only those things that make you so uniquely you...

I love doing life with you, doing those things we do together, the sharing of the mundane, of the everyday things we all must do which alone can be tedious or boring, but with you they are enjoyable, for we work together. I love the twinkle in your eyes, the smile that is always playing around your lips. I love your questions, and your willingness to share, to get to know each other's likes and dislikes, turn-offs and preferences. I love that surprise when I'm able to expose another facet of myself, when I reveal a strength that you can appreciate. And especially, I love your appreciation that you so openly express to me- appreciation for me, and for those things you allow me to do for you. I love our friendship, and the closeness I feel to you.

If you could somehow understand my heart and you could appreciate how fully you fill it, your consternation over my truths would quickly pass. Your kisses, your caress, your smile, the music of your laughter, fills me up. I find my life happier now than before you, I am content to share that which was once so personal and private with you, and it is clearly evident that I meet needs and desires in you. So thank-you for your friendship, for your openness, for your willingness to extend grace when I am not all I should be. Thank-you for being so uniquely you, and so so perfectly beautiful to me, just as you are.

If, through some unforseen cruelty of life, we were forced apart, if I was unable to be with you again, though my heart would be broken, it would still revel in the memories of you and our times together. You have made my life better, just by being in it and for that I am deeply grateful. I pray we have many more months and years together, to learn of each other, to do life, together.

I am, and will remain, your humble admirer.

Dale "Bud" Brauer

Real Manhood...

My studies recently have been in the book of John, and one prominent character in the book is John the Baptist, the cousin of Jesus. Jesus said that if we want to see a real man, a man that God honors, look no further than John B. As a matter of fact, in Luke 7:28 Jesus says, "I tell you, among those born of women, there is no one greater than John..." In looking at John B Stuart Briscoe lists six characteristics of a real man, all exemplified in the life of John B. Those six characteristics are: sincerity, simplicity, conviction, courage, vision, and vulnerability. He then goes on to list the five most difficult statements for men to make today. They are:

1. I don't know.

2. I was wrong.

3. I need help.

4. I'm afraid.

5. I'm sorry.

There is so much truth to these statements, for today society pushes men to be "macho", and to be sensitive or vulnerable is viewed as signs of weakness. And yet, to be sensitive, or vulnerable, is not weak, but proportionally strength of character. It is much harder to admit failure or weakness, to display honesty and humility, than to attempt to bluff our way through, in essence, to live the lie...

Personally, my goal, these past few years especially, is to try to attune myself to God, to try and understand my example Jesus Christ and emulate him, and ultimately move toward becoming the man that is pleasing to God, my Father. I know I'm sadly flawed, and need work in many of these areas, but every now and then I'm rewarded with a comment, or compliment that shows me I'm beginning to reflect some of these traits. Just recently, one who is very special in my life told me she appreciated my sincerity. It was like receiving an "A" on a mid-term or something. What a great feeling, and I so appreciate her sensitivity to say it. (She also reminds me often to keep things simple, so I'm working on simplicity, not my strong suit!). And I know that often I limit my vision...

I also find great difficulty asking for help, for I am terribly self-sufficient in my mind, yet delight in doing things with another... Learning to allow others to help me is a constant struggle, as is admitting fear. So I am a work in progress, but one day, God willing, (and if he allows me a real long life), I may just evolve into a "God's man", rather than being a "man's man"... I think the the neatest reference to walking with God, to pleasing God, is found in the reference to Enoch, where it is written, "Enoch walked with God; then he was no more, because God took him away." And, "By faith Enoch was taken from this life, so that he did not experience death; he could not be found, because God had taken him away. For before he was taken, he was commended as one who pleased God." (Gen. 5:24 and Heb. 11:5). How cool would that be, to live so pleasing to the Father that we don't have to experience the ultimate penalty for our sin- the pain of death...

I'll Be There...

What's the best way to show you

Just how much I care

When the chips are down

Don't worry, I'll be there.

When life loads you up with burdens

More than you can bear

How can I best help you?

Lean on me for I'll be there.

When your heart is full

And you feel you need to share

Just call out my name,

For you I will be there.

When nighttime noises magnify

And shadows cause a scare

Rest in the safety of my arms,

All night I will be there.

Atheists...

I'm struggling tonight with the whole idea that there is no God. My struggle isn't with my unbelief, rather my struggle lies with trying to understand the mentality of the atheist. In a word, it is depressing. As a believer in God, and Jesus Christ, my life has eternal meaning, and there is a hope after I die and leave this world. I have purpose and direction. But take God out of the equation, and substitute chance, and there is no hope everafter. Purpose is limited to this lifetime, and it's focus becomes very selfish.

As a Christ-follower my focus is to become more Christ-like. He embodied perfect love, he was selfless, and merciful. And he was a man's man. He was intellegent; he was physical. He was Merrill-Lynch before Merrill-Lynch was thought of, because when he spoke the world listened. Time after time he faced down the most noted scholars of his day, those religious authorities that fed their sanctimonius legalism down the throats of the people; he overturned the money-changers' tables and chased them out of the Temple for their dishonest and legalistic practices- drove them out all by himself. He was fun. His first miracle was while attending a party. He was a force. He is my example. My purpose is to love selflessly, and to stand as Protector against those who try to lead the innocent astray... It is my purpose to live here on earth for Him and be united with Him when my time on this earth is over.

But take him out of the equation and what is there? Then, this life is all there is. Our life ends with death. There is no more. So what happens? This life becomes one big "grab all you can" session while here, because there is nothing else. No eternal hope, no eternal purpose. This is all there is, and that sucks. Life becomes selfish and self-centered, because doing for others is a waste of your time... That is depressing...

How can atheists deny the existence of God? If the majestic granduer of nature isn't enough to validate the existence of a higher Being, of a Creator, then certainly they can't deny the natural laws that science, not religion, has established, which disprove the very theories of chance, or evolution. The very laws of Thermodynamics (specifically the second law) disproves the evolutionary process as a viable theory. Therefore, if an environment doesn't evolve up then we didn't start out as a single-cell aemeba which finally crawled out of the sea... We must have been created as intelligent beings in the first place, as is recorded in Scripture, the Word of God, who must exist despite any unbelief... With all the enormity of the cosmos, the vastness of creation, man must be incredibly arrogant to think it's only about him, that something so grand, so majestic could be left to chance. Personally, it takes a greater leap of faith not to believe in God than to accept the evidence of Creation and acknowledge Him... I think I'd have to be an idiot not to believe...

Father's Day thoughts...

I had an opportunity to digress a bit yesterday, to amble a bit down Memory Lane, and at one point found myself at a quaint little place that housed those memories I had from my early twenties. I think it was there, at that point in my life, that I came to a realization that I fear kids sometimes take way too long, if ever, to come to. And it is specifically about my parents.

I had always thought of my parents as just Mom and Dad and up to this point didn't think of them as "people" like me, with hopes, and dreams, and fears, and insecurities. They were always "there" and I think I expected them to always be there. My dad was successful, accomplished, sure of himself. Mom was always wise and loving, and comforting. But one day I saw my dad as a person, just like me. He was worried about the future, about his future- almost to the point of being afraid. It profoundly shocked me and rocked those previously unshakable foundations of my world...

I was unsure of myself- I was young, I was facing the world on my own, with a young wife, a baby on the way, and I kept wondering, "Do I have what it takes? Can I provide for my family? Will I be successful, or will I fail?" I felt like I lived at a point of constant crisis... Then I saw my dad, who'd quit a stable job to go into business for himself, facing these same fears, these same questions. That day my dad lost some of that "superhero" status in my mind, that "Dad isn't afraid of anything" status, but he became real, and it allowed me to appreciate so much more how much he'd accomplished in the face of such fears. That day was the beginning of a whole new level of appreciation, and a whole new chapter in our relationship began to unfold- my dad became real, and in becoming real, he became my friend.

I can only pray that one day, hopefully sooner than later, my kids (especially my boys) will come to that realization that I'm human too, filled with my own hopes and dreams and longings and desires. I can only hope that they stop measuring me against the impossible standards for parents we tend to set in our adolescence and allow me to be human, to err, to live as one of them. Perhaps then they might discover I'm more than a dad- I can be a pretty good friend too...

Truth vs Lie...

Some random thoughts ...

One of those things I pondered yesterday, during a time of solitude out on the lake, was what I considered to be the greatest builder of relationships, and then the greatest destroyer of relationships as well. The two are polar opposites, dreaded enemies- they cannot coexist... I believe truth, with its counterpart trust, is the greatest building block of relationships. With truth you know exactly where you stand, and with truth trust grows. Trust is the adhesive that binds two people together.

The other side of the coin, however, is that malicious, intentional, destroyer of love and life- the lie. The intentional act or words to decieve. Deception- the destroyer of trust, destroyer of love, for love is not enough to sustain a relationship. It must have trust, and trust is only found in truth, never in deception. I think one aspect of unfaithfulness within the context of a relationship is that it is the lie being acted out, the physical incarnation of the mental deception. It is usually the death knell of a relationship...

So why is truth so difficult for us? Why is doing or being what is ultimately good so hard to grasp? Why is the concept of the "little white lie" accepted so universally as okay? Why do we feel the need to "twist" the truth, or play reckless with it, as some are fond of saying? Why is it easier to lie than to be honest? It comes down to our very nature, flawed and sinful, though we don't want to recognize ourselves as such, so the first lie is to ourselves, that we are not that way... And every lie gets easier after that...

I think often lying is recognized as wrong, but is the action of choice because we justify it in our minds by thinking that to tell the truth could ultimately hurt another, so we lie for their benefit. I propose that we offer an answer that simply says, for whatever reason I choose not to make my opinion known, or choose not to commit myself at this time. Or say nothing! If we learn to respect the rights and opinions of others and they respect ours the "need" for lying is gone...

I think this deserves some more thought...

Solitude...

Yesterday the canoe hit the water for the first time this year... There's nothing so grand as getting out on the water, even if it's only for an hour or two, and letting the peacefulness of nature permeate the soul... Have you ever noticed how peaceful nature is? It seems to be almost always at rest. Those times of occassional violent expolsions within the heirarchy of nature are always followed by rest and serenity. The aberant to the serenity of nature is the infusion of man. We are not peaceful or serene by nature at all.

It took time, and practice, and dedication, but I've come to learn to love solitude. It is incredible how allowing the mind and body to just stop- no worrying, no fretting, just getting away for a time and allowing the peace of nature to permeate, to allow the peace of God to soothe the soul can so totally recharge my life batteries. My ability to focus, to zone in and concentrate on the task at hand has dramatically increased as I've learned to let go of worry and fretting through those times of solitude. My ability to problem-solve as well, is much more acute since learning to appreciate the benefits of solitude.

Solitude is beneficial for everyone, but not everyone is capable of the experience. It takes a willingness to let go of the busyness of life, if for just a while, and a commitment to try and understand the precepts of mental release- or more plainly, learning to just let go of life's worries for a designated time and tap into the underlying peace that always surrounds us, though we are often unaware of its presence...

Yet in solitude we sometimes find more than we desire, for when alone we find only God and ourselves present, and as much as some may not want to face or acknowledge God having to face ourselves can be an even scarier proposition. It is in times of solitude we recognize our weaknesses, our deficiencies, and most do not want to handle that. And yet, when we are willing to face ourselves, we can find our strengths, and learn to maximize our potential while learning to deal with our deficiencies in a healthy manner...

Solitude is a discipline of God, often practiced by Jesus when he walked this Earth, and for that alone it is worth learning and exploring. The greater good is in learning to slow down and recognize and enjoy the peace and serenity of creation, and the majesty of God...

Memory Building...

You know, sometimes we are so blessed and just are too busy to slow down and appreciate it. I spent this past weekend with my extended family- twenty four out of twenty seven were there. My brother and three sisters, their spouses and kids, mom and dad, and my daughter and I all rented a lodge up near Devil's Lake, Wisconsin and just hung together. How rich the memories are, how they will warm the heart in days and years to come. That's what "now" is about, it's all about capturing those unforgettable moments in our hearts and minds so when we cannot any longer we still can through our memories...
There is another in my life now with whom I am beginning to build memories; laughing and enjoying each other's company while we learn to enjoy the mundane together. That's so important- learning to enjoy the mundane with another, for when the mundane becomes fun then everything in life can hold the promise of a good memory. We pull weeds together, and while weed pulling isn't necessarily fun doing it with another and enjoying the company makes it fun. Working around the house, putzing around the kitchen together (well, she cooks- I get in the way; but one day I'll cook for her- don't want to scare her off too soon!), going out and doing silly things, all today's memories to fuel the warmth of yesterdays in a life of tomorrows... Memories are beautiful, family is beautiful, my friend is beautiful- life is beautiful if we just slow down enough to recognize it...

Majesty...

I'm briefly back from my self imposed exile, for tonight my heart has experienced enough to either share or explode... First some background; I tend to delude myself into believing I'm still a pretty good athlete, but the reality is that the last few years I've had to recognize my ever-increasing limitations and play within myself... I don't play organized basketball anymore, but I can still bury the jumper and go a few pickup games occasionally. I can still play tennis without embarassment, but have adopted softball as my game of choice. And, ever deluded, I feel I still play as well at almost 50 as most the 20-somethings I play against...
Well, in last week's game I tried to expand those limitations and ended up straining an oblique muscle... This week I thought I'd play, even though it was still sore and tender. Well, true to form, I re-aggrevated it, which turned out to be a real blessing, despite the ongoing pain...
I came home from this week's game and popped a Vicodin and climbed in the hot tub out on the deck. And then it happened. It began to rain. I figured I'm sitting in a tub of water so why not stay out? And I sat back and watched an incredible storm blow in. Suddenly, the skies were filled with lightning- not just a flash or two, but bolt after bolt, some low below the clouds, some within or above the stratas, illuminating the multi-layers overhead. And then the thunder started, low and rumbling, a continuous roll that built in cresendo until the very air vibrated against my wet face. The wind was constant, whipping the trees into a frenzy, snapping the air with cracks not unlike a cattail snapping against the hide of a bull. The sheer, raw power of the storm dwarfed me, magnified my insignificance in the scheme of nature. I was awestruck by the majesty and ferocity of the storm. It seemed to take on it's own persona, like a prizefighter landing blow after blow to it's victim Earth... I couldn't help but sing out "Majesty, worship His majesty..."
It came to me that God could create such a storm by merely speaking it into existence. Just as he created the Earth, the heavens, the entire cosmos by merely saying, "Let there be..." There is the source of true and awesome power. But that isn't the most amazing thing. The most amazing thing is that this God of awesome power, the creator of the entire universe, loves me enough to adopt me into his family and call me son... As insignificant as I am in the entire scheme of things I am most important to my Creator, my God, my Father...

Hypocricy...

I really don't like hypocrites at all. Few people do. And yet, I fnd myself guilty of this very thing. I am a hypocrite. All my life I've been true to others' expectations, but not really true to myself. I've struggled with this before, yet seem to be stuck on the same path I've walked for a lifetime. You see, I've learned to become whatever is expected of me. I'm a good son, a good dad, a good Christian, a good boss, a good friend, a nice guy. But I'm not, deep down... I am not.

There is something fierce and savage in me that screams to get out, yet I have kept an iron hand on my heart for so long I have subdued it, pressed it into submission, quenched it's desire. Instead of following my heart I have forced my heart to follow my (or others') expectations. I have been suffocating my heart. For years. I am now a human chameleon, changing to fit expectations. I have learned to be whatever is desired- but not necessarily my desire. The truly sad thing is, God looks at the heart (I Sam 16:7). We usually think of that as his examination of our thoughts and motives, but I think it goes well beyond that. I think God looks at my heart and sees a supressed, beaten into submission, broken heart, for I have not been true to my heart for many years.

I want to live, to love, so completely and freely that my heart soars with the eagles. I want to save the beauty, my Beauty, from life's trials and tribulations, I want to follow the deep longings of my heart, the quest for adventure. I don't want my Beauty to be my adventure, but want to sweep her up into my adventure with me... But that scares people away. So I bind my heart, I become stoic and contained, domesticated on the outside while raging on the inside. I please others at the cost of my soul. I become a farce, a hypocrite. I think I was born about 150 yrs too late, for I feel the call to ride off in the wilderness, to lose myself among the majesties of creation, to follow the yearning of my heart. My heart is still wild, savage, untamed, desiring to be freed, yet bound in the chains of societal expectation. One day I will free my heart, one day I will find that one who desires to walk with me, to run with me, who will embrace the savage, who will desire to be rescued, and loved like never before. One day I will free my heart, and all will see I am not just a "nice guy". What society expects will not matter, what my heart wants it will pursue with reckless abandon, with a raw, wild, and untamed passion that is not for the faint of heart. And God will smile, and bless me and mine, for He will see my heart will be at last set free...
I think it time for a respite, but I will not seclude myself in my cave. No, it is time to explore creation, to chase after my heart, even if I walk alone, for all too long I've waited for my Beauty to walk with me, too long I sought without finding. Perhaps I seek in the wrong places. Perhaps she waits at the start of my adventure... So adieu, for a while anyway. May you discover your heart and follow its prompting...

A Special Memory...

Sometimes, in life, I find something unique
that sparks a memory when I see or speak
If negative, it might provoke denial
While positives can bring on a smile.
For me there's a thing that does stimulate
Memories that I think are great
And perhaps with another, sweet and fair,
The rememberance will a smile share.
...

Behind the walls...

I often feel misunderstood, frustrated, and alone. I don't understand myself sometimes, especially the depth of feeling that often stirs me, so I have little hope of another understanding me. Behind the stoic exterior is a boiling caldron of sometimes barely containable emotions. Wit and humor set a solid wall of defense against prying eyes and hearts. Even as I long to fully experience love I recognize the walls I've constructed to keep it away, or at least the negative consequences of the emotion. Fierce introspection lately has indeed revealed my heart's defenses and difficult characteristics of true love, that love which my heart longs for with untold passion...

I think everyone today longs to be loved, and indeed some are, while others of us continue to search. And yet, it is so elusive. Why? Because it is impossible to experience true love unless our heart is right, and is prepared to give as well as receive... True love is selfless and that flies against our very desire to protect our heart and all that our failed love experiences teaches us we need to do to avoid hurt. We are selfish; we want guarantees that we won't be hurt if we enter in to a relationship, we want the other to take the chance, we want control. We enter love like a kid afraid of a swimmimg pool- a toe first, maybe a foot after a minute more, then timidly, step by step, as it slowly engulfs us...

I think love is best experienced via the cannonball route. Not from a selfish prospetive, but a selfless one. If we truly love then our desire is first for our mate and their happiness. It is about giving up control, about putting the other above ourself... It is commiting to the other, being vulnerable and transparent, open and game free... It is a surrendering of self for the betterment of the relationship. It is the giving of our most precious resource; ourself, our soul. It is becoming fully vulnerable with no guarantees of happiness or success, just an abandonment to another with the trust that they will hold our heart as preciously and carefully as we need them to. It is a commitment to living without walls, defenseless, with our mate. And if our mate doesn't share these values we will be hurt, brutally and callously hurt. I know; to a severe degree I understand this. Takers thrive on givers...

It shouldn't be surprising to me to find this viewpoint so rare today, among those seeking love, for mostly the viewpoint is selfish- how to find love without going through pain, or failure, or mistakes of the past. Sometimes I find myself embracing such a desire. Yet to fully experience the depth and breadth of love, to fully embrace it's all-encompassing power, the possibility of hurt must be present. It is a characteristic of the Creation; man is a creature of choice, of free will, and every choice has two sides. Joy or hurt. Selfless or selfish. Guarded or open. Walled or vulnerable. Look at perfect love- look at Jesus Christ. Look at his choices. I want to love God, and love people as he did. Even more specifically, I want to fall in love with one who desires to love me with the same reckless abandon as I do her... The question is, am I willing to chance the hurt again? Am I willing to give me to another? Do I have the guts to do a cannonball, or will I be content to just test the waters? I would love to just be able to cut loose with that special someone, to shower them with love and affection as my heart desires, to engage in the Great Romance... But I am "too intense", too overwhelming when allowing my emotions free reign, so I slide behind my wall of stoicism, and hide my inner longings behind a facade of extroversion and wit. And I am frustrated, and alone... I don't know; it is a deeply conflicting issue...