Feelings...

"Feelings. Nothing more than than feelings. Trying to forget my feelings of love. Teardrops rolling down on my face, trying to forget my feelings of love... Feelings, feelings like I never lost you, and feelings like I never had you, again in my heart." When Morris Albert first recorded the song "Feelings" in 1974 he touched upon the dichotomy that is our emotions, our feelings.

Emotions are a real conundrum, for we rely on our feelings to guide us, yet there is nothing more unstable, and often faulty as our emotions. All too often we act, not on logic or fact, but on our feelings. We do what feels right, we get in relationships because it feels rights, or we act because our "gut" tells us to. Sometimes we get pensive, even afraid to act, even though logic dictates that is the correct choice. Sometimes we are ambushed by our feelings...

Relationally, we must realize that feelings have validity. Whether right or wrong, if one feels a certain way those feelings are valid and must be addressed. A common mistake, when confronted with "faulty feelings" from our partner, is to get defensive or to point out the error of those feelings. Wrong tactic! Something has triggered those feelings and first the feelings need to be validated, then dealt with (ie. "I'm sorry you feel angry/hurt/betrayed. What did I do that made you feel that way, so I can try to avoid doing so in the future?"). Acknowledging and dealing with the feelings can allow one to get past them to the core issue that truly caused them. Feelings are often a symptom of a deeper core issue or fear that may not even be related to our relationship, but certain words or actions can trigger the faulty response. We can learn these triggers and avoid them (and potential future conflict) by validating feelings and dealing with them effectively.

Recognizing that our own feelings may sometimes mislead us can be huge in both personal and relational growth. Seeing ourselves realistically doesn't make us less of a person, indeed it can help us grow exponentially as a person, helping us to better reach our potential, personally, relationally, and within our own personal world. Food for thought...

Relationships...

I wrote a couple of blogs on inequitable relationships and I am amazed at how many people visit my blog specifically searching out information on just that subject. For many, for the most part, relationships seem to be difficult and yet they really shouldn't be. Yes, relationships take effort, but they shouldn't be difficult, they shouldn't be so much work. So why are they?

I believe relationships tend to be difficult because one or both parties tend to be self-focused, even selfish in what they want out of the relationship. The focus is ME, and how can I meet my needs. When the basis of the relationship is self centered one or both sides get emotionally drained or starved and ultimately the relationship fails. And yet we try again, and again. Why? Because we are afraid to be alone.

Our society breeds loneliness, for it moves at such at rapid, self-gratification pace that we don't take the time to learn how to properly develop relationships. And yet we are social creatures, created for community, so we crave the company of others. We crave intimacy, and yet we don't know how to nurture it. We long to meet our most basic desires without the proper skills for success. We even sometimes find ourselves staying in relationships that are harmful to us because the fear of being lonely is greater than the fear of being abused. And yet, we never learn that there is a difference in being alone and being lonely, for all too often we can find ourselves "lonely" within the context of a relationaship...

So what is the key to a successful relationship? It is the very thing that can create inequitable relationships, if one party or the other remains "self" centered. The key to success is to be "other" centered, to put the good will of the other ahead of ourselves. This is where it takes effort, for we've been programed by society to look out for "me" first. It feels foreign to put another ahead of our wants, but when we learn to do just that we learn how immensely satisfying it can be. There is a certain joy in giving, a satisfaction that is fulfilling. When both parties in a relationship are "other" oriented our needs are unselfishly met, even as we unselfishly meet the needs of our partner. As the relationship grows it becomes increasingly easier to give, especially when we are given to, and the effort becomes easier, rather than more difficult... Relationships don't have to be difficult, if we learn to adjust and adapt our focus off ourselves.

The most successful person in history at relationships was selfless, giving beyond measure, even to the point of sacrificing his very life out of his love for us. There is no greater teacher than Jesus Christ, and emulating Him in our relationships is a receipe for success... Food for thought,,,

Comfort Zones....

We all tend to find areas of life that we are comfortable in and sometimes it's hard to break out of out comfort zones, to challenge ourselves beyond that which is established, or comfortable. Personally, I've found a comfort zone in just being alone. I've had relationships in my past, though not many, and quite honestly I've been hurt, and deeply, in each important relationship I've entered into. Trust, which I consider a vital cornerstone, was broken in all but one, and I find it a little more difficult each time to put myself out there and make myself vulnerable, only to have that trust shattered yet again... What happened to honesty, to integrity? So I choose to be alone, to trust myself alone, but not to trust in another...

Tonight I responded to an e-mail from a friend and found myself writing, "Sometimes it is easier to remain safe than happy". How sad is that! And altogether too true sometimes. I think sometimes we see the risk and forfeit potential happiness all in the name of playing it safe. The potential for hurt doesn't outweigh the potential happiness- in fact the trade off may not even be close- but the potential for hurt does impact our comfort zone. So we pass- on life, on potential happiness, on new and glorious experiences, on the possibility of great new memories to warm us when we grow old... We sacrifice happiness for the sake of safety, of comfort. And we rob ourselves of an abundant life...

Is it better to be safe than happy? I think not, so I have to ask myself, what is holding me back? Why aren't I living out there on the edge grasping for all life has to offer? Well, for now at least, I have an alibi- I broke both bones in my lower right leg last week after slipping on the ice. No jumping or grabbing etc, for a while- Doctor's orders. (I'm such a coward!)