Hypocricy...

I really don't like hypocrites at all. Few people do. And yet, I fnd myself guilty of this very thing. I am a hypocrite. All my life I've been true to others' expectations, but not really true to myself. I've struggled with this before, yet seem to be stuck on the same path I've walked for a lifetime. You see, I've learned to become whatever is expected of me. I'm a good son, a good dad, a good Christian, a good boss, a good friend, a nice guy. But I'm not, deep down... I am not.

There is something fierce and savage in me that screams to get out, yet I have kept an iron hand on my heart for so long I have subdued it, pressed it into submission, quenched it's desire. Instead of following my heart I have forced my heart to follow my (or others') expectations. I have been suffocating my heart. For years. I am now a human chameleon, changing to fit expectations. I have learned to be whatever is desired- but not necessarily my desire. The truly sad thing is, God looks at the heart (I Sam 16:7). We usually think of that as his examination of our thoughts and motives, but I think it goes well beyond that. I think God looks at my heart and sees a supressed, beaten into submission, broken heart, for I have not been true to my heart for many years.

I want to live, to love, so completely and freely that my heart soars with the eagles. I want to save the beauty, my Beauty, from life's trials and tribulations, I want to follow the deep longings of my heart, the quest for adventure. I don't want my Beauty to be my adventure, but want to sweep her up into my adventure with me... But that scares people away. So I bind my heart, I become stoic and contained, domesticated on the outside while raging on the inside. I please others at the cost of my soul. I become a farce, a hypocrite. I think I was born about 150 yrs too late, for I feel the call to ride off in the wilderness, to lose myself among the majesties of creation, to follow the yearning of my heart. My heart is still wild, savage, untamed, desiring to be freed, yet bound in the chains of societal expectation. One day I will free my heart, one day I will find that one who desires to walk with me, to run with me, who will embrace the savage, who will desire to be rescued, and loved like never before. One day I will free my heart, and all will see I am not just a "nice guy". What society expects will not matter, what my heart wants it will pursue with reckless abandon, with a raw, wild, and untamed passion that is not for the faint of heart. And God will smile, and bless me and mine, for He will see my heart will be at last set free...
I think it time for a respite, but I will not seclude myself in my cave. No, it is time to explore creation, to chase after my heart, even if I walk alone, for all too long I've waited for my Beauty to walk with me, too long I sought without finding. Perhaps I seek in the wrong places. Perhaps she waits at the start of my adventure... So adieu, for a while anyway. May you discover your heart and follow its prompting...

A Special Memory...

Sometimes, in life, I find something unique
that sparks a memory when I see or speak
If negative, it might provoke denial
While positives can bring on a smile.
For me there's a thing that does stimulate
Memories that I think are great
And perhaps with another, sweet and fair,
The rememberance will a smile share.
...

Behind the walls...

I often feel misunderstood, frustrated, and alone. I don't understand myself sometimes, especially the depth of feeling that often stirs me, so I have little hope of another understanding me. Behind the stoic exterior is a boiling caldron of sometimes barely containable emotions. Wit and humor set a solid wall of defense against prying eyes and hearts. Even as I long to fully experience love I recognize the walls I've constructed to keep it away, or at least the negative consequences of the emotion. Fierce introspection lately has indeed revealed my heart's defenses and difficult characteristics of true love, that love which my heart longs for with untold passion...

I think everyone today longs to be loved, and indeed some are, while others of us continue to search. And yet, it is so elusive. Why? Because it is impossible to experience true love unless our heart is right, and is prepared to give as well as receive... True love is selfless and that flies against our very desire to protect our heart and all that our failed love experiences teaches us we need to do to avoid hurt. We are selfish; we want guarantees that we won't be hurt if we enter in to a relationship, we want the other to take the chance, we want control. We enter love like a kid afraid of a swimmimg pool- a toe first, maybe a foot after a minute more, then timidly, step by step, as it slowly engulfs us...

I think love is best experienced via the cannonball route. Not from a selfish prospetive, but a selfless one. If we truly love then our desire is first for our mate and their happiness. It is about giving up control, about putting the other above ourself... It is commiting to the other, being vulnerable and transparent, open and game free... It is a surrendering of self for the betterment of the relationship. It is the giving of our most precious resource; ourself, our soul. It is becoming fully vulnerable with no guarantees of happiness or success, just an abandonment to another with the trust that they will hold our heart as preciously and carefully as we need them to. It is a commitment to living without walls, defenseless, with our mate. And if our mate doesn't share these values we will be hurt, brutally and callously hurt. I know; to a severe degree I understand this. Takers thrive on givers...

It shouldn't be surprising to me to find this viewpoint so rare today, among those seeking love, for mostly the viewpoint is selfish- how to find love without going through pain, or failure, or mistakes of the past. Sometimes I find myself embracing such a desire. Yet to fully experience the depth and breadth of love, to fully embrace it's all-encompassing power, the possibility of hurt must be present. It is a characteristic of the Creation; man is a creature of choice, of free will, and every choice has two sides. Joy or hurt. Selfless or selfish. Guarded or open. Walled or vulnerable. Look at perfect love- look at Jesus Christ. Look at his choices. I want to love God, and love people as he did. Even more specifically, I want to fall in love with one who desires to love me with the same reckless abandon as I do her... The question is, am I willing to chance the hurt again? Am I willing to give me to another? Do I have the guts to do a cannonball, or will I be content to just test the waters? I would love to just be able to cut loose with that special someone, to shower them with love and affection as my heart desires, to engage in the Great Romance... But I am "too intense", too overwhelming when allowing my emotions free reign, so I slide behind my wall of stoicism, and hide my inner longings behind a facade of extroversion and wit. And I am frustrated, and alone... I don't know; it is a deeply conflicting issue...

2nd Chances...

Whatever name by which it goes,
my life it does enhance,
Replay, Do-over, or Mulligan,
It's still a second chance.

Not oft this life doest grant the grace
in matters of the heart
To allow us to make mistakes
then grant us a re-start.

So when those times, so rare and few,
happen on life's way
Embrace your luck and don't look back
For today is a new day.

A Definition...

I was pondering this morning about our desire for more- more than we have, often more than we need. It seems ultimately that we want to enjoy our time, and to do so we need to free it up. Society has sold us on the idea that we need things to play with in our free time to be able to enjoy that free time so we funnel our energies, and more importantly, our time, into the drive to make more money so we can buy things to help us enjoy our time, which we now have less of because we're working more, and harder, to accumulate money to buy those things to help us enjoy our free time, which is lessened by our work load and the subsequent burnout that follows, from which we must use more time to recuperate to be able to fully enjoy our time. So I think, in an abstract way, I've figured out this drive for more: What is is more than what was but less than what could be so we find dissatisfaction with what is for the sake of the could be though the was was abundant to meet our needs. There was time with was, less time with is, and far less in the pursuit of the could be. Food for thought...

True riches...

As I reflect on riches of this world, and on how so often we are driven by desire for possessions, I came to realize how rich I am becoming, for I am aquiring something special, something money cannot buy, something that is truly priceless, and dear to all. And I am learning to aquire it, though it may be one of the toughest commodities to obtain. I am learning to aquire time, or more specifically, free time.Life has a way of exacting a very heavy toll on our time, and we all seem to fall into the same trap; if we can only move faster then we can do more. If we can only do more we will be happy, fulfilled. But it's a lie, for the more driven we are the more hurried we feel. But learning to appreciate time, to take control of our moments, to learn to be time-rich brings about a sense of fulfillment. We take control, we own our lives, and our time again. We learn to live in the moment. Carl Jung said hurry is not of the devil, hurry is the devil.
Today I spent some of my time, time to rest, time to relax, time to kayak for the first time this season. I did a little work, but I also took today as a day to enjoy time. I soaked in the hot tub. I watched a movie. I built a fire and read my book for an hour or so on my new deck tonight, by firelight, with Mozart playing softly in the background. Tonight I enjoyed my riches. It was a great day, and night...

A Loner no longer...

I've been a loner most of my life. It was almost with a convoluted sense of pride that I felt I didn't need anyone, that I could stand alone. But these last few years, as I've begun to experience the joy of community with others it has become apparent to me how flawed my earlier thinking was. Now I've learned that I don't necessarily need others, but as I began to experience the joys and benefits of community I began to want it. Then, as the desire to meet that want grows, I've discovered that I do need others... How's that for circuitous linear thinking?

So what has community done for me? For starters, I've come to enjoy the gift of giving, and that is not something a loner often experiences... I love to see a need and just meet it; I've learned the greatest blessings come when giving with no thought or expectation of return. Sometimes I might be taken advantage of, however, if I know going in that the possibility exists, am I really? Sure, I've been criticized for being too free with my resources, but my standard I measure my action by is, if Jesus were here what would he do, or what would he desire me to do? Often the action is a no-brainer.

Another blessing of community is the friendships themselves. Realizing that I truly like people and can feel their honest liking for me is really incredible. Actually missing them when apart, and realizing they've missed me too, by their response when reunited is uniquely fulfilling. Hearing, "I missed you", and feeling actual joy at seeing them is something a loner doesn't often experience...

People and relationships can be work for me, can be taxing. One thing I didn't experience very often as a loner was the disappointment that ultimately comes in relationships, for we are all human, and destined to fail, no matter how hard we try. When I was alone people didn't disappoint, for I didn't expect anything. As a member of community I've found that disappointment is inevitable, but it is my response that is important. I can choose to be adversely affected, withdraw and be disappointed, or I can choose to extend grace, to be intentional in preserving the sanctity of the relationship... Community done right teaches grace, fellowship, and generousity...

Age vs Agelessness...

I think I'm older than God. Really. Not that I'm all that old, but I think God is eternally young, for he is eternal, and I am far closer to death and dying than God ever will be. Man is born to die, and every living moment is a moment closer to death; the older we get the closer to dying. My God doesn't have to worry about that, for he is the Uncreated, and death has no sway over Him. He is eternally young, and when I think of my youth I remember things as new, and fresh, and the excitement of discovery... Imagine an eternity of new and fresh and exciting!

It's true that chronologically God has been around many more years than I (an eternity, to be exact) but I don't think an eternal God ages, for he is outside the constraints of time, therefore can be forever young, forever fresh, forever exciting. He is abundant life. So why do I picture him as young, and not an old guy sitting up in heaven dictating things? Because the older I get, the more I observe people as they age, the more I realize we tend to lose our zest for life. We get in ruts, the day-to-day grind wears on us, we allow life's problems to drag us down. Look around, it's the kids who live life abundantly. They're not able to care for themselves, feed themselves, meet their daily needs, yet they find joy in living, they find abundance in their life. So I've got to think, abundant living must have something to do with that total abandonment to the one who loves me, and promises to meet my every need, want, and desire, just as little kids abandon their needs to the ones who love them and care for them (that would be their parents!)

I was sitting in the hot tub tonight, looking up at the millions of stars in the heavens and couldn't help but think how arrogant we are here on Earth. I'm a micro-organism on a speck of dirt on the edge of one out of countless solar systems on the fringe of an immeasureable galaxcy, and I think my day-to-day problems are relevant and important. I do think they're important to God, but only because they're important to me, and he loves me unconditionally so my problems are his concerns too. Yet if I ever learned to view life from an eternal perspective I think my day-o-day troubles would disappear, for I would be totally abandoned to my Heavenly Father, and he can handle anything! The amazing thoughts tonight though, were that, despite the uncalcuable size of the heavens, despite the millions and billions of stars, each with the possibility of their own solar systems, their own creations, there is something beyond the heavens... We know, for the Bible tells us so. Genesis, chapter one decribes the second and third days of creation as follows:

"And God said, "Let there be an expanse between the waters to separate water from water." So God made the expanse and separated the water under the expanse from the water above it. And it was so. God called the expanse "sky" (or, "the heavens"). And there was evening, and there was morning-- the second day. And God said, "Let the water under the sky be gathered to one place, and let dry ground appear." And it was so. God called the dry ground "land," and the gathered waters he called "seas." And God saw that it was good." (NIV, v.6-10)

So the question for today is, "What did God do with the waters that he separated that are above the heavens?" Food for thought...

Fall in the Garden...

I was reading again this morning the creation account in Genesis, and several things struck me, but one thought was new and worthy of further consideration... As God spoke creation into being, as he created man and animals, he did so out of the dust of the Earth (Adam: ch.2, v.7- animals: ch.2, v.19), but when he created woman it was out of Adam's rib (Eve: ch.2, v21-22). I think it is interesting that of all God's creation only woman was created out of different material than all the rest of creation, only woman formed out of living organism... Woman was formed out of man, yet is delightfully unique from all of creation! What a blessing! Perhaps we as men have too long done a disservice to our counterparts, holding them as lesser than us rather than acknowledging their wonderful uniqueness- equal but different... Food for thought.

I was also reminded this morning, as I reread this account, that God created man in the wild, and placed him in the Garden, and gave to man the ultimatum not to eat from the tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil before Eve was created... It was man's responsibility to protect that mandate, and though Eve was decieved, Adam was clearly there and did nothing to stop the deception... Though we blame Eve for being the deceived one the reality is that it was Adam's responsibility to protect not only the mandate of God, but also Eve from the deception. Adam failed both Eve and God...

The other thing I found interesting about the whole Garden of Eden account was the incredible size that the Garden must have encompassed. For kicks and giggles I called up a map of the headwaters of the Tigris and Euphrates rivers (two of the four rivers that flowed out of the headwaters of the river that flowed from the Garden of Eden- the other two rivers are not there today) and the area encompassed is huge! Imagine living in a garden that is the size of a good size state! Each day you could explore and experience something new, something fresh, everything there for your delight. It shows how even before the Fall, before the deception, our human nature was to want what we cannot have. Adam and Eve were given everything, but with only one restriction, and they had to break that one restriction. Just like us today...

Love is Not Enough...

Well, I'm off my break and back to writing a bit. This past week I took some time off and built a deck. As I have never built a deck before it was an experience. But I'm pleased with the results, and my retired neighbor and my father both gave it a passing grade (actually I think they were impressed, at least a little bit), and I respect their opinions greatly... So now I have a nice place to put the hot tub, and the grill, and to relax...

If I've learned one thing in my relational life it is that Love is not enough. Even if both people are deeply in love with each other it is not enough to sustain and grow a relationship. After listening to many, many people, (both men and women), say after failed relationships, "I know what I want. I won't settle next time. I'd rather be alone than to settle for less than I want/deserve." Well, get ready to be alone. That's what I've learned, for "not settling" is really a negative way of saying you're not willing to compromise, and without compromise love cannot survive a relationship between two flawed and imperfect people. Compromise is the art of learning to give a little in order to get much more. It's negotiating in love. It's telling your partner that meeting their needs or desires is as important to you as you having yours met by them. When done right it is mutually fulfilling; when not practiced it reduces the relationship into a "me-first" mentality and ultimately the relationship dies.

It's amazing how easy it is to cast blame away from ourselves for failed relationships- blame the other for not being what we wanted or expected, yet how willing are we to own our own stubborness or unyielding spirit? It's interesting to listen to both side, both stories of a failed relationship; rarely are they even close to the same, and when shared together are often laced with accusatory and inflamatory rebuttals, like, "That's a lie!", or, "I didn't do that!" We tend to recognize our mate's failings with ease, yet refuse to acknowledge their criticisms as having any validity at all... And so we pack our shortcomings away and haul them along with us into our next relationship, to be opened and aired in our next confrontation... And the cycle begins again...

If we are to expect success, if we want relational conformity to our desires, we must be willing to give ourselves, to negotiate, to compromise, or failure is emminent yet again. Success comes from our expression that our mate's needs are important to us, and we are willing to move off our position to meet them, just as our mate also expresses their desire to meet our needs. This isn't "settling", it is learning to be flexible and pliable within the context of a relationship. If both people have the same bottom line- the relationship is important and our desire is to be together- then it is easier to move off our position to a middle ground, for our ultimate desire is to be together, and to be happy together... And that's the key: Mutual compromise = togetherness.