Fiscal Conservatism...

I came to adulthood during the Jimmy Carter- Ronald Reagan presidencies and, though young and not greatly vested in our economy, I did realize how Carter's policies failed so dramatically, and subsequently lived through the golden era of Reganomics, some 25 years of prosperity. Now today we stand on the brink of a Carter-esque catastrophy again. What went wrong?
Clearly, we failed to learn from our past, and, in addition, we've elected people who either cannot do basic math, or choose not to. Instead, some politicians used some sort of convoluted math that defies logic to promote their own selfish agendas. Now I'm not speaking here as a Republican, or a Democrat, or even an Independent- I'm speaking strictly as a Fiscal Conservative.
I believe in many of those principles that Reagan promoted as a solution for our economic mess, especially that limited government is critical to economic growth. We won't find that today, for it would mean putting some of the 50 million people on the government payroll out of work and force some to find a real job. It would mean that some elected officials would actually have to do their jobs, instead of delegating everything to underlings. It would mean that, at some point, politicians would have to learn to work together again...

As to basic math, that our politicians don't seem to understand, it's simply this principal- 20% of a million is a lot more than 50% of a hundred thousand. Reagan understood this and slashed income taxes on the wealthy- from the 70% that Carter had assessed them to 28%. Now politicians screamed that we were allowing the rich to get richer and the poor middle class would be burdened unfairly. Sorry, but they were wrong, and history now proves it.

Under Carter, in 1979, the top 1% of Americans paid 18.3% of our total taxes (at a 70% rate). By 2006, at 28%, they were now paying 39.1%. In fact, the top ten percent of wealthy Americans paid 48.1% in 1979, but by 2006 they were 72.8%. One step further- the top 40% of all earners paid 85.1% of taxes in 1979 while in 2006 they paid 98.7%. Conversely, the bottom 40% in 1979 paaid 4.1% of all income taxes, while in 2006 they were receiving 3.3% in payments from the government. Why is this true, in direct opposition to the rhetoric were being force-fed today?

First, the premise that it takes money to make money is true. Consequently, those who have money will invest where they can make money. In 1979 it was not in America, where they lost more than 70 cents out of every dollar they earned. But under Reagan they got to keep about 70 cents out of every dollar, thereby making investing in America much more appealing. This created economic growth, which led to more jobs, increased spending, greater revenue streams for the government, lower interest rates, and lower unemployment. In all, a healthier economy.
Second, it is the wealthy that create jobs, which in turn creates income, which in turn leads to more taxes paid, which in turn leads to more revenue for our govenment. I have never one time, in all my 50+ years of life, ever seen or even heard of a poor man giving a rich man a job. Never, not even once. However, I know many rich men who give many, many more poorer men jobs. So it is in the best interest of our country to keep our wealthy investing in us, not someplace overseas...
Third, we've allowed what I call "Government Creep", or the slow (and sometimes not so slow) growth of the size of government over the years. Once government grows it fights the very people who elected them to keep what it's gained. It is like a snowball, rolling downhill, gaining size and momentum until it crashes and breaks. We need to stop it before it is entirely unmanagable and destroys itself and us with it... As Reagan believed, what we need to return to- limited government...

So to our current crop of politicians I say this- Grow up and work together. We're all Americans, we all want a healthy country. Learn to work together or get out. To Obama, and your obviously failed policies that are leading our country into fiscal ruin, look at our history, learn from our past. It's not too late to reverse yourself from your whole socialistic "share the wealth" philosophy and do something good for our nation.

Eternity and the finite mind...

I was pondering, this past Thanksgiving weekend, the concept of Eternity. It's a tough ponder, for infinite concepts are not really graspable by the finite mind. Infinite concepts are really only understood by the Uncreated, where infinite is a state of being. Still, I was again amazed at how little we tend to consider what comes after this life...
I believe in a Heaven, and I believe in a Hell, and so time to time I find myself pondering what is to come. It seems that most people I know or meet are really preoccupied with the stresses of day-to-day living, and to getting ahead in this life so what is to come doesn't seem to be of much concern. (It's interesting, but the closer we get to death and dying the more important it seems to become). Still, we should try to consider Eternity, and more than just the occassional thought, for in the larger picture it is really Eternity that matters.
We seem to have gotten our priorities mixed up, for all our focus is on the temporal. If we live say, 70 to 80 years, why do we focus so much time and energy on how we live during those few years when we will exist in Eternity- millieniums of millineums of time spent in either Heaven or Hell... The reality is, the impact we make on world during our few years on this earth, could be equated by the hole you'd leave when you pull your finger out of a bucket of water...  So why aren't we spending more time getting ready for Eternity?

Eternity is an infinite concept, and as such it is incredibly difficult to understand with a finite mind. Actually, we can never fully understand the concept, for it is beyond our reasoning, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try. Concepts like infinity and eternity, things with no beginning and no end, are beyond our reason, for we view time in a linear sense, as a succession of events that move us forward. But time, another infinite concept, isn't necessarily linear, it is portrayed as such to give our finite senses a point of bearing... God exists outside of the concept of time, and is not bound by it's properties and restrictions, so He therefore can see us at all points of our lives at once- but that's another discussion...

I guess the thought I have today, is what am I, or what are you, doing to better prepare for a life after this one? If you believe in life after death, then there a good chance that there's a heaven and a hell too, so where are you headed, and are you secure in destination? To my atheist friends I just have this to say: Should I be right and you be wrong, perhaps you'd better pack for really warm weather... Food for thought.

Our Well of Insecurity and Inadaquacy...

Warning: This blog is personal, and may well get personal, so if you don't want personal change channels now.

I was out doing leaves again today, for yard work often gives me time to think, and my thoughts turned to my blog and the fact that I haven't blogged in a while. As is often my way I questioned myself on why I haven't written and I came to the conclusion that I really didn't have anything good to say, and I didn't want to write some drivel just to be writing. It occured to me that I write because some people like it, and by extention they might like me. I realized that I, so often the loner, really do want to be liked. Why?

Self-examination, or introspection, is often scary, and sometimes painful. It isn't something anyone really enjoys doing, for there's a place that we all know, that we've all experienced at one time or another, and most people try to avoid it... Did you ever see the movie "The Ring"? Remember that scary well? We all have one of those, that penetrates deep in our soul. It's that place most try to avoid, for to visit there, to gaze in its depths, is to visit the realization of how damaged we are. Every one of us, no exceptions. And most people don't like to acknowledge our damaged state. The deeper we go into that well the more exposed are our inadaquacies and insecurities. The terror of the depths is [almost] overwhelming. It's the reason why we work so hard, play so fast, sometimes push ourselves to the brink of ehaustion. We strive to keep busy for to slow down is to expose ourselves to that one person that knows us best- ourselves. As long as we stay busy, as long as we are working on the "who" we are,  we don't have the time, or the effort, to consider "what" we are. And that "what" is broken, damaged goods. We are all flawed. We are all left wanting. There's a hole in our soul that we long to fill, but no amount of busyness can fill it, nothing we can do can take away that insecurity, that feeling of inadaquacy we have when faced with the reality of ourselves. The deeper we descend into that well the more depressing it gets, so people try to do anything to keep from facing their well. Why is depression so rampant among those who have been hurt, hospitalized, laid up? Because of the misfourtune that has befallen them? Possibly, but more likely because they can no longer "do", for a time they must just "be". When unable to do we find ourselves faced with the reality of who and what we are, and that is a depressing scary thing.

What is this hole, that we can not ourselves fill? It is our separation from our purpose, our severence from our reason for our creation. It is seperation from our Creator, our God. But there is hope, especially when we dare to descend into our well, into our insecurity and inadaquacy, for when we are at our lowest, when we find ourselves most vulnerable, we only have to look and Jesus is there. He always meets us where we are, and he's always there to meet us in our hour of greatest need. A personal relationship with Him fills that hole that we can never fill alone. He gives reason for living, that no amount of hustle and bustle can ever fill. Even now, in my life, I sometimes find wrapped up in my own flaws and insecurities, descending down that well, and there, at my lowest, I find him, waiting, watching for me to acknowledge Him, to allow Him to give me strength and purpose that this world never can.

I went to see Bill Cosby last week and he spoke of his belief in the Bible and in God. Then he said, "I really feel sorry for atheists. They've left themselves no wiggle room. What are they gonna say to God when it turns out they're wrong?" I think he's absolutely right though, for we were created for community with God, and only God can fill that void. No goal, no amount of hustle, no bar scene or busyness can ever fill God's spot. I believe people choose not to believe in God because it helps them ignore their own flawed state' If there's no God then there's no rason to go near their own well, to gaze into their brokenness, to admit they're damaged goods. Only God fixes broken, only God restores damaged- no matter how hard we try. Food for thought...

Disillusionment: The Key to Community

The other night I expressed how deeply flawed I was, how disillussioned I was with myself, for I knew me, and I know how flawed and wrong I am and can be. Although I was reassured by my friend that certainly it isn't so I knew in my heart how right I was in my innermost feelings. I knew and recognized my feelings, yet I did not fully understand them, or their reasons for existing. Tonight I read a passage from "Life Together" by Dietrich Bonhoeffer that said' "God is not a God of the emotions but a God of truth. Only that fellowship that faces such disillusionment, with all its unhappy and ugly aspects,begins to be what it should be in God's sight, begins to grasp in faith the promise given to it. The sooner the shock of disillusionment comes to an indiviual and to a community the better for both." It was like a lightswitch was thrown- an answer, an understanding to my feelings of inadequacy and disillusionment with who and what I am.
     For me to enter into community with God, through my relationship with his son Jesus Christ, I must be stripped of all illusions of who I think God wants me to be, be stripped of all illusions of who I think I should be, and freed from all illusions and visions of how I think community with him should be. Bonhoeffer says later, "God hates visionary dreaming. It makes the dreamer proud and pretentious. The man who fashions a visionary ideal of community demands that it be realized by God, by others, and by himself. He enters the community of Christians with his own demands, sets up his own law, and judges the brethren and God himself accordingly." The point here is it is not for us to dream, to try and determine what community with God and other Christians should look like. It is just for us to enter into it, to allow God to work in his model of community, not ours. He already has brought us into fellowship with him, through the blood and mediation of his son, and we are already ready to live in community with him if we can only cast aside our visions of what that should be and just enter in with him...

    As I reflect on past experiences, both personal and observed, I can't help but see the truth that Bonhoeffer was so eloquently describing. In my past was I not guilty of spiritual pride? Did I not hold others to my own exacting standards, did I not sit in condemnation of others who didn't measure up? I was wrong, for I was inflicting my visions, my standards on others, and I was woefully prideful in my own "goodness". And what of the larger model of community, the church? I cannot recall attending even one local church that did not have a "vision" or visions of what they wanted to be and/or what they desired to accomplish. I think back on past, and even recent, cutbacks of staff and programs in churches I've attended and now ask myself, "Were they striving to meet their own 'vision' or were they laying aside all their illusions and just living in community with God and allowing him to direct the direction and 'vsion' of the church?" I can't help but wonder that if God were really directing things would there ever be a need for a cutback or layoff? Are we, as local bodies of Christ (churches) guilty of being visionaries?

     "For he himself is our peace..." (Eph. 2:14). When we come into community with God, through Jesus Christ, and do so without our visions, our illusions, we find peace, I find peace. We find peace with God, whatever the circumstance, and we find peace with our Christian brothers also living in community with God. Community is a gift of grace from God, pure and undistorted, if we only enter in in our dissillusionment... Food for thought...

To have, or not to have...

I was preparing to go to my honey's house this past Sunday, to watch football together, (that's right guys- she watches football! Eat your hearts out!) when I remembered some stuffed pizza I had left in the fridge and I thought, "I wonder if I should take it, just in case we want to nibble on it?" Better to have it, I reasoned, and not want it, than to want it and not have it...

That led me to ponder, is it better to want something but not have it, or have something but not want it? If we lack something and desire it we well may work toward achieving it. On the other hand, having something but not wanting it is waste, perhaps depriving someone of something they may want or need. Not having can create desire, give purpose or direction, set a goal. Having but not wanting is paramount to being wasteful, leading to nothing productive, just the accumulation of things no longer desireable...

Perhaps we need to rethink our motivation in our drive to accumulate "things", for the achievement is not in their aquisition, but in the drive, the desire created, to achieve. It is not the "thing" we desire that is important, but the setting and achieving of the goal... Food for thought...

Relationship Enrichers...

I often think that, as a society, we should get back to simplier, less complicated ways in our lives. We live life at breakneck speed, often going from dawn to dusk, without pause to realize that life is happening now, as we fly right by in our quests to accomplish. Occassionally slowing down, even stopping, to enjoy the moment can add untold riches to our lives, if only we realized...

This morning I was pondering the eloquence of three simple words, and the thought then occured to me that there are quite a number of three word phrases that could enrich and enhance our lives if we only chose to regularly practice them. For example:

I was wrong.

You go first.

I miss you.

May I help?

I am sorry.

Thank-you for____.
I appreciate you.
You're the best.
Please help me.
Simple phrases, surely, but packed with power. Relationship enrichers...
But the most powerful of all the simple phrases, the most incredibly impactful one is simply,
"I Love You"...
Food for thought...

Bonhoeffer on "Religion"

I've expressed my views in the past concerning "religion", and have stated I am not a religious person, nor do I ascribe to all the do's and don'ts we seem to have in organized religion... Tonight as I was reading "Bonhoeffer" I read a quote from his journal, that he wrote after attending a service at Riverside Church, in New York, 1939. (Riverside was one of the pre-ememinent churches of it's day) I think he experienced what I have observed even today in many of our church experiences. It went as follows: "The whole thing was a respectable, self-indulgent, self-satisfied religious celebration. This sort of idolatrous religion stirs up the flesh which is used to being kept in check by the Word of God. Such sermons make for liberalism, egotism, indifference. Do people know that one can get on as well, even better, without "religion"?"

I believe what Dietrich Bonhoeffer was saying was that when we tend to get wrapped up in the whole "religion" experience we tend to lose sight of Jesus Christ's message and example. Too often we see churches get caught up in all the pomp and tradition and forget to teach (if they even know how themselves!) to live in community with God and each other. The message we hear is how we can "feel good" about ourselves, our lives, that we forget that God doesn't promise our lives will be happy, but abundant. He doesn't say our lives will be worry free, but he does say yoke up with Him and your burden will be light (more on that another time)... Bonhoeffer didn't believe in "cheap grace", or grace that people want to accept without selling out for God in return. I believe that we as Christians practice cheap grace as a matter of course. We have it so easy, not really ever experiencing any persecution for out faith, that we get lax in our faith. Sometimes, when we don't experience tough times we don't appreciate the good times... We are not called to a personal relationship with Jesus Christ only to continue to live as we see fit, we are called to sell out completely to Him if we want to be called a child of God... Food for thought...

Finally, An Answer?

Several months ago I revisited my "Open Letter" blog written several years prior... It was a letter I wrote to "the one " I've been searching for. Now, after many, many months of being alone I have met someone who could potentially be the one to whom that letter was written... We've corresponded, been out several times now, and seem to share a lot in common... She's special.

I'd appreciate a prayer or two, if you who read are so disposed, that if this is the lady that God has for me, that our relationship grow, and be blessed.

Thank you.  ~Bud

Urgent or Important?

I decided it was again time to straighten the warehouse, to try and restore some oorder to the most chaotic aspect of my business. As I was working back there I found myself re-doing some of the tasks my guys had already done, or were supposed to do, and I came to the realization that if they don't have time to do the job right the first time they will never have time to do it over.

I think that all too often we mistake "urgent" for "important". We tend to think that those things that are urgent, that seem to demand our immediate attention, are actually important. This is often not the case. If we learn to ignore the urgent and focus on what is truly important those urgeent things will tend to take care of themselves. Too often we use "urgent" as an excuse for poor or shoddy work, when the reality is, we've just put off dealing with what's important until it's blossomed out of control...

Be smart; learn to differentiate between urgent aand important, then focus on the important. Food for thought...

Shooting from the Hip...

I'm feeling a bit random tonight... I've learned several truths that I fell worthy to put down in print...

We experience pain in our lives; we must go through it to conquer it, and yet all too often we try to go around it... Going around it just prolongs it.

We cannot compartmentalize anger- holding on to our anger in one area will inveritably allow it to spill over in to other areas and relationships... Especially in relationships. When anger is held on to it robs us of the opportunity to dispense grace. We all want and need grace, why are we so hesitant to dispense it? My mom said something very profound today- she said that over time we all want others to recognize that we've grown, or changed, but sometimes we fail to recognize that change in one who's hurt us. We may have moved on in our life, but if we recognize that they have too we must dispense grace, and allow that they may have changed too... That's pretty tough for many to do...

I learned from Bonhoeffer today an interesting concept. He says, in essence, that the questions we ask are, :Is there a God?" and , "Do we need the Church today?", but the questions are wrong. The Church exists, and God exists, so it is actually we who should be questioned. What we should be asking is, "are we willing to be of service, for God needs us".It is interesting to ponder the question from the absolute that God does and always  has existed, for from that perspective the responsibility falls completely on us as to whether we as individuals will answer God's call or ultimately reject Him. It is no longer a question of His existence, it is a question of our obedience. Much more disquieting to our spirits... /Much more difficult to accept. As a people, the vast majority tend to shun responsibility rather than accepting it...

A little white lie is still a lie, and if truth is an absolute than lying is absolutely wrong. Unfortunately all too many don't believe in absolute truth any more, thereby laying the foundation for the acceptance of lies. I've actually heard people say that a lie is okay if it is told to spare someone's feelings, or to keep from hurting someone. What kind of reasoning is that? If the truth hurts now, won't it hurt more when it finally comes out, for it will have been buried in lies. The truth may hurt, but getting caught in a lie always does. Getting caught in a lie destroys trust, the very foundation to any successful relationship...

Finally, in closing, I've learned that I'm not always politically correct, and you know what? -I don't want to be. I think I'm fed up with all this BS about not wanting to step on anyone's toes... And I'm really tired of all the government handouts. I work for a living, so should everyone else. For all these people who want to collect welfare I say let them earn it. Let them pick up trash in our parks or along our roadway, let them earn that government check. It would do two things; First, it allows people to feel like they're earning their check, which in turn raises self worth. And a prerequisite to receiving a check should be that each recipient passes a drug screen. We might just save a ton on welfare and begin to lower our national debt with the money we save. And my last thought- If you don't pay any taxes you don't have the right to vote. No taxes, no vote. fifty one percent of Americans paid no federal income tax in 2010. If they don't have any money in the pot then they shouldn't have the right to vote on who and how we spend it... That would reslly scare the liberal left!

Food for thought, shooting  from the hip...

A time out...

I've been taking a short respite from writing, to do a little more learning my own self. I believe that learning is a skill that must be fed, honed, or we lose our capacity to learn. Therefore I'm taking a short sabbatical here to pursue and expand my interest in one of the greatest (if not the greatest) theologians of the twentieth century, Deitrick Bonhoeffer.

I recommend "Bonhoeffer: Pastor, Martyr, Prophet, Spy" which is his biograghy, but even more interestingly, gives a unique insight into the development of Hitler's Germany from a German perspective within... Not only was Bonhoeffer a great German teacher and theologian, he was also complicit in the assassination plot to kill Hitler. He was arrested and held in a jail until just a few days before Germany's surrender. But he was not released- he was executed.
  Bonhoeffer developed much of the modern ideology that drives the "Seeker Church" today. His teaching on Community ("Life Together") and Discipleship ("The Cost of Discipleship"), on the Church as it relates to Jesus Christ is incredible. So please bear with me as I take some time out to read, to study, to learn.
Thank you.

Love's Opposite...

I made a fire on the deck tonight. As it burned I couldn't help but notice how all-consuming fire is. I also noticed the it burned differently, depending on the wood. I had a couple of pieces of oak, solid, heavy wood that was still burning when I came in at midnight. Several pieces of Aspen burned quick and bright, but didn't last long at all. I had some pine that flared up nice, but also burned quickly...

I got to thinking that fire is alot like some of our emotions. Those emotions that are powerful, strong, are like fire. Love is fire. It can start out slow, small, and not real hot, but in time it grows, in size, in heat, in intensity. Like different kinds of wood we can also experience love differently, from a stable long-burning emotion, to the white-hot flare up that recedes and leaves us sometimes confused and spent...

But love is not alone in being an intense emotion. Hate is also a fire. Often hate is thought to be the opposite of love, but it is not. It is perhaps better described as love's cousin, for it is very similar to love in it's characteristics. It can start slow, and build. It can become intense and all-consuming... Relationally, becuase they are so similar in their intensity, people often fluctuate between these powerful emotions within the relationship. Factor in the powerful emotion of anger as the catalyst between the two and it's easy to understand the concept of a love-hate relationship.

So what is the opposite of love? The opposite of love is indifference.Like a fire, love needs to be fed, to be fueled if it is going to grow, in heat and intensity. Failure to feed the fire allows the fire to die, and the fault is ours, for like fire, it needs our attention to survive and to grow. Indifference is like wet wood- there's no way fire will ever be able to consume it, for it is incapable of allowing even the smallest spark to take hold. Indifference is the antithesis of love; it is the killer of love. Food for thought...

It's Raining...

Tonight we had a soft little rain... For reasons still undiscovered I decided to take a little walk in the rain- barefoot. I walked in puddles. Intentionally. I enjoyed myself, even though I'll probably catch cold or get sick now. What am I thinking? I'm way too young to be slipping into my "second childhood"... But still, it was enjoyable. It was fun. When was the last time you intentionally walked in the rain?

The Failproof Relationship...

It seems like I've been alone a long time now. In reality, it's only been since June, when my daughter got married and moved out and my best little pal died... Relationally it's been much longer, close to a year and a half. Occassionally, when I start to feel down, the memories tend to remind me being alone isn't as bad as being with the wrong person, no matter how much I might have cared. After all, that's the lesson learned- it is better to be alone than to be with the wrong person. I know that goes against societal wisdom, which seems to push us into relationships whether we're ready or not, and often before we know if we even like the other...

I had brunch with my folks Sunday after church. They moved into a new condo about 3 months ago so I've made it a habit of dropping in 3-4 times a week to check on them, help out if needed, etc. Occassionally we have a meal together. I think they really enjoy my company, not just as a son but as a person, for I meet in each of them a different need, a different desire. As we were leaving the restaurant Mom turned to me and said, "We're sure glad you don't have anyone in your life right now. It makes more time for us." I tease her a lot about praying for me, and my relational status, for she is ever vigilant about praying for the right person for me, but I told her I now understand what she's praying for- no woman so I can spend time with them! We laughed, but usually in jest there is underlying truth, if we choose to seek it out. This truth- I'm extremely lucky to have both parents still living and active at my age and theirs, and these are precious memories we're all making for those times when we won't have each other. I'm glad I can recognize the importance of each visit... I pray that my kids will realize sooner, rather than later, or too late, the importance of family, and relationships (not that they don't know now necessarily, but everyone's so busy that sometimes relationships are sacrificed for more "important things" like work, sports, commitments,etc)...

I miss having a hand to hold, eyes to gaze into, lips to kiss, a person to love. I miss companionship. But, I don't miss drama, anger, unrealized expectations. I don't miss the unrelenting pain of being betrayed, no matter what the form. I don't miss the hurt, the agony when my vulnerability is violated... I watch movies now, and if I get emotional at a well-played drama I am not ridiculed for my emotions, for I am alone. I can be completely me, free and easy, with no one or no desire to impress. I don't hurt my feelings, don't forget important dates, I am not insensitive to myself. Sometimes I let myself down, but I'm forgiving of myself, for I know how flawed and broken I am... But I don't have someone with which to share, someone to laugh with, to cry with, to snuggle in the cold, to chase on the beach... For I am alone. The scales swing back and forth...

It's important to realize that being alone is different than being lonely. Society teaches that those who are alone are probably lonely. But I beg to differ. One can be in the middle of a thousand people, be in the midst of a relationship, and be completely lonely while never being alone. Lonely is unmet needs, lonely is unrealized desire. Lonely is recognizing the hole in one's heart and not knowing how to fill it.That happens when relationships are wanting. Alone is not lonely... While ocassionally I feel lonely the feeling passes, for I am never alone. Most of my relationships may be flawed or fail, but I have one that never fails me, no matter how often I fail it. It is my relationship with Jesus Christ. He never lets me down... Food for thought...

Relationship Killers #5: Failure to Communicate...

Breakdowns in communication are often a major factor in the failure of relationships. The question isn't so much why communication breaks down, rather what is the reasons behind the lack of communication, for anyone can learn to communicate- it becomes a matter of the will to do so. Communication is not just learning to say how you feel or what you think, it is also learning to constructively listen to our mate and respond appropriately. Communication can be learned, but it isn't effective until desired.

People handle their emotions in different ways. Some wear their emotions on their sleeve, and need to address issues immediately. They're usually the "exploders", who go off and then feel better. Then there's the "stuffers", who just take everything in and compact it, like a trash compactor, until it's too full and garbage can't help but leak out... And there's the "stealth bomber", who takes all the heat, then, usually on the way out, takes a shot back and disappears... None are healthy ways to deal with our emotions, and all lead to a failure to effectively communicate.

To effectively communicate we need to get past the emotions of the situation and deal with the issue. Sometimes that means just walking away for a time, to let emotions cool, and then attempting to address the issue when things are calmer. But it isn't healthy to just walk away without communicating anything- that could be misconstrued as you are walking out on the relationship/ issue/ person... It needs to be clearly stated that, for the good of our rellationship, perhaps we need a couple hours to cool off, or a day, weekend, etc. Everyone cools off differently, but trying to address an emotion-charged issue is almost always a lose-lose proposition...

Anyone can learn to communicate effectively. It is a choice to learn to do so, or else to continue to fail in this critical area. People who choose not to learn to listen, and to share their feelings are usually demonstrating a passive aggression towards their mate and relationship, which will ultimately result in failure... Food for thought...

Relationship Killers #4: Lying...

That lying is wrong is virtually a universally accepted tenent, and yet it is  violated by virtually everyone. Little white lies, lies of ommission, lies about our past, lies to cover actions, lies to try to avoid trouble- no matter what the form a lie is a lie. It is an untruth, and it erodes the very foundation of any relationship. For truth must be part of the foundation for any relationship to be successful. 

So why do we lie? The first lie was told in the Garden of Eden, when Satan first approached Eve and tempted her with the forbidden fruit. "You will be like God", he said, "if you only eat of the fruit. God forbid it because He didn't want you to be like Him". A crafty lie, and a crafty argument. After all, who wouldn't want to be like God? And that first lie destroyed a relationship, between man and God. God later restored it, but it remains in a broken state as long as we live in a broken world...

Ever since that first lie the art of lying has destroyed relationship after relationship, because you can't trust a liar, for you can never be sure they're telling you the truth. And without the inability to trust the relationship is dead, or soon will be. Our world is full of lies. Our courts, our politicians, our advertising, TV, our workplaces- we are bombarded by lies all day long. Is it no wonder people find it easier to lie than to be truthful? Lies cover up; truth reveals.

The beauty of telling the truth, and this is a lesson so few have learned, is that you don't have to remember anything when you're honest. The truth is the truth- there's nothing to remember. And yet when we lie we must remember the lie, for more often than not we end up building on it. Lie upon lie, until one day the house of lies we built comes crashing down when we stumble or get caught in one of our untruths... Lies cover up- truth reveals. To live an open and ahthentic life is one of the greatest and most rewarding challenges we face today. And yet so few are willing to step up and meet that challenge. I will, and I hope you will too.

Food for thought....

Relationship Killers #3: Anger...

Anger is not wrong. Everyone gets angry at something or someone, sooner or later. It is an often misunderstood emotion, for it is not a bad in itself. Unbridaled anger however, uncontroled anger, is a bad thing and can destroy a relationship. When we allow our anger to run unbridled we say things, and do things that can't be undone. Yes, we can forgive anger, but we really don't forget the intentional hurtful things said  or done out of anger. As I've written in the past, once a word is said that's when it begins to live.

 Uncontrolled anger will drive a couple further apart, and will make reconcilliation that much more difficult. If our desire is to be together, to live in a harmonious relationship then uncontroled anger is our enemy. So what's the solution? Anger management. Learn to control your temper and you won't regret your words or actions- even if you're angry. Sometimes it means walking away for a while, to regain control. Sometimes it means choosing not to respond to hurtful things said while emotions are running high. And yet, when one partner can't control their anger, their tongue, they are emotionally abusive, and no one deserves to be abused. The end of the relationship should be near when anger controls a person, for their right to express anger inappropriately ends where your nose begins. Food for thought...

The Human Condition...

I am my own worst critic- this I know, but then, who knows me better? I've been told I'm loving, thoughtful, sensitive, caring, kind, blessed, a blessing- but when I hear these things I know deep in my heart that my core is not good. There's something wrong, something askew, that I cannot fix, and I have tried through the years and utterly failed. My problem is the human condition. My problem is sin.

I'm grateful that others have fought this battle and have shared their struggles, for it gives me reassurance that I don't struggle alone. Paul wrote in Romans that he knew what was right and yet didn't do it. He knew what was wrong and couldn't help doing it. He writes of the battle that raged within him. I can empathize with Paul, and with others who fight this same battle as I, for it is so discouraging to know right but do wrong. It shows how weak I really am, and it scares me, for I am an uncommonly strong man...

Some people handle the human condition by just refusing to acknowledge it within themselves. It doesn't go away, but their response to it callouses them over time, until they just don't feel the tug to do what is right anymore. They live as they want to live, irrespective of the pain or damage they might inflict on others, on ones they love or once loved. Their fellow man is no longer as important as their own selfish wants and desires. And the human condition deepens their lives become more selfish, and self centered. I'm bothered by my inability to overcome sin, and yet I understand that I will never, in this life, be able to in my own power.

I was listening today to Philips, Craig, and Dean and one song they sang said, in effect, "I couldn't reach mercy, so Mercy came running to me." It reminded me yet again, that nothing I do in my own power is enough to overcome my human condition, my sin, but Jesus overcame it once and for all through His sacrifice of love for me. I don't have to overcome sin- it's already defeated. Now I just have to learn to live day by day, moment by moment in the grace and mercy of God and my human condition cannot win. Or, as Paul said, "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me". Paul managed to get it right. I can only pray that I do too. Food for thought...

Relationship Killers #2: Emotional Blackmail...

Another thing that can be deadly to a relationship is Emotional Blackmail. This would include saying things like, "If you really loved me..." or, "Just back me on this if you really care for me..." or, If you really valued our relationship..." or, "What are we gonna tell the kids?" or any other of a myrid of statements that shift the focus from the real issue to your relationship. When one tries to make the relationship more important than the issue at hand that diversion is emotional blackmail.

The reality is, the one who makes such statements is actually threatening you, and you need to protect yourself, at least mentally. And the first step to protecting yourself is to be clear as to what is happening. You need to ask yourself, "If I don't yield to this veiled threat will they really harm our relationship?" Is my love/affection really being challenged, or is it a ploy to manipulate me into a desired action/reaction by my mate? You need to refocus the attention back onto the issue at hand, and take the relationship aspect off the table.

You might want to respond with something like, "My love/affection (etc.) has nothing to do with the issue at hand. The problem is..." Restating the issue can and refusing to yield to blackmail will either make you stronger, or possibly elict a very negative reaction from your mate, even to the point that they sever the relationship. If something that extreme happens because you stand up to their emotional blackmail the odds are strong that that was a very unhealthy relationship to start with and wouldn't have withstood the test of time. People who use this tactic are emotional bullies, and usually prey upon those who are co-dependent, or suffer from low self-esteem. Don't give in to emotional blackmail- it's never worth sacrificing your core values or beliefs just to appease your mate. The truth is, if they really loved you they wouldn't stoop to such tactics... Food for thought...

Relationship Killers #1: Sex...

I think one of the biggest reslationship killers is sex. Personally, I don't see any redeeming social value in it. Sex is a selfish act, performed by selfish people who are afraid of relational depth and commitment, and usually have very little self esteem. Pretty harsh words, but true. Sex is something you can get from a prostitute, or an escort service, and it has one primary function: Meet my carnal needs. Period.

Now, making love, on the other hand, is a beautiful expression of two people uniting as one, with the primary focus to meet the needs and desires of one's mate. It is a culmination of getting to know someone, of exploring and learning about our mate, of desiring to know one deeper, more intimately. It is a result of learning to love someone and it's primary focus is on the other. Love making is selfless... It is far more than merely a physical act of gratification; it is a bonding physically, emotionally, and even spiritually...

So why do so many people seek/choose sex today? Why are there so many one night stands, bar hook ups, etc? I think people are so desperate to connect, to find love, that they jump into bed before they even know the other person. How can you love someone if you don't even know if you like them? And sex has set the tone for any furtherance of a possible relationship. The intial focus is wrong; the possibility of success is not good, for the focus is "meet my needs"...

If the initial focus, when meeting someone, is to get to know them, and as a relationship begins to develop, to put their wants and desires first, as they choose to put yours ahead of theirs, then a giving, nurturting relationship develops. Just the opposite of sex, which says "satisfy me"... A nurturing environment develops and love can grow where nurtured... But love, true love takes time. Time and commitment, and those two things will never be found in a one-night stand. So if you really want to find love then promise yourself that you'll invest the time needed to discover it and allow it to grow. Don't just respond to that physical urge, that lust, that infatuation. Give yourself, and your possible relationship the best odds of making it... Don't just have sex, hold out for making love- you'll never regret it! Food for thought...

An Open Letter- Revisited...

Some four years ago I wrote this column, so I thought I'd rerun it... It was from an open heart...and I find it every bit as relevant today...

We all desire to someone special in our lives, to walk with, to share with... Right now I don't have that companion, that love, but still hope that one day I will be so blessed. Today I was thinking of her, whoever she might be, and wanted to share with her a bit from my heart...


My Darling,

I want you to know how much you mean to me, to my heart, to know that you love and accept me just as I love and accept you. I want you to know how you captivate my thoughts, and hold my love captive until we meet again. You are my sunshine, my source of warmth, and energy, the light that dispells the darkness that lonliness cast before you.


I know we both want to be perfect for each other, but reality says that isn't going to happen. I know I am going to disappoint you, as you will me. The question we must ask ourselves is, "Is this disappointment going to be a stumbling block, or a building block?" I imagine, if your experience has been anything like mine, all too often those disappointments became stumbling blocks that ultimately doomed the relationship. But I'm here today, to tell you that it doesn't have to be. Tell me when I let you down, for that is not my heart's desire, and I will do everything in my power to make amends. And I promise to tell you, when I get hurt, or disappointed, and we can work toward resolution together. If we agree our relationship is good, and right, then our disappointments can become learning experiences, and be building blocks instead of stumbling blocks.


I know I haven't experienced that kind of relationship in my past, for whatever the reason, I haven't found a lady willing to commit to a common bottom line, so walking away was the road they often chose to take. But you are willing to commit to me, as I am to you, and walking is not a relational option. And we gain strength from our commitment, and trust grows, and our love deepens...


Please remember, my Love, that love is regressive, for as we grow in our relationship we become more trusting, more vulnerable, and we let down our guard to each other, revealing our flaws and faults that we initially tried to hide. We are not perfect anymore, but better yet, we are accepted, and loved despite our deficiencies, for our goal remains steadfast: We desire to be together, to love one another... Thank-you for sharing that goal, and thank-you for your understanding and acceptance.

Know that I love you, and am here for you, and will be in the future. I look forward to walking through life, hand-in-hand with you, making memories on life's journey that will warm our hearts and minds in the years ahead. My happiness is not found in doing any one thing, rather, it is found in doing anything with you. My desire is to fulfill you, to bring you happiness, and contentment for the rest of our lives together, til death do us part... I love you, whoever, and where ever you are.

~Bud

Saul vs Paul- What really happened?

Tonight I want to get a little bit "teachy", if you will, for I want to set the record straight. One of my favorite characters in the Bible is the Apostle Paul. I won't go into all my reasons for liking him now, but I do want to look at how it all started with him. First, the fallacy. I've heard many preachers tell the story of Saul, who presecuted the early Church, and one day, while on the road to Damascus, was met with a blinding light and Jesus himself confronted Saul, asking why Saul was persecuting him... Saul was blinded, led into the city, and for three days fasted until a Christ-follower named Ananias came and restored his sight. The preaching goes, that this was so life changing an event for Saul that he changed his name to Paul and became one of the greatest Apostles ever.

Wrong. The story is correct, until you get to the name-change part. That's not history, nor is it factual or Scriptural. Yes, it was a life-changing event, and yes Saul did ultimately be called Paul. But here's the scoop...

We need to go back to the beginning, to the Roman conquest of Israel. You see, when Rome would conquer a country, or a people, they would take many of those people and disperse them throughout the Roman Empire. The thinking was that, if dispersed, it would be more difficult for people to re-band together to rise up against Rome. So many Israelites were dispersed. Paul's parents were "Jews of the Diaspora", or "Jews of the Dispersion" if you will, and were dispersed to the city of Tarsus, in the Empire, where Paul was born. The Roman custom of the day was that a child have two names, (ie. Julius Cesear, Cesear Augustus, Mark Anthony),much as we do today. Because they lived in the Empire Paul's parents gave him two names; Saul Paulus, or Saul Paul. In Israel the custom was to just give a first name, and designate who you were by your parents (ie. John, son of Zebedee). When Paul came to Israel to persecute the Church he adopted the practice of using his first name, Saul, as was the custom. Later, When he left Israel and headed back out into the Empire he resumed using his surname, Paul, as was the custom...

If you read Acts you will see that after his confrontation on the road he was still called Saul. Indeed, he stayed in the city "many days" teaching and preaching as "Saul", and then spent a year teaching with Barnabas, again called Saul. It wasn't until chosen to go out into the Empitre with Barnabas, probably some two years after his conversion, that we see the name shift. On the Island of Crete, the first stop on Paul's first missonary journey, they landed as "Barnabas and Saul" and left "Paul and his companions". So that's the story. Perhaps not as exciting as preachers have made it out to be, but it's accurate, and it's the truth. Check it out for yourself- the story is much more facinating than my dry history lesson... Food for thought...

Be Still, my Heart...

Dusk. The last vestige of sunlight slowly ebbing away. A cool, almost brisk breeze stirs through the playfully dancing flames of the firepot. Water tinkling softly from the fountains beside the deck. A humming bird flits through for a late evening snack. Beyond the tinkling water the aspens rustle in the tinest of breezes, a constant soothing whisper... The trees turning from dark green to black, casting a canopy of privacy...

Slowly the tension of the day slips away, and the dancing flames mesmerize my brain, my soul, until thought is no longer even necessary. Just being, being in the moment, soaking in the serenity, the tranquility... No thoughts, no words, just peace. A perfect time to "be still, and know I am God". Still, not just of body, but of mind, and emotion. Be still my heart and worship...

I am not worthy Father, of all the blessings you've lavished upon me. I've squandered much that I know now was precious. But I'm grateful that you.ve given me a heart to learn, and an active mind. Thank you for protecting me even as I failed you,thank you for teaching me to grow up, and not just grow old. Perhaps one day, Father, I will learn to be less relationally challenged, and you will bless me again, with a mate who will love me, even though I'm so flawed... One day- it's a good prayer...

Love is sloppy...

Love is sloppy. True love is a mess. If you're looking for that nice, neat relationship then don't expect much depth, much substance, because you can't have substance without the mess. Why? Because love demands vulnerability, and vulnerability means allowing someone else to see the sloppy side of ourselves. When we open up, when we let someone in behind our defenses, we commit ourselves to letting someone see what a mess we really are. We trust that love will allow acceptance, and acceptance will allow love to grow deeper. We want someone who knows the worst side of us, and loves us anyway...

Do you ever wonder why we often tend to treat strangers nicer than those we love? It's easy to do little acts of kindness for a stranger, for we have little or nothing  invested emotionally. But when we invest emotionally in a relationship, when we let another see us at our best and worst, we lose that desire, that need to impress that was present at the conception of the relationship. In love we are free to be ourselves, warts and all. And sometimes that's not a very nice person- the one very we hide behind our walls and don't show the world. So our "nice" person does nice things, usually to strangers who don't know us, the real us, and we feel good about ourselves. Our real self feels comfortable with those who love us so it's easier to lash out, to let our bad side show...

While it's a wonderful thing to be comfortable in our relationships, it's even more important to remember hoe important the one who chooses to love us is. Be grateful that you're accepted and loved, and make the effort to show it. Treat the one(s) you love to little acts of kindness, on a regular basis, and you will be amazed at the returns... Food for thought...

Do-Overs...

I've had several correspondences lately with a friend, and the subject of "do overs" was discussed- originally I thought I would do somethings differently if the chance were presented, and relationally, I still would probably try to correct errors I made, but after much thought I don't think I would change any of the "major" events in my life, for the ripple effects may cause more harm than good, the "butterfly effect" if you will, might rob me of those things I hold most precious today. If, for example, I lost my kids then nothing in my past is worth changing...

After deeper introspection I cam to the realization that I will gladly play out the hand dealt to me here on this earth, including all the errors, mistakes, and blunders I have made, for in the grander scheme of things I realize that my life is a mere breath. In the larger picture my life leaves no more impression than the hole I leave when I pull my finger out of a bucket of water... For what is three score and ten, or four score years that we are given in the face of Eternity? After I endure my errors of this life I will be given that life that I've been promised... I believe in Eternal Life, for everyone actually. Only some will have theirs in Heaven, and those who choose to reject Him here, in this briefest of lives, will have theirs in Hell... Food for thought...

Grandma's advice...

One of my guys is going through a tough time right now, relationally speaking, and I'm just amazed again at all the game-playing, the anger, the venom that is spewed by people who are supposed to love each other, who live together, who supposedly care for each other... Doesn't anyone ever stop to consider that once things are said that they can't be taken back? They' re out there, and they have consequences. My grandmother used to say a little ditty that went like this:

"A word when said is dead, some say.
I say, it just begins to live that day."

Now to his credit, my friend has tried to remain calm, and has sought forgiveness for his wrong in this mess, but it takes two to reconcile, and only one to break up... During work yesterday he must have received four or five text messages, full of vile and venom, and anger. To his credit he did not respond via text, on my advice actually, but that only seemed to make her angrier. (my advice was to try and talk face to face, or second best, talk on the phone). Texting, so popular today, is by far the worst way to communicate, for communication is less than 10% the words we use- the rest is tone and body language. So using only text we're limited to less than 10% of our ability to effectively communicate. And yet it has become the method of choice in our "fast food" society. It's no wonder relationships encounter serious communication problems in today's society.

Next time you encounter a "bump" in your relational road please, resist the temptation to shoot off a text, or even an e-mail. Take that extra moment to actually call, and talk to the offender/offended. Your chance not of being misinterpreted, of not being misunderstood just got better- you'll from over 90% chance of error down to about 70%. Better yet, do a face to face, and remove almost all chance of communication misinterpretation.
And as I've blogged in the past, reiterate your bottom line- if you both want to be together, if you both love each other, then even if you're fighting you are on the same side. Do whatever you have to do to restore that relationship. You'll be surprised at how fast your mate will recognize this behavior and begin to move toward reconcilliation too.  Food for thought...

Facial Mathematics...

I'd like to add another mathematical concept to all the new math out there that kids have to learn today. I call the concept "Facial Mathematics". The idea is to help the next generation learn the concept of the ratio betwenn the eyes, ears, and mouth, for I fear most of my generation has failed to learn it...

God gave us two eyes, two ears, and one mouth, clearly a two-to-one ratio of eyes to mouth and ears to mouth. I propose that perhaps the message we need to learn is we should listen twice as much, and look twice as hard, before speaking... If we see and hear more effectively we will naturally increase our understanding and reduce the number of times we speak errantly, or, open our mouth only to insert our foot.

And yet, what of the nose in out facial math theory? One nose, but two nostrils. Is the nose like a facial Switzerland, placed in the middle of the face to keep the peace? I think not.The nose is crafty, for it is the purveyor of smells, sending the sweet aroma of baked goods, the fragrance of roasted meat, the many myrids of smells we experience when cooking, shopping, or eating to the brain, which in turn sends the message to the body- "Stuff some of that good stuff in my mouth!" When we fail to look or listen before speaking the nose uses it's ability to shut the mouth up.

So what is the lesson of facial math? Before speaking- think! Listen, look, and then speak. Let our words be measured, for so much damage is done by the carelessly spoken word! Food for thought...

Uniquely Unequal Love...

I read somewhere, that we do not love others equally, and as a father my first thought was of my children, and how I love them all the same. Yet deeper introspection made me realize that I do not love all my children the same; I can honestly say that I love each with all my heart- in that they are equal, but that's where it ends. I came to realize that each child has impacted me differently, and with each one I have a unique relationship, and that causes me to love them uniquely different from each other. I don't love one neccessarily "better" than another, just differently.

After I was able to come to terms with this epiphany I began to do a little reminicing about past relationships, both within my family and those of a romantic nature. I came to realize that not only do I love those I care or have cared about differently, that love has also changed through the course of the relationship and time... I also came to realize, especially in those of a romantic nature, that sometimes the ability to love was held captive by the past. I found that, especially in one instance, my partner was convinced that she's met "the love of her life", the relationship failed and there would never be another. She'd had a long term relationship after her marraige that also failed, and she wasn't going to put herself out there again and be hurt again.

I realize now that her desire was to experience that "first love" sensation that she once had, and you just can't duplicate love or the experience of love. That's why her second relationship failed. And the ensuing pain didn't allow her to try again- and our relationship failed. Each love relationship is unique, and to try to get it to conform to past ideals dooms it to failure. Let it live, let it grow, experience the new and unique relationship- it's unique to you and your mate, and no one else. It is yours, to share together.

One lady I was with asked me about my past and was surprised to hear me say that I still love my ex-wife. And I still do, and always will. And I love each woman God has brought into my life still, to this day, even though I have been terribly hurt by some- been lied to, decieved, robbed, rejected- it doesn't matter about the bad stuff in the end. Those are just the things that assure me we weren't made to be together forever. But each one loved me uniquely, for a time, as I did them, and those memories allow me to remember why I loved them, and allow me to continue to love them for who they were to me... Memories are subjective, and we can choose to hang on to the good ones, and remember why we loved. And that makes each and every relationship worthy, no matter how it ended. Perhaps one day I will meet my "forever lady", and when I do I will love her completely and uniquely, because those who were before helped teach me to love. Food for thought...

Good vs Evil...

One of the longer definitions I've ever read in Webster's is for the little word "good". Summarily speaking, Webster's defines "good" as better than average, fertile, fresh, unspoiled, uncontaminated, valid, genuine, healthy, strong, vigorous, safe and sound, honorable, worthy, respectable, enjoyable, plesant, happy, dependable, reliable, right, thourough, complete, adequate, ample, sufficient, satisfying, morally sound, excellent, virtuous, honest, just, pious, devout, kind, benevolent, generous, well-behaved, proper, becoming, correct, loyal, valid, morally right, something desireable or desired... And even more, but you get the idea. The concept of good is culturally difficult to define, because the concept of good is so subjective to each and every one of us.

Likewise, the concept of evil can be subjective. Webster says evil means morally bad or wrong, depraved, wicked, resulting from conduct regarded as immoral, offensive or disgusting, anything that causes harm, pain misery, disaster, etc. Again, a definition that can mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people.

The problem we find is that sometimes things we deem good turn out to be evil, and things we initially label evil can be revealed as good. It is because of the personal and cultural subjectivity of the concepts- as a society because we do not have a concrete definition of good and evil that definition can change over time, circumstance, and shifting of cultural tenets and mores. Personally, because we often label things before fully comprehending or understanding them. Then, with enlightenment, our views, our labels change. In essence, we set ourselves up to be judge over what is good and what is evil, and we are not qualified to judge. It is our desire for power, freedom, and control that often influences our perception of what is good and what is not...

I believe there is a simple, concrete definition for good and evil, one which I am learning (even at my advanced age I find occassionally I can still learn. Take that old dogs!) to embrace. Good is that which is from God, that which is of God, and evil an absence of God, or that which shuns God. Short, concise, concrete. (But we really don't like concrete- it's too binding to our "freedom"). Everything can be judged by this definition- only we don't have to be judge- that's God's job. Food for thought...

Relationships...

I wrote, a few blogs ago, about how many things are circular, but I did not include perhaps the most important of all things actually designed to be circular in nature, but we convolute and distort it so badly that rarely do we see it as it was designed to be... And that thing is relationships.

Our society is set up in hierarchies, with chains of command, rules to protect them and live by, power struggles to administer the hierarachal laws... We rarely see relationships outside the context of the hierarchy structure. Often there are control issues, power struggles, breakdowns in communication- why? Because we were designed for a different type of relationship, a circular relationship. So how does it work?

Now, without getting all Bible-thumping on you, I want to look at how He who is Love teaches us about how to act in relationship. In John, chapter 15, Jesus says, "Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no man than this; that he lay down his life for his friends". Paul, in his letter to the Ephesians expounds on this when he says, "Submit yourselves to one another out of reverence for Christ". So what exactly are they saying? The premise is simple: In relationship you consiously put your partner first. The object in relationship is for each partner to make the other the priority of the relationship. The word for "submit" that Paul uses literally means "to get under and lift up". I put you first; your needs, wants, and desires become my priority. You put me first; my needs, wants, and desires become your priority. What a beautiful concept, and such a relationship cannot help but build love, desire, and devotion. Vulnerability and trust grow out of the security we have that another holds our heart, and our heart is safe.

So why is this so difficult to see, to model? Because it takes a "servant" mentality, and that is not something we practice naturally. There's no power struggle, no drive to be on top or in control- indeed the opposite is true. But that's the secret to the most incredible relationship two people can ever experience. When we see two people totally committed to each other something in our hearts respond to that and we want that...

So this is the secret to how to live in relationship, brought to you by your relastionally challenged host. I challenge you- give it a try and see how incredible it can be. Food for thought...