Uniquely Unequal Love...

I read somewhere, that we do not love others equally, and as a father my first thought was of my children, and how I love them all the same. Yet deeper introspection made me realize that I do not love all my children the same; I can honestly say that I love each with all my heart- in that they are equal, but that's where it ends. I came to realize that each child has impacted me differently, and with each one I have a unique relationship, and that causes me to love them uniquely different from each other. I don't love one neccessarily "better" than another, just differently.

After I was able to come to terms with this epiphany I began to do a little reminicing about past relationships, both within my family and those of a romantic nature. I came to realize that not only do I love those I care or have cared about differently, that love has also changed through the course of the relationship and time... I also came to realize, especially in those of a romantic nature, that sometimes the ability to love was held captive by the past. I found that, especially in one instance, my partner was convinced that she's met "the love of her life", the relationship failed and there would never be another. She'd had a long term relationship after her marraige that also failed, and she wasn't going to put herself out there again and be hurt again.

I realize now that her desire was to experience that "first love" sensation that she once had, and you just can't duplicate love or the experience of love. That's why her second relationship failed. And the ensuing pain didn't allow her to try again- and our relationship failed. Each love relationship is unique, and to try to get it to conform to past ideals dooms it to failure. Let it live, let it grow, experience the new and unique relationship- it's unique to you and your mate, and no one else. It is yours, to share together.

One lady I was with asked me about my past and was surprised to hear me say that I still love my ex-wife. And I still do, and always will. And I love each woman God has brought into my life still, to this day, even though I have been terribly hurt by some- been lied to, decieved, robbed, rejected- it doesn't matter about the bad stuff in the end. Those are just the things that assure me we weren't made to be together forever. But each one loved me uniquely, for a time, as I did them, and those memories allow me to remember why I loved them, and allow me to continue to love them for who they were to me... Memories are subjective, and we can choose to hang on to the good ones, and remember why we loved. And that makes each and every relationship worthy, no matter how it ended. Perhaps one day I will meet my "forever lady", and when I do I will love her completely and uniquely, because those who were before helped teach me to love. Food for thought...

Good vs Evil...

One of the longer definitions I've ever read in Webster's is for the little word "good". Summarily speaking, Webster's defines "good" as better than average, fertile, fresh, unspoiled, uncontaminated, valid, genuine, healthy, strong, vigorous, safe and sound, honorable, worthy, respectable, enjoyable, plesant, happy, dependable, reliable, right, thourough, complete, adequate, ample, sufficient, satisfying, morally sound, excellent, virtuous, honest, just, pious, devout, kind, benevolent, generous, well-behaved, proper, becoming, correct, loyal, valid, morally right, something desireable or desired... And even more, but you get the idea. The concept of good is culturally difficult to define, because the concept of good is so subjective to each and every one of us.

Likewise, the concept of evil can be subjective. Webster says evil means morally bad or wrong, depraved, wicked, resulting from conduct regarded as immoral, offensive or disgusting, anything that causes harm, pain misery, disaster, etc. Again, a definition that can mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people.

The problem we find is that sometimes things we deem good turn out to be evil, and things we initially label evil can be revealed as good. It is because of the personal and cultural subjectivity of the concepts- as a society because we do not have a concrete definition of good and evil that definition can change over time, circumstance, and shifting of cultural tenets and mores. Personally, because we often label things before fully comprehending or understanding them. Then, with enlightenment, our views, our labels change. In essence, we set ourselves up to be judge over what is good and what is evil, and we are not qualified to judge. It is our desire for power, freedom, and control that often influences our perception of what is good and what is not...

I believe there is a simple, concrete definition for good and evil, one which I am learning (even at my advanced age I find occassionally I can still learn. Take that old dogs!) to embrace. Good is that which is from God, that which is of God, and evil an absence of God, or that which shuns God. Short, concise, concrete. (But we really don't like concrete- it's too binding to our "freedom"). Everything can be judged by this definition- only we don't have to be judge- that's God's job. Food for thought...

Relationships...

I wrote, a few blogs ago, about how many things are circular, but I did not include perhaps the most important of all things actually designed to be circular in nature, but we convolute and distort it so badly that rarely do we see it as it was designed to be... And that thing is relationships.

Our society is set up in hierarchies, with chains of command, rules to protect them and live by, power struggles to administer the hierarachal laws... We rarely see relationships outside the context of the hierarchy structure. Often there are control issues, power struggles, breakdowns in communication- why? Because we were designed for a different type of relationship, a circular relationship. So how does it work?

Now, without getting all Bible-thumping on you, I want to look at how He who is Love teaches us about how to act in relationship. In John, chapter 15, Jesus says, "Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no man than this; that he lay down his life for his friends". Paul, in his letter to the Ephesians expounds on this when he says, "Submit yourselves to one another out of reverence for Christ". So what exactly are they saying? The premise is simple: In relationship you consiously put your partner first. The object in relationship is for each partner to make the other the priority of the relationship. The word for "submit" that Paul uses literally means "to get under and lift up". I put you first; your needs, wants, and desires become my priority. You put me first; my needs, wants, and desires become your priority. What a beautiful concept, and such a relationship cannot help but build love, desire, and devotion. Vulnerability and trust grow out of the security we have that another holds our heart, and our heart is safe.

So why is this so difficult to see, to model? Because it takes a "servant" mentality, and that is not something we practice naturally. There's no power struggle, no drive to be on top or in control- indeed the opposite is true. But that's the secret to the most incredible relationship two people can ever experience. When we see two people totally committed to each other something in our hearts respond to that and we want that...

So this is the secret to how to live in relationship, brought to you by your relastionally challenged host. I challenge you- give it a try and see how incredible it can be. Food for thought...

Failed Relationships...

I was corresponding with a relatively new friend this morning when some thoughts I shared seemed good enough to share and expand upon via blog... My comment was that much of the pain we experience in life is caused by relationships, and yet most of our healing is found in them too...

The problem with a failed relationship is that in many ways it's like experiencing a death; we need time to grieve and we need time to heal. The old adage, "Time heals all wounds" is from this very concept. (however, when we don't learn to effectively release our anger we tend to confuse the adage with our desire and our wish becomes, "Time wounds all heels"). But back to the thought at hand- emotionally, we must allow time to do its work. The problem is, unlike in death, our "ex" still exists and often resurfaces in our lives, stirring up old hurts and emotions and the healing process is stymied for a time. Rarely, especially if we are the "wronged party" in the relationship, is there the finality that death offers.

And yet, we need to teach ourselves to treat that severed relationship in a like manner as death; we need to remember the good, move past the bad, and stop "digging up" the hurts time and again in our minds. We need to bury the pain we feel because we were wronged, for to hold onto that pain gives it power over us and robs us of the ability and opportunity to move on in our lives. We stand the risk of becoming walled off emotionally, afraid to allow another in for fear that we hurt again. In essence we become an emotional cripple, and rob ourselves the of the ability to love fully and completely again.
It  is imperative that we deal with our hurts in a healthy manner, or unpack our baggage if you will, so we don't carry it into our next relationship and allow it to interfere with our ability to be be vulnerable again, to love again and be loved...

 Too often we tend to want to jump into a new relationship before we've properly healed from the hurts of the last. The thinking is that a new relationship can fix what the old one was lacking, but it won't, for the old one isn't properly "buried" yet. If there's still baggage from the old relationship it is difficult for the new one to measure up for it is viewed through the critical eye of what went wrong before, and that one didn't make it. Time needs time to heal. Recognize time as our friend, not our adversary. Food for thought...

The Perfect Sleep Tonic...

It is late- or rather early in the wee hours of morning, and I am finally getting tired enough to sleep. I"ve been having trouble some nights falling asleep, especially since Winston passed on, but tonight seems especially difficult. And yet I feel blessed too, for the past several hours I've enjoyed a fantastic thunderstorm, with savage lightning and rolling thunder accompanying the steady rain... There's something majestic, regal, about a thunderstorm- raw and powerful, aqnd often captivating.
Now, with the storm finally moving on it's time for Kenny G, a little smooth jazz, and the sounds of the rain and receeding thunder- a perfect tonic for me to fall asleep to. Good night all- I'll write more another day- today's been a long day.

The Empty Nest...

The Empty Nest Syndrome has ambushed relationships for a number of years now, mostly since family have gotten away from the extended family and to the more nuclear family structure. In a nutshell, a couple marries, has kids, the kids grow up and one day move out on their own and the couple finds that they no longer know their spouse, that the glue holding the family together was the kids, and now they're gone. This group makes up the second highest rate of divorce, second only to couples who have been married two years or less (the honeymoon is over group). But the "Empty Nest" syndrome doesn't just affect couples, indeed, any home that has their child or children move out is vulnerable to strong emotional reactions. Some are happy to see the kids go, ready to start a new chapter in life, others are greatly distraught and in extreme cases a person can even go through a period of grieving and adjustment at their loss.

I found myself deep in self-reflection tonight, for my daughter and niece came to visit, and after they left I ran across an old photo album while searching for something else. My daughter just got married in early June, the last of my three kids to leave the nest, then I lost my best friend, my Yorkie, Winston in late June. As I sat there and looked at the pictures of my children- from babies to young adulthood- I realized I have spent the better part of my life- some 30 years now- pouring into my children. I was a good dad when married, I had primary physical custody when divorced, and my focus was on raising my kids. I didn't spend a lot of time dating, or in relationships for myself; my primary functions were working and raising my kids. I'm proud of my kids, and their acomplishments, and their mates, and feel like it is a job well done.
But they're all gone now. I'm alone, yet being alone isn't the problem. Feeling lonely isn't the problem. I'm not one to get all meloncholy, or to be a Gloomy Gus, but I have to admit tonight I shed some tears, for I realized what this Empty Nest thing has done to me. I have spent 30 years pouring my love and devotion into my kids- day in and day out, as they lived at home, until they all left, one by one. Now there's no one for me to pour into daily, there's no one to receive the love, to be cherished, to be mine.

My children are gone. I can and still do love them, but it's love from afar now, it's different than having them right there on a daily basis to receive love and return it. Now there is no one, and that's scary, for I feel I have much love to give yet, much loyalty and devotion, but there is no one to receive and return... I feel like I'm wasting a precious gift, the gift of love, for I am alone now... I am truly an Empty Nester... Where does one find someone seeking to love and be loved? Let the search begin...

On-line Dating: A Critique...

My foray into on-line dating has come to an end and I must say I'm glad it's over. But the experience wasn't a total loss, for I believe I better understand my fellow human beings now. To be fair, this wasn't my first venture into these waters; I first tried on-line dating 10 years ago. But back then it was an entirely different experience than today. (Back then I did meet someone that I dated off and on for about four years).  That experience was on "Match.com" and things seemed a whole lot tighter- people were more cautious, more security conscious then.
Some three years ago someone encouraged me to try eHarmony.com because they were so much more thourough in their matching criteria. The odds of meeting my soulmate were supposed to be greatly enhanced. So I gave it a try. I wanted to meet a good Christian woman who lived relatively close, who shared common interests. Seemed like it took forever but finally they sent me a "match". A beautiful blonde-haired nurse who lived a couple minutes away, who seemed to share similar likes and philosophies. We enjoyed a great year together- until I caught her stealing money from me... And lied about it. (Alas beautiful One, the nanny cam doesn't lie). Thanks eHarmony, but my fault for not stressing honesty as a pre-requisite... I guess I expected that to be a given.

One last fling on Match, signed up three months ago for 90 days, and I'm done with on-line dating. I found in three months, after several thousand viewings of my profile and numerous inquiries of interest, I found only three or four women that interested me. One met for coffee and talked about the men she met (not what I was interested!), one looked about 10 years older than her pictures, and one was a nice lady but just not a good connection... But one thing seemed to be common among those I met and/or corresponded with: Everyone is interested in finding a long-term relationship now. There seems to be urgency to establish something right away, but how do you love someone before you even know if you like them? That just isn't my thing. I need to take time to get to know someone, and it takes time before I let someone in to get to know the real me... I keep people at bay as I stay behind a facade of sharp wit and humor, not allowing them to experience my more sensitive side- the real "who" that I am until I feel a degree of safety with them... that just doesn't happen overnight.
So, after wading through the lies, the married, the aggressive, and all the rest, I decided after a couple of months to hide my profile and just let my time run out. There's got to be a better way to meet a nice lady, to get to know someone special. I guess I tried it my way, now I'll just wait for God to bring that special person in my life... (Not to hurry you Father, but I've been looking for over a year now. I don't want to forget all dating ettiquette!).

The Receipe for Good Deeds...

There is something inherently satisfying about doing a good deed for another, without any thought or desire to be repaid... There's a satisfaction that comes from giving- from the heart- that is all the reward you need. Yet in today's world we tend to rush through our days, intent on our own jobs, hobbies, and pursuits- living our lives at such a hectic pace that doing for another just doesn't occur to us as practical or even possible. All too often we work so hard today with our focus on tomorrow that we miss out on life. Life is that thing that is happening while we're rehashing yesterday and worrying about tomorrow...
Learning to slow down and appreciate the day allows one to see what is happening around them. We often look, but it's a rare few who actually see. When we do see others, and step out of our comfort zone and help someone out, the satisfaction extends far beyond the "thank-you". We begin to develop a reputation as a good neighbor, a good friend, a nice person- but even more, someone who can be relied upon... And we feel good about ourselves, and we build self-esteem, and we build the desire to do more. It's called learning to live in community, learning to be self-less, instesd of selfish... It's a good thing. Trust me. Food for thought...

Three Wishes- The great "What if"...

I was thinking today, what if I found an Aladin's Lamp and a genie were to grant me three wishes? Would I ask for wealth, or fame, or long life?  Are there parameters, or consequences attached to a Genie's lamp?

I think, if I were granted three wishes, any three wishes, my first would be to to have someone to love and be loved unconditionally, as Jesus loved and taught us to love. This would be the greatest wish, for it would greatly enhance my understanding of God, for we are taught that God is love.

My second wish would be for peace, for all my life I've lived in a world of wars and warfare, of terrorists and fear. Peace would be a welcome relief and a comfort. All in all, a great second wish.

My third wish, of course, would be for three more wishes...

From broken to broken...

I was out of town, visiting a friend yesterday, spending the afternoon picnicing in the park, then into the early evening, just conversing on a myrid of subjects... It was a good day, and a very nice day, but most importantly it was a reminder to me how important social interaction is... At one point our conversation turned to how I was "relationally challenged", (my viewpoint) and the ensuing discussion, as well as the pleasantness of the interaction gave me pause to reconsider my current socially hermetic existence...
It's funny, but I've studied human relations, I've counseled and written on relationships, I seem to know intellectually what is healthy and what is not, but my past seems to indicate I am a poor student of my own learning... Relationally, I tend to gravitate to "broken" women (or so I've been told), probably with a subconscious desire to repair the brokeness... What I have failed to realize, at least until this past year or so, is that some women (and men) are broken because of their own wants or choices, and repair is not an option until they want to be repaired. I cannot be the "White Knight" unless a white knight is desired or called for...
What I have learned is that someone in a "broken" state, who doesn't necessarily want to be fixed, tends to be a relational user, and even an abuser... My daughter enlightened me recently about how "used" I was in my last several relationships, even calling me a "doormat" in one... My response was that if I want to give, if I choose to be generous, then am I really being used, or is it my choice? But I am wrong, for choice or not, I am being used, and I am actually enabling the user in their destructive behavior. In essence, in my generousity I am actually encouraging relationally destructive behavior...
Now, in reality, if we've lived at all, we can all claim to be broken in some way or another. Personally, I know how flawed I am, and being aware of my faults keeps me humble and helps me deal constructively with them. I certainly can make no claims to knowing all, but I have learned that acknowledging my faults, my weaknesses, doesn't make me weaker, or less of a person. Rather the opposite is true- living in the reality of my weakness allows me to operate from a position of strength. Acknowledging my faults doesn't destroy my self-esteem, it allows me the ability to grow and learn from my weakness, making me inherently stronger in the long run...
Pehaps a socially hermetic existence is ultimately not the best road for me, but for now, at least I'm only guilty of screwing myself up! Food for thought...

Babblings of a grieving man...

It has now been a full week since I lost my pal and I know life goes on, but how incredibly different my house is now that he's gone. I still find myself reaching to pet him, looking before I get up so I don't inadvertantly step on him, waking up numerous times a night searching for him... I've had numerous people express their condolences, and I am grateful, and many who knew Winston have encouraged me to get another "pal", but to all I say no. Winston is irreplacebale. Period. I have never seen a more intellegent, understanding, and completely loving dog in my life like Winston was. There was an occassional dog he might have growled or snapped at when his personal space was violated, but never one time did he growl or snap at a human. He loved all unconditionally. But he loved me most...

I've hated to go to bed at night, because of the difficulty sleeping, but this past Saturday night I entertained two of my nephews (ages 10 & 12 I think). We decided to have a "Lord of the Rings" party and watch the entire trilogy non-stop. (I forgot how long those movies were!) We started about 6 pm Saturday night and finished at 3:30 am Sunday morning. Whew! But what a great time we had, and even more so it was a bit of a break for their parents... Sometimes we all need a break, be it ever so brief, to recharge our batteries... I really appreciated their company and I know they love coming.

so thanks to Graham and Peyton for taking care of your old uncle at a time of vulnerablity in his life. I own you guys another all-nighter!