The Pain of Morphing...

There's Something about getting old that doesn't agree with me. For some odd reason I don't rebound like I used to, physically that is, and it is really irritating to me. In the old days, the days of my youth, I could sprain, break, twist, or otherwise  hurt myself and be healed up and playing ball again well before the Doctor said... Sure, I was accussed of coming back too soon, and maybe on more than one occassion, and I was warned that I very well may pay the price later, but I was always determined to be a quick healer... Once a doctor even told me if I was walking at age 35 it would be due to miracles of medicine. Well Doc, guess what? I've passed 50 several years ago and not only am I walking, but still playing ball- and well! At least until this spring.

Now I'm recovering from a double broken ankle, and it is so frustrating. I was told to expect to be 6-8 weeks in a cast (it took seven), and another 3-4 rehabbing in physical therapy. Okay, enough's enough. It's been a month and I still hurt, still swollen, still difficult to walk. Where's the quick heal? Did age finally catch up? Monday the Doctor released me and said I'm on my own now, but there will be pain and swelling "for a long time"... What's up with that? I can't believe it's taking me the "average" time to heal... Well, to all you family and friends who have patiently waited for Father Time to catch up to me, to tell me "ha ha" or "I told you so" your time has come. I am human. I am sadly, weakly unable to heal like I used to. I guess I'm going to have to "be more careful, 'cause I'm not a young man anymore". Boy it hurts to sat that!

Causes of Failed Relationships...

Why do relationships fail? We question ourselves, and even assess blame (often to ourselves) for relalationships that fail. We wonder what went wrong, how could we have avoided failure, what could we have done differently. We beat ourselves up and vow not to make the same mistakes again. Unfortunately, there's one undeniable fact that seems to prove itself over and over: We do not learn from our mistakes, and history is destined to repeat itself. So the next time, despite our best efforts, we fail again. Why?
Relationships can fail for a variety of reasons; infidelity, apathy, abuse, destruction of trust, alienation of affections, anger issues, and the list goes on. But are these reasons, or symptoms, symptoms that manifest themselves because the relationship is built on faulty foundations? I believe that there is a base reason that relationships fail, and that is selfishness. We enter relationships with the (sometimes subconsciously) hope of meeting our own needs and desires. The relationship grows or falters as our needs are met or denied. When one or both in a relationship consistently puts themselves first the relationship is destined for trouble, and likely failure.
So how do we find success in relationships? First, we have to commit to our mate, 100%, to their happiness, their success. Paul wrote that wives should "submit" to their husbands- but that's actually a loose translation. What he said was the wife should get behind and lift up her husband in all he does. And the husband's command? Love your wife as Christ loved His bride, the Church. The husband is to sacrifice everything, even to the extent of his own life, for the sake and well-being of his wife. Who commits like that today? Who loves with complete self-sacrifice? And yet, what an awesome relationship that would make! Two people committed to the happiness of the other.

The key is, especially when the relationship hits a bump in the road, is to remember this: You and your spouse/mate are on the same side, even in an argument. It is important to remember, especially in the passion of the moment, that your desire is to be one in spirit with your mate, and you should have the mindset of "what do I have to do to restore our relationship?". If you think like this then there is nothing to big or difficult to do if it leads to restoration, because your focus is on your mate. If they share a like mindset then they will do whatever necessary to restore the relationship to you. And yet, in the passion of the moment we tend to put ourselves first, and attack, or get defensive, to validate our position. And the problem grows. We need to remember our bottom line, and that is our desire is to have a happy and harmonious relationship with our mate. If that is our desire then no action is too great to do to acheive our bottom line. Food for thought...

The Pursuit of Love...

I am well past the prime of my life now, and the art of retrospect is becoming more and more appealing. As I look back in my life, at the relationships I've had, I'm overcome with a sense of meloncholoy. For years I have I have sought to love and be loved; not that superficial flush of emotion, that "instant attraction" which is mostly lust based on physical attraction, but true love. Now I know that chemestry is important, for it is often what holds a relationship together while true love has the opportunity to grow, for true love takes time...

But what is true love? I don't think many of my generation or younger really understand what love is, and that is sad, for love is the greatest of all experience. Perhaps I will offend some here, yet that is not my intent, for I can speak only from personal experience and observation... What is love? I Corinthians 13 lists some of it's attributes; it is patient, it is kind, it is not rude, or easily angered, nor does it keep record of wrongs. It always trusts, and protects, and perserveres. What is love? It is the selfless giving of one's heart and soul, the continued effort to lift up and support, no matter how tough the times, being a safe haven for your mate no matter how rough life's storms... Love is total selfless giving. total acceptance of our mate, for who and what they are...

We live in a disposable society, and it even permeates our relationships. First, it became easy and accepted to divorce, "no-fault" divorces were the rage- no blame, just walk away- until over half of all first marriages ended in divorce and over two-thirds of all second marriages... Then we reasoned, why marry if we'll just end up in divorce? Let's just live together. Another step down the road that destroys true love, for it's even easier to walk away for there's even less restraint or reason to stay together. And love slowly dies...

I have been married twice. My first marriage lasted about 13 years, then my wife found affection with a man in my church. It wass her desire to walk away, to be with him, to feel that "attraction", the scream of the hormones, and so she sought a divorce. It didn't matter what it did to me or our three small children, what was important was her desire "to experience love". Of course that relationship didn't work, for the most basic ingredient in a successful relationship is the ability to trust, and if you'll cheat on your spouse once you'll do it again, or if you'll cheat with a married person you lack the basic morals that are needed to be trustworthy... And obviously my wife didn't truly love me, for in the end it was all about her and her desires. Love is not selfish.

My second marriage was several years after my divorce, and in retrospect I was on the the rebound. It was the first relationship since my divorce and I was smitten. Despite warnings from family and friends I remarried after an 18 month courtship. It turned out my second wife was just looking for someone to support her while she finshed school, for when all done she informed me she wasn't interested in being married anymore. For several years I tried while she ran around and lived a life totally oblivious to me or our marriage. Finally I told her that, though I didn't believe in divorce, if she wasn't willing to try I'd seek one. Six days later I came home to an empty house- she'd moved out and stole everything except my children's personal furniture, even though none of it was hers. Packed up lock, stock, and barrel. Evidently she didn't love me either.

Since that day, some 10 plus years ago, I've had the opportunity to get to know three wonderful women in the context of a dating relationship. Yet in each one, no matter how much I gave hoping that the selflessness would be reciprocated, in the end it became about them and their desires. My most recent was my most promising, and most devistating. I loved her, so much, but she violated and damaged the trust in our relationship (though not with another), and for a time we parted. Because I didn't want cause her harm the reason we seperated was not known beyond us, but her family really demagogued me and made me the villian for hurting her. Still, we talked, and I asked for time, for her family situation was changing and my last child was marrying in early June, and I asked to pursue something after that. I thought that, if she loved me as she claimed she would wait, as I was. But she couldn't, or wouldn't, for she moved on, pursuing love via internet dating. Obviously she really didn't love me either, for love is patient...

So what have I learned? It isn't easy to lay one's heart out there, to give in the hopes that it will be reciprocated, it isn't easy having one's heart hurt time and again. I've always believed that it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. But it is not better to have loved if the love is not returned. I think I will learn to live alone, for my heart has loved and the pain of unrequited love is now more than this old man can bear... True love takes time, it takes commitment, it takes effort. I don't think relationships should be a lot of work, but they do sometimes take a lot of effort, which is not necessarily the same as work. True love in a relationship is the most wonderful of all, for each's desire is the happiness and success of the other... And yet, for me, I think true love is a path unfound... It is time to protect my heart...