Self Examination...

I think most people have a good capacity for unbiased judgement in most areas, but as a people we tend to allow our emotions, our biases, to affect our judgements of those things or people most dear to us. And no one is closer to us than we are to ourselves. I think this is why we have such difficulty in seeing ourselves as others see us. We see ourselves as informed; others see us as a gossip or know-it-all. We tell ourselves we are social, others see us as flirty, or a threat to their relationship. We might see ourselves as funny or witty, others see us as crude or obnoxious. Whatever the case we tend to hold ourselves in the best possible light in our own mind, which is good for healthy self-esteeem.

We run into problems relationally however, when our perception of ourselves and the reality of how another views us is in conflict. We tend to passionately defend our own view of ourself while (sometimes passionately) dismissing the opposing view as inaccurate, or wrong. Our capacity for unbiased self-examination is clouded by our emotions; our defensiveness at having our very being ""attacked", our desire not to acknowledge we might be "wrong" or different that we percieve ourselves to be, our fear that we might somehow be less [appealing] than we think we are. The causal effect is relational disharmony. And we tend to blame the other party because, after all, we see ourselves differently than they do. Our truth can be radically different than their truth. And in the end, the relationship pays the price. I think this was the principle the Apostle Paul wrote about when he said there may be many things you personally find acceptable, but if your actions cause a brother to stumble then don't do it, for you are wrong, not him for inability to accept it.

If we could develop the ability to listen to our mates, (or spouses, or partners, or companions-name them as you will), and try to see ourselves as they see us, through the lens of their experiences, we might find that the very things we find acceptable within ourselves are highly stressful to our partner and may be creating avoidable stress that might ultimately destroy the relationship. If it is damaging to one we love is it not concievable that we consider modifying whatever that stressor is for the good of the other and our relationship? Yet our world is filled with failed relationships, and almost universally it was the other person's fault for the failure of the relationship. Why? We only see us, our side, and then we don't have to shoulder blame or failure. And for the most part we are a selfish, self-centered society, which teaches us that you grab for all you can get and try to hang on; certainly not the idea of putting others first, even if that other is one you claim to love.

Personally, I have tried to go back and examine my past relationships, especially those that failed, and own my responsibility for those failures. I have found it to be a growth experience. I have also found that unless two parties are willing to communicate openly and be receptive to [what we might feel are criticisms] from our mate in areas of stress the relationship is in trouble. An example would be if one person had trust issues stemming from infidelites against them in the past and the other partner consistently acted in a manner that tested that trust but did no "wrong" then where is the fault when the relationship ultimately stumbles and falls? Is it the partner who had trouble trusting, or is it the partner who seemed to repeatedly test the trust by flirting or acting in a manner that seemed inappropriate to the other? The reality is both will walk away blaming the other for the failure, when in light of that reality if the other person was more important that our own need to be right the relationship could have easily been saved. But communication is key, as is our willingness to put aside our own egos and be willing to view ourself as another sees us. Then, if that person, that relationship is important enough to us, we might be willing to take whatever steps necessary to save it.

But the question remains: Can we put aside ourselves for the greater good of our relationships, and how do we do that without becoming a "relational doormat"? There's a fine line that we have to be careful of crossing, where we become enablers. The only way for a relationship to work properly, to be sufficient for both parties, is if both parties are willing to put the other first. Then it becomes mutually fulfilling. Anything less is ultimately doomed to failure.

Nightmare...

Yesterday afternoon tragedy struck my world, suddenly and without warning, like a lightning bolt out of a clear blue sky... My best pal in the world, my (almost) constant companion, my compadre, was acidentally struck down. My heart, my very world, seemed to come to a grinding halt when my friend was struck squarely in the head with an errant throw of a softball. As I watched his little 3.2lb body stiffen up as he slid into an immediate unconscious state I felt as though it were me who was struck. As I scooped his tiny body up and we rushed him to an emergency ER it was all I could do not to pass out myself. I was clammy, cold, scared to death inside. my friend was in serious trouble...

The first 24hrs were the most critical, and Winston did come out of his unconscious state, and has shown some responsiveness, and these are positive signs, but there's still a long way to go. At this writing he still hasn't been able to eat, nor has he been able to stand on his own (his front legs aren't yet working right), but the prognosis is much better than a day ago. We keep being reminded that head trama takes time to heal, and recovery may take months, but I am not one to rule out miracles. I've seen them with my own eyes. I've experienced the unbelievable, the unexplainable, the fantastic, so I will continue to pray that God will interject himself in my world one more time...

Winston is the most personable, loving, incredible dog you could ever hope to meet. He was "personality plus". There was no one that didn't love him when they met him, and no one he didn't show love to back. He was, and is, simply the best. Please pray with me that Winniw will have a full and complete recovery... soon. Thank-you my friends.

A Toast...

I have a wedding in August that I am attending, and my thoughts turned to this young couple, just starting out together... I thought, if I had to propose a toast to two people just beginnig life together, what it would be... I think I would propose a toast to true love, and to the two most important components of true love: forgiveness and grace. I think that couples who "make it", who have that kind of relationship that seems to transcend time and troubles, those are the ones who have mastered the art of forgiveness and grace...

We often hear "forgive and forget" but the reality is we really don't forget, and that's not necessarily bad. It is bad when we dredge up past mistakes that are supposed to be forgiven and buried. To forgive means to leave it in the past- forever. It is not fodder for future fights, it is not to be hauled out to guilt our mate. It is like a corpse- dead and buried, but not forgotten, nor dug up. The memory might be there but the rest is gone- untouchable.

Grace is often more difficult. It is the art of extending undeserved forgiveness or mercy for the sake of our relationship. The key is "undeserved" for we tend to want to keep score. Grace doesn't keep score. Love keeps no record of wrongs (I Cor. 13)... A relationship is not a score card, it is two people trying each day to give their mate 100%, for there will be days when we all fall short, and if each strives to give their all there will be plenty to cover our shortfalls. (A 50-50 relationship doesn't have such a saftey net when we fall short, and problems most certainly ensue).

So to this young couple I raise my glass and say, "May your days together be filled with true love, grace, and forgivness, that your relationship may transcend times and troubles. God Bless."

A Fantasy...

If I could somehow live out my relational fantasy, it would begin with a scene much like Richard Gere, at the end of "Pretty Woman" where he comes back to rescue the maiden (in this case Julia Roberts). But rather than that being the end, this would be the beginning of my saga. What greater way to begin a relationship than to rescue the one I love, to meet her peril and to overcome, to be a hero in her eyes. I am her Knight in Shining Armor and she is the most precious treasure of my heart, my Gweneviere, my Maid Mirian, my Eve.

We begin "doing life" together; those mundane tasks that we dread doing alone becomes fun as we work together. But we don't forget the romance, for the journey is all about the Great Romance, those times I can surprise and delight my Love, the little unexpecteds that cause her eyes to light up and her smile to brighten my soul. They are a pittance to pay for the bountiful return of her happiness, for her happiness is my joy, and the circle is complete. And we build life together...

We travel, together; small oasis' of time relief from the monotany of our work days. We enjoy the adventure of new experiences, new places, new memories that will warm us in our later days together. We share joys on our walk of life because we don't forget to take time, to remember each other. And daily her beauty is unveiled before my eyes. No, not just her physical beauty, but the beauty of her person, as I learn more and more of the beautiful princess she is inside...

We are not just lovers, but we are friends, the best of friends, and confide our innermost joys and fears to each other, each our confidant to the other. We trust each other, because we dared to lay our hearts out there and be vulnerable in the beginning and we didn't disappoint each other. My heart was safe with her and I protected hers with the ferocity of life itself. We trust because we've been proven trustworthy... And we build deeper...

Perhaps one day we decide to tie the knot, to link our time, our energy, our lives together permanantly. We have a foundation, and we have established a history. Now we choose to write a new future, together... It is a fantasy, but one I believe is possible, even attainable. Meanwhile, I will not fear to dream...

Our Most Precious Commodity...

We shouldn't be surprised, all things considered, to find ourselves and our society in the mess we're in... We have lost perspective, as a people, as to what is really important. We have lost perspective as to how to achieve satisfaction, how to find fulfillment...
We have become an impatient people- lives filled with fast food, drive throughs, microwave meals, instant coffee, direct deposits, speed dating, radar detectors, road rage... We have learned not to appreciate things that take time, for time is a commodity we seem to have lost. All of our "fast food" mentality should give us more time but we seem to be busier than ever. Why?
Our pursuit is for more "things"... We seek success, we seek toys: cars, boats, big screem TVs, bigger homes, second homes, cruises, vacations, more, more, more... We seek to find satisfaction in things, but the feeling is fleeting, for things cannot fill that hole in our heart that causes us longing... There is something that fulfills us though, and that something is relationships. It is people, not things. Relationships fill our deeepest needs, our most intense and personal longings- it fills our need and desire to be loved and accepted. It gives us fellowship and community, for man was not created solitary, but is a social creature.
We often fail in our relationships, even in the pursuit if them, because, contrary to our lifestyle, relationships take time. They need to be nurtured, cared for. With a little work and a little time they grow more and more fulfilling. They allow us the experience of emotions that "things" can neve trigger. Things are only things and can be easily attained or replaced. People are a priceless commodity- each unique, each precious in their own way. Each of us is irreplaceable.
If we must choose to protect our most precious thing let that thing be our relationships. Take time to grow yours today. The fruits they produce- laughter, grace, patience, forgiveness, joy, satisfaction to name a few- so outweigh the cost of your time investment.

Pure Love...

I am lucky. I am loved, so deeply, so completely, and though there's ne'er been a word spoken that love is communicated so completely that I could never doubt it. I see it in the looks I get, I sense it in the very excitement to see me when we're apart, even though it's just a matter of hours, I feel it when that warm body snuggles up to mine, pressing to be as close as possible.

Sometimes I know I don't deserve such love, such adoration, for I can be moody, or get irritable, or short. Sometimes I'm neglectful, though not intentionally, but still... My love is imperfect, fragmented, sometimes selfish, certainly not the pure love I experience. I wish I could love like that, and indeed, I strive to, but the standard is so high. No matter how I act I am loved, I am forgiven, I am accepted. Never a complaint, never a reaction out of anger, just a constant acceptance of me for who I am.

So today I publicly acknowledge this love, and say "Thank-you" for allowing me to experience the depth of this love. Indeed, you are as close to me as anyone. you are my Friend and I appreciate you. Your heart is far bigger than your being, your capacity to love greater than the sum of your physicality. You are greater than your 3.5 lbs my Friend, and I love you too.

Too Busy...

As a society I think we've lost sight of what is important as we do this thing called life. It seems we tend to focus on things- on our home, our cars, our possessions, as we try to "better" our lot in life, but we forget the most important of elements, the one that brings us ultimate joy to our life, and that is our relationships.
Relationships, with our friends, loved ones, family, are often taken for granted. Too often we find ourselves too busy doing life to provide the proper care and nurturing our relationships require for proper growth. Indeed, all too often it seems that the stresses of life- the pursuit of things- creates an atmosphere of neglect that starves and ultimately kills relationships. We are in danger of waking up one day surrounded by all our "treasures", yet completely and utterly alone.
Man is a social creature and every one, no matter how reclusive, has some degree of need for social interaction, for community with others. Yet we are moving ever closer to isolationism, to aloneness, to ultimate loneliness, the absolute opposite of how we were created. Don't neglect your relationships. There's nothing worse than realizing that one of the most precious things in your life is gone and it was within your power to prevent it, but you were too busy to see (or care) until it was too late. Regrets always hurt. Food for thought...

Kiva!

I received an e-mail from my baby sister last week, inviting me to check out this site that she and her husband found, called Kiva (http://www.kiva.org/). After several days of putting it off I finally checked it out, and am I glad I did. It is an organization that helps 3rd world entreprenuers by matching them up with those who have the means to help. It's not just a donation society, rather loans are requested and monies raised with the full intent that these people will repay from the profits of their ventures. You can loan as little as $25 at a time, (or as much as you want).

The really cool thing is, you choose the entrepreneur you want to sponsor, the amount you want to sponsor, and then you can follow the progress in your portfolio. I was amazed at how many people sponsored those same entrepreneurs I did after I did, and from (literally) all over the world! I felt really good at the thought of making a specific personal impact in someone's life, but after seeing how many people join in I got really excited! This is a neat program, and if anyone wants a personal invite I'd be happy to send you an e-mail with an invite, just drop me a note to my e-mail, (found under my personal info). Sometimes we need something that gives us a warm fuzzy... Maybe this will do it for you like it did for me!

A Broken Heart...

It has been sometime since I've written, and I don't know if anyone even reads anymore, but I'm stuck, and don't know what to do, where to turn, so if anyone still checks in occassionally and has some insight, I'd love to hear it...
Here's the situation in a nutshell: I've been seeing a wonderful woman for the better part of a year now and things are good- on the surface. We have a strong friendship, much stronger than our relationship, which is good. We enjoy each other's company. We communicate regularly, and well. But here's the problem...
I learned long ago that there is inherent danger to making oneself vulnerable to loving again. The possibility for hurt, for disappointment is ever present, but not to be vulnerable robs one of something so much greater than the potential hurt. To love and be loved is the greatest of feelings. So I made myself vulnerable, and I fell in love again. As I learned her good points and her flaws I loved her for them. Unfortunately, my new love tends to close herself off to those deep emotions, choosing to remain behind self-imposed walls to "protect" herself from hurt or disappointment. We've discussed it- she doesn't even want me to say I love her, because she's been told in the past and now doesn't believe it. On rare occassions (maybe 3-4x this relationship) she's told me she loved me, but then is quick to make light of the moment, or retreat behind her emotional walls. I've showed her in many ways, many acts, how I feel, and the validity of my words are backed with actions, but to no avail.
I feel like I am being robbed of something precious, that my emotional needs are being sacrificed for the sake of her unwillingness to believe, to open up... Once she told me I was the best thing that's ever come in to her life- so why does she chance losing that by pushing me away aand closing me off emotionally? I don't know. I can't imagine my life now without her, but I can't continue on giving without receiving that emotional connection in return... Sooner or later my tank will run dry and there will be nothing left to give; if I leave it justifies her emotional walls (to her) and I become like those who said in the past "I love you" but didn't really mean it- because I too left. I don't think the idea that she pushes me away emotionally really occurs to her as a possibility to destroy our relationship... And yet she's told me that she realizes I might not be getting everything I need out of our relationship, but she isn't willing to give more right now...
My heart is broken, often, when I leave her, for there is nothing worse than leaving the one you love and not being able to remind them of that love until we meet again. No, there is something worse; it's loving someone and never hearing they love you too... So what do I do? Where do I turn next? Despite all the good in this relationship it is doomed to failure without that emotional connection that flows both ways... I've been patient, but now I find my tank running dangerously low, and my thoughts of what a fool I am to open up myself to yet more heartache in my life... When questions like "Is it worth it?" start arising then perhaps it's not... Food for thought...

Give and Take...

Physics teaches that for each action there is an equal and opposite reaction. The corresponding cultural axiom is the concept of give and take. Society is balanced because there are givers and takers. Unfortunately, it is not a healthy balance, for the takers prey on the givers and will take and take until the givers have nothing left. We call them by all sorts of names; Type A personalities, go-getters, ambitious, focused, or the other extereme, soft, enablers, patsies... For most of my life I was a loner; emotionally closed off from society, self-imposed walls to protect myself from myself and others. It wasn't until these last five years or so, as I have consciously tried to be more open and authentic, that I have ventured from behind those walls. For you see, I'm a giver, and I know what it is to be taken advantage of...
An example: I've often helped out people in need. Whether family or friend, or sometimes even a complete stranger, I have been willing to share the blessings God has given me with those in need. Usually, especially if a significant amount, those I've helped have repaid the debt. Yet I've developed the mindset that when I lend I must be willing to accept that money as gone, that it may never be repaid, because money is never worth a friendship or relationship. Well, I heard of a young couple who had a need and I offered to help them out if they wanted. One day I received a call from them and they set up a meeting. The bottom line was they asked for three times the amount of money I had originally offered to help them. And I gave it to them, because they said it was what they needed to kick-start his "second" career and give them the life they envisioned. They promised to repay- it was a loan and they would make good, if I would only trust them.
A year has gone by and I have attempted to keep in touch, writing a number of times and asking how things are going. I see his website for his new career, and can see he's doing pretty good, and yet I haven't heard a word from them. They've totally ignored me, made no effort to repay the many hundreds of dollars they took with the promise to repay. Takers. The money isn't the issue; I lent it knowing I may not get it back. What hurts is their total lack of response, their severing of relational ties with their silence for the sake of money.
I find that being a giver can be relationally devestating too. I know how to give, how to determine needs and desires then seek out ways to meet them. But I find that relationships flow like rivers- most often it's one way. I know there are things I need, want, and desire within the context of a relationship, but attempting to communicate those things to a taker is like trying to swim upstream against the current. It's no wonder I spent much of my life behind my walls- I'm learning it's much less painful to not expect anything from people than to put myself out there just to have hopes disappointed... Sorry, but tonight I'm very disillusioned and somewhat pessimistic towards my fellow man (and woman)...

3-D Love...

It seems appropo that, with my thoughts running around the importance of relationships, that the topic at my church this weekend is on seeing others with the same eyes as Jesus did. And he was all about relationships. I've shared a number of times with people, (some extemely close to me), that true love is not an emotion, rather it is a choice. I'm not sure that all have agreed with that but I truly believe it. Tonight I heard a really cool definition of Jesus' love, of true love.

Jesus loved in 3-D. And the three "D"s were, first, "Decision". He chose to love. We need to choose to love to experience the real thing. It's not a feeling, it's a choice. The second "D" is "Demonstration". Jesus acted on his love. It was compassion from deep within him. It was active. The last "D" is "Difference". True love makes a difference in those lives we choose to love. We impact.

It was enlightening, as I sat and listened tonight, because I have someone who is very special to me. Early on in our relationship I knew how special she was and would continue to be and I shared with her my feelings about love being a choice. Early on she pooh-poohed me and said I didn't know her well enough to love her. As time went on she continued to be uneasy with the idea, the concept that I could love her, but that didn't change my feelings. Now, after a year, she's heard the words, and seen the actions, the physical acts that could only be explained as acts of love, and it is increasingly more difficult for her to deny my love. And on a few occassions she's even declared her love for me. But it still makes her uncomfortable.

I was struck, as I pondered this yet again, at how closely my relationship with her seems to parallel so often our relationship with God. How often do we wonder how God could ever love a sinner like us, and how often do we pull away because of our own insecurities, our own doubts about our worthiness? How many times do we rob ourselves of His love because we stubbornly cling to our own ideas that love must be earned? And all the while he is there, just waiting for us to come around, just loving us with his perfect love, not dependent at all on our decision to recognize or accept it. It is real, it is true, and it is there, and no doubts or rejections on our part will change his desire to love us.

Now I don't claim to love perfectly, as Jesus does, but in my own imperfect way I know my love does not waver, it is not conditional on acceptance, and it does not change if it's not relected back. My love is a choice; it is active, it is demonstrative, it makes a difference in the loved one's life. So, on a personal note, Sweetheart, I love you, whether you choose to believe it or not, whether you choose to accept it or not. You know, because you have seen, because you do see, my love is active for you. I love you in 3-D.

Are we a hostage?

It had been quite a while since I last blogged, that is before yesterday, and I was pleasantly surprised to hear from several "old friends" or past readers / penpals. Thanks for keeping an eye on me and dropping me the e-mails- it was really heartwarming to hear from you. Thank-you sincerely.

As I continued to ponder my train of thoughts from yesterday's blogging my thoughts turned to our propensity to hide behind walls- emotional barriers we erect to protect our hearts from the possibility of future hurt based on our past experiences... We think we are protecting ourselves when the reality we either fail to see or steadfastly deny is that by walling ourselves off emotionally we aren't just keeping others at bay, we are also restricting our own ability to experience love, and affection, and ultimately the true happiness that comes from unfettered community with others, the very thing we were created for.

It doesn't occur to us that as long as we restrict our vulnerability, as long as we stay behind those barriers, we are hostages to our past and can never fully experience the full joy of our present or the full potential of our future. To bottom line it, we learn from past hurts to distrust. Distrust, the opposite of trust, which the most critical element in experiencing true love. In essence, by remaining hostage to our past, by refusing the choice of being vulnerable we choose by default to deny ourselves the possibility of true love, true friendship, andultimately deny ourselves happiness and gratification.

It is this phenomena, this misconceived desire to protect our heart, that leads us to seek gratification through "things" rather than relationships. We seek to fill that void, that longing, the unhappiness we feel from a lack of community, or fellowship or friendship with others with the trappings of our world, trying to accumulate more, or nicer, toys to make us "happy", yet that gratification is so fleeting, so temporary. We end up alone, sitting in a houseful of gadgets, wishing for something, someone to fill that void, without a clue on how to find relief. We just refuse to believe that it is as easy as stepping out and taking a chance on a fellow human being. Being vulnerable is the key that releases the shackles of our past... But I ramble long enough...

The Beauty of a Cannonball...

It's been too long. I've missed writing, but then writing needs a clearer head than I've had for the past month or so. A quick update, on a personal note- my surgeries went well and there seems to be some good improvements. The only drawback came about a week and a half back; I woke up with a swollen jaw and it didn't go away. Turned out to be an impacted wisdom tooth that decided to abcess... But last week it too went away, and after a couple days recovery I'm none the worse for wear...

I was hit this morning with a thought that I really felt worth sharing. So often we focus on things, we prioritize our "things" in our lives that really aren't important, and end up squeezing out those things that are important. The thought I had was that "things" are so unimportant in the larger scheme yet we lose focus as we concentrate on our convoluted sense of what we seem to think is important. What is really important is people, is relationships. After all, when it's all said and done what can "things" do for us that can ever compare with what we get from a well-developed relationship? How important is that promotion, that new car, the nice house full of all the latest gadgets, if we are alone, if we have no one to share with? We were designed for fellowship, for community, and too often we've lost that focus as we try to accumulate wealth, as we stockpile "things".

Nothing is more important than relationships. Is it better to have a clean house, or a best friend? Is that promomotion, and all the extra hours of work worth the cost of the marital relationship? Is there really any "thing" that can compare to the value of a true friend, a confidant? What can compare to the comfort of knowing that there is someone who is always in your corner, no matter what stupid thing you might do or say? That is a friend. Yet we steadfastly work away from developing such friendships, such bonds. Why? Bescause we've become a society of people who play in the shallow end of the pool. We fear the deep end, because in the deep end we are vulnerable, there is risk, there is danger that we could get hurt, so we find contentment in the shallow end where there is no risk, but no depth either.

When we decide to plum the depths of the deep end of life, of relationships, we find ourselves facing the possibility of hurt, of rejection, of disappointment, but the rewards are so much more satisfying. We experience depths to our relationships, in our giving, and receiving, that far outweigh our fears of failure. We will find disappointments, but just one true friend is worth a pool full of shallow-enders. The deep end is life, the shallow end is existence. But to live life we must be willing to be vulnerable, we must be willing to invest in others so that they in turn will learn to invest in us. Someone has to be willing to jump in first, to test the waters, so others might follow. I pray that I am brave enough to be willing to do that first cannonball, and who knows, one day we might just bump into each other somewhere in the deep end...