Relationally challenged...

I've never been shy about admitting my being relationally challenged, but it's taken some time for me to figure out why there are times I just prefer to be alone than in a relationship. I've been divorced some time now and while single I have participated in several relationships, each in turn running its course. I finally figured out that which I dislike most about relationships: I hate the feeling I get when I disappoint. It doesn't matter if I've not been "wrong", per se, to cause that rotten feeling, it just matters that I failed to perform in such a way that pleased my mate... It's those times, when I felt I tried, but it wasn't good enough, that I found little pleasure in my relationship... It's those times that I felt it better to be alone...

From time to time I've shared my feelings on relationships, on occassion my opinion has been sought out by those dealing with difficulties of one kind or another, but this time, as I seek answers, who will answer me? Why does feeling that I've disappointed make me feel like a failure? Even those times I've tried, but still disappointed, when my best efforts were not enough and met with disappointment, I feel terrible. Why? Shouldn't the effort to please be acknowledged, isn't that attitude of disappointment a selfish reaction from my mate?

Perhaps for some only the end product is all that matters, the destination more important than the journey. Perhaps that is a difference, for I've found that life is in the journey...

Relational Glue...

Trust is the glue that holds relationships together. It doesn't matter what the dynamics of a relationship are (ie. lovers/ spouses/ parent-child/ boss-employee/ friend-friend) when the trust is violated the relationship is in serious jepordy. The reason? Trust takes time to build, but can be destroyed in an instant. Sometimes the relationship can't withstand the stress or trauma of broken trust long enough for that trust to begin to build again. And the relationship dies...

I have someone who recently violated my trust- a friend, and an employee... I don't have definitive proof of his violation, just his past track record- both long past and recent. The sad thing is that I've always been straight and generous to this person, but for whatever reason he has chosen to steal from me... Again, I don't have definitive proof this time, but he's stolen from me in the past and repented, and I recently learned he's stolen from others. Now I have to decide what to do.

I can't allow this person the freedoms within my business that I have in the past, and as my partner so aptly put it- "It's going to be uncomfortable around him. He doesn't make [me] feel good about him anymore." We want to feel good. It is natural to seek out people or situations that make us feel good, just as we prefer to avoid those (whenever possible) that make us uncomfortable. I wish I had an answer to how someone who has lied or stolen could repent without crushing the trust... It would save many relationships. Food for vthought...

Spring has sprung...

Spring has sprung. It isn't even officially the end of winter and we've blown past spring and right into summer. Eighty degree days in March. Who'd a thunk it?
There's something special, something fresh and new every spring, a rebirth after the doldrums and hibernation of winter. I am reminded, with every bloom and every blossum, the inexplicable wonder and simple complexity of creation. I am in total awe of the miracle of spring, and the beauty is I can experience it anew each and every year. One day all is drab and brown; the next a hint of green, and yet the next, an explosion.
While I love summer, and the colors of fall, there's nothing quite like the the miracle of rebirth that comes each spring. Life is ready to live again! Take a moment, enjoy the beauty as it once more unfolds, drink in spring, for it is indeed a heady draft...
Food for thought...

The gift in Giving...

So I find myself much more emotional lately, and I'm not sure what to make of it. I seem to be inexplicably affected by random acts of kindness, whether I'm active in the act or just a casual observer... I've always loved to give, often being criticized for being "too generous", but lately it's different. It's like I've experienced a whole new level of joy, and one I can experience either actively or inactively, although the joy is far more intense when I'm involved...

I've also noticed another interesting phenomena; it seems that when helping someone who truly needs the reaction is far different from someone who merely wants. Those who truly need tend to be far more grateful, but beyond that, they don't want to be thought of as "taking advantage" [of my generousity]... Those with wants tend to be more selfish and far less humble... I'm sure I wasn't always aware of these differences, but I'm glad I now am, for having the discretion to tell the difference allows more freedom to aid those with real needs. And experience that far deeper level of joy...

Truly, it is better to give than to receive, for in giving one receives joy- personally satisfying, deeply humbling joy. I think, perhaps being selfless is not far from being selfish, for that joy that flows deeply from my gut is intoxicating, it's addicting, and I want more... The saying is, "Give a man a fish and feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and feed him for a lifetime." I think that could be applied to giving. Give a man a hand and help him for a time; teach a man to give and help many people many times...

I'm getting older now, and I feel that those things I felt necessary to keep me in this world have been fulfilled. My children are grown, they're on their own, with mates, and even a couple of kids- grandkids for me- and they don't really need me anymore. I've shared with friends that I feel I've run my race, and am content, and my Father can call me home anytime, for I have no fear of death. But while I remain I will continue to labor as He wills, until that day. Meanwhile, Before I go I wish that somehow I could share the joy I receive from giving with those who've never experienced it. It would rock their world, forever... Food for thought...

God Things...

So I'm down in Florida visiting my folks this week. From the time I got here on Monday afternoon until today I got had no cell phone reception what-so-ever. Which isn't all bad, for I needed the rest and relaxation. But today as I was watching an episode of a show I'd downloaded on my Kindle I sudden felt the need to go for a ride on my Dad's motorscooter. Right in the middle of the show. So I did.

I was riding a minute or two (at most) when suddenly my cell phone rang in my pocket! I pulled over and answered it and lo and behold it was my daughter calling to tell me she had to undergo some medical tests and asked for my prayers. First, she never calls during the day like that, and second, my phone hadn't rang in two days. So how infintesible are the odds that I would just get up and go for a ride right when she needed to talk with me? It was again just another testement to God being in control of my life. It was definitely a "God-thing".

A lot of people don't believe in "God things", or don't want to believe in them, but it is far easier for me to believe that He orchestrated that call today than to believe in the incredibly huge odds that it was just chance. And these kinds of things happen far too often for them to be chance. So to those who choose to deny that God's in charge, to deny the overwhelming evidence that is all around us, I'm sorry for you. I'm just grateful that I'm a treasured child of the Most High God... It's an everlasting comfort. Food for thought...

Sometimes a Beard is More than a Beard...

So, I'm growing a beard... I'm not particularly fond of beards, I find them to be somewhat itchy, and I don't think I look particularly appealing in one. So why grow one? Truth be told the lady I'm seeing likes them, and seems to like mine. So am I so insecure in our relationship that I have to grow a beard just to please her?

No, of course not. Anyone who knows me knows how secure I am in myself and in my relationships. But I do like her, and am willing to do things that please her. Our relationship is strong enough to handle me clean-shaven, and yet, small relational discomforts are common in the best of relationships. Why?

Doing things outside of our comfort zones, or even things we might not ordinarily do or like is nothing more, and nothing less, than putting the wants and desires of our partner first. It is the practice of selflessness, rather than selfishness, and is a cornerstone of any healthy and successful relationship. The satisfaction of bringing joy to our mate is far more rewarding than acts of self-gratification. It's too bad that society seems to preach a "me first" mentality for all too long. Wrong lesson. As one old-timer taught me: "Happy wife, happy life." Food for thought...

2012- A New Year... Resolutions?

The worst time of the year for me, it seems, is around the end of the year, especially from the middle of December forward. It seems like some of the really bad, or really painful memories in my life stemmed from past Decembers. I lost a child in December, the beginnig of the end of my marriage- December, and for the last twenty seven years I've had the busiest time of my business year the last week or two of the year. Stir in all the holiday hoopla from Thanksgiving through the New Year and it's a really hectic time of life for me. And one thing I've learned- the busier the times the less likely you'll find anyone who cares if you're hurting. Not that they're not caring, rather they're not as sensitive when busy. People tend to get wrapped up in their lives, their hassles, and seldom remember past hurts of others... Not a condemnation on people, but merely an observation. I probably am more guilty of this than any other...

I'm not big on resolutions, for seldom do they seem to stick, at least for me. But this year I think I will try to be more cognizant, more aware of a couple of thoughts. First, I want to try to avoid bringing up past mistakes in relationships, especially with those who are closest to me. Siblings, kids, parents, significant others, these all know us well, and we them, and I can't help but think it will be happier to forgive and move on, or it could negatively impact my present happiness. In other words, make peace with the past so it won't spoil the present.

Second, I want to remember that it is not my job that will take care of me when sick, or down, or lonely. It is not my job who will be there for me in my times of need- but family and friends can and will, so I resolve to try harder to stay in touch, to make myself more available to them, to try and be a helpmate in their times of need too. Life isn't a destination; life is all in the journey. I want to daily remember that, for to keep my eyes glued to the goal blinds me to life that's happening all around me.

I just want to be a better person- that's my resolution... Food for thought...     

A time out...

I've been taking a short respite from writing, to do a little more learning my own self. I believe that learning is a skill that must be fed, honed, or we lose our capacity to learn. Therefore I'm taking a short sabbatical here to pursue and expand my interest in one of the greatest (if not the greatest) theologians of the twentieth century, Deitrick Bonhoeffer.

I recommend "Bonhoeffer: Pastor, Martyr, Prophet, Spy" which is his biograghy, but even more interestingly, gives a unique insight into the development of Hitler's Germany from a German perspective within... Not only was Bonhoeffer a great German teacher and theologian, he was also complicit in the assassination plot to kill Hitler. He was arrested and held in a jail until just a few days before Germany's surrender. But he was not released- he was executed.
  Bonhoeffer developed much of the modern ideology that drives the "Seeker Church" today. His teaching on Community ("Life Together") and Discipleship ("The Cost of Discipleship"), on the Church as it relates to Jesus Christ is incredible. So please bear with me as I take some time out to read, to study, to learn.
Thank you.

It's Raining...

Tonight we had a soft little rain... For reasons still undiscovered I decided to take a little walk in the rain- barefoot. I walked in puddles. Intentionally. I enjoyed myself, even though I'll probably catch cold or get sick now. What am I thinking? I'm way too young to be slipping into my "second childhood"... But still, it was enjoyable. It was fun. When was the last time you intentionally walked in the rain?

The Human Condition...

I am my own worst critic- this I know, but then, who knows me better? I've been told I'm loving, thoughtful, sensitive, caring, kind, blessed, a blessing- but when I hear these things I know deep in my heart that my core is not good. There's something wrong, something askew, that I cannot fix, and I have tried through the years and utterly failed. My problem is the human condition. My problem is sin.

I'm grateful that others have fought this battle and have shared their struggles, for it gives me reassurance that I don't struggle alone. Paul wrote in Romans that he knew what was right and yet didn't do it. He knew what was wrong and couldn't help doing it. He writes of the battle that raged within him. I can empathize with Paul, and with others who fight this same battle as I, for it is so discouraging to know right but do wrong. It shows how weak I really am, and it scares me, for I am an uncommonly strong man...

Some people handle the human condition by just refusing to acknowledge it within themselves. It doesn't go away, but their response to it callouses them over time, until they just don't feel the tug to do what is right anymore. They live as they want to live, irrespective of the pain or damage they might inflict on others, on ones they love or once loved. Their fellow man is no longer as important as their own selfish wants and desires. And the human condition deepens their lives become more selfish, and self centered. I'm bothered by my inability to overcome sin, and yet I understand that I will never, in this life, be able to in my own power.

I was listening today to Philips, Craig, and Dean and one song they sang said, in effect, "I couldn't reach mercy, so Mercy came running to me." It reminded me yet again, that nothing I do in my own power is enough to overcome my human condition, my sin, but Jesus overcame it once and for all through His sacrifice of love for me. I don't have to overcome sin- it's already defeated. Now I just have to learn to live day by day, moment by moment in the grace and mercy of God and my human condition cannot win. Or, as Paul said, "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me". Paul managed to get it right. I can only pray that I do too. Food for thought...

An Open Letter- Revisited...

Some four years ago I wrote this column, so I thought I'd rerun it... It was from an open heart...and I find it every bit as relevant today...

We all desire to someone special in our lives, to walk with, to share with... Right now I don't have that companion, that love, but still hope that one day I will be so blessed. Today I was thinking of her, whoever she might be, and wanted to share with her a bit from my heart...


My Darling,

I want you to know how much you mean to me, to my heart, to know that you love and accept me just as I love and accept you. I want you to know how you captivate my thoughts, and hold my love captive until we meet again. You are my sunshine, my source of warmth, and energy, the light that dispells the darkness that lonliness cast before you.


I know we both want to be perfect for each other, but reality says that isn't going to happen. I know I am going to disappoint you, as you will me. The question we must ask ourselves is, "Is this disappointment going to be a stumbling block, or a building block?" I imagine, if your experience has been anything like mine, all too often those disappointments became stumbling blocks that ultimately doomed the relationship. But I'm here today, to tell you that it doesn't have to be. Tell me when I let you down, for that is not my heart's desire, and I will do everything in my power to make amends. And I promise to tell you, when I get hurt, or disappointed, and we can work toward resolution together. If we agree our relationship is good, and right, then our disappointments can become learning experiences, and be building blocks instead of stumbling blocks.


I know I haven't experienced that kind of relationship in my past, for whatever the reason, I haven't found a lady willing to commit to a common bottom line, so walking away was the road they often chose to take. But you are willing to commit to me, as I am to you, and walking is not a relational option. And we gain strength from our commitment, and trust grows, and our love deepens...


Please remember, my Love, that love is regressive, for as we grow in our relationship we become more trusting, more vulnerable, and we let down our guard to each other, revealing our flaws and faults that we initially tried to hide. We are not perfect anymore, but better yet, we are accepted, and loved despite our deficiencies, for our goal remains steadfast: We desire to be together, to love one another... Thank-you for sharing that goal, and thank-you for your understanding and acceptance.

Know that I love you, and am here for you, and will be in the future. I look forward to walking through life, hand-in-hand with you, making memories on life's journey that will warm our hearts and minds in the years ahead. My happiness is not found in doing any one thing, rather, it is found in doing anything with you. My desire is to fulfill you, to bring you happiness, and contentment for the rest of our lives together, til death do us part... I love you, whoever, and where ever you are.

~Bud

Be Still, my Heart...

Dusk. The last vestige of sunlight slowly ebbing away. A cool, almost brisk breeze stirs through the playfully dancing flames of the firepot. Water tinkling softly from the fountains beside the deck. A humming bird flits through for a late evening snack. Beyond the tinkling water the aspens rustle in the tinest of breezes, a constant soothing whisper... The trees turning from dark green to black, casting a canopy of privacy...

Slowly the tension of the day slips away, and the dancing flames mesmerize my brain, my soul, until thought is no longer even necessary. Just being, being in the moment, soaking in the serenity, the tranquility... No thoughts, no words, just peace. A perfect time to "be still, and know I am God". Still, not just of body, but of mind, and emotion. Be still my heart and worship...

I am not worthy Father, of all the blessings you've lavished upon me. I've squandered much that I know now was precious. But I'm grateful that you.ve given me a heart to learn, and an active mind. Thank you for protecting me even as I failed you,thank you for teaching me to grow up, and not just grow old. Perhaps one day, Father, I will learn to be less relationally challenged, and you will bless me again, with a mate who will love me, even though I'm so flawed... One day- it's a good prayer...

The Empty Nest...

The Empty Nest Syndrome has ambushed relationships for a number of years now, mostly since family have gotten away from the extended family and to the more nuclear family structure. In a nutshell, a couple marries, has kids, the kids grow up and one day move out on their own and the couple finds that they no longer know their spouse, that the glue holding the family together was the kids, and now they're gone. This group makes up the second highest rate of divorce, second only to couples who have been married two years or less (the honeymoon is over group). But the "Empty Nest" syndrome doesn't just affect couples, indeed, any home that has their child or children move out is vulnerable to strong emotional reactions. Some are happy to see the kids go, ready to start a new chapter in life, others are greatly distraught and in extreme cases a person can even go through a period of grieving and adjustment at their loss.

I found myself deep in self-reflection tonight, for my daughter and niece came to visit, and after they left I ran across an old photo album while searching for something else. My daughter just got married in early June, the last of my three kids to leave the nest, then I lost my best friend, my Yorkie, Winston in late June. As I sat there and looked at the pictures of my children- from babies to young adulthood- I realized I have spent the better part of my life- some 30 years now- pouring into my children. I was a good dad when married, I had primary physical custody when divorced, and my focus was on raising my kids. I didn't spend a lot of time dating, or in relationships for myself; my primary functions were working and raising my kids. I'm proud of my kids, and their acomplishments, and their mates, and feel like it is a job well done.
But they're all gone now. I'm alone, yet being alone isn't the problem. Feeling lonely isn't the problem. I'm not one to get all meloncholy, or to be a Gloomy Gus, but I have to admit tonight I shed some tears, for I realized what this Empty Nest thing has done to me. I have spent 30 years pouring my love and devotion into my kids- day in and day out, as they lived at home, until they all left, one by one. Now there's no one for me to pour into daily, there's no one to receive the love, to be cherished, to be mine.

My children are gone. I can and still do love them, but it's love from afar now, it's different than having them right there on a daily basis to receive love and return it. Now there is no one, and that's scary, for I feel I have much love to give yet, much loyalty and devotion, but there is no one to receive and return... I feel like I'm wasting a precious gift, the gift of love, for I am alone now... I am truly an Empty Nester... Where does one find someone seeking to love and be loved? Let the search begin...

On-line Dating: A Critique...

My foray into on-line dating has come to an end and I must say I'm glad it's over. But the experience wasn't a total loss, for I believe I better understand my fellow human beings now. To be fair, this wasn't my first venture into these waters; I first tried on-line dating 10 years ago. But back then it was an entirely different experience than today. (Back then I did meet someone that I dated off and on for about four years).  That experience was on "Match.com" and things seemed a whole lot tighter- people were more cautious, more security conscious then.
Some three years ago someone encouraged me to try eHarmony.com because they were so much more thourough in their matching criteria. The odds of meeting my soulmate were supposed to be greatly enhanced. So I gave it a try. I wanted to meet a good Christian woman who lived relatively close, who shared common interests. Seemed like it took forever but finally they sent me a "match". A beautiful blonde-haired nurse who lived a couple minutes away, who seemed to share similar likes and philosophies. We enjoyed a great year together- until I caught her stealing money from me... And lied about it. (Alas beautiful One, the nanny cam doesn't lie). Thanks eHarmony, but my fault for not stressing honesty as a pre-requisite... I guess I expected that to be a given.

One last fling on Match, signed up three months ago for 90 days, and I'm done with on-line dating. I found in three months, after several thousand viewings of my profile and numerous inquiries of interest, I found only three or four women that interested me. One met for coffee and talked about the men she met (not what I was interested!), one looked about 10 years older than her pictures, and one was a nice lady but just not a good connection... But one thing seemed to be common among those I met and/or corresponded with: Everyone is interested in finding a long-term relationship now. There seems to be urgency to establish something right away, but how do you love someone before you even know if you like them? That just isn't my thing. I need to take time to get to know someone, and it takes time before I let someone in to get to know the real me... I keep people at bay as I stay behind a facade of sharp wit and humor, not allowing them to experience my more sensitive side- the real "who" that I am until I feel a degree of safety with them... that just doesn't happen overnight.
So, after wading through the lies, the married, the aggressive, and all the rest, I decided after a couple of months to hide my profile and just let my time run out. There's got to be a better way to meet a nice lady, to get to know someone special. I guess I tried it my way, now I'll just wait for God to bring that special person in my life... (Not to hurry you Father, but I've been looking for over a year now. I don't want to forget all dating ettiquette!).

Three Wishes- The great "What if"...

I was thinking today, what if I found an Aladin's Lamp and a genie were to grant me three wishes? Would I ask for wealth, or fame, or long life?  Are there parameters, or consequences attached to a Genie's lamp?

I think, if I were granted three wishes, any three wishes, my first would be to to have someone to love and be loved unconditionally, as Jesus loved and taught us to love. This would be the greatest wish, for it would greatly enhance my understanding of God, for we are taught that God is love.

My second wish would be for peace, for all my life I've lived in a world of wars and warfare, of terrorists and fear. Peace would be a welcome relief and a comfort. All in all, a great second wish.

My third wish, of course, would be for three more wishes...

Babblings of a grieving man...

It has now been a full week since I lost my pal and I know life goes on, but how incredibly different my house is now that he's gone. I still find myself reaching to pet him, looking before I get up so I don't inadvertantly step on him, waking up numerous times a night searching for him... I've had numerous people express their condolences, and I am grateful, and many who knew Winston have encouraged me to get another "pal", but to all I say no. Winston is irreplacebale. Period. I have never seen a more intellegent, understanding, and completely loving dog in my life like Winston was. There was an occassional dog he might have growled or snapped at when his personal space was violated, but never one time did he growl or snap at a human. He loved all unconditionally. But he loved me most...

I've hated to go to bed at night, because of the difficulty sleeping, but this past Saturday night I entertained two of my nephews (ages 10 & 12 I think). We decided to have a "Lord of the Rings" party and watch the entire trilogy non-stop. (I forgot how long those movies were!) We started about 6 pm Saturday night and finished at 3:30 am Sunday morning. Whew! But what a great time we had, and even more so it was a bit of a break for their parents... Sometimes we all need a break, be it ever so brief, to recharge our batteries... I really appreciated their company and I know they love coming.

so thanks to Graham and Peyton for taking care of your old uncle at a time of vulnerablity in his life. I own you guys another all-nighter!

WINSTON...

Today is a most difficult day for me, for I bid farewell to my best friend...

WINSTON, 2005-2011

Winston was laid to rest Saturday, June 25th, 2011, after battling a long terminal illness. Although only given 2-10 months to live in early March, 2010, through his courageous heart and indomitable spirit, Winston battled his illness for over 15 months, finally succumbing to the deteriorating effects of that illness. Because his quality of life and ability to function had deteriorated so severely it was clear that it was his time.

Winston was much loved and touched hearts everywhere he went, and with everyone he met. He was intelligent and understanding far beyond the scope of normal dogs, and the size of his heart belied his stature. Winston will be long remembered and greatly missed. No matter how poor my mood, or what I’d say, Winston always loved with an unconditional love. I can only hope and dream of ever loving so completely as he did those in his life. You will be missed, my Friend. Thank you for being such a blessing... If there’s a dog Heaven you’re there with treasures.

Life is in the moments...

It was so dark, the night sky occassionally ripped by flashes of lightning, the air sultry, electric with the approaching storm. I sat quietly, watching the sway of the trees, listening to the chatter of the leaves and branches. Enjoy, taste the moment. And then, softly, sporadically at first, drops began to pelt the roof of the gazebo that offered me scant protection from the onslaught that was eminent.

And then the rain... It came down in sheets, violating the sanctity of my sanctuary. Still I sat there, the

misty remnants of rain that managed to penetrate washing over me. Yet how could I leave such majesty, such raw fury? The storm was in full voice, the lightning almost continous, the patter of rain drowned in the rolling roar of thunder. The heat of the day, once so powerful and dominating, was swept away ahead of the storm, like a dried lef tumbling ahead of a fall breeze... And it was cool. And there is nothing that compares to the power and majesty of the storm.

How often do we stop and listen? How often do we take time to acknowledge, to appreciate our world around us? We need to slow down, appreciate the beauty around us. Life is that thing that is happening, right now, while we're making plans to do other things... Food for thought.

Where's my patience?

Patience, perhaps the hardest thing in the world for me, and I don't think I'm alone with this problem... My mom, whom I love with all my heart, worries about me. She worries about me being alone, about my happiness. She told me, a couple of months ago, to be patient, to wait upon the Lord to bring the right woman into my life. It's not that I'm skeptical, for I believe He can and will answer her prayers, it's that I'm not very patient.
I read in the Bible about David, Moses, Isaiah, Micah, Paul, and so many more giants of my faith, who admonish me to wait upon the Lord, or, to be patient for Him to work in His time. I read in Jerimiah where God says, "I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart". (Jerimiah 29:11-13). So if God has my best at heart, if all I have to do is seek Him and wait on Him, why is it so hard?
I think perhaps it is because I'm still too focused on me, on my desires, my wants. Perhaps it's because I haven't learned to trust Him enough to allow Him to hold my heart. Perhaps I'm too afraid to let go. Funny how those very issues we often have with others come back to haunt our relationship with God. In a word, it's baggage. Trust is my issue, for I've been burned in every serious relationship I've been in with women. From infidelity to lies to stealing from me- trust is a fragile thing in my life. And so, that's the very area my relationship is attacked... How about you? Where do you find yourself vulnerable, for that's where you will be attacked too...
So what do I do? How do I learn patience? I think I can only immerse myself in Him, allow Him to work on my weakness, to grow in my faith and perhaps my ability to be patient will grow too... I have no answers, just a hope that my faith grows... So Mom, for you on this Mother''s Day, I say this: I will continue to try and wait patiently on the Lord, for that special lady you've been praying for. Thank you for caring, for loving me so much... Happy Mother's Day.

The Pain of Morphing...

There's Something about getting old that doesn't agree with me. For some odd reason I don't rebound like I used to, physically that is, and it is really irritating to me. In the old days, the days of my youth, I could sprain, break, twist, or otherwise  hurt myself and be healed up and playing ball again well before the Doctor said... Sure, I was accussed of coming back too soon, and maybe on more than one occassion, and I was warned that I very well may pay the price later, but I was always determined to be a quick healer... Once a doctor even told me if I was walking at age 35 it would be due to miracles of medicine. Well Doc, guess what? I've passed 50 several years ago and not only am I walking, but still playing ball- and well! At least until this spring.

Now I'm recovering from a double broken ankle, and it is so frustrating. I was told to expect to be 6-8 weeks in a cast (it took seven), and another 3-4 rehabbing in physical therapy. Okay, enough's enough. It's been a month and I still hurt, still swollen, still difficult to walk. Where's the quick heal? Did age finally catch up? Monday the Doctor released me and said I'm on my own now, but there will be pain and swelling "for a long time"... What's up with that? I can't believe it's taking me the "average" time to heal... Well, to all you family and friends who have patiently waited for Father Time to catch up to me, to tell me "ha ha" or "I told you so" your time has come. I am human. I am sadly, weakly unable to heal like I used to. I guess I'm going to have to "be more careful, 'cause I'm not a young man anymore". Boy it hurts to sat that!