HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

As 2010 closes I have just a few thoughts to leave you with...

First, Happy New Year, and may 2011 be your best year yet!

There is no key to happiness. The door is always open; we just have to choose to walk through...

Silence is often misinterpreted, but is never misquoted...

A grudge is a heavy load to carry...

Growing old is inevitable; growing UP is optional...

Laugh every day, it's like inner jogging...

He who dies with the most toys is still dead...

The most important things in your house are the people...

And last, Blessed are the flexible, for they shall not be bent out of shape!

Thank you all who take the time out of your busy schedule to read my thoughts; I appreciate the investment of your time, and am grateful for your input. May 2011 be awesome for you all!

No Excuses...

Sometimes I feel wholly inadequate in my Christian walk. Around others I can "be spiritual", I can talk the talk and walk the walk, even if I don't feel it; in fact I've learned that every facet of the Christian life can be faked, if you will, except one- prayer. Everything else is basically a man to man experience, but prayer is man to God, and I just can't fool God. When I pray my heart has to be right, my self has to be totally and completely honest, for He knows the truth anyway...

So I tell Him, I just don't feel worthy, I just don't feel spiritual all the time, and I often feel inadaquate... And He reminds me that I am not worthy, that I am saved through His grace, and His love, And His mercy. I'm not called to be "spiritual", but to be honest, and transparent, and true to His message, for I am not the message, I'm just the messenger. As for feelings of inadaquacy, He reminds me of some of those giants in our faith:

Abraham and Sarah, considered themselves too old,

Noah, who had a drinking problem,

Issaac the daydreamer,

Jacob the liar,

Rahab the prostitute,

David, who had an affair and had the husband murdered,

Elijah, who was suicidal,

Jonah, who ran from God,

Peter, a common fisherman who denied Christ,

Moses with his speech problems,

Joseph, the abused,

Martha the worrier,

Zaccheus, who was too small,

Paul, the persecuter and persecuted,

the multi-divorced Samaritan woman,

or John the Baptist, the bug-eater, and He reminds me that it isn't what I can do for Him that matters, it's what He can do through me if I only make myself available...

So Father, please grant me the ability to love the people I cannot change, and the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to recognize that the one is me... Amen.

Food for thought...

Cruising vs the Nursing Home...

As I was showering this morning my thoughts turned to an upcoming cruise I'm taking my folks on, and then I began to mentally compare nursing home sevices versus those on a cruise ship. The latest survey of nursing home costs puts it at $70,080 per year, or about $192 per day. Conversely, I can do a six-day cruise for $250-300, or $50 per day. For sake of argument let's say the cost of a cruise doubles over the next few years while nursing home care remains fiscally constant. Let's look at what I get for HALF the money...

I can have TEN meals a day if I can only waddle to the restaurant or buffet, or I can have room service (breakfast in bed every day!).

I have workout rooms, steam rooms swimming pools, hot tubs, spas, washers and dryers, Vegas quality shows every night, a casino, plus much, much more...

I get free toothpaste, razors, soap, and shampoo...

My towels and sheets are changed daily and I don't even have to ask!

If there's a lightbulb out, or the TV goes on the fritz, want a different mattress, no problem- they fix it right away and apologize for the inconvenience.

I get to meet new people every 7 to 14 days.

I'm treated like a customer, not a patient. Staff scambles to help.

And best of all, I"d get to see South America, the Carribean, Austrailia, New Zealand, Europe, Tahiti, Mexico, or where-ever I might want to go!

I'm thinking there's not going to be a nursing home in my future. Look for an old guy hanging at the rail taking in the glorious sunsets. I can't think of a drawback to this plan - (if I fall and break a hip in a home I go on Medicare; if I fall and break a hip on a cruise ship I get upgraded to a suite- probably for life!). So I think I'll cruise 'til I die- then it's a burial at sea- No charge!

Food for thought!

Anger...

Anger is thought to be a negative emotion, often portrayed as a "bad" thing, but I don't think it gets a fair rap in the world of emotions. Anger itself isn't bad, but how we allow ourselves to respond to our anger is where we often fail. There's many instances of anger in the Bible, but as I studied one particular one, the story of Jesus in the Temple (John 2:12-25), I realized that if Jesus gets angry then anger itself isn't wrong.

There are ways to respond to anger. Some people just explode, giving reign to their emotions, and no one is safe from their wrath. Very harmful and detrimental to any possible conflict resolution. Others choose to try and stuff their anger, to bottle it up, but this is just as harmful and the explosive response.

Jesus was upfront with his anger, he confronted the situation openly and positively, not in an explosion of rage or a suppression of his feelings. We too can be angry, but be open with our anger, deal with the situation immediately in a positive and appropriate manner, and anger is not a detriment. Relationally, the key is to be open, to communicate your anger, pain, or frustration, but in a positive manner, so that resolution is quickly possible...

Food for thought...

P.S. OH, and Merry Christmas to All!!!

Character, and other thoughts...

Webster's defines "Character" as a distinctive mark, quality, trait or attribute; moral strength, self discipline, fortitude; a [good] reputation. As a matter of fact Webster's has alot to say about character- listing over 16 different definitions. But I think there's a simpler definition for my simple mind. Character is simply who you are when no one else is watching.

If you want to gage your moral strength, if you wonder about your level of self discipline, if you really want an introspective into yourself just stop and evaluate what you do in your "alone time". That is who you are. Many people think that who they are around other people defines them, but that is a facade that can be put on and taken off at will. What other people think of you doesn't define the real you, the core you- what God thinks of you defines you and that is who you are when there's no one watching- except Him. (We often forget that!)

I think we are a "relationship starved" community nowadays. Everything is so fast; fast foods' drive-throughs, ATM's, you get the picture- but one thing that cannot be fasttracked is relationships. Healthy relationships are built on a foundation of friendship, and friendship isn't something that can be rushed. It is built over time and through experience, and those can't be rushed... Still people jump into relationships without really knowing the person they've picked as their partner, then they're amazed it didn't work out, and they become more calloused and jaded toward the "next time". I think we need to slow down our world and let our society catch up... Relationally, the investment of time and experiences are paramount for success...

Food for thought...

The Relational Value of Time...

Time is the one thing that everyone has exactly the same amount of everyday, yet it is the one thing no one knows exactly how much of we have left... Relationally, time is the key element that allows a relationship to transcend from that infatuous, puppy love stage into a more mature true love. Time and commitment. Yet time plays a more far-reaching role in relationships that we must be aware of.

Part of my job is negotiating, and through the years I've found I've become a very adept negotiator. I've also learned a few things about negotiating, and it came to mind that much of the communication in any successful relationship is based on a couple's ability and willingness to negotiate effectively with each other. Successful relationships are often characterized by a flow of give and take. The ability of a couple to keep a relative balance in that flow allows for the continued success of that relationship. When it gets skewed, or out of balance, when one partner repeatedly wins at negotiating, the relationship suffers.

Time plays an important part in negotiating, for time intensifies pain. The longer one side stalls, the more time is invested, the more pain for the other. At some point, if a compromise is not reached, one side will throw up their hands and claim it all a waste of time. And be hurt, and angry. And the relationship suffers. I think this was the thought process when Jesus said not to let the sun go down on your anger. Resolve things. Don't allow time to create festering. Winning is never worth the price of relational disharmony, for ultimately even the winner loses when there's relational dysfunction... (One current Psychologist I recently read had this advice for men when it came to arguments with their spouse: "Do you want to be right, or be happy?")

With time, this realization has mellowed me, in both the workplace and the home. No longer am I a hardcore, win-at-all-costs negotiator, nor longer is winning what is important. Let the other side win occassionally and negotiating becomes easier and easier, for each side learns to give and take, and over time trust grows, over time the relationship strengthens, over time it just keeps getting better...

Food for thought...

Inequitable Relationships II...

Almost every relationship is an inequitable relationship in some sense, for two individuals are never the same and never bring exactly the same thing to the table. Inequitable relationships are not necessarily all bad, but there are cases where one must be dilegent or end up hurt...

The most common abuse found in an inequitable relationship is in emotional commitment. These are very delicate and tricky waters to navigate, because so much of the emotional growth of a relationship depends on those involved being willing to become vulnerable and open for love and commitment to have fertile soil in which to grow. However, when there is inequity in the level of commitment whichever partner is more deeply vested, is more vulnerable, they are the one who is at risk for the greatest potential hurt. The partner with the greatest vulnerablity has the most to lose. If one realizes this within the context of the relationship the natural tendency is to hold back commitment, to retreat from opening up, to allow our partner to act first. The result is twofold: the partner who withholds gains "control" in the relationship, and the opportunity for deeper positive emotional growth is stunted.

It is tricky, as I earlier stated, because for a relationship to grow, to experience the possibility of the depths of love and commitment, someone must step up and be willing to make themselves vulnerable first, thus opening themselves up to the possibility of hurt if their partner doesn't reciprocate. If neither party is willing to act first the relationship will not grow, and in the end, things that don't grow stagnate, and things that stagnate die. There are no roots to sustain the relationship when it falls upon difficult or rocky times, and it dies. If only one partner opens up then the other is in a position of control, and that opens up the potential for emotional abuse. While being in a position of control may seem to work for a while in the long term it will create feelings of frustration, withdrawal, and mistrust. Ultimately, without reciprication, the relationship dies.

Mistrust forms when we open up, when we offer something personal or private, and our partner doesn't reciprocate. Our mentality is "I share- you share" and if that doesn't happen we tend to withdraw, often subconsciously, because we have exposed our inner selves without getting emotional assurances in return. When one returns something personal or private it reinforces our bond and builds a desire to share again. This is cyclical, aand leads to deeper trust and emotional intimacy, and the relationship grows...

It is so paramount for emotional equity within a relationship, for it is the foundation for any successful relationship. Emotional equity fosters trust, and trust fosters communication. Love is grand, but no relationship can survive on love alone. There must be trust to sustain it when the emotion of love ebbs or fades, and there must be communication to foster the trust. Relationships with emotional equity can often sustain themselves dispite other inequites within the relationship, for the couple trusts, and can talk through other issues. Love is emotional, true love takes time and commitment, and that's the fruit of emotional equity...

Food for thought...

Tired of Taxes...

Margaret Thatcher once said, "The problem with Socialism is that sooner or later you run out of other people's money." I am increasingly bothered by our politicians' notion that they have first rights to my money. As the debates rage over tax rates, tax cuts, tax increases, luxury taxes, gasoline taxes, payroll taxes, personal income taxes, sales taxes, medicare, medicade, FICA, regulatory taxes, utility taxes, property taxes, excise taxes, business income taxes, unemployment taxes, et al- all of which I pay, and you probably do too, I have to ask, when is enough enough? Why does the Government have the "right" to my wage, the compensation to my hard labor? I understand the need to support our country, but at some point we've got to draw a line...

Clearly there is a danger of over-taxing those who earn a wage, who create wealth, to compensate those who rely on the government for their daily necessities. There is a class of people in our country now who create no wealth, who pay little or no taxes, who's main contribution is to draw their sustinence off the wealth of others. The cronic unemployed, those second- and third-generation welfare families are several examples, are people who have learned to work the system and live without contributing. And these groups continue to grow at an alarming rate. At some point there won't be enough "wealth creators" to sustain these people, or as Margaret Thatcher so succinctly reminded us, you run out of other people's money...

The problem is, aside from the all too scary shift from Capitalism to Socialism, is that welfare strips us of our pride. We are made to create, to work, to produce. Work produces pride. When we get something for nothing, and continue to do so over an extended period of time, we are stripped of our self-worth, our self-esteem, and our desire to work is replaced by a sense of entitlement. We come to expect something for nothing, and those who continue to work must shoulder an even heavier load so the government can tax and redistribute the wealth (ie. Socialism). The Government wants people dependent on them because dependency equals control, and the more people the Government controls the greater the power it can weild...

So what can we do? I suggest we need to return to the ideals of our forefathers. Federal government should concentrate on the defense of our country. That is the main mandate of the Federal Government. Allow the states and local governments to run their own states- for we are the United States, by name a group of independent states united by common goals and laws. Let the distribution of welfare be handled by the Church, or private organizations, as in the past, where people can receive aid, but also guidance and direction. It has worked for decades without government interference, as exemplified by the Red Cross, the Salvation Army, et al. We are a generous and giving people by nature, but resentful when government forces our generosity...

We need to re-instill pride in our people. If someone needs help then allow them to work for that help, so there will be a sense of something earned rather than something entitled. We need to reduce the size of government, first by cutting those departments and peoples who fail to meet their mandates (ex. The Department of Energy was formed under President Carter to decrease our reliance on foreign oil. Today there are 38000 employees in the DoE and we are more reliant than ever on foreign oil. Disband the department). The department of Education should be shut down and the control returned to states and cities to run. We could go down the list and cut about 2/3 of the government payroll as deadwood or not meeting mandates they were created for.

Want to really fix healthcare? Two steps: First, nationalize the regulations that health care providers adhere to. Right now every state has their own regulations. Most insurance companies can only operate in specific states that they qualify in; level the playing field by making all regulations the same and you will create more competition, and thus more competitive costs and pricing. Second: take away the "golden goose" healthcare plan we pay for for our congressmen and make them buy insurance like we do and they'll fix any other problems. There is a greater interest in fixing problems when they directly affect you in a personal way. (Take away the pension plan and put our congressmen on social security for their retirement too).

In conclusion, I think we need to simplify tax rates, reduce the size of government, hold political apointees accountable, and allow states to govern themselves again. Level the playing field to allow competition, and keep the government out of private industry. Our government has no business running car manufacturers or running health care, etc. Take note, Barrak, of Margaret's words, for their truth has not yet been evident to you... Food for thought...

The State of Vulnerability...

"Only weak people allow themselves to be hurt." Ouch. I heard that and cringed... A few thoughts....

I written in several past posts about vulnerability, (and you can call them up thru the search function and read those thoughts, if interested), especially about vunerability's relationship with our ability to love deeply and completely. The relationship between our ability to experience true love and our ability let down our emotional walls, to put ourselves out there, is unquestioned. However, many people view vulnerability as a weakness, because vulnerability can lead to hurt, and allowing ourselves to get hurt is viewed as a sign of weakness. I beg to differ that point: to intentionally open ourselves up to the possibility of being hurt so that we might obtain a deeper, more encompassing, more fulfilling love is not weakness. No, the state of being vulnerable shows strength- of emotion, of will, of character. To face the possibility of pain for the greater gain is noble, while retreating behind emotional walls, closing onesself off from the possibility of hurt and the surety of deeper love, is the act of a coward.

People who say that they've been hurt in their past and don't want to risk hurt again as an excuse to withdraw are really saying that they took a chance in their past and it didn't pan out the way they wanted so now they choose to just exist emotionally instead of taking a chance on living, on experiencing the joys and excitment life has to offer. Existence vs life. An emotional fortress vs vulnerability. The choice is ours; are we strong enough to make it?

Delayed Gratification...

I'm bothered by alot theses days; gone are the carefree days of youth, and in their place I find a deep sense of responsibility... Not all bad but not nearly as fun as my younger days. It occured to me, during one of these "responsible pauses" that a great deal of our financial troubles as a nation is a result of our loss of a very important concept- Delayed Gratification.

We have become a nation, no a world, of peoples demanding instant gratification. The video posted a few blogs below pretty much says as much in a humorous way, but don't miss the message because you're laughing... We are a people of "I want", and want it now, and as a result we manipulate our finances, our circumstances, our lives to get it now. And that is unhealthy in ALL areas of life. Learning to delay gratification, to wait until we can afford, or fully appreciate, or handle our wants is far more healthy. As a country we could learn to curtail our spending, to balance our budgets, to simplify our lives again, and become healthy as a nation. All too often we pursue what we want only to find that, after getting it, it really isn't what we want, and even worse, need. Had we waited, and truly assessed our needs versus our desires we very well might have passed on it altogether...

This current generation is expected to be the first that will not be better off than the one before. Why is that? They have the latest in technology, they buy the desires of their hearts until their credit is maxed out, they get what they want, when they want. In a word, this generation is spoiled, and spoiled rotten. More twenty- and thirty-somethings find themselves BACK living at home, trying to get back on their feet, trying to re-establish themselves, trying to save money to pay off debt, than any other generation in history. Why? They never learned the art of "Delayed Gratification".

Let's look at the grandparents of this generation: Hard working, loyal, and frugal. Our grandparents knew the value of money and spent only when they could afford to. They delayed their desires until they could afford them, thus appreciating them all the more, because they were EARNED. Today nothing is earned. It's bought on credit, often sold with more owing than it's worth, only to add to an accumulating debt. Young people don't unserstand "saving for a rainy day". So where was the breakdown? It's in the parents of this generation- and the cultural breakdown we experienced in the sixties and early seventies when children becoming of age rebelled against their parents and those ideals that made them strong. Those ideals were viewed as restrictions and a whole "do what you feel" culture was born. Out of it came irresponsibility- financial, cultural, personal irresponsibility. The tenets of our forefathers were cast to the wayside and a new, far more amoral, irresponsible culture arose. Today we are paying the price with a generation of spoiled, over-indulged, underprepared, "non-contributing zero(s)", (as the comedian below labeled them).

We will not rise out of our current situation until we re-learn the art of Delayed Gratification. We need to re-learn loyalty, and responsibility, and fiscal restraint, personally and as a nation. The grass is always greener over the septic tank, but there's a bunch a crap you can't see below the surface. It isn't always wise to pursue "greener pastures" until you dig down a little, investigate, and make sure you aren't pursuing a load of , well you know... Delayed gratification can and will help us avoid alot of mistakes, if we're willing to take the time to re-learn this lost art...

Food for thought...

Battle of the Sexes...

My educational background is in Human Relations (Psychology/Sociology) and even from early on in my studies I have been fascinated by relationships, and even more so, why they fail. I think there’s some general differences between the sexes that if understood might dramatically increase the potential for success in relationships. Of course, wisdom often comes through experience, and the most acute experience is often a result of failure, at least that’s my experience...

Speaking generally now, I believe that women fail to understand perhaps the most basic flaw in men, and that is that men tend to be very linear. Women can operate on several different levels at once, are more diverse emotionally, and entirely more complex than men. Men focus on only one or two things at a time. They tend to develop along those lines and what you see is what you get. Women prioritize needs and desires and seek to fulfill those most important first. One of the most basic needs in a woman is for security, safety in their home[front]. They often seek men who are go-getters, workaholics who seem most capable of meeting those security/home needs. And those needs are met. But then they move on to wanting to meet those deeper, more emotional needs, to connect more spiritually. Much deeper drive in women overall. Suddenly they find that the spouse they’ve chosen is distant, always gone working, too busy collecting “things” rather than paying attention to those needs that are now in the forefront... And women get discontented, and the relationship suffers.

In men’s defense, they’re usually clueless, which is difficult for women to understand. Are men really such idiots? In a word, yes. I’ve heard many men simply confounded because they worked their butt off giving a nice home and cars, and all the trappings, and “suddenly” their wife is leaving or has left them. What did they do wrong? (They met the initial need, but failed to develop emotionally to keep pace with their spouse). Women need to view men like a smorgasbord- lots of different kinds but you only get to pick one or two attributes from the selection. Do you want security? A go-getter, a workaholic type. Are you interested in emotional needs met? Then you might have to sacrifice drive in a man to get one willing to stay home and pay attention to you... Bottom line, if women could focus long-term on what will make them happy they might choose entirely different in the near-term, because with men what you see is what you get. You probably won’t change them, and if you do you might not like the result...

Sometimes men are capable of change, but usually it takes a traumatic event in their life- like a divorce (or in my personal case, a heart attack)- to wake them up or shake up their priorities. (And their "ex" says, who is this guy? He wasn't like that when we were married)... I think one of the biggest causes in the surge of homosexuality and lesbianism is not because of a perverse sexual urge, but because of an overwhelming desire to be understood, to be with someone who "gets it", and who better than one of our own sex...


If you really want to be with someone who "gets you" who will love and appreciate you, who will understand you, learn to not be afraid to tell what you want, and don't settle for less than what makes you happy. Communicate! Don't be with someone with the hope you can change them- odds are you will lose that battle and be hurt and frustrated in the process. Figure out what you want long term and make that your aim. Also, you get out of a relationship what you are willing to put in, so if you want love and respect (for example) you need to be willing to give the same, for the measure you give it is in that measure it will be returned to you. And remember- if you leave your happiness in the hands of a man you might be in for some "I'm sorry" times... Food for thought...

A Gotta See!

 

I ran across this and thought it needed to be shared- a return to reality… Enjoy!

This is too true! Everything’s amazing but no one’s happy!