It's Raining...

Tonight we had a soft little rain... For reasons still undiscovered I decided to take a little walk in the rain- barefoot. I walked in puddles. Intentionally. I enjoyed myself, even though I'll probably catch cold or get sick now. What am I thinking? I'm way too young to be slipping into my "second childhood"... But still, it was enjoyable. It was fun. When was the last time you intentionally walked in the rain?

The Failproof Relationship...

It seems like I've been alone a long time now. In reality, it's only been since June, when my daughter got married and moved out and my best little pal died... Relationally it's been much longer, close to a year and a half. Occassionally, when I start to feel down, the memories tend to remind me being alone isn't as bad as being with the wrong person, no matter how much I might have cared. After all, that's the lesson learned- it is better to be alone than to be with the wrong person. I know that goes against societal wisdom, which seems to push us into relationships whether we're ready or not, and often before we know if we even like the other...

I had brunch with my folks Sunday after church. They moved into a new condo about 3 months ago so I've made it a habit of dropping in 3-4 times a week to check on them, help out if needed, etc. Occassionally we have a meal together. I think they really enjoy my company, not just as a son but as a person, for I meet in each of them a different need, a different desire. As we were leaving the restaurant Mom turned to me and said, "We're sure glad you don't have anyone in your life right now. It makes more time for us." I tease her a lot about praying for me, and my relational status, for she is ever vigilant about praying for the right person for me, but I told her I now understand what she's praying for- no woman so I can spend time with them! We laughed, but usually in jest there is underlying truth, if we choose to seek it out. This truth- I'm extremely lucky to have both parents still living and active at my age and theirs, and these are precious memories we're all making for those times when we won't have each other. I'm glad I can recognize the importance of each visit... I pray that my kids will realize sooner, rather than later, or too late, the importance of family, and relationships (not that they don't know now necessarily, but everyone's so busy that sometimes relationships are sacrificed for more "important things" like work, sports, commitments,etc)...

I miss having a hand to hold, eyes to gaze into, lips to kiss, a person to love. I miss companionship. But, I don't miss drama, anger, unrealized expectations. I don't miss the unrelenting pain of being betrayed, no matter what the form. I don't miss the hurt, the agony when my vulnerability is violated... I watch movies now, and if I get emotional at a well-played drama I am not ridiculed for my emotions, for I am alone. I can be completely me, free and easy, with no one or no desire to impress. I don't hurt my feelings, don't forget important dates, I am not insensitive to myself. Sometimes I let myself down, but I'm forgiving of myself, for I know how flawed and broken I am... But I don't have someone with which to share, someone to laugh with, to cry with, to snuggle in the cold, to chase on the beach... For I am alone. The scales swing back and forth...

It's important to realize that being alone is different than being lonely. Society teaches that those who are alone are probably lonely. But I beg to differ. One can be in the middle of a thousand people, be in the midst of a relationship, and be completely lonely while never being alone. Lonely is unmet needs, lonely is unrealized desire. Lonely is recognizing the hole in one's heart and not knowing how to fill it.That happens when relationships are wanting. Alone is not lonely... While ocassionally I feel lonely the feeling passes, for I am never alone. Most of my relationships may be flawed or fail, but I have one that never fails me, no matter how often I fail it. It is my relationship with Jesus Christ. He never lets me down... Food for thought...

Relationship Killers #5: Failure to Communicate...

Breakdowns in communication are often a major factor in the failure of relationships. The question isn't so much why communication breaks down, rather what is the reasons behind the lack of communication, for anyone can learn to communicate- it becomes a matter of the will to do so. Communication is not just learning to say how you feel or what you think, it is also learning to constructively listen to our mate and respond appropriately. Communication can be learned, but it isn't effective until desired.

People handle their emotions in different ways. Some wear their emotions on their sleeve, and need to address issues immediately. They're usually the "exploders", who go off and then feel better. Then there's the "stuffers", who just take everything in and compact it, like a trash compactor, until it's too full and garbage can't help but leak out... And there's the "stealth bomber", who takes all the heat, then, usually on the way out, takes a shot back and disappears... None are healthy ways to deal with our emotions, and all lead to a failure to effectively communicate.

To effectively communicate we need to get past the emotions of the situation and deal with the issue. Sometimes that means just walking away for a time, to let emotions cool, and then attempting to address the issue when things are calmer. But it isn't healthy to just walk away without communicating anything- that could be misconstrued as you are walking out on the relationship/ issue/ person... It needs to be clearly stated that, for the good of our rellationship, perhaps we need a couple hours to cool off, or a day, weekend, etc. Everyone cools off differently, but trying to address an emotion-charged issue is almost always a lose-lose proposition...

Anyone can learn to communicate effectively. It is a choice to learn to do so, or else to continue to fail in this critical area. People who choose not to learn to listen, and to share their feelings are usually demonstrating a passive aggression towards their mate and relationship, which will ultimately result in failure... Food for thought...

Relationship Killers #4: Lying...

That lying is wrong is virtually a universally accepted tenent, and yet it is  violated by virtually everyone. Little white lies, lies of ommission, lies about our past, lies to cover actions, lies to try to avoid trouble- no matter what the form a lie is a lie. It is an untruth, and it erodes the very foundation of any relationship. For truth must be part of the foundation for any relationship to be successful. 

So why do we lie? The first lie was told in the Garden of Eden, when Satan first approached Eve and tempted her with the forbidden fruit. "You will be like God", he said, "if you only eat of the fruit. God forbid it because He didn't want you to be like Him". A crafty lie, and a crafty argument. After all, who wouldn't want to be like God? And that first lie destroyed a relationship, between man and God. God later restored it, but it remains in a broken state as long as we live in a broken world...

Ever since that first lie the art of lying has destroyed relationship after relationship, because you can't trust a liar, for you can never be sure they're telling you the truth. And without the inability to trust the relationship is dead, or soon will be. Our world is full of lies. Our courts, our politicians, our advertising, TV, our workplaces- we are bombarded by lies all day long. Is it no wonder people find it easier to lie than to be truthful? Lies cover up; truth reveals.

The beauty of telling the truth, and this is a lesson so few have learned, is that you don't have to remember anything when you're honest. The truth is the truth- there's nothing to remember. And yet when we lie we must remember the lie, for more often than not we end up building on it. Lie upon lie, until one day the house of lies we built comes crashing down when we stumble or get caught in one of our untruths... Lies cover up- truth reveals. To live an open and ahthentic life is one of the greatest and most rewarding challenges we face today. And yet so few are willing to step up and meet that challenge. I will, and I hope you will too.

Food for thought....

Relationship Killers #3: Anger...

Anger is not wrong. Everyone gets angry at something or someone, sooner or later. It is an often misunderstood emotion, for it is not a bad in itself. Unbridaled anger however, uncontroled anger, is a bad thing and can destroy a relationship. When we allow our anger to run unbridled we say things, and do things that can't be undone. Yes, we can forgive anger, but we really don't forget the intentional hurtful things said  or done out of anger. As I've written in the past, once a word is said that's when it begins to live.

 Uncontrolled anger will drive a couple further apart, and will make reconcilliation that much more difficult. If our desire is to be together, to live in a harmonious relationship then uncontroled anger is our enemy. So what's the solution? Anger management. Learn to control your temper and you won't regret your words or actions- even if you're angry. Sometimes it means walking away for a while, to regain control. Sometimes it means choosing not to respond to hurtful things said while emotions are running high. And yet, when one partner can't control their anger, their tongue, they are emotionally abusive, and no one deserves to be abused. The end of the relationship should be near when anger controls a person, for their right to express anger inappropriately ends where your nose begins. Food for thought...

The Human Condition...

I am my own worst critic- this I know, but then, who knows me better? I've been told I'm loving, thoughtful, sensitive, caring, kind, blessed, a blessing- but when I hear these things I know deep in my heart that my core is not good. There's something wrong, something askew, that I cannot fix, and I have tried through the years and utterly failed. My problem is the human condition. My problem is sin.

I'm grateful that others have fought this battle and have shared their struggles, for it gives me reassurance that I don't struggle alone. Paul wrote in Romans that he knew what was right and yet didn't do it. He knew what was wrong and couldn't help doing it. He writes of the battle that raged within him. I can empathize with Paul, and with others who fight this same battle as I, for it is so discouraging to know right but do wrong. It shows how weak I really am, and it scares me, for I am an uncommonly strong man...

Some people handle the human condition by just refusing to acknowledge it within themselves. It doesn't go away, but their response to it callouses them over time, until they just don't feel the tug to do what is right anymore. They live as they want to live, irrespective of the pain or damage they might inflict on others, on ones they love or once loved. Their fellow man is no longer as important as their own selfish wants and desires. And the human condition deepens their lives become more selfish, and self centered. I'm bothered by my inability to overcome sin, and yet I understand that I will never, in this life, be able to in my own power.

I was listening today to Philips, Craig, and Dean and one song they sang said, in effect, "I couldn't reach mercy, so Mercy came running to me." It reminded me yet again, that nothing I do in my own power is enough to overcome my human condition, my sin, but Jesus overcame it once and for all through His sacrifice of love for me. I don't have to overcome sin- it's already defeated. Now I just have to learn to live day by day, moment by moment in the grace and mercy of God and my human condition cannot win. Or, as Paul said, "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me". Paul managed to get it right. I can only pray that I do too. Food for thought...

Relationship Killers #2: Emotional Blackmail...

Another thing that can be deadly to a relationship is Emotional Blackmail. This would include saying things like, "If you really loved me..." or, "Just back me on this if you really care for me..." or, If you really valued our relationship..." or, "What are we gonna tell the kids?" or any other of a myrid of statements that shift the focus from the real issue to your relationship. When one tries to make the relationship more important than the issue at hand that diversion is emotional blackmail.

The reality is, the one who makes such statements is actually threatening you, and you need to protect yourself, at least mentally. And the first step to protecting yourself is to be clear as to what is happening. You need to ask yourself, "If I don't yield to this veiled threat will they really harm our relationship?" Is my love/affection really being challenged, or is it a ploy to manipulate me into a desired action/reaction by my mate? You need to refocus the attention back onto the issue at hand, and take the relationship aspect off the table.

You might want to respond with something like, "My love/affection (etc.) has nothing to do with the issue at hand. The problem is..." Restating the issue can and refusing to yield to blackmail will either make you stronger, or possibly elict a very negative reaction from your mate, even to the point that they sever the relationship. If something that extreme happens because you stand up to their emotional blackmail the odds are strong that that was a very unhealthy relationship to start with and wouldn't have withstood the test of time. People who use this tactic are emotional bullies, and usually prey upon those who are co-dependent, or suffer from low self-esteem. Don't give in to emotional blackmail- it's never worth sacrificing your core values or beliefs just to appease your mate. The truth is, if they really loved you they wouldn't stoop to such tactics... Food for thought...

Relationship Killers #1: Sex...

I think one of the biggest reslationship killers is sex. Personally, I don't see any redeeming social value in it. Sex is a selfish act, performed by selfish people who are afraid of relational depth and commitment, and usually have very little self esteem. Pretty harsh words, but true. Sex is something you can get from a prostitute, or an escort service, and it has one primary function: Meet my carnal needs. Period.

Now, making love, on the other hand, is a beautiful expression of two people uniting as one, with the primary focus to meet the needs and desires of one's mate. It is a culmination of getting to know someone, of exploring and learning about our mate, of desiring to know one deeper, more intimately. It is a result of learning to love someone and it's primary focus is on the other. Love making is selfless... It is far more than merely a physical act of gratification; it is a bonding physically, emotionally, and even spiritually...

So why do so many people seek/choose sex today? Why are there so many one night stands, bar hook ups, etc? I think people are so desperate to connect, to find love, that they jump into bed before they even know the other person. How can you love someone if you don't even know if you like them? And sex has set the tone for any furtherance of a possible relationship. The intial focus is wrong; the possibility of success is not good, for the focus is "meet my needs"...

If the initial focus, when meeting someone, is to get to know them, and as a relationship begins to develop, to put their wants and desires first, as they choose to put yours ahead of theirs, then a giving, nurturting relationship develops. Just the opposite of sex, which says "satisfy me"... A nurturing environment develops and love can grow where nurtured... But love, true love takes time. Time and commitment, and those two things will never be found in a one-night stand. So if you really want to find love then promise yourself that you'll invest the time needed to discover it and allow it to grow. Don't just respond to that physical urge, that lust, that infatuation. Give yourself, and your possible relationship the best odds of making it... Don't just have sex, hold out for making love- you'll never regret it! Food for thought...

An Open Letter- Revisited...

Some four years ago I wrote this column, so I thought I'd rerun it... It was from an open heart...and I find it every bit as relevant today...

We all desire to someone special in our lives, to walk with, to share with... Right now I don't have that companion, that love, but still hope that one day I will be so blessed. Today I was thinking of her, whoever she might be, and wanted to share with her a bit from my heart...


My Darling,

I want you to know how much you mean to me, to my heart, to know that you love and accept me just as I love and accept you. I want you to know how you captivate my thoughts, and hold my love captive until we meet again. You are my sunshine, my source of warmth, and energy, the light that dispells the darkness that lonliness cast before you.


I know we both want to be perfect for each other, but reality says that isn't going to happen. I know I am going to disappoint you, as you will me. The question we must ask ourselves is, "Is this disappointment going to be a stumbling block, or a building block?" I imagine, if your experience has been anything like mine, all too often those disappointments became stumbling blocks that ultimately doomed the relationship. But I'm here today, to tell you that it doesn't have to be. Tell me when I let you down, for that is not my heart's desire, and I will do everything in my power to make amends. And I promise to tell you, when I get hurt, or disappointed, and we can work toward resolution together. If we agree our relationship is good, and right, then our disappointments can become learning experiences, and be building blocks instead of stumbling blocks.


I know I haven't experienced that kind of relationship in my past, for whatever the reason, I haven't found a lady willing to commit to a common bottom line, so walking away was the road they often chose to take. But you are willing to commit to me, as I am to you, and walking is not a relational option. And we gain strength from our commitment, and trust grows, and our love deepens...


Please remember, my Love, that love is regressive, for as we grow in our relationship we become more trusting, more vulnerable, and we let down our guard to each other, revealing our flaws and faults that we initially tried to hide. We are not perfect anymore, but better yet, we are accepted, and loved despite our deficiencies, for our goal remains steadfast: We desire to be together, to love one another... Thank-you for sharing that goal, and thank-you for your understanding and acceptance.

Know that I love you, and am here for you, and will be in the future. I look forward to walking through life, hand-in-hand with you, making memories on life's journey that will warm our hearts and minds in the years ahead. My happiness is not found in doing any one thing, rather, it is found in doing anything with you. My desire is to fulfill you, to bring you happiness, and contentment for the rest of our lives together, til death do us part... I love you, whoever, and where ever you are.

~Bud

Saul vs Paul- What really happened?

Tonight I want to get a little bit "teachy", if you will, for I want to set the record straight. One of my favorite characters in the Bible is the Apostle Paul. I won't go into all my reasons for liking him now, but I do want to look at how it all started with him. First, the fallacy. I've heard many preachers tell the story of Saul, who presecuted the early Church, and one day, while on the road to Damascus, was met with a blinding light and Jesus himself confronted Saul, asking why Saul was persecuting him... Saul was blinded, led into the city, and for three days fasted until a Christ-follower named Ananias came and restored his sight. The preaching goes, that this was so life changing an event for Saul that he changed his name to Paul and became one of the greatest Apostles ever.

Wrong. The story is correct, until you get to the name-change part. That's not history, nor is it factual or Scriptural. Yes, it was a life-changing event, and yes Saul did ultimately be called Paul. But here's the scoop...

We need to go back to the beginning, to the Roman conquest of Israel. You see, when Rome would conquer a country, or a people, they would take many of those people and disperse them throughout the Roman Empire. The thinking was that, if dispersed, it would be more difficult for people to re-band together to rise up against Rome. So many Israelites were dispersed. Paul's parents were "Jews of the Diaspora", or "Jews of the Dispersion" if you will, and were dispersed to the city of Tarsus, in the Empire, where Paul was born. The Roman custom of the day was that a child have two names, (ie. Julius Cesear, Cesear Augustus, Mark Anthony),much as we do today. Because they lived in the Empire Paul's parents gave him two names; Saul Paulus, or Saul Paul. In Israel the custom was to just give a first name, and designate who you were by your parents (ie. John, son of Zebedee). When Paul came to Israel to persecute the Church he adopted the practice of using his first name, Saul, as was the custom. Later, When he left Israel and headed back out into the Empire he resumed using his surname, Paul, as was the custom...

If you read Acts you will see that after his confrontation on the road he was still called Saul. Indeed, he stayed in the city "many days" teaching and preaching as "Saul", and then spent a year teaching with Barnabas, again called Saul. It wasn't until chosen to go out into the Empitre with Barnabas, probably some two years after his conversion, that we see the name shift. On the Island of Crete, the first stop on Paul's first missonary journey, they landed as "Barnabas and Saul" and left "Paul and his companions". So that's the story. Perhaps not as exciting as preachers have made it out to be, but it's accurate, and it's the truth. Check it out for yourself- the story is much more facinating than my dry history lesson... Food for thought...

Be Still, my Heart...

Dusk. The last vestige of sunlight slowly ebbing away. A cool, almost brisk breeze stirs through the playfully dancing flames of the firepot. Water tinkling softly from the fountains beside the deck. A humming bird flits through for a late evening snack. Beyond the tinkling water the aspens rustle in the tinest of breezes, a constant soothing whisper... The trees turning from dark green to black, casting a canopy of privacy...

Slowly the tension of the day slips away, and the dancing flames mesmerize my brain, my soul, until thought is no longer even necessary. Just being, being in the moment, soaking in the serenity, the tranquility... No thoughts, no words, just peace. A perfect time to "be still, and know I am God". Still, not just of body, but of mind, and emotion. Be still my heart and worship...

I am not worthy Father, of all the blessings you've lavished upon me. I've squandered much that I know now was precious. But I'm grateful that you.ve given me a heart to learn, and an active mind. Thank you for protecting me even as I failed you,thank you for teaching me to grow up, and not just grow old. Perhaps one day, Father, I will learn to be less relationally challenged, and you will bless me again, with a mate who will love me, even though I'm so flawed... One day- it's a good prayer...

Love is sloppy...

Love is sloppy. True love is a mess. If you're looking for that nice, neat relationship then don't expect much depth, much substance, because you can't have substance without the mess. Why? Because love demands vulnerability, and vulnerability means allowing someone else to see the sloppy side of ourselves. When we open up, when we let someone in behind our defenses, we commit ourselves to letting someone see what a mess we really are. We trust that love will allow acceptance, and acceptance will allow love to grow deeper. We want someone who knows the worst side of us, and loves us anyway...

Do you ever wonder why we often tend to treat strangers nicer than those we love? It's easy to do little acts of kindness for a stranger, for we have little or nothing  invested emotionally. But when we invest emotionally in a relationship, when we let another see us at our best and worst, we lose that desire, that need to impress that was present at the conception of the relationship. In love we are free to be ourselves, warts and all. And sometimes that's not a very nice person- the one very we hide behind our walls and don't show the world. So our "nice" person does nice things, usually to strangers who don't know us, the real us, and we feel good about ourselves. Our real self feels comfortable with those who love us so it's easier to lash out, to let our bad side show...

While it's a wonderful thing to be comfortable in our relationships, it's even more important to remember hoe important the one who chooses to love us is. Be grateful that you're accepted and loved, and make the effort to show it. Treat the one(s) you love to little acts of kindness, on a regular basis, and you will be amazed at the returns... Food for thought...

Do-Overs...

I've had several correspondences lately with a friend, and the subject of "do overs" was discussed- originally I thought I would do somethings differently if the chance were presented, and relationally, I still would probably try to correct errors I made, but after much thought I don't think I would change any of the "major" events in my life, for the ripple effects may cause more harm than good, the "butterfly effect" if you will, might rob me of those things I hold most precious today. If, for example, I lost my kids then nothing in my past is worth changing...

After deeper introspection I cam to the realization that I will gladly play out the hand dealt to me here on this earth, including all the errors, mistakes, and blunders I have made, for in the grander scheme of things I realize that my life is a mere breath. In the larger picture my life leaves no more impression than the hole I leave when I pull my finger out of a bucket of water... For what is three score and ten, or four score years that we are given in the face of Eternity? After I endure my errors of this life I will be given that life that I've been promised... I believe in Eternal Life, for everyone actually. Only some will have theirs in Heaven, and those who choose to reject Him here, in this briefest of lives, will have theirs in Hell... Food for thought...

Grandma's advice...

One of my guys is going through a tough time right now, relationally speaking, and I'm just amazed again at all the game-playing, the anger, the venom that is spewed by people who are supposed to love each other, who live together, who supposedly care for each other... Doesn't anyone ever stop to consider that once things are said that they can't be taken back? They' re out there, and they have consequences. My grandmother used to say a little ditty that went like this:

"A word when said is dead, some say.
I say, it just begins to live that day."

Now to his credit, my friend has tried to remain calm, and has sought forgiveness for his wrong in this mess, but it takes two to reconcile, and only one to break up... During work yesterday he must have received four or five text messages, full of vile and venom, and anger. To his credit he did not respond via text, on my advice actually, but that only seemed to make her angrier. (my advice was to try and talk face to face, or second best, talk on the phone). Texting, so popular today, is by far the worst way to communicate, for communication is less than 10% the words we use- the rest is tone and body language. So using only text we're limited to less than 10% of our ability to effectively communicate. And yet it has become the method of choice in our "fast food" society. It's no wonder relationships encounter serious communication problems in today's society.

Next time you encounter a "bump" in your relational road please, resist the temptation to shoot off a text, or even an e-mail. Take that extra moment to actually call, and talk to the offender/offended. Your chance not of being misinterpreted, of not being misunderstood just got better- you'll from over 90% chance of error down to about 70%. Better yet, do a face to face, and remove almost all chance of communication misinterpretation.
And as I've blogged in the past, reiterate your bottom line- if you both want to be together, if you both love each other, then even if you're fighting you are on the same side. Do whatever you have to do to restore that relationship. You'll be surprised at how fast your mate will recognize this behavior and begin to move toward reconcilliation too.  Food for thought...

Facial Mathematics...

I'd like to add another mathematical concept to all the new math out there that kids have to learn today. I call the concept "Facial Mathematics". The idea is to help the next generation learn the concept of the ratio betwenn the eyes, ears, and mouth, for I fear most of my generation has failed to learn it...

God gave us two eyes, two ears, and one mouth, clearly a two-to-one ratio of eyes to mouth and ears to mouth. I propose that perhaps the message we need to learn is we should listen twice as much, and look twice as hard, before speaking... If we see and hear more effectively we will naturally increase our understanding and reduce the number of times we speak errantly, or, open our mouth only to insert our foot.

And yet, what of the nose in out facial math theory? One nose, but two nostrils. Is the nose like a facial Switzerland, placed in the middle of the face to keep the peace? I think not.The nose is crafty, for it is the purveyor of smells, sending the sweet aroma of baked goods, the fragrance of roasted meat, the many myrids of smells we experience when cooking, shopping, or eating to the brain, which in turn sends the message to the body- "Stuff some of that good stuff in my mouth!" When we fail to look or listen before speaking the nose uses it's ability to shut the mouth up.

So what is the lesson of facial math? Before speaking- think! Listen, look, and then speak. Let our words be measured, for so much damage is done by the carelessly spoken word! Food for thought...