Monday, February 12, 2007

Old dogs can still learn...

Tonight I am most grateful that I'm not too old to learn new truths. Sometimes truth is so obvious that it's missed because we just look everywhere but right in front of us... Tonight I realized a truth that I should have many years ago; I learned why I am willing to be vulnerable, willing to love despite repeated hurts.
I am almost fifty years old, and I can count the number of significant personal relationships I've had on one hand (and have fingers left), and though there were many good memories the emotional and physical abuse I suffered made me wonder how I could ever, or would ever love again. And yet somehow I knew that happiness is ultimately found in community, in personal relationships where I allow others to get to know me. I knew the deep, sacrificial love of a parent for their child, I knew the love of a son, as my parents stood by me all through my life. I knew the love of a husband to his wife, and I knew the pain of unrequited love. I thought I understood love pretty well, but tonight I realized it isn't about my understanding, it isn't about my capacity to love or forgive.
The ability to be vulnerable, to truly love, deeply, compassionately, selflessly cannot be achieved until I fully accept in my heart that pure and perfect and sacrificial love of my Lord. It is not enough to understand it intellectually; embracing love is key. "Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him." (IJohn 4:16) It's not about me and my capacity to love, but about His unlimited boundless capacity to love me, and as I learn to just live in that love my capacity to love grows exponentially. Yes, I'm told I look like an easy mark to some, and some may think they can take advantage, but are they really, if I am aware, and if I choose out of love, to allow it? Then the choice is mine, just as Jesus Christ, who, out of his endless love for me, chose to willingly walk into the hands of those who ridiculed and persecuted him, and ultimately put him to death. He loved me enough to die; I long to recipricate that love, to Him, and to others.

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