Inequitable Relationships...

The most difficult of all relationships are those that are inequitable, and they are also the most common. It is why relationships are sometimes so difficult, why they take constant attention and effort, and are sometimes work. Unless two people get exactly the same out of a relationship it will be inequitable and for one party, the party with the greatest investment, it can become stressful, and even burdensome. Although there are many different measures of "investment" the most common, and often most abused, is the emotional investment.

When one party becomes more emotionally involved the balance shifts in a relationship. The partner who is willing to become more vulnerable, to open themself up to the possibility of love or commitment, also opens themself up to the potential of hurt. For this very reason many hide behind emotional walls and only venture out when they are sure their partner is fully committed to them, yet if that same feeling is shared by their partner then the game-playing begins. Couples often desire together the very thing they try so hard to avoid committing to as individuals first and thus often miss out on that deeper level of intimacy altogether, leaving themselves feeling frustrated and more calloused toward the "next time".

On a personal note, I was at Willow Creek Community Church this past weekend, and the lead pastor Gene Appel was speaking on our freedom of choice. One comment he made was that "true love is choice". I reflected on that for some time for it was exactly my ideology and my belief. Personally, I believe that, if I find that person I really seem to connect with, it is better to put myself out there and be vulnerable, to choose the possibility of hurt for the potential of love than to hide behind an emotional barracade and wait for the other to make the first move. But as I listened to Gene another thought entered my thinking: If I choose to love and it is unrequited, if I choose to lay myself out there and find I am out there alone for too long, if I love and am hurt, I have the choice not to love also.

Unrequited love is so painful, whether from a spouse, a lover, a child, or a family member. To love without feeling loved in return causes a such intense pain that a variety of emotions are triggered in response. Hurt, anger, withdrawl, bitterness, all from the overflow of the pain. The reaction is to walk away, if only emotionally, to close oneself off from the pain, and from the pain-giver. Instead, the option is to choose not to love. Just as I make myself vulnerable to the possibility of hurt and all it's negatives for the potential of love, and all the positive wonderfulness that can follow, in a like manner, if my love is unreturned I can choose to not be hurt, to not be vulnerable, I can choose not to love. I'm not sure exactly how to translate that from intellectual acceptance to the emotional directive without the experience of the negative emotions that feeling shunned or unloved triggers, but in theory it should be possible. Just choose not to love. I have not loved many in my life, but those I chose to love I did so unreservedly, and several times I was deeply, deeply wounded. I wonder, if I could have chosen not to love, at that time the relationship seemed beyond repair, if the pain would have been lessened... It's food for thought...